Thursday, February 25, 2010

I Hate Babies...But I'll Have Yours!!

I can't stand babies! In fact, when my first daughter was born I was pretty upset. On tv, even some of those realty TLC Channel shows, the mom is instantly in love with the newborn. That did not happen to me. I didn't feel "the magic" as soon as my baby was born. To be honest, I didn't quite bond with either of my daughters until they were over 1 year old. I remember being in music class with my then 9 month old. I looked at the faces at all the other moms and they were smiling and enjoying their baby. I was like "What the heck are they so happy about?".

For me, the worst part of having children was getting through what I call the Maintenance Phase. It could be because I am such a schedule Nazi and I am a freak about timing. I would get worried about leaving the house because I was afraid that I would not get home at the EXACT time that I needed to feed the baby. What if there was traffic? What if the baby fell asleep in the car and totally ruined the nap schedule? Also, I prefer it when the children can properly communicate. Wanna cry? Fine. Just tell me what you are crying about and I'll fix it. Infants just annoy me. Having to pay attention to how much they ate, how much they pooped, what color it was. So much work. AND lets not even go there with breast feeding. Let's just say my kids are definitely my kids. They would much rather do take out than cook at home. I tried for a week, forget it! I truly believe that if G-d wanted me to breastfeed, especially since HE made me a neurotic mother, He would have put a gage on my boob. I mean, how am I (or any other woman) supposed to figure out how much my baby ate??? Needless to say, I am done having children.

Ok, here is the ironic part. I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED being pregnant(and I'm apparently really good at giving birth too. Too bad it's not an Olympic sport, I think I would get a medal). If I could handle the babies, I would be pregnant all the time! Honestly, when I was younger I was terrified of the day that I might be pregnant. I pass out when I get a paper cut! How would I manage being sick all the time and pushing a baby out for hours? Well, thank goodness none of that happened. I never, ever got morning sickness. I loved the fact that if I were crossing the street or parking lot, a car would actually STOP instead of trying to run me over! People let me cut the line at the grocery store! There were just sooo many benefits. My husband loved it too. For someone who is usually indifferent about the act of making babies, I was pretty horny. Then to top it off, I had amazing deliveries. When my first daughter was born, I wasn't even sure if I was having contractions. I had a back ache. Because it kept coming and going my husband suggested it was labor. My daughter was born 3 hours after I went into the hospital (and about 20 minutes of actual pushing). When my second and final daughter was born, I sneezed and she came out! No, really, I woke up at ten after eight in the morning and thought I felt something. Decided to call the doctor, left for the hospital at 8:30. She was born at 8:50. I threw myself in the hospital bed and put my own legs in the stirrups. Too late for the epidural and my doctor not only missed the delivery but still charged my insurance company! But I digress. Let's get back on track here.

So, the fact that I love being pregnant and have easy deliveries, but really don't care for infants; I found the perfect compromise: Be a surrogate! Yes! My husband even thought it was a terrific idea. I mean, we both think it's a charitable thing to do anyway, but I'm sure my husband was persuaded by the horniness that comes along with being pregnant. I offered to be a surrogate for a friend in need but it turns out that New Jersey has some crazy laws about surrogacy so she choose someone from out of state. One of the crazy laws is that it is not permitted to compensate the birth mother. To be honest, I don't even care about compensation. The joy of making someone happy by giving them the gift of a lifetime is compensation enough. Though I never had a chance to pursue my PASSION of being a surrogate, I think I should give up on the dream since I am thisclose to forty. My eggs might be close to scrambled by now.

My other passion in life is to become a foster parent. I have always wanted to show an unloved or mistreated child that there really are decent and kind grown ups. Of course, I would want to foster, or adopt, a child who is at least five years old. My husband and I decided- well before children were a consideration- that if the day came and we could not have children on our own, I would not go through great pains to create a baby. We would foster or adopt instead. In fact, I still do want to be a foster parent though I already have two wonderful children. People put it down or automatically discount it because the children may have "issues" from being mistreated or from being moved around from home to home. My goal would be to make this child feel so loved that he / she would not ever want to leave.

Moral of this story? Is it fucked up of me for wanting to give away a child I actually gave birth to, yet I have the desire for taking in other people's neglected children? Thoughts anyone???

Monday, February 8, 2010

I DO, I DO and I DO

When I said "I DO" I didn't realize it meant that I would have to do EVERYTHING! My husband does stuff, don't get me wrong. But the scales of marriage-dom aren't exactly balanced. My husband does the stuff that physically I don't want to such as taking out the garbage and recycling, raking leaves, cleaning gutters, shoveling snow, etc. Those are big ticket items..but when you add up all the little things I think my side tips, just a bit.

One time, my husband asked me for Karen and Steve's address. I was able to rattle it off without looking it up in my book. He was amazed that I new it immediately without even thinking. So my response was, "We had a wedding, we had a baby, the baby had four birthday parties. That's 6 invitations / announcements and 6 thank you notes and on top of that a holiday card for the past 7 years. How can I NOT know their address?". The moral of the story is, when it comes to physical labor, my husband is it...but the rest of the stuff falls on me. And it's a lot. Think of it. We have two children. My job is to figure out what they are going to eat for the week, buy it, sometimes make it. I do their laundry, fold their clothes, put it away and then also figure out what they are going to wear. I plan all of their birthday parties including writing out all the invitations and thank you notes, planning the entertainment and menu. Additionally, I have all other "wifely" duties like working a full time job, planning weekend activities, not only for the kids but social get togethers for us grownups. I schlep the girls to their dance class and then go grocery shopping.

Believe it or not, this is not a post complaining about all that I do. This is a solution to a problem that a lot of wives / mom's have. And the answer is:

Making polygamy legal is a win-win situation. If I had a sister wife, I would spend less time stressing about all that has to be done. I wouldn't have to try and accomplish personal things while at work. Dinner would almost always be ready by the time I got home and there would be no excuse for the house to be dirty. Currently, the bathroom is so dirty that if I have to pee I run down to the gas station. It's cleaner.

Polygamy would not only be beneficial to me, but my husband as well. Think of it this way: He never has to feel put off if I am not "in the mood". I can just say "Go ask my sister wife. Maybe she feels like doing it tonight". Never again will I have to fake a headache or explain why I have had my period for 2 weeks straight.

The only way polygamy would backfire is if there is only one wife and more than one husband! THAT would be a catastrophe.