PHONEY BALONEY

Two new behavioral issues have been created due to the invention of the mobile phone and caller id.

The issues have been coined(by your's truly) as Phone-aphobic and Phone-aholic.

They are both equally annoying but the phone-aholic must be considered more dangerous than the Phone-aphobic.  I'll start with the latter.

The phone-aphobic does not fear the phone itself.   The phone-aphobic sees a number on the caller id and chooses not to answer because they either recognize the person and they don't want to talk or they DON'T recognize the number and are afraid to answer.   I actually understand when a number is recognized but you don't want to answer.  Sometimes it's because you know the person talks for a long time and you can't quite squeeze it in at that moment.   Better to call back when you have some free time.    Sometimes it's because you know what that person is calling to say and you just don't want to hear it.   That's why voicemail was invented.   Apparently though, I was out of the loop.  It's now a faux pas to leave a message.   One should just let the phone ring until the voice mail comes on and then hang up.   Then, the receiver of that call will see the "missed call" and call you back based on that.   I happen to fucking hate when I leave a voicemail and the person calls me back asking what I wanted.   For real?  I have to repeat myself?  How about I hang up now and you listen to my voicemail, think about it and then call me back.   Ooops, I went off on a tangent again.   Sorry about that.   Back to being afraid to answer.  The other side of phone-aphobic is when the receiver is afraid to answer because they don't recognize the number.   What are they so afraid of?  What could possibly happen if you answer that phone?  Will a stranger reach through the phone and rape you?  I don't think so.  At the very worst it's a sales call.   So you simply say "I'm not interested" and hang up.   Or, maybe it's a bill collector.   Eewww, scary!!    How about you answer, actually talk to the person and then perhaps they will stop calling.  Even if you have to lie and say, "I am sending a check tomorrow."

I recently  had an incident which was imminent, but the person I was calling didn't answer the phone.   The situation was that her young daughter  (6 or 7 years old) was dropped off at practice.   When I say "dropped off, she was literally dropped off.  The parent just let their kid out of their car and didn't bother to walk in to see if there was a responsible adult waiting at the other end.   (Spoiler alert, there was not).   I walked in with my two kids and long story short, there were about 40 girls who were just dropped off.  Apparently there was a miscommunication, practice was canceled and the coaches would not be showing up.   Some kids had cell phones and I, along with the ONE other parent who stayed, told the kids to call their parents.  For those who did not have cell phones, I told them to come see me and I would call.   Well, nobody answered the fucking phone.  Nobody.   Really, your kid is not in your supervision and your phone rings..and you don't answer it.  Fucking fool.   It can be a police officer, the coach, an ambulance driver or a fucking kidnapper looking for ransom.  Answer the phone! Anyway, so finally a mother calls back and says "well, I didn't answer the phone because I didn't recognize the number.   I finally realized after the phone rang 100 times that maybe it was important".  Ya think?  She should have seen by the number that it was a local call.  Not some blocked number or 1-800 number.   Stupid ass.  So I had to watch her kid for 2 hours while she screwed around all because she was afraid to answer a call in which she didn't recognize the number.   Really though, good thing her kid wasn't having a seizure or something.  She would have died and cause of death would be her mom not answering the phone.

Ok, onto the next issue.   The Phone-aholics.  I would probably guess that most of you fall into this category.  I, myself, being the better person than you are,  do not.  I don't care if I forget my phone.  I can be reached at work or home for I rarely go anywhere else.  Or you can call Shoprite.   They will announce it over the loudspeaker.   I don't use my phone for banking or shopping.   I use it to communicate.   I know, so old fashioned.   So, you have these people that are obsessed with their phones.  Always looking at it, always scrolling for something.   I know one particular person who believes that because you CAN talk on your phone all the time, you SHOULD.  In fact, I can be in the middle of a face to face live conversation.  She will constantly have another conversation via texting during our live chat.   It's very annoying and insulting.   Or she will interrupt our conversation to answer the phone.  Really?  You can't just let it go?  Is there really something so pressing in your life that the incoming call can't wait?  Have a liver to transplant or something?  

The worst type of phone-aphobic is the one that will call back an unknown number just because the number showed up as a missed call.  OH MY G-D!  I MISSED A CALL!   I BETTER SEE WHO IT IS AND WHAT THEY WANT.  IT MUST BE REALLY IMPORTANT BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T LEAVE A MESSAGE.   Folks, that all was in sarcastic font which I am in the process of inventing.    One time I called my sister, only I didn't call her, I transposed a number and called the wrong person.  This person didn't answer and I hung up.  I didn't leave a voicemail saying "oh, I got the wrong number".    Later that night, around 2:00 A.M, I got a call.  Holy shit, someone died.   I answer and a dumb ass sounding girl said "Yeah, someone called me from this number".  Ummm, you were so anxious to find out who called and didn't leave a message that you couldn't wait until 10:00 A.M. to call back?  Are you really that insecure that you really had to know as soon as you realized you missed a call?   I was like "I called a wrong number you asshole"!   So, a couple of night later, I got up at an unspeakable hour (which was easy to do since I had a newborn), hit *69 and then dialed that asshole's number again.  Hoping I woke her from her beauty sleep.    But I get this shit all the time.   It's not like I dial a wrong number a lot, but when I do, I get that stupid call back.   I have several times left a  message "I dialed the wrong number, please don't call me back asking what I want.  I repeat, wrong number".  Honestly, why can't people just let it go?  You see a number on your phone as a missed call, if they didn't leave a message then it wasn't that important.  Or if it really was that important, they called you back or dialed another contact number for you.  

One of the worst offenders of the phone aholics are the gym phone aholics.   When I actually DO get off my ass and go, I go at the crack of dawn.   Around 5:30 A.M.    I do this, not because I am motived, but because I have this hatred of the human race and there are less humans there at that time.   Anyway, there is this one woman who while on one of those low to the ground bicycles who is always on the phone.  At around 6:00 A.M!  Who the fuck are you talking to at 6:00 A.M.?   And what could  you possibly have to say that can't wait until lunch time?  I can barely get out a grunt at that time.    Unless these people are opposite people, like the night shift crew.  Maybe at 6:00 A.M, they had both gotten off of work and this was like their happy hour time?    Oh, and speaking of people who are phone obsessed at the gym, the other day there was one who was the "I can't do nothing like just walk, I must absolutely scroll at my phone while doing so" type.  Like it's essential that at that moment she had to check her email or look to see who was posting on Facebook.    Well, she was doing this as she was walking and she goes straight into the men's locker room.  I kept saying out loud, but not loud enough for her to hear me "you're going in the men's room.  You're going in the men's room".   I of course made eye contact and a "you're stupid" smirk when she walked out though.

One last phone-aphobic type is the person who walks around with the blue tooth aparatice on their ear.   Everywhere.   Even during dinner.  Can't you take it off and then maybe put it back on if and when you get a call?  Do you really even need hands free if at the moment you CAN use your hands?  It's just so douche baggy I can't even explain it.  Just stop it.

People are just so phone obsessed now.   Choosing to value the electronic devise over human contact.   I'm glad our phones can take photos and videos now because people are going to stop attending events like parties, weddings, etc and instead log into FaceTime and send texts of congratulations instead.    Then, if you didn't answer your phone for the FaceTiming because you didn't recognize the incoming number, the guest of honors can at a later date show you the photos / videos that you missed.