I'M A FUGITIVE!!! THERE IS A WARRANT OUT FOR MY ARREST! MY HORRIBLE CRIME?????
WAIT FOR IT...............
LEAVING MY CAR PARKED IN THE STREET IN FRONT OF MY HOME.
I know, what a disappointment.
Here's the story...It was the evening of my daughter's birthday. My husband pulled the car out of the driveway and left it in the street so that my POOR, CRIPPLED, Mother could park in the driveway. After the wild party which lasted until the late hour of 7:00 pm, we put the kids to bed, cleaned up, sat on the couch and vegged and then forgot ALL about it.
The next day we found a ticket on the car for parking in the street overnight. So lame. We live in the suburbs, there is no street cleaning and garbage pickup wasn't that day. No reason to have a stupid law against parking in the street. The only reason I can think of is for the snow plows or just to raise revenue at the expense of tired parents like us who occasionally forget.
Anyway, the BEST part of this story is that I am actually considering turning myself in!
YES!!!!!!
A day or so in jail! I could totally use the rest and a break from the daily minutiae of my day. It sounds so inviting to me. I envision laying on my cot, reading some magazines, and having all my meals brought to me. Meals! Ones that I didn't shop for or cook myself!
Oh the glory!
No work, no kids. And this is punishment? It certainly doesn't fit the crime! I have heard of cruel and unusual punishment..but this is more like well deserved punishment! My town has some pretty wealthy people in it..I'm sure the jail is lovely. It probably even has curtains.
My other thought is to turn myself in on Mother's Day. Make it a little "Daycation". I'll get a mani-pedi first, bring my new Sarah Pekkanen book, and maybe since I'll have the time on my hands, I'll start working on my own book. Stay tuned!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The Gy(NO!) Visit
Many people have a certain time of the year where they get depressed. For some it's the holidays, others it's their birthday and a significant amount of people get depressed in the winter time. Me? My depression comes once a year when I have to have my annual at the gyno! (Enter sigh here). I'm cringing just thinking about it.
This year I got a great compliment when I went. The doctor asked "You're 39?" and I answered, "Yes, I will be 40 in June". Then he replied, "Well you look GREAT! You take good care of yourself". I was very happy when he said that but then it hit me that he was looking IN me at the time..not AT me! So, does that mean my cervix looks great for my age? Can I go around bragging that I am 40 years old but have the vagina of a 30 year old? I guess a compliment is a compliment and I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth..or in the crotch.
As I have explained in my other posts, I am a bit neurotic. Thoughts worry me that probably don't even enter other people's heads. If you dare to read on..you'll find some of my crazy concerns and some great gyno ideas:
* Do I groom first? I don't mean brush it and put bows in it, but is it proper gyno etiquette to at least shave it down? Sometimes when I go to the dentist, I think about eating Oreos first to create a challenge for the dentist, shake up his day a little. Do I extend the same challenge to the Gyno? Isn't his job bad enough?
What if the doctor's office provided the service of waxing? Wouldn't that be great? I know many women, including myself who feel humilated going to get a bikini wax. It's embarrasing, it's awkward and it's just not fun. Soo, if you feel those emotions anyway while going to the gyno AND going to the "Spa" why not just get it all over with at one time???
By the way, for years I would only see female gynecologists. I just figured that there must be something wrong with a guy who wants to do this for a living...like a pervert or something. I have since overcome that. But having a baby will do that to you. When you are in the hospital having a baby..EVERYONE, I mean EVERYONE lifts up that sheet around your legs and takes a peak. You just have no idea whether it's a doctor, nurse, custodian or visitor. But I digress, back to my issues:
*Why do they bother giving me the gown? They are looking at the most vulnerable part of me anyway. What? Covering my fat belly and droopy boobs are going to make me feel more modest? I think I would feel much better if maybe they threw a little towel over my front and then turned down the lights. He can use the little night light they keep at the end of the stirrups. Plus, in my opinion, he picked the short straw. I may be in this paper gown that rips when I put it on but I actually feel bad for him because he has to look at ME. Hey, I may be the naked one, but at least I don't have to see myself.
I once went to the doctor where instead of putting my legs up..the chair went all the way back and then up at the legs..kind of like a dentist chair but the back went down further and the leg part went up higher. Now that's service! It was awesome!!! She DID dim the lights and I almost felt as though I should be eating strawberries and sipping champagne. I was almost wishing for a high risk pregnancy just so I could go back to her.
*Oh my God, what if I fart? It could happen! What if he accidentally presses on a nerve or something and a fart sneaks out?? I would be mortified. To my knowledge this has never happened to me or anyone..but you just never know.
* My visit would definitely be more pleasurable if the office provided more services. Charge me a little more and put a flat screen tv on the ceiling. That way, I can focus on a reality tv show and not on the fact that there is someone looking and feeling my insides.
