I had all these blog post ideas about new revelations that currently piss me off. I started one, then I started another. Then I was chatting with a friend about one of these topics and during the conversation I said to her "What is this world coming to?" So, this post is a combination of the fucked up changes to our society.
All I have to say is (well, it's not really all I have to say or else this post would be really short) I'm kind of glad I was born when I was born, because I would not want to be growing up in today's world. Hopefully I'll die before it gets even worse.
My first gripe is about the kid's game tag. Yes, tag. Did you know that kids in school today are NOT allowed to play tag??? It's considered a game that is "not polite." Give me a friggin break.
Since when did politeness become a factor in a game? Is kickball polite? Is hide and seek polite? Think about it. It's one against the other and there is always someone who holds the power. Are the schools worried about the kids getting hurt while playing tag? If that's the argument, there should be a law that all kids have to be home schooled because EVERYTHING is a potential danger. A kid can trip over his shoelace in the hallway. Which do you eliminate, the shoe or the walking in the hallway? A kid can choke on his cream cheese sandwich (no peanut butter, that would be bad). So, what, no lunch?
I am afraid that the real reason behind this rule is that kids sometimes get upset when they "get out" or get tagged. I mean, isn't against the law now to hurt some one's feelings? Sometimes they phrase it as a hate crime. (Because you can't just disagree with some one's lifestyle without it being hateful, right? - by the way, that's in sarcastic font). Some poor kid will get out and instead of learning how to deal with it, or even learning that it is just a game and has no actual real effect on life, the school administrators would rather avoid the whole thing to begin with. God forbid the generation crybaby kids (see my earlier post Generation Crybaby for this reference) learn how to handle uncomfortable or undesirable situations. Which brings me to my next gripe:
How come people nowadays only use nonverbal devises to communicate? Especially if it's an uncomfortable conversation. It is such a cowardly form. I fear today's youth will not know how to properly communicate as adults. Consider texting. For one thing, most people test in acronyms or abbreviations. Lol (laugh out loud) Cul8tr (see you later), OMG (oh my gosh). This is like talking as though you're a license plate. Kids won't even know how to spell out or speak real phrases. Imagine one of these kids all grown up and in the work force. They are looking for a raise so instead of writing a nice letter or actually going into his/her boss's office to ask, they will instead text and write "I$+".
My other issue with nonverbal communication is that people nowadays don't just have the common courtesy to work things out. Even if it is with a friend or associate. My friend recently received a facebook message from a co-leader of her girl scout troop. The message requested that she (my friend) step down as co-leader. WTF? Something like this warrants a phone call. Don't be a fucking sissy and take the non-evasive way out. If you have an issue, call and solve it. Be a grown up! Apparently in this situation, there was a recent disagreement between the two leaders. Yeah, and??? People can't disagree anymore? This is what you do when you have a disagreement: You call the person, or see them in person. Then you say "I'm sorry but I didn't see it from your point of view and I'm sorry. I didn't intend to hurt your feelings. Now that you pointed it out to me, I can see if from your perspective and I apologize." Only do that if it's the truth and you mean it. However, if you think the other person is wrong, tell them. Actually speak the words that this is how you see it from your perspective. And explain yourself!!! I have learned that friends don't have to agree with each other as long as they respect each other. Air your differences and get over it! Don't start the argument with a text. Don't answer on stupid Facebook. Stop hiding behind devices.
Back in the olden days, before electronic communication, people actually had only two choices. They could air out their differences man to man or they could just walk away from each other. Ok, maybe letters were written, but it took so long to communicate that by the time the letters were received the issue was over with. People take advantage that they don't actually have to speak to one another. They won't call with an uncomfortable issue because they are afraid of the other person's reaction.
Being afraid of undesirable outcomes is no way to live life. Whether the event is getting out at tag or not confronting your family and friends. Just because the schools now teach children that the best result is to avoid the whole situation to begin with, does that mean it should apply to everything in life?
So, as I sit here, blasting my opinion via a blog, I have no fear in stating that if you don't like what I have to say: *** You can BIOYA B/C IMA BAMF. EOD!***
**ADBB! **
* See glossary for translation:
http://www.webopedia.com/quick_ref/textmessageabbreviations.asp
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
OMG!
Ok, I always kind of knew that there was something out there. Something that created us all and all that this world offers. I just wasn't sure if it was called God. Well, I have had an epiphany. I found God. I'm pretty sure he is a practical joker or he has a real sick sense of humor.
No offense God, but I think as the creator of the universe, you kind of messed up. Religious folks would say that he didn't mess up, but all the things that we (or I ) think is screwed up, actually is intentional and has its purpose. I think he's trying to drive us nuts.
If I were the creator of the universe, this is how it would be done:
1. I would make healthy food taste awesome and want to spit out junk food. Why is it that the foods that will clog our arteries or make our stomachs turn to mush taste soooo good? How come it pains (some of) us to eat things like cauliflower. Yich! What lesson is god teaching us here? If he could create anything and everything, he should have made sure that the people He CREATED take good care of themselves by eating properly. The only way to ensure that is by making healthy foods really desirable. I know some people will argue and say that they really, really like vegetables, etc. However, is a salad really that good without the dressing? BAM! There's goes the healthiness by pouring on the fatty dressing. Why are Doritos so friggin good and addicting? They do nothing for us with regard to nutrition. I realize that man created Doritos, not God...but God created the man who created the Doritos. There's culpability there.
