Jury Doodie

I recently had the (un)pleasure of being called for jury duty. I realize it's the least I could do for my country - besides paying taxes to live here and recycling - and I certainly enjoyed the day off from work, but jury doodie really stinks!


Of course I think the system is incredibly flawed. Their first mistake? Making me pay to return my questionnaire. They send you the form in the mail requesting your presence at the court house. However, beforehand you must complete the attached form and return it via mail. Whattt?? I get the bad news that I have to go and then they make me pay 45 cents for it!!!! That's fucked up, man. As a courtesy, they should at least provide one of those postage free envelopes.



The next problem? They didn't even check my identification! If I had known that they would not check to see if the real Stacey showed up I could have bribed someone to go in my place and did something fun instead. I had the excused absence from work, with documentation. That never happens. I usually have to invent a sick kid or get one of those online doctor's notes.



Then came the excuses! Everyone had an issue on why they could not serve for a week. Most of the people claimed that they could not miss work, that they were too essential or that they would not get paid. I totally solved the problem! New Jersey has an unemployment rate of almost 9%. Let them serve jury duty! It's five dollars for the first day and then if the service is extended, the pay is $40.00. That's awesome for someone that doesn't have a job. It's not like you have to have special skills or education. No chance of getting caught on the lie of (ahem)knowing how to use PowerPoint. How about all those people collecting disability checks? If they can sit home and watch the Price is Right and other crappy daytime television shows, they can sit in a jury box. Granted, they may not be able to wear their Forever Lazy outfits but at least they won't have to get up and move around a lot. Well, they might have to tap into their cognitive skills, but they can just take an aspirin at night to cure the headache.



How about old people? Instead of clogging up the supermarkets on Senior Citizen Tuesdays...maybe the special old people bus can take them to the courts. They can even hang out and watch the trials if they don't get picked. Unfortunately, they might have to only serve one day trials as the next day they might not remember what happened beforehand. But then again, that might just work for a prosecutor. Plus, don't they live for this type of shit.



Speaking of prosecutors, did you know that having sexual relations with one can excuse you from jury duty? Yup! I don't recommend finding a prosecutor the day of a trial and luring him into the alley, then asking for a pass. However, if you happen to have jury duty and the judge asks if you recognize any of the attorneys or witnesses and one of the just happens to be someone you passed time with while in college...speak up! They won't ask for proof.



Don't ask me how I know.