Also, while my feet are in stirrups..why not get a pedicure? Kill two birds with one stone, right? It would probably be easier for the manicurist too. They won't have to bend down to do my toes..since my feet will be up in the air supported by stirrups anyway. Also, it's not like I can leave work to get a pedicure..but it's a perfectly good excuse to leave work to go to the doctor. So what if I come back wearing flip flops with tissue between by toes.
So Gynos: If you're out there,reading this just remember the following:
TV on ceiling, pedicure, dim lights and just forget about the damn gown.
364 days until my next gyno anxiety attack.
This year I got a great compliment when I went. The doctor asked "You're 39?" and I answered, "Yes, I will be 40 in June". Then he replied, "Well you look GREAT! You take good care of yourself". I was very happy when he said that but then it hit me that he was looking IN me at the time..not AT me! So, does that mean my cervix looks great for my age? Can I go around bragging that I am 40 years old but have the vagina of a 30 year old? I guess a compliment is a compliment and I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth..or in the crotch.
As I have explained in my other posts, I am a bit neurotic. Thoughts worry me that probably don't even enter other people's heads. If you dare to read on..you'll find some of my crazy concerns and some great gyno ideas:
* Do I groom first? I don't mean brush it and put bows in it, but is it proper gyno etiquette to at least shave it down? Sometimes when I go to the dentist, I think about eating Oreos first to create a challenge for the dentist, shake up his day a little. Do I extend the same challenge to the Gyno? Isn't his job bad enough?
What if the doctor's office provided the service of waxing? Wouldn't that be great? I know many women, including myself who feel humilated going to get a bikini wax. It's embarrasing, it's awkward and it's just not fun. Soo, if you feel those emotions anyway while going to the gyno AND going to the "Spa" why not just get it all over with at one time???
By the way, for years I would only see female gynecologists. I just figured that there must be something wrong with a guy who wants to do this for a living...like a pervert or something. I have since overcome that. But having a baby will do that to you. When you are in the hospital having a baby..EVERYONE, I mean EVERYONE lifts up that sheet around your legs and takes a peak. You just have no idea whether it's a doctor, nurse, custodian or visitor. But I digress, back to my issues:
*Why do they bother giving me the gown? They are looking at the most vulnerable part of me anyway. What? Covering my fat belly and droopy boobs are going to make me feel more modest? I think I would feel much better if maybe they threw a little towel over my front and then turned down the lights. He can use the little night light they keep at the end of the stirrups. Plus, in my opinion, he picked the short straw. I may be in this paper gown that rips when I put it on but I actually feel bad for him because he has to look at ME. Hey, I may be the naked one, but at least I don't have to see myself.
I once went to the doctor where instead of putting my legs up..the chair went all the way back and then up at the legs..kind of like a dentist chair but the back went down further and the leg part went up higher. Now that's service! It was awesome!!! She DID dim the lights and I almost felt as though I should be eating strawberries and sipping champagne. I was almost wishing for a high risk pregnancy just so I could go back to her.
*Oh my God, what if I fart? It could happen! What if he accidentally presses on a nerve or something and a fart sneaks out?? I would be mortified. To my knowledge this has never happened to me or anyone..but you just never know.
* My visit would definitely be more pleasurable if the office provided more services. Charge me a little more and put a flat screen tv on the ceiling. That way, I can focus on a reality tv show and not on the fact that there is someone looking and feeling my insides.
Also, while my feet are in stirrups..why not get a pedicure? Kill two birds with one stone, right? It would probably be easier for the manicurist too. They won't have to bend down to do my toes..since my feet will be up in the air supported by stirrups anyway. Also, it's not like I can leave work to get a pedicure..but it's a perfectly good excuse to leave work to go to the doctor. So what if I come back wearing flip flops with tissue between by toes.
So Gynos: If you're out there,reading this just remember the following:
TV on ceiling, pedicure, dim lights and just forget about the damn gown.
364 days until my next gyno anxiety attack.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Just A Day in the Park
Have you ever been to the park with your son or daughter and you see a crazy lady yelling at other people's kids? That crazy lady happens to be me! But I have a declaration to make: I am DONE..DONE parenting other people's children!
It is completely beyond my comprehension why people bring their children to public places and then don't bother to watch them? Granted when a kid reaches a certain age, it is not necessary to stand over them. But your eyes should always be on them. The park is for sharing. If you don't want to share or behave appropriately...stay home.
Incident number one happened when my daughter had her eye on the tire swing the moment we got the park. It was always in use. As my daughter was walking towards another activity, she saw that the tire swing had become free. She started running towards it and was an arm length's away when a boy saw her, looked back at where she was running to and hauled ass to the swing and got on it. Just to get a better mental picture, he was walking with two other boys in the opposite direction of this swing. He had already passed it, knowing it was unoccupied. Upon seeing my daughter run towards it, he decided he had to get on it at that moment. So when he did that, I made it a point to let him know that it was a very mean thing to do. I waited for a parent to come and say "hey, why don't you give the girl a turn" but no one showed up. So my daughter walked away holding back the tears. I really had an urge to push the kid off the swing. Hopefully my verbal abuse was enough to scar him.