3. I would have definitely made creating babies a lot harder. Not trying to be insensitive to those having a hard time getting pregnant. I mean it from the perspective of people having babies when they don't intend to. I think the process of making a baby should be more thought provoking and take more effort. One that's not enjoyable. Think of it this way. Making a baby requires having sex. People enjoy having sex. People have sex because they enjoy it but don't really want to make a baby in the process. I know there's prevention but it doesn't always work. The attempt to create a life should be something not so pleasurable, just so people really think twice about doing it. That way there is no accident. For instance, lets just say that in order for two people to make a baby, one has to remove the other's toenails and then pour alcohol on it. Fucking ouch, right? Now, wouldn't you think twice about doing that? Two 16 year old kids aren't going to go to the movies and then pull off each other's toenails in the back seat of the car afterwards. And two people who really, really want to start a family are going to make this sacrifice after truly discussing it and deciding that it's the right thing to do at the given time. This would eliminate several modern day problems: unwanted pregnancies, over population and the abortion debate.
4. And while we are on the topic of sex, God had it backwards. He made it so it was extremely easy for men to have orgasms and for most women it takes a bit of work. Hey, women are the ones who get stuck carrying the babies, ruining our figures, getting them out of our bodies and for the most part taking care of them once they are here. Why then, do the guys get most of the pleasure making them? Women should have sooo much easier to reach climax since we pay such a higher price of said act. Just sayin'.
5. I would create miracles every year or so. I mean real ones, not ones like "I won the lottery, it's a miracle" miracle. If I were God I would publicly announce myself to a large group. That way when it happens, it's not just one person saying that he spoke to God and everyone else thinking he was coo-coo. I would do it in the movie theater or at the Giants game. I would present myself somehow so people would be like "holy cow, he does exist!" No question. I'm the big shot here, let it be known.
6. Lastly, if I were God, I would have only created one religion. I mean, I realize he was trying to be multifaceted here. I understand that he wanted a variety of regions to have their own style of "Goding", but enough is enough. Tone it down. I'm not placing the value of one religion over the other, but wouldn't it be a kinder, albeit more boring, world if everyone just agreed in one religion. There wouldn't be extreme religions where it's acceptable to kill other people who don't believe in the same God as they do. People wouldn't whine about it not being fair that their workforce is closed for some religious holidays and not all. We would all get the same holidays off of work and all would be equal. I bet there would be a few less wars too.
There are few other minor things I would change too. Like outside creatures would not have access to the inside of homes. Mice, ants, stay the fuck out of my house. I don't trespass in your homes. I would split the world into four regions...winter, spring, summer and fall. That way, you pick the weather you like the best and you move into that region. No complaining in the winter that you hate the cold and no complaining in the summer that it's too hot. Just move to the place with the most desirable temperature.
My very very last modification would be the understanding of constructive criticism. I need to be assured that the real creator of this universe isn't getting pissed off at this post. Or else I may be in some serious trouble!
No offense God, but I think as the creator of the universe, you kind of messed up. Religious folks would say that he didn't mess up, but all the things that we (or I ) think is screwed up, actually is intentional and has its purpose. I think he's trying to drive us nuts.
If I were the creator of the universe, this is how it would be done:
1. I would make healthy food taste awesome and want to spit out junk food. Why is it that the foods that will clog our arteries or make our stomachs turn to mush taste soooo good? How come it pains (some of) us to eat things like cauliflower. Yich! What lesson is god teaching us here? If he could create anything and everything, he should have made sure that the people He CREATED take good care of themselves by eating properly. The only way to ensure that is by making healthy foods really desirable. I know some people will argue and say that they really, really like vegetables, etc. However, is a salad really that good without the dressing? BAM! There's goes the healthiness by pouring on the fatty dressing. Why are Doritos so friggin good and addicting? They do nothing for us with regard to nutrition. I realize that man created Doritos, not God...but God created the man who created the Doritos. There's culpability there.
2. God got a little cocky. He was like "OH, there's 7 days in a week and I can create the entire world in 6". Fuck that. That gloating and showoff-ness really came back to bite us in the ass. He should have either taken another day to complete his work or made the week longer and rested for more than one day. Imagine if in the Bible, God tells us that he worked so hard to get it done in one week that as a result he really needed two days of rest to recover. He made some mistakes that he would not have made if he didn't rush and thought it through. Or he should say that he regrets rushing to get it done in 6 days and he over-extended himself. Now we get one day as the Sabbath. Of course, depending on which religion you are, the Sabbath, or day of rest is Saturday or Sunday. If God just said "Hey everyone, learn from my mistake. Don't work sooo hard and cram everything in." we might have two days of rest and perhaps a 4 day work week. We all know that Saturdays and Sundays are not both days of rest. One day is a "get all your shit done so you can be a couch potato the next day" day. Or, if you are a full time working mother, both days are "ok, I have all this shit to do that I can't do during the week because I'm at work" days. So, thanks a lot God. Everyone thinks I'M the slacker because you can create the universe in 6 days, but in seven days I can't even manage to clean my house, put the laundry away, take kids to dance lessons and cook 21 meals (3 squares a day).
3. I would have definitely made creating babies a lot harder. Not trying to be insensitive to those having a hard time getting pregnant. I mean it from the perspective of people having babies when they don't intend to. I think the process of making a baby should be more thought provoking and take more effort. One that's not enjoyable. Think of it this way. Making a baby requires having sex. People enjoy having sex. People have sex because they enjoy it but don't really want to make a baby in the process. I know there's prevention but it doesn't always work. The attempt to create a life should be something not so pleasurable, just so people really think twice about doing it. That way there is no accident. For instance, lets just say that in order for two people to make a baby, one has to remove the other's toenails and then pour alcohol on it. Fucking ouch, right? Now, wouldn't you think twice about doing that? Two 16 year old kids aren't going to go to the movies and then pull off each other's toenails in the back seat of the car afterwards. And two people who really, really want to start a family are going to make this sacrifice after truly discussing it and deciding that it's the right thing to do at the given time. This would eliminate several modern day problems: unwanted pregnancies, over population and the abortion debate.
