AND THE AWARD GOES TO ...

It should friggen go to ME! ME! I am the best actress in the world!

Every day of my life, almost every moment, I am acting. I act like a mom, I act like a happy employee, I act like a sane human being (Well, sometimes). Yes, it's all an act, and I deserve the award for pulling it off and fooling everybody.

My phoniness starts first thing in the morning when I have to wake my daughters up for school. The real mom would yank the covers back, say "get the hell up" and maybe even dump cold water on their heads. But the actress in me calmly sits down on the bed, moves the hair away from their face and lovingly wakes them up with back rubs and kisses. It takes me a few minutes to get into my role. I must meditate and visualize the calmness prior to going into their bedroom. And the award for best actress goes to..Me!

I walk into day care to drop my daughter off. I say "good morning" with a smile. Yep, acting again. I'm a miserable fuck and most likely it was not a good morning. Sometimes I retort with "Well, it is morning", but just by responding alone, I am in character and playing a role. I'm sure if you ask any of the teachers, they would say I'm pleasant. I usually wear a smile and engage in conversation. It is absolutely an act....and I am good ood ood ood.

Off to work I go. This is where my craft really shines. I can seriously be going off on my boss, giving attitude (the real me) and then "ring, ring!"; I answer the phone with a smile on my face. The victim on the other end of the phone line has no idea that two seconds ago I was a raging lunatic. From his point of view, I am sooo happy to be answering that phone, like it's what I wake up each morning dying to do. My responsiveness is quite the performance. Attempting to go above expectations and assist people in a timely manner. Acting!!! I really don't care that you want a copy of a letter that I already sent you. Fucking pay attention the first time, asshole. This happens a lot with the agents I work with. They call my office with an attitude about not being carbon copied on a communication. When I explain that they were carbon copied the same exact time I faxed the letter out (yes, I can enter several fax numbers at one time for a single transmission, that's how I keep track of who it goes to). I often get the response "OH, I didn't check my fax machine". Well, you know what you stupid dick head? Look at your in coming faxes first and THEN call me to bitch that you didn't get a copy. Of course, being the fine actress that I am, I reply in a calm, friendly way that I will resend the document". I am able to remain in character until I disconnect the call (my version of the director calling "cut") and then calling that person a stupid bitch.

What pisses me off the most is that these paid for actors, the entertainers, really get awards for doing it...and worse of all, such a big deal is made about it. Let's put this in perspective: these people ENTERTAIN for a living. That's worthy of an award????? One in which they get a couple of minutes to thank people and have a platform for their ridiculous monologues. They PRETEND for a living. Most of the time they don't even have to create. It's someone else's job to write the words they need to say. (At least in my profession it's ad lib).

Wouldn't it be awesome if you woke up each morning and someone handed you a sheet of paper with every line you were going to say that day? I mean, you would know early on in the day what shit was going to come your way. You would also know how the other party is going to react! Because it's in your script! Damn I wish my day was like that.

It's also someone else's job to create the actors' costumes (I have to go out and buy my own clothes to perform my job). It's someone else's job to put on their make-up. If you ever saw me without mine, you would think I deserve an award for how I turn out after I apply. All these performers have to do is show up and read a line and make it believable. Again, my daily life...and it's all day long. Not just until the shooting is done. Plus, if they screw up, they get to do it again!!!! How many people can say that about their position? I screw up and I'm literally screwed. No re-do's. It's on to damage control.

I think real working people should get paid tons of money and have televised award shows. The doctor who performed emergency surgery and saved a person's life should actually have the opportunity to get a trophy and thank the people who supported him. Why is an actor, pretending to be a doctor, pretending to save some one's life, getting such an award? I think the administrative support employee should get an award for successfully covering up her boss' error. On the spot, coming up with dialogue to diffuse a situation. Keeping an account when such a fuck up occurs. "And the award for supporting actress goes to...." I mean there are many people in this situation who have to immediately come up with verbal resolution to appease a client. They are the real heroes! Where's their award? How come they aren't on tv telling people how they single handily saved the day. They don't get to go on stage and thank their spouses for their support. And these people get paid FAR LESS money than the people who act out their job on tv or the big screen. What about Michelle Pfiefer in that movie where she's a teacher to an unruly class. She got paid a bazzillion times more than any real teacher of an unruly class would. It's really unfair to those teachers who actually live that life and nobody calls out the word "CUT!" to get the assholes to stop. But this woman who pretended to want to beat the shit out of her students because they drove her crazy got more accolades than any real teacher who showed such restraint.

The only exception to this is Charlie Sheen. In light of recent events, I do believe he is worth tons of money and should get an award. Like me, he is certifiably crazy and he somehow pulls it together and acts NORMAL on tv. Now that's talent.