Incident number two was with a girl sitting at the edge of the slide. I don't know who the girl was and it wasn't my kid going down at the time. But, I thought I would be a good Samaritan and warn the girl that someone was coming down and that she might want to stop loitering at the end of the slide. She got up, the kid came down..but THEN SHE SAT BACK DOWN ON THE SLIDE! What a dumb kid! I mean, while she was sitting on the slide, she was looking at a bench. Wouldn't that be a better place to take a rest? So, she is sitting back down on the slide and it's my daughter's turn to go down. I give the girl another chance. Hey, not all kids are as bright as mine. :) I let her know that she is about to get kicked in the back. Ok, so I wasn't saving a life here, and maybe she would get just a little hurt..but where's her fucking mother telling her to move?? And, just because I happen to be the responsible adult standing there, is it MY responsibility to teach this child cause and effect?
The last incident was another kid using the slide inappropriately. He was walking up it as my daughter was trying to go down. This time I just said "fuck it" and I didn't say a word. If his idiotic parent doesn't care if his teeth get knocked out than neither do I. My three year old had the decency to get up and move out of the way. I secretly wish she hadn't. I wish she went down and knocked this boy on his ass. But then again, here is my three year old who is in the 3rd percentile weight wise and the 50th percentile for height up against a boy who looks like a monster compared to her.
When she was done with the slide, I had HAD it with the park and idiotic kids and their ignorant parents. I bribed my girls with Dairy Queen and got the hell out of Dodge.
I am also very glad I invested in my backyard swing set.
It is completely beyond my comprehension why people bring their children to public places and then don't bother to watch them? Granted when a kid reaches a certain age, it is not necessary to stand over them. But your eyes should always be on them. The park is for sharing. If you don't want to share or behave appropriately...stay home.
Incident number one happened when my daughter had her eye on the tire swing the moment we got the park. It was always in use. As my daughter was walking towards another activity, she saw that the tire swing had become free. She started running towards it and was an arm length's away when a boy saw her, looked back at where she was running to and hauled ass to the swing and got on it. Just to get a better mental picture, he was walking with two other boys in the opposite direction of this swing. He had already passed it, knowing it was unoccupied. Upon seeing my daughter run towards it, he decided he had to get on it at that moment. So when he did that, I made it a point to let him know that it was a very mean thing to do. I waited for a parent to come and say "hey, why don't you give the girl a turn" but no one showed up. So my daughter walked away holding back the tears. I really had an urge to push the kid off the swing. Hopefully my verbal abuse was enough to scar him.
Incident number two was with a girl sitting at the edge of the slide. I don't know who the girl was and it wasn't my kid going down at the time. But, I thought I would be a good Samaritan and warn the girl that someone was coming down and that she might want to stop loitering at the end of the slide. She got up, the kid came down..but THEN SHE SAT BACK DOWN ON THE SLIDE! What a dumb kid! I mean, while she was sitting on the slide, she was looking at a bench. Wouldn't that be a better place to take a rest? So, she is sitting back down on the slide and it's my daughter's turn to go down. I give the girl another chance. Hey, not all kids are as bright as mine. :) I let her know that she is about to get kicked in the back. Ok, so I wasn't saving a life here, and maybe she would get just a little hurt..but where's her fucking mother telling her to move?? And, just because I happen to be the responsible adult standing there, is it MY responsibility to teach this child cause and effect?
The last incident was another kid using the slide inappropriately. He was walking up it as my daughter was trying to go down. This time I just said "fuck it" and I didn't say a word. If his idiotic parent doesn't care if his teeth get knocked out than neither do I. My three year old had the decency to get up and move out of the way. I secretly wish she hadn't. I wish she went down and knocked this boy on his ass. But then again, here is my three year old who is in the 3rd percentile weight wise and the 50th percentile for height up against a boy who looks like a monster compared to her.
When she was done with the slide, I had HAD it with the park and idiotic kids and their ignorant parents. I bribed my girls with Dairy Queen and got the hell out of Dodge.
I am also very glad I invested in my backyard swing set.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
EWWW! That's F'kin GROSS!
It's only Wednesday but I can't believe I have survived this week so far unscathed. By now I should have received a virus or been punched in the face. I have witnessed three gross, disgusting acts of "Sanitation Betrayal" (yes, I coined my own term. Like it??)...and I was VERY vocal about it.