4. And while we are on the topic of sex, God had it backwards. He made it so it was extremely easy for men to have orgasms and for most women it takes a bit of work. Hey, women are the ones who get stuck carrying the babies, ruining our figures, getting them out of our bodies and for the most part taking care of them once they are here. Why then, do the guys get most of the pleasure making them? Women should have sooo much easier to reach climax since we pay such a higher price of said act. Just sayin'.
5. I would create miracles every year or so. I mean real ones, not ones like "I won the lottery, it's a miracle" miracle. If I were God I would publicly announce myself to a large group. That way when it happens, it's not just one person saying that he spoke to God and everyone else thinking he was coo-coo. I would do it in the movie theater or at the Giants game. I would present myself somehow so people would be like "holy cow, he does exist!" No question. I'm the big shot here, let it be known.
6. Lastly, if I were God, I would have only created one religion. I mean, I realize he was trying to be multifaceted here. I understand that he wanted a variety of regions to have their own style of "Goding", but enough is enough. Tone it down. I'm not placing the value of one religion over the other, but wouldn't it be a kinder, albeit more boring, world if everyone just agreed in one religion. There wouldn't be extreme religions where it's acceptable to kill other people who don't believe in the same God as they do. People wouldn't whine about it not being fair that their workforce is closed for some religious holidays and not all. We would all get the same holidays off of work and all would be equal. I bet there would be a few less wars too.
There are few other minor things I would change too. Like outside creatures would not have access to the inside of homes. Mice, ants, stay the fuck out of my house. I don't trespass in your homes. I would split the world into four regions...winter, spring, summer and fall. That way, you pick the weather you like the best and you move into that region. No complaining in the winter that you hate the cold and no complaining in the summer that it's too hot. Just move to the place with the most desirable temperature.
My very very last modification would be the understanding of constructive criticism. I need to be assured that the real creator of this universe isn't getting pissed off at this post. Or else I may be in some serious trouble!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Jury Doodie
I recently had the (un)pleasure of being called for jury duty. I realize it's the least I could do for my country - besides paying taxes to live here and recycling - and I certainly enjoyed the day off from work, but jury doodie really stinks!
Of course I think the system is incredibly flawed. Their first mistake? Making me pay to return my questionnaire. They send you the form in the mail requesting your presence at the court house. However, beforehand you must complete the attached form and return it via mail. Whattt?? I get the bad news that I have to go and then they make me pay 45 cents for it!!!! That's fucked up, man. As a courtesy, they should at least provide one of those postage free envelopes.
The next problem? They didn't even check my identification! If I had known that they would not check to see if the real Stacey showed up I could have bribed someone to go in my place and did something fun instead. I had the excused absence from work, with documentation. That never happens. I usually have to invent a sick kid or get one of those online doctor's notes.
Then came the excuses! Everyone had an issue on why they could not serve for a week. Most of the people claimed that they could not miss work, that they were too essential or that they would not get paid. I totally solved the problem! New Jersey has an unemployment rate of almost 9%. Let them serve jury duty! It's five dollars for the first day and then if the service is extended, the pay is $40.00. That's awesome for someone that doesn't have a job. It's not like you have to have special skills or education. No chance of getting caught on the lie of (ahem)knowing how to use PowerPoint. How about all those people collecting disability checks? If they can sit home and watch the Price is Right and other crappy daytime television shows, they can sit in a jury box. Granted, they may not be able to wear their Forever Lazy outfits but at least they won't have to get up and move around a lot. Well, they might have to tap into their cognitive skills, but they can just take an aspirin at night to cure the headache.
How about old people? Instead of clogging up the supermarkets on Senior Citizen Tuesdays...maybe the special old people bus can take them to the courts. They can even hang out and watch the trials if they don't get picked. Unfortunately, they might have to only serve one day trials as the next day they might not remember what happened beforehand. But then again, that might just work for a prosecutor. Plus, don't they live for this type of shit.
Speaking of prosecutors, did you know that having sexual relations with one can excuse you from jury duty? Yup! I don't recommend finding a prosecutor the day of a trial and luring him into the alley, then asking for a pass. However, if you happen to have jury duty and the judge asks if you recognize any of the attorneys or witnesses and one of the just happens to be someone you passed time with while in college...speak up! They won't ask for proof.
Don't ask me how I know.
Of course I think the system is incredibly flawed. Their first mistake? Making me pay to return my questionnaire. They send you the form in the mail requesting your presence at the court house. However, beforehand you must complete the attached form and return it via mail. Whattt?? I get the bad news that I have to go and then they make me pay 45 cents for it!!!! That's fucked up, man. As a courtesy, they should at least provide one of those postage free envelopes.
The next problem? They didn't even check my identification! If I had known that they would not check to see if the real Stacey showed up I could have bribed someone to go in my place and did something fun instead. I had the excused absence from work, with documentation. That never happens. I usually have to invent a sick kid or get one of those online doctor's notes.
Then came the excuses! Everyone had an issue on why they could not serve for a week. Most of the people claimed that they could not miss work, that they were too essential or that they would not get paid. I totally solved the problem! New Jersey has an unemployment rate of almost 9%. Let them serve jury duty! It's five dollars for the first day and then if the service is extended, the pay is $40.00. That's awesome for someone that doesn't have a job. It's not like you have to have special skills or education. No chance of getting caught on the lie of (ahem)knowing how to use PowerPoint. How about all those people collecting disability checks? If they can sit home and watch the Price is Right and other crappy daytime television shows, they can sit in a jury box. Granted, they may not be able to wear their Forever Lazy outfits but at least they won't have to get up and move around a lot. Well, they might have to tap into their cognitive skills, but they can just take an aspirin at night to cure the headache.
