Suit yourself

I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!

Bathing suit shopping HAS to be the most unpleasant and frustrating chore for me.

It used to be fun.  Of course that was before I bore kids when I was a size two and didn't mind flaunting myself in a two piece.  Those damn kids!  Well, I guess I have a little culpability too.  I mean, before kids I also went to the gym regularly and didn't finish other people's breakfast and dinner plates because I didn't want to waste the food.  I want to go back in time when I tried on a bathing suit in the dressing room and didn't break down in tears.   Speaking of dressing rooms..they should totally be sound proof.   I'm sure the other women were curious as to what kind of weirdo was muttering and cursing to herself  in the dressing room next door.   I'm surprised they didn't call security. 

There is also a relatively new trend (I'm talking maybe the past 15 years or so) that is just sooo annoying.  This is the  marketing approach of selling the top separately from the bottom.  WHY????  Ok, I totally get that it increases profit.  Instead of selling one 2 piece bathing suit for $30.00, they can sell the top for $20.00 and the bottom for $15.00, increasing their profit by $5.00.    That's a no brainer.   You know what, save me the fucking aggravation of walking around the store trying to find the god damn matching bottom and I'll pay the extra five dollars.   I swear to God, I spent a good 1/2 hour looking for a bottom to go with the top I picked out.  I know it does not have to matchy-match but I would like something at least similar!  I got so frustrated that I gave up and went to the one pieces.  I found a couple that I liked and grabbed my size.  I then notice the brand label and it reads "long torso!".  Fuck...I am the exact opposite of a long torso.  There were only three one pieces and not one of them was a normal, not long torso suit.  Back to the drawing board.

Here is the most frustrating issue I had to endure.  Albeit, this is not limited to bathing suits but has a much more severe impact when cramming your body into Lycra.  I would get to the dressing rooms with my size 6's.  I would try them on and it would be sooo freaking tight, I couldn't even pull it down past my belly.  How discouraging!!  How can my clothes be one size and bathing suits another?   I go back to the floor and pull out more sizes.   I go back to the dressing room, head down, shoulders slumped, like a walk of shame.  This time, however, I notice that the size posted on the plastic thingy on the hanger is NOT the same size as the label on the suit.  GeeeZus Christ!  No wonder why the suits are not fitting..I probably (and hopefully) got the wrong size.   But it just pisses me off because why can't the person who is in charge of hanging up the suits just match up the size with the hanger.   It should be easy...my daughter who is in pre-school can match!  

I walked out of that dressing room so aggravated and hopeless.   Will I ever find a suit that fits?  Will I ever even find a bottom that belongs to a top?  I was seriously hoping to run into a store manager because I really needed to vent.   He or she was going to get such an earful that I'm sure they would go home and tell their spouse how they had a heated discussion with a crazy lady. 

I'm starting to think these nudist colonies have the right idea.   Everyone looks horrible, they don't have to worry about hiding it, and nobody wants to look anyway.  Or I'm hoping that wetsuits will be the next fashion sensation.