On Monday I went into the bathroom at work. There are two stalls. The person in the other stall was obviously making a doodie. It stunk, she was noisy about it and when she heard me walk in..she made an attempt to hurry up and get out. I guess she was shy about her pooping. So, if you have read my other posts, you will know that I am VERY QUICK with my peeing. As she was walking out of her stall, I flushed. When I opened my stall door I noticed that she DID NOT WASH HER HANDS! Ewww! Ick! Yuck!. As she was running out the door (I did not see her face so I don't know if it is someone who works in the building - which means it could be a repeat offender) I yelled "Wash your fucking hands you pig". I have no idea if she heard me, I really don't understand how she couldn't. I mean, I mumble shit under my breath and both my husband and boss hear them when I really don't want them too. I envisioned her coming back in and smacking me with that smelly, fecal contaminated hand. I learned my lesson though. You just never know! I washed my hands and I took the paper towel I used to dry them to turn the door knob. The walk back to the office suite from the bathroom was uneventful. I was safe!
Lady: In case you are reading this, and you know who you are even if I don't know who you are. After you go potty, you wash your hands with warm water. As you are washing your hands, sing this song so that you know when it's time to stop washing:
(To the tune of "Where is Thumpkin") Top and bottom / top and bottom / in between / in between / rub them all together / rub them all together/ Now we're clean / Now we're clean.
Yesterday I went to the A&P Grocery store. While I was waiting on line at the pharmacy, some older lady walks past me and I hear "Kah". (That's my onomatopoei for a cough). EWWWL! She coughed and didn't even cover her mouth!!!! What the fuck is wrong with her?????????? My daughter who just turned 3 last week even says "germs are not for sharing". How come this old lady does not know this? Was she just too lazy to move her arm up to her mouth? She had nothing in her hands and she wasn't pushing a cart. It's not like her hands were busy doing something else. Of course I could not keep this to myself so I said "Ewl, cover your mouth". I did not add any name calling. She was old..I showed a little respect. Again, I expected a dirty look, a germ contaminated hand to smack me. Nothing! Nothing! So my theory would be that people who display Sanitary Betrayal behaviors are passive aggressive. They won't say or do anything to defend their wrong actions, they will just get you sick by spreading their "icky bugs".
The third act of Sanitary Betrayal was also yesterday at the A&P. (Sorry A&P, you're getting a bad rep here). I was on line (or is it in line?) at the checkout. The person checking out in front of me paid by cash. The cashier was giving change and she LICKED HER FINGER to get a better grip on the dollar bill! So fucking gross!!!! Why would she do that? If she has trouble grabbing bills, she should wear one of those rubber things on her fingers like bank tellers do. If I were the customer I would have asked her to put that money aside and get a manger to hand her the change. So now this poor person is walking around with spit in her wallet. I have heard of dirty money..but this is ridiculous. When it was my turn to pay...I took out my credit card and swiped it myself. My germs are not for sharing!
I am by far not a germ a phobe! My house is dirty and I did not use hand sanitizer when my kids were babies. I think being exposed to a little dirt is ok and my kids are pretty much never sick. BUT, I'm starting to think that Michael Jackson had the right idea walking around with gloves anad a mask on!
On Monday I went into the bathroom at work. There are two stalls. The person in the other stall was obviously making a doodie. It stunk, she was noisy about it and when she heard me walk in..she made an attempt to hurry up and get out. I guess she was shy about her pooping. So, if you have read my other posts, you will know that I am VERY QUICK with my peeing. As she was walking out of her stall, I flushed. When I opened my stall door I noticed that she DID NOT WASH HER HANDS! Ewww! Ick! Yuck!. As she was running out the door (I did not see her face so I don't know if it is someone who works in the building - which means it could be a repeat offender) I yelled "Wash your fucking hands you pig". I have no idea if she heard me, I really don't understand how she couldn't. I mean, I mumble shit under my breath and both my husband and boss hear them when I really don't want them too. I envisioned her coming back in and smacking me with that smelly, fecal contaminated hand. I learned my lesson though. You just never know! I washed my hands and I took the paper towel I used to dry them to turn the door knob. The walk back to the office suite from the bathroom was uneventful. I was safe!
Lady: In case you are reading this, and you know who you are even if I don't know who you are. After you go potty, you wash your hands with warm water. As you are washing your hands, sing this song so that you know when it's time to stop washing:
(To the tune of "Where is Thumpkin") Top and bottom / top and bottom / in between / in between / rub them all together / rub them all together/ Now we're clean / Now we're clean.
Yesterday I went to the A&P Grocery store. While I was waiting on line at the pharmacy, some older lady walks past me and I hear "Kah". (That's my onomatopoei for a cough). EWWWL! She coughed and didn't even cover her mouth!!!! What the fuck is wrong with her?????????? My daughter who just turned 3 last week even says "germs are not for sharing". How come this old lady does not know this? Was she just too lazy to move her arm up to her mouth? She had nothing in her hands and she wasn't pushing a cart. It's not like her hands were busy doing something else. Of course I could not keep this to myself so I said "Ewl, cover your mouth". I did not add any name calling. She was old..I showed a little respect. Again, I expected a dirty look, a germ contaminated hand to smack me. Nothing! Nothing! So my theory would be that people who display Sanitary Betrayal behaviors are passive aggressive. They won't say or do anything to defend their wrong actions, they will just get you sick by spreading their "icky bugs".