How about old people? Instead of clogging up the supermarkets on Senior Citizen Tuesdays...maybe the special old people bus can take them to the courts. They can even hang out and watch the trials if they don't get picked. Unfortunately, they might have to only serve one day trials as the next day they might not remember what happened beforehand. But then again, that might just work for a prosecutor. Plus, don't they live for this type of shit.
Speaking of prosecutors, did you know that having sexual relations with one can excuse you from jury duty? Yup! I don't recommend finding a prosecutor the day of a trial and luring him into the alley, then asking for a pass. However, if you happen to have jury duty and the judge asks if you recognize any of the attorneys or witnesses and one of the just happens to be someone you passed time with while in college...speak up! They won't ask for proof.
Don't ask me how I know.
Friday, February 10, 2012
And I (e-yiiiii) will always love you.
Recently, a pop star singer turned bad actress passed away. Her name is Whitney Houston. She was an adorable young woman who, in the 80's or 90's ( I can't remember and don't care enough to even google it) had a bunch of bubblegum pop songs. I thought the songs were good, they were catchy. Now I get to hum along with them in the elevators.
Her death was unexpected. Well, if you are in denial about some one's excessive drug use, I guess you can say it was unexpected. What I'm trying to say is that she wasn't old and as far as the public knew she wasn't ill. It is speculated (at the point that I am writing this) that she combined prescribed medications and abused them. The wrong cocktail of drugs (legal & illegal) and alcohol put her over the edge.
Anyway, the purpose of this post is really about the funeral. Not so much about her throwing her life away. There is a whole lot of discussion about her funeral. The family wants to have a private funeral. Some of her fans want to attend as well and are a bit annoyed. Really? Are you fucking kidding me? Don't the fans have anything better to do on a Saturday morning? It's nearing the end of February. Go get your taxes done or something.
I can understand being shocked and upset that someone you admired, even from a distance passed away. Kind of like when Chris Farley died. I was like "holy shit, I never thought this day would come." I didn't know him, I didn't know anyone related to him. I just thought he was a really funny guy! He entertained me! I didn't expect him to go so soon. Did I cry? No. Did I send his family a greeting card? No. But a piece of me was really disappointed that he would never make me laugh again.
There are actually people freaking out because as FANS they feel entitled to go to the funeral and pay their respects. I think this is ridiculous. I would like someone to explain to me why a fan is justified in attending a funeral. You may not realize it but if you scroll down there is a section for comments. Go ahead, tell me why I'm wrong. On a talk radio station, a caller said that once she became famous she was not a private citizen anymore. She was a public figure and her fans are her public family. He's on crack! Just because she had a talent and used that talent to earn a living, it does not make her lose her private citizen status. She's a god damn saleswoman! You buy her records, maybe pay for a concert ticket or even pay to watch a movie she was in. That does not mean you know her or that she belongs to you. You supported her life style, but she and her family owe you nothing.
Have a little respect for the family. A mother lost her child. A child just lost her mother. Let them grieve among themselves. It's bad enough that her death is blown all over the media filled with negative comments and speculations. Why as a fan would you even want to go? You're not paying your respect to Whitney. She's dead..and she didn't know you anyway! You pay the respect to the family who lost a loved one. They don't really care about you because they never met you and even worse, now you won't be buying anymore of Whitney's stuff. Because she dead. So the family has decided they want a private funeral. Want to show your respect? Stay home and play her cd.
........and if you even start with "well, the taxpayers are paying for the security outside the funeral. So as taxpayers, we should be able to go..." I will fucking go ape shit!!! If the fans would just stay the hell home and shut up, they wouldn't need security.
as a side note....why was the location of the funeral even made public to begin with???? That's rhetorical. No need to answer in my unused comments section.
Her death was unexpected. Well, if you are in denial about some one's excessive drug use, I guess you can say it was unexpected. What I'm trying to say is that she wasn't old and as far as the public knew she wasn't ill. It is speculated (at the point that I am writing this) that she combined prescribed medications and abused them. The wrong cocktail of drugs (legal & illegal) and alcohol put her over the edge.
Anyway, the purpose of this post is really about the funeral. Not so much about her throwing her life away. There is a whole lot of discussion about her funeral. The family wants to have a private funeral. Some of her fans want to attend as well and are a bit annoyed. Really? Are you fucking kidding me? Don't the fans have anything better to do on a Saturday morning? It's nearing the end of February. Go get your taxes done or something.
I can understand being shocked and upset that someone you admired, even from a distance passed away. Kind of like when Chris Farley died. I was like "holy shit, I never thought this day would come." I didn't know him, I didn't know anyone related to him. I just thought he was a really funny guy! He entertained me! I didn't expect him to go so soon. Did I cry? No. Did I send his family a greeting card? No. But a piece of me was really disappointed that he would never make me laugh again.
There are actually people freaking out because as FANS they feel entitled to go to the funeral and pay their respects. I think this is ridiculous. I would like someone to explain to me why a fan is justified in attending a funeral. You may not realize it but if you scroll down there is a section for comments. Go ahead, tell me why I'm wrong. On a talk radio station, a caller said that once she became famous she was not a private citizen anymore. She was a public figure and her fans are her public family. He's on crack! Just because she had a talent and used that talent to earn a living, it does not make her lose her private citizen status. She's a god damn saleswoman! You buy her records, maybe pay for a concert ticket or even pay to watch a movie she was in. That does not mean you know her or that she belongs to you. You supported her life style, but she and her family owe you nothing.