The third act of Sanitary Betrayal was also yesterday at the A&P. (Sorry A&P, you're getting a bad rep here). I was on line (or is it in line?) at the checkout. The person checking out in front of me paid by cash. The cashier was giving change and she LICKED HER FINGER to get a better grip on the dollar bill! So fucking gross!!!! Why would she do that? If she has trouble grabbing bills, she should wear one of those rubber things on her fingers like bank tellers do. If I were the customer I would have asked her to put that money aside and get a manger to hand her the change. So now this poor person is walking around with spit in her wallet. I have heard of dirty money..but this is ridiculous. When it was my turn to pay...I took out my credit card and swiped it myself. My germs are not for sharing!
I am by far not a germ a phobe! My house is dirty and I did not use hand sanitizer when my kids were babies. I think being exposed to a little dirt is ok and my kids are pretty much never sick. BUT, I'm starting to think that Michael Jackson had the right idea walking around with gloves anad a mask on!
Monday, March 8, 2010
IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS
It's the little things that drive me friggin insane. Ironically, big issues I can seem to forgive, forget and move on. Granted, it might take a slight freakout before the forgiving and forgetting but at least I do move on. On the other hand I have several little pet peeves that drive me bananas. And while we are on the topic of bananas, I will focus on just one of my pet peeves here: The Supermarket. Yes, just going to the supermarket can have me break out in hives with all the LITTLE things that are BIG problems for me.
Let's start with the Deli line:
First, I just get annoyed when the person in front of me has a huge list of things to order. Every time the person behind the counter says "anything else?" with that look in his eyes that are really saying "Please don't have anything else" the customer replies with one more thing that I am internally hoping is really the last! Of course I can't prevent my timing from being in line behind this person, but the only option is to do more shopping and hope when I get back on line the long list person is gone. I am rarely brave enough to do this. I wish I had the guts to just say "Give the guy your freakin list so that at least he can just get all your stuff ready instead of saying "anything else" after each item.
You probably think I wouldn't have another issue with the deli line, but guess what, I do. This one I actually executed but I got dirty looks. I don't think I did anything wrong in this case but apparently I didn't use proper Deli Line Etiquette. So I'm on line and the person whose current turn it was had ordered a certain brand of turkey that I happen to also purchase. While the counter guy was slicing it up I said loud enough for him to hear "I want that too, so can I please have 1/2 a pound also"? OH MY G-D! You would think I stole bread from a homeless person or knocked over a handicapped person with the look I got from the others on line! I really didn't think I did anything wrong!!!! I mean, the guy had it out anyway, and why should he put it away just to take it out when it was my turn again? I was being efficient, not only for the employee but for others on line after me. Just for giggles, let's take the same act and put it in a different situation. Let's just say you are in your home and your significant other, roommate, whatever, is standing at the open fridge pouring a glass of water. Is it out of line to say, "Hey, don't put that pitcher back, I want some water too." Or is it more polite to make the person put away the water just for me say "Oh, can you take the water back out? I want some too"?
My next beef (GET IT, BEEF! AT THE GROCERY STORE! HA!) is with the new check out lines where you check yourself out. I'm weird with this one because sometimes I do enjoy doing it myself but at other times I'm like, "What the fuck? Now there's another job I need to do". I mean there are two times when I can do nothing, just hang and wait with my own thoughts. One time is sitting on the toilet..the other is waiting on line and waiting for my check out to be done. I am required to do nothing for a few minutes of my life and it's sooo refreshing. So when I am forced to check myself out I get kind of ticked. Also I feel the same way about self check out as I do about driving. Everybody else sucks at it but me. People are always holding up the line by not knowing the code for the fruit or vegetable they scan (want to test me: bananas = code 4011) or their item won't scan. Of course it's always user error unless it's my turn and it is not working.
My last issue regards the parking lot. This is HUGE for me and I don't know why I can't just get over it. Why the heck can't people put their shopping carts back in the corral???? How hard is it to walk over to the little hut and stick your cart back in? You just walked around a grocery store..I'm sure you have the ability to walk over and put the cart away. The WORST... WORST, is when someone sticks the cart in an empty handicapped spot. EWWWW, that infuriates me! What is handicapped person going to do? Get out of their car and put it away for you so they can park???? C'mon!!!
The second worst is when someone sticks their cart behind or against your car so that YOU have to put their friggin cart away (or let it roll) just so you can leave! And since I brought up rolling carts..that is one reason why I will never, ever, get a really nice car. Until I am done with parking at supermarket parking lots, I will continue to drive a car in which I don't care about dings or scratches.
Let's start with the Deli line:
First, I just get annoyed when the person in front of me has a huge list of things to order. Every time the person behind the counter says "anything else?" with that look in his eyes that are really saying "Please don't have anything else" the customer replies with one more thing that I am internally hoping is really the last! Of course I can't prevent my timing from being in line behind this person, but the only option is to do more shopping and hope when I get back on line the long list person is gone. I am rarely brave enough to do this. I wish I had the guts to just say "Give the guy your freakin list so that at least he can just get all your stuff ready instead of saying "anything else" after each item.