Have a little respect for the family. A mother lost her child. A child just lost her mother. Let them grieve among themselves. It's bad enough that her death is blown all over the media filled with negative comments and speculations. Why as a fan would you even want to go? You're not paying your respect to Whitney. She's dead..and she didn't know you anyway! You pay the respect to the family who lost a loved one. They don't really care about you because they never met you and even worse, now you won't be buying anymore of Whitney's stuff. Because she dead. So the family has decided they want a private funeral. Want to show your respect? Stay home and play her cd.
........and if you even start with "well, the taxpayers are paying for the security outside the funeral. So as taxpayers, we should be able to go..." I will fucking go ape shit!!! If the fans would just stay the hell home and shut up, they wouldn't need security.
as a side note....why was the location of the funeral even made public to begin with???? That's rhetorical. No need to answer in my unused comments section.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Pants on Fire!
LIAR LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!!! Soon, my kids, when they have that "aha" moment will be singing this to me until I am on my death bed. Even then they will probably say, "go in peace, you friggin liar."
I lie to my kids ALL - THE - TIME! I know it's bad parenting, but it's really most convenient to me and it usually is in the best interest for my kids. I don't think my lie telling is harmful to my kids. It's not like I'm lying about who their real father is or about taking money from their 529 accounts. The lies I tell usually revolve around incidents I prefer to avoid. Whether it's health (mental or physical health) or monetary or another purpose, the lie probably won't negatively effect their livelihood and actually, most likely will improve their lives.
Here are some examples of my parenting via anti-truth telling:
1. Chucky Cheese is an invitation only venue. I took the kids once to Chucky Cheese. That's all I needed to form my opinion and ban the place for life. I took two kids by myself. First of all, I thought I was going to have a seizure from all the noise from the people and games, the poor lighting and the flashing from the electronic games. Instant headache. Then, my kids ran off in two different directions. It was impossible to watch both at the same time. Yeah, ok, they have a system in place so the kids can't leave the building by themselves. But is there a system in place to monitor the pervs lurking over my kid, or the older, bigger bully kid bothering my kid? NOPE. Therefore, I must be a shadow. My kids however, quite enjoyed their 20 minutes of Chucky Cheese (I bribed them with the reward of McDonalds for them to leave.) Now, each time we pass Chucky Cheese they ask to go. Do I want to explain to them about all my issues about the big Cheese? NO. Do I want to be the mean mommy who says "no" every time they ask. NO. So my solution was to tell them that the rules changed and now you can only step foot into a Chucky Cheese if you are invited for a birthday party. They seem to understand and accept this and I don't come off as Mommy Dearest.
2. They are allergic to certain foods. Not really. My kids are not allergic to anything. Thank goodness. But they do have a friend who is severely allergic to peanuts and other foods. They understand that if she eats it, she could get very sick or even die. Yes, they understand death. There are certain foods I don't want my kids to eat / drink either forever or until they reach a certain age. These include soda, popcorn and gum. Soda is forever, popcorn has an age requirement and gum I am striving for forever but will give in at a certain age.
They are allergic to soda because I just don't want them drinking it. There are so many better options and if they are without my supervision at a friend's house or party, I would prefer them to not drink it.
They are allergic to gum because I think it's a bad habit. Not only that, but I don't need them chewing gum in the car and then choking on it when I slam on my brakes or something. I also would like to avoid having to get it out of their hair.
They are allergic to popcorn until they are 5 years old. Popcorn is the only food that expands when eating. I have heard of too many horror stories abouts kids choking and dieing from popcorn. I know, I know, kids can choke on any food. But popcorn is a great risk. Plus, even as an adult, when you get a casing stuck in your throat, it's so damn hard to get it loose by clearing your throat. You know what I'm talking about. For a kid it's a lot harder to make that motion.
That was my public service announcement. Back to regular scheduled programing.
3. "You had that before and liked it". Often I will make something new for dinner or introduce a new vegetable. Automatically my kids sing out that they don't like it, even without trying it. It's so annoying. I then reply "The last time you ate this you loved it and asked me to make it again." To be honest, this is getting old and they are getting to the age where they remember what they told me. However, it never hurts to try. If I can be convincing enough, using my acting skills, I can atleast get them to taste it again. Then they can decide whether they like it or not.
4. The battery died. All those toys with noises drive me insane. I just want to watch my show, god damn it. Stop making so much noise. Most of these toys have had the batteries removed. They can play with it just fine without the blinking lights that will cause A.D.D. and the annoying music or beeps. When my kids go to play with it with all the functions, they ask for my help when it does not work properly. I say "oh well the battery died." Nowadays, the battery is kept behind an enclosure that requires a screwdriver. Yes, double threat. Mommies don't use screwdrivers, so when daddy gets home, ask him to change the battery for you. By that time, I have already hid the toy under a pile of stuffed animals and all is forgotten.
There are other subtle lies / tricks that I use for parenting. For instance, all the digital clocks in my house are like ten minutes fast. That way I can tell tell my kids that it's bedtime before the actual time. Or I can point out how wonderful I am by showing them the time and saying "Look, I let you stay up late." Another trick is the "placebo method". My kids will occasionally delay going to sleep with complaints of ailments. No worries, when my instinct tells me it's the truth, I come into action. But most of the time I know it's a plot. So I tell them that I will give them medicine. I give them water in one of those clear, plastic medicine cups. Sometimes I will even put the tiniest bit, and I mean tiny, of medicine just to add coloring or flavor. Miraculously, after getting the medicine, they feel fine.
You may think I'm a rotten mother for tricking my kids. You know what? I may just be...but I have a challenge for you. Try to define what a good mother is. I'll give you time to think.