You probably think I wouldn't have another issue with the deli line, but guess what, I do. This one I actually executed but I got dirty looks. I don't think I did anything wrong in this case but apparently I didn't use proper Deli Line Etiquette. So I'm on line and the person whose current turn it was had ordered a certain brand of turkey that I happen to also purchase. While the counter guy was slicing it up I said loud enough for him to hear "I want that too, so can I please have 1/2 a pound also"? OH MY G-D! You would think I stole bread from a homeless person or knocked over a handicapped person with the look I got from the others on line! I really didn't think I did anything wrong!!!! I mean, the guy had it out anyway, and why should he put it away just to take it out when it was my turn again? I was being efficient, not only for the employee but for others on line after me. Just for giggles, let's take the same act and put it in a different situation. Let's just say you are in your home and your significant other, roommate, whatever, is standing at the open fridge pouring a glass of water. Is it out of line to say, "Hey, don't put that pitcher back, I want some water too." Or is it more polite to make the person put away the water just for me say "Oh, can you take the water back out? I want some too"?
My next beef (GET IT, BEEF! AT THE GROCERY STORE! HA!) is with the new check out lines where you check yourself out. I'm weird with this one because sometimes I do enjoy doing it myself but at other times I'm like, "What the fuck? Now there's another job I need to do". I mean there are two times when I can do nothing, just hang and wait with my own thoughts. One time is sitting on the toilet..the other is waiting on line and waiting for my check out to be done. I am required to do nothing for a few minutes of my life and it's sooo refreshing. So when I am forced to check myself out I get kind of ticked. Also I feel the same way about self check out as I do about driving. Everybody else sucks at it but me. People are always holding up the line by not knowing the code for the fruit or vegetable they scan (want to test me: bananas = code 4011) or their item won't scan. Of course it's always user error unless it's my turn and it is not working.
My last issue regards the parking lot. This is HUGE for me and I don't know why I can't just get over it. Why the heck can't people put their shopping carts back in the corral???? How hard is it to walk over to the little hut and stick your cart back in? You just walked around a grocery store..I'm sure you have the ability to walk over and put the cart away. The WORST... WORST, is when someone sticks the cart in an empty handicapped spot. EWWWW, that infuriates me! What is handicapped person going to do? Get out of their car and put it away for you so they can park???? C'mon!!!
The second worst is when someone sticks their cart behind or against your car so that YOU have to put their friggin cart away (or let it roll) just so you can leave! And since I brought up rolling carts..that is one reason why I will never, ever, get a really nice car. Until I am done with parking at supermarket parking lots, I will continue to drive a car in which I don't care about dings or scratches.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
I Hate Babies...But I'll Have Yours!!
I can't stand babies! In fact, when my first daughter was born I was pretty upset. On tv, even some of those realty TLC Channel shows, the mom is instantly in love with the newborn. That did not happen to me. I didn't feel "the magic" as soon as my baby was born. To be honest, I didn't quite bond with either of my daughters until they were over 1 year old. I remember being in music class with my then 9 month old. I looked at the faces at all the other moms and they were smiling and enjoying their baby. I was like "What the heck are they so happy about?".
For me, the worst part of having children was getting through what I call the Maintenance Phase. It could be because I am such a schedule Nazi and I am a freak about timing. I would get worried about leaving the house because I was afraid that I would not get home at the EXACT time that I needed to feed the baby. What if there was traffic? What if the baby fell asleep in the car and totally ruined the nap schedule? Also, I prefer it when the children can properly communicate. Wanna cry? Fine. Just tell me what you are crying about and I'll fix it. Infants just annoy me. Having to pay attention to how much they ate, how much they pooped, what color it was. So much work. AND lets not even go there with breast feeding. Let's just say my kids are definitely my kids. They would much rather do take out than cook at home. I tried for a week, forget it! I truly believe that if G-d wanted me to breastfeed, especially since HE made me a neurotic mother, He would have put a gage on my boob. I mean, how am I (or any other woman) supposed to figure out how much my baby ate??? Needless to say, I am done having children.
Ok, here is the ironic part. I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED being pregnant(and I'm apparently really good at giving birth too. Too bad it's not an Olympic sport, I think I would get a medal). If I could handle the babies, I would be pregnant all the time! Honestly, when I was younger I was terrified of the day that I might be pregnant. I pass out when I get a paper cut! How would I manage being sick all the time and pushing a baby out for hours? Well, thank goodness none of that happened. I never, ever got morning sickness. I loved the fact that if I were crossing the street or parking lot, a car would actually STOP instead of trying to run me over! People let me cut the line at the grocery store! There were just sooo many benefits. My husband loved it too. For someone who is usually indifferent about the act of making babies, I was pretty horny. Then to top it off, I had amazing deliveries. When my first daughter was born, I wasn't even sure if I was having contractions. I had a back ache. Because it kept coming and going my husband suggested it was labor. My daughter was born 3 hours after I went into the hospital (and about 20 minutes of actual pushing). When my second and final daughter was born, I sneezed and she came out! No, really, I woke up at ten after eight in the morning and thought I felt something. Decided to call the doctor, left for the hospital at 8:30. She was born at 8:50. I threw myself in the hospital bed and put my own legs in the stirrups. Too late for the epidural and my doctor not only missed the delivery but still charged my insurance company! But I digress. Let's get back on track here.