You can't answer because there is no answer. Do I avoid taking my kids to a gross indoor amusement place where I can't supervise them? Should I permit or encourage them to eat foods that are not good for them? Do I do what I can to get them to actually eat the healthy stuff. SURE! So, if getting the desired results requires a little alteration of the truth and a little trickery, I would say to go get some water to put that fire out on my pants and my nose is going to be really big by the time my kids are teens. It works for me.
I lie to my kids ALL - THE - TIME! I know it's bad parenting, but it's really most convenient to me and it usually is in the best interest for my kids. I don't think my lie telling is harmful to my kids. It's not like I'm lying about who their real father is or about taking money from their 529 accounts. The lies I tell usually revolve around incidents I prefer to avoid. Whether it's health (mental or physical health) or monetary or another purpose, the lie probably won't negatively effect their livelihood and actually, most likely will improve their lives.
Here are some examples of my parenting via anti-truth telling:
1. Chucky Cheese is an invitation only venue. I took the kids once to Chucky Cheese. That's all I needed to form my opinion and ban the place for life. I took two kids by myself. First of all, I thought I was going to have a seizure from all the noise from the people and games, the poor lighting and the flashing from the electronic games. Instant headache. Then, my kids ran off in two different directions. It was impossible to watch both at the same time. Yeah, ok, they have a system in place so the kids can't leave the building by themselves. But is there a system in place to monitor the pervs lurking over my kid, or the older, bigger bully kid bothering my kid? NOPE. Therefore, I must be a shadow. My kids however, quite enjoyed their 20 minutes of Chucky Cheese (I bribed them with the reward of McDonalds for them to leave.) Now, each time we pass Chucky Cheese they ask to go. Do I want to explain to them about all my issues about the big Cheese? NO. Do I want to be the mean mommy who says "no" every time they ask. NO. So my solution was to tell them that the rules changed and now you can only step foot into a Chucky Cheese if you are invited for a birthday party. They seem to understand and accept this and I don't come off as Mommy Dearest.
2. They are allergic to certain foods. Not really. My kids are not allergic to anything. Thank goodness. But they do have a friend who is severely allergic to peanuts and other foods. They understand that if she eats it, she could get very sick or even die. Yes, they understand death. There are certain foods I don't want my kids to eat / drink either forever or until they reach a certain age. These include soda, popcorn and gum. Soda is forever, popcorn has an age requirement and gum I am striving for forever but will give in at a certain age.
They are allergic to soda because I just don't want them drinking it. There are so many better options and if they are without my supervision at a friend's house or party, I would prefer them to not drink it.
They are allergic to gum because I think it's a bad habit. Not only that, but I don't need them chewing gum in the car and then choking on it when I slam on my brakes or something. I also would like to avoid having to get it out of their hair.
They are allergic to popcorn until they are 5 years old. Popcorn is the only food that expands when eating. I have heard of too many horror stories abouts kids choking and dieing from popcorn. I know, I know, kids can choke on any food. But popcorn is a great risk. Plus, even as an adult, when you get a casing stuck in your throat, it's so damn hard to get it loose by clearing your throat. You know what I'm talking about. For a kid it's a lot harder to make that motion.
That was my public service announcement. Back to regular scheduled programing.
3. "You had that before and liked it". Often I will make something new for dinner or introduce a new vegetable. Automatically my kids sing out that they don't like it, even without trying it. It's so annoying. I then reply "The last time you ate this you loved it and asked me to make it again." To be honest, this is getting old and they are getting to the age where they remember what they told me. However, it never hurts to try. If I can be convincing enough, using my acting skills, I can atleast get them to taste it again. Then they can decide whether they like it or not.
4. The battery died. All those toys with noises drive me insane. I just want to watch my show, god damn it. Stop making so much noise. Most of these toys have had the batteries removed. They can play with it just fine without the blinking lights that will cause A.D.D. and the annoying music or beeps. When my kids go to play with it with all the functions, they ask for my help when it does not work properly. I say "oh well the battery died." Nowadays, the battery is kept behind an enclosure that requires a screwdriver. Yes, double threat. Mommies don't use screwdrivers, so when daddy gets home, ask him to change the battery for you. By that time, I have already hid the toy under a pile of stuffed animals and all is forgotten.
There are other subtle lies / tricks that I use for parenting. For instance, all the digital clocks in my house are like ten minutes fast. That way I can tell tell my kids that it's bedtime before the actual time. Or I can point out how wonderful I am by showing them the time and saying "Look, I let you stay up late." Another trick is the "placebo method". My kids will occasionally delay going to sleep with complaints of ailments. No worries, when my instinct tells me it's the truth, I come into action. But most of the time I know it's a plot. So I tell them that I will give them medicine. I give them water in one of those clear, plastic medicine cups. Sometimes I will even put the tiniest bit, and I mean tiny, of medicine just to add coloring or flavor. Miraculously, after getting the medicine, they feel fine.
You may think I'm a rotten mother for tricking my kids. You know what? I may just be...but I have a challenge for you. Try to define what a good mother is. I'll give you time to think.
You can't answer because there is no answer. Do I avoid taking my kids to a gross indoor amusement place where I can't supervise them? Should I permit or encourage them to eat foods that are not good for them? Do I do what I can to get them to actually eat the healthy stuff. SURE! So, if getting the desired results requires a little alteration of the truth and a little trickery, I would say to go get some water to put that fire out on my pants and my nose is going to be really big by the time my kids are teens. It works for me.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Big Screen
Recently I went to the movies with my daughter. We went on a weekday when there was no school. The movie had been out for a few weeks already so I didn't think it would be too busy. Plus, only a few local towns had no school this day. But as it was approaching an hour before start time I started to feel it. That uncomfortable, itchiness, I gotta get there feeling (very similar to the one I get when I have to be at the airport on time.)
I SUFFER FROM MOVIES ANXIETY!!!
I can't help it. I get anxious about getting there and finding a seat. It's not too often that I will go to a movie when it's first released. I rarely go to the movies anymore but when I do go, I usually have to wait until it's been out for two weeks anyway, because I buy discounted tickets and that's the stipulation. So, even though most of the world has seen the movie, I get nervous that the theater will be so crowded that I will get stuck in the first row. I once sat in the front row and it was awful. I had a headache from the blurred vision and my neck was sore from tilting it upward. I don't even know why they even have the front two rows. They should just eliminate them and have less seats. I'm not stupid, I understand it's revenue. But if the customers are going to be unhappy, why bother?
So, I make sure I am at the theater at least a half an hour before the start time. I understand that I will sit through all the commercials, plus all the previews add another 20 minutes. I don't care, I have my seat. I like to sit next to the wall. I honestly have no problem sitting next to a stranger, but being next to wall means that no one will do the tuck in the ass squeeze past me during the film. While I'm on the topic, why do people always leave a seat between them and the unknown person in their row. It should be a rule that you have to sit in the first available seat in that row. That way you don't have a group of movie goers looking for seats together. Have you ever gone to the movies and within one row there are two empty seats but they are not next to each other? Then it turns out that if two people just slide over by one chair and (gasp) sit next to a stranger, then you and your movie partner could actually sit together! It drives me bananas!
When I last went to the movies, there was a mother, father and daughter looking for seats together. In one row, there were two available seats. At the very end seat was a pile of coats. Really? The coats need a seat? Did the coats pay friggin $11.00 for the two hour movie? Then, when the mother asked the coat owner to move the coats so that her family could sit together, the coat owner got annoyed! If I didn't value my teeth, I would have butted in and said something, like she was being a jack ass.
Just a bit of trivia here: remember I mentioned the tuck in your ass move while passing the row of occupied seats? Well, it is actually proper etiquette to FACE the person when squeezing past. That way your ass isn't in their face. I know what your thinking, then your "junk" is in face-level with someone. That's what I thought, but don't blame the messenger. Blame Emily Post. Actually, I kind of get it. If you are facing the person sitting, then you can give eye contact, say excuse me and you can gauge how much room you have between you and them. If your back is to them, you have no idea how far your butt is sticking out and exactly how close it is to their face.
My anxiety does does not stop at the urge to get a good seat. I very rarely buy from the concession stand. Popcorn is $6.00!! As that's for a small!!! It's fucking insane and almost like robbery except there is no weapon used to make you fork over your money. I usually don't eat in the theater but when I take my kids, I'll bring some Cheeze-Its or Goldfish and bottles of water and juice boxes. Of course I go with my big hobo bag but I am so paranoid that I will get caught! In order to avoid getting caught, I will stick my passes / tickets and money in my pocket. That way, I don't need to open my purse and the potential of the cashier accidentally seeing my stash is eliminated! Pretty savvy, huh?
Between the drive there (I get anxious just going because I am anticipating getting caught in a line, thus missing the opportunity for premier seating), waiting on line, being paranoid about getting caught with my snacks and then walking that loong hallway from the ticket taker to the actual theater....I'm a mess! An enjoyable outing becomes a panic attic.
I went to discuss this with a psychiatrist. She signed me up for Netflix. With the money I saved on my co-pay, I think I'll buy a large popcorn if I ever make it to another movie.
I SUFFER FROM MOVIES ANXIETY!!!
I can't help it. I get anxious about getting there and finding a seat. It's not too often that I will go to a movie when it's first released. I rarely go to the movies anymore but when I do go, I usually have to wait until it's been out for two weeks anyway, because I buy discounted tickets and that's the stipulation. So, even though most of the world has seen the movie, I get nervous that the theater will be so crowded that I will get stuck in the first row. I once sat in the front row and it was awful. I had a headache from the blurred vision and my neck was sore from tilting it upward. I don't even know why they even have the front two rows. They should just eliminate them and have less seats. I'm not stupid, I understand it's revenue. But if the customers are going to be unhappy, why bother?
So, I make sure I am at the theater at least a half an hour before the start time. I understand that I will sit through all the commercials, plus all the previews add another 20 minutes. I don't care, I have my seat. I like to sit next to the wall. I honestly have no problem sitting next to a stranger, but being next to wall means that no one will do the tuck in the ass squeeze past me during the film. While I'm on the topic, why do people always leave a seat between them and the unknown person in their row. It should be a rule that you have to sit in the first available seat in that row. That way you don't have a group of movie goers looking for seats together. Have you ever gone to the movies and within one row there are two empty seats but they are not next to each other? Then it turns out that if two people just slide over by one chair and (gasp) sit next to a stranger, then you and your movie partner could actually sit together! It drives me bananas!
When I last went to the movies, there was a mother, father and daughter looking for seats together. In one row, there were two available seats. At the very end seat was a pile of coats. Really? The coats need a seat? Did the coats pay friggin $11.00 for the two hour movie? Then, when the mother asked the coat owner to move the coats so that her family could sit together, the coat owner got annoyed! If I didn't value my teeth, I would have butted in and said something, like she was being a jack ass.
Just a bit of trivia here: remember I mentioned the tuck in your ass move while passing the row of occupied seats? Well, it is actually proper etiquette to FACE the person when squeezing past. That way your ass isn't in their face. I know what your thinking, then your "junk" is in face-level with someone. That's what I thought, but don't blame the messenger. Blame Emily Post. Actually, I kind of get it. If you are facing the person sitting, then you can give eye contact, say excuse me and you can gauge how much room you have between you and them. If your back is to them, you have no idea how far your butt is sticking out and exactly how close it is to their face.