So, the fact that I love being pregnant and have easy deliveries, but really don't care for infants; I found the perfect compromise: Be a surrogate! Yes! My husband even thought it was a terrific idea. I mean, we both think it's a charitable thing to do anyway, but I'm sure my husband was persuaded by the horniness that comes along with being pregnant. I offered to be a surrogate for a friend in need but it turns out that New Jersey has some crazy laws about surrogacy so she choose someone from out of state. One of the crazy laws is that it is not permitted to compensate the birth mother. To be honest, I don't even care about compensation. The joy of making someone happy by giving them the gift of a lifetime is compensation enough. Though I never had a chance to pursue my PASSION of being a surrogate, I think I should give up on the dream since I am thisclose to forty. My eggs might be close to scrambled by now.
My other passion in life is to become a foster parent. I have always wanted to show an unloved or mistreated child that there really are decent and kind grown ups. Of course, I would want to foster, or adopt, a child who is at least five years old. My husband and I decided- well before children were a consideration- that if the day came and we could not have children on our own, I would not go through great pains to create a baby. We would foster or adopt instead. In fact, I still do want to be a foster parent though I already have two wonderful children. People put it down or automatically discount it because the children may have "issues" from being mistreated or from being moved around from home to home. My goal would be to make this child feel so loved that he / she would not ever want to leave.
Moral of this story? Is it fucked up of me for wanting to give away a child I actually gave birth to, yet I have the desire for taking in other people's neglected children? Thoughts anyone???
For me, the worst part of having children was getting through what I call the Maintenance Phase. It could be because I am such a schedule Nazi and I am a freak about timing. I would get worried about leaving the house because I was afraid that I would not get home at the EXACT time that I needed to feed the baby. What if there was traffic? What if the baby fell asleep in the car and totally ruined the nap schedule? Also, I prefer it when the children can properly communicate. Wanna cry? Fine. Just tell me what you are crying about and I'll fix it. Infants just annoy me. Having to pay attention to how much they ate, how much they pooped, what color it was. So much work. AND lets not even go there with breast feeding. Let's just say my kids are definitely my kids. They would much rather do take out than cook at home. I tried for a week, forget it! I truly believe that if G-d wanted me to breastfeed, especially since HE made me a neurotic mother, He would have put a gage on my boob. I mean, how am I (or any other woman) supposed to figure out how much my baby ate??? Needless to say, I am done having children.
Ok, here is the ironic part. I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED being pregnant(and I'm apparently really good at giving birth too. Too bad it's not an Olympic sport, I think I would get a medal). If I could handle the babies, I would be pregnant all the time! Honestly, when I was younger I was terrified of the day that I might be pregnant. I pass out when I get a paper cut! How would I manage being sick all the time and pushing a baby out for hours? Well, thank goodness none of that happened. I never, ever got morning sickness. I loved the fact that if I were crossing the street or parking lot, a car would actually STOP instead of trying to run me over! People let me cut the line at the grocery store! There were just sooo many benefits. My husband loved it too. For someone who is usually indifferent about the act of making babies, I was pretty horny. Then to top it off, I had amazing deliveries. When my first daughter was born, I wasn't even sure if I was having contractions. I had a back ache. Because it kept coming and going my husband suggested it was labor. My daughter was born 3 hours after I went into the hospital (and about 20 minutes of actual pushing). When my second and final daughter was born, I sneezed and she came out! No, really, I woke up at ten after eight in the morning and thought I felt something. Decided to call the doctor, left for the hospital at 8:30. She was born at 8:50. I threw myself in the hospital bed and put my own legs in the stirrups. Too late for the epidural and my doctor not only missed the delivery but still charged my insurance company! But I digress. Let's get back on track here.
So, the fact that I love being pregnant and have easy deliveries, but really don't care for infants; I found the perfect compromise: Be a surrogate! Yes! My husband even thought it was a terrific idea. I mean, we both think it's a charitable thing to do anyway, but I'm sure my husband was persuaded by the horniness that comes along with being pregnant. I offered to be a surrogate for a friend in need but it turns out that New Jersey has some crazy laws about surrogacy so she choose someone from out of state. One of the crazy laws is that it is not permitted to compensate the birth mother. To be honest, I don't even care about compensation. The joy of making someone happy by giving them the gift of a lifetime is compensation enough. Though I never had a chance to pursue my PASSION of being a surrogate, I think I should give up on the dream since I am thisclose to forty. My eggs might be close to scrambled by now.
My other passion in life is to become a foster parent. I have always wanted to show an unloved or mistreated child that there really are decent and kind grown ups. Of course, I would want to foster, or adopt, a child who is at least five years old. My husband and I decided- well before children were a consideration- that if the day came and we could not have children on our own, I would not go through great pains to create a baby. We would foster or adopt instead. In fact, I still do want to be a foster parent though I already have two wonderful children. People put it down or automatically discount it because the children may have "issues" from being mistreated or from being moved around from home to home. My goal would be to make this child feel so loved that he / she would not ever want to leave.
Moral of this story? Is it fucked up of me for wanting to give away a child I actually gave birth to, yet I have the desire for taking in other people's neglected children? Thoughts anyone???
Monday, February 8, 2010
I DO, I DO and I DO
When I said "I DO" I didn't realize it meant that I would have to do EVERYTHING! My husband does stuff, don't get me wrong. But the scales of marriage-dom aren't exactly balanced. My husband does the stuff that physically I don't want to such as taking out the garbage and recycling, raking leaves, cleaning gutters, shoveling snow, etc. Those are big ticket items..but when you add up all the little things I think my side tips, just a bit.
One time, my husband asked me for Karen and Steve's address. I was able to rattle it off without looking it up in my book. He was amazed that I new it immediately without even thinking. So my response was, "We had a wedding, we had a baby, the baby had four birthday parties. That's 6 invitations / announcements and 6 thank you notes and on top of that a holiday card for the past 7 years. How can I NOT know their address?". The moral of the story is, when it comes to physical labor, my husband is it...but the rest of the stuff falls on me. And it's a lot. Think of it. We have two children. My job is to figure out what they are going to eat for the week, buy it, sometimes make it. I do their laundry, fold their clothes, put it away and then also figure out what they are going to wear. I plan all of their birthday parties including writing out all the invitations and thank you notes, planning the entertainment and menu. Additionally, I have all other "wifely" duties like working a full time job, planning weekend activities, not only for the kids but social get togethers for us grownups. I schlep the girls to their dance class and then go grocery shopping.
Believe it or not, this is not a post complaining about all that I do. This is a solution to a problem that a lot of wives / mom's have. And the answer is:
MAKE POLYGAMY LEGAL!
Making polygamy legal is a win-win situation. If I had a sister wife, I would spend less time stressing about all that has to be done. I wouldn't have to try and accomplish personal things while at work. Dinner would almost always be ready by the time I got home and there would be no excuse for the house to be dirty. Currently, the bathroom is so dirty that if I have to pee I run down to the gas station. It's cleaner.
Polygamy would not only be beneficial to me, but my husband as well. Think of it this way: He never has to feel put off if I am not "in the mood". I can just say "Go ask my sister wife. Maybe she feels like doing it tonight". Never again will I have to fake a headache or explain why I have had my period for 2 weeks straight.
The only way polygamy would backfire is if there is only one wife and more than one husband! THAT would be a catastrophe.
One time, my husband asked me for Karen and Steve's address. I was able to rattle it off without looking it up in my book. He was amazed that I new it immediately without even thinking. So my response was, "We had a wedding, we had a baby, the baby had four birthday parties. That's 6 invitations / announcements and 6 thank you notes and on top of that a holiday card for the past 7 years. How can I NOT know their address?". The moral of the story is, when it comes to physical labor, my husband is it...but the rest of the stuff falls on me. And it's a lot. Think of it. We have two children. My job is to figure out what they are going to eat for the week, buy it, sometimes make it. I do their laundry, fold their clothes, put it away and then also figure out what they are going to wear. I plan all of their birthday parties including writing out all the invitations and thank you notes, planning the entertainment and menu. Additionally, I have all other "wifely" duties like working a full time job, planning weekend activities, not only for the kids but social get togethers for us grownups. I schlep the girls to their dance class and then go grocery shopping.
Believe it or not, this is not a post complaining about all that I do. This is a solution to a problem that a lot of wives / mom's have. And the answer is:
MAKE POLYGAMY LEGAL!
Making polygamy legal is a win-win situation. If I had a sister wife, I would spend less time stressing about all that has to be done. I wouldn't have to try and accomplish personal things while at work. Dinner would almost always be ready by the time I got home and there would be no excuse for the house to be dirty. Currently, the bathroom is so dirty that if I have to pee I run down to the gas station. It's cleaner.
Polygamy would not only be beneficial to me, but my husband as well. Think of it this way: He never has to feel put off if I am not "in the mood". I can just say "Go ask my sister wife. Maybe she feels like doing it tonight". Never again will I have to fake a headache or explain why I have had my period for 2 weeks straight.
The only way polygamy would backfire is if there is only one wife and more than one husband! THAT would be a catastrophe.
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