My anxiety does does not stop at the urge to get a good seat. I very rarely buy from the concession stand. Popcorn is $6.00!! As that's for a small!!! It's fucking insane and almost like robbery except there is no weapon used to make you fork over your money. I usually don't eat in the theater but when I take my kids, I'll bring some Cheeze-Its or Goldfish and bottles of water and juice boxes. Of course I go with my big hobo bag but I am so paranoid that I will get caught! In order to avoid getting caught, I will stick my passes / tickets and money in my pocket. That way, I don't need to open my purse and the potential of the cashier accidentally seeing my stash is eliminated! Pretty savvy, huh?
Between the drive there (I get anxious just going because I am anticipating getting caught in a line, thus missing the opportunity for premier seating), waiting on line, being paranoid about getting caught with my snacks and then walking that loong hallway from the ticket taker to the actual theater....I'm a mess! An enjoyable outing becomes a panic attic.
I went to discuss this with a psychiatrist. She signed me up for Netflix. With the money I saved on my co-pay, I think I'll buy a large popcorn if I ever make it to another movie.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Buyers Beware
I think that *Shoprite is actually a stakeout location for employees of Child Protective Services to find potential child beaters. Seriously. If not, it would really be a good place to investigate.
*(Shoprite can be substituted with any other grocery store.)
Whenever I go there with my children, I feel like all eyes are on me. My kids are generally pretty well behaved. But you know how in between the music played over the speakers, there are subliminal messages to buy crap you don't want to? Well, I think hidden in the music / messages are instructions to my kids to act out and drive me crazy.
It all starts with the shopping cart. They always want me to use the one with the car in front. For those who are not familiar, it's a regular shopping cart, but attached to the front is a plastic car that the kids can sit in. My kids are 4 1/2 and 7. Waaay to old for this crap. This cart, though fun in design, was not actually built for narrow aisles and smooth navigation. It should be easy to just say "no, we are not getting one" but then it sets the whole tone for the shopping adventure. They are whiney from the start. With a standard shopping cart, one has to walk and one can sit in the cart. Amazingly, even if I get a regular cart, the 7 year old still wants to sit in it. Let the fighting begin! Back to the car cart...it weighs a ton and is hard to push. It's even harder to turn corners. Never have I used this particular shopping cart and NOT knocked over a display. Just the fact of losing the debate of whether or not to utilize the car cart starts the patience meter. (That's the internal gauge of "losing one's temper." The patience gauge starts on full but like a car in traffic, the level seeps below safe levels. Proceed with caution.)
Another cart issue is that if they are not in it, they want to stand on the side bar and hang on it. "No, no, no, no, no" I plead. "You can crack you're head open!" We even know somebody who actually cracked her head open doing this and they still fight me. Maybe I should have shown them photos. My older daughter just does not know how to follow along with a cart. She is either slow poking in front of it and I run over her heels, or she is slow poking behind me and gets lost in the crowd. I just can't win.
To be honest, my kids are pretty good with the "I wants." Not boasting or anything, but they really are not the type to say that they want everything in the store. However, what they do want is to put the stuff into the cart. One would think that it's no big deal until they try and throw a carton of milk on top of a carton of eggs. Or, they grab the jar of whatever out my hands and not so delicately plop it down in the cart. I cringe and pray that nothing broke. I don't need the call of shame over the loudspeaker. The younger one just likes to take stuff off the shelves and put it in my cart. When I say we don't need it, she protests that we do. Then I will ask her what it is, you know, to quiz her to see if we actually need the item. When she answers that she doesn't know, I retort in a nanni, nanni, poo, poo tone with "then what makes you think we need it if you don't even know what it is?" YES! VICTORY OVER FOUR YEAR OLD!
At this point, putting shit that I don't want back on to the shelves has made my patience meter drop. At least to half way. This is the time where I say to my children in a not so loud voice, but in a stern way with crazy eyes, "Do I have to be the crazy, yelling mom in the store? Please don't make me become the crazy, yelling mom in the store." They pinky promise that they will behave. But by the next aisle they have forgotten their promise. Also, this is the point where I start getting paranoid. I start wondering if social workers from DYFS are behind the two way mirrors. I am pretty convinced that over the loud speakers I am going to get scolded by a person of authority. Can they see my face? Can they tell by the look in my eyes that I'm imagining beating my kids? (To all of my readers, don't go all berserk calling DYFS on me because of my blog. I don't actually beat my kids. Sometimes it's a fantasy, but really, that's about it.)
My solution to this problem, and to avoid having my kids actually taken away from me is for the grocery stores to have baby sitting. Why not? The gyms have it! At the gym, the policy is that if your kid is crying for more than 10 minutes, they come get you and you get your kid back. If that happens at the grocery store, they can just call your name over the loudspeaker and publicly humiliate you at the same time. Also, the grocery store has everything one would need to run an efficient baby sitting center. They can set it up in the warehouse part, I know they have the room. Snacks, Check! Toys? Sure, get a large bundle of paper towels and the kids can make towers and knock them down, Check! Nap? Many grocery stores carry dog beds...perfect!!! (Another check). Speaking of dogs, kids can also play with the doggie toys they sell. My local grocery store also sells dvds, tv's and cd's. Entertainment is at the edge of their fingertips.
This plan is flawless! It's genius! I thought that the system could work like the shopping cart procedure. You stick a quarter in and when you put your shopping cart away (as opposed to leaving it in the middle of the lot) you get your quarter back. You drop off your kid and get your cart, and when you return your cart you get your kid back. I have a feeling the parking lot would be full of abandoned carts.
*(Shoprite can be substituted with any other grocery store.)
Whenever I go there with my children, I feel like all eyes are on me. My kids are generally pretty well behaved. But you know how in between the music played over the speakers, there are subliminal messages to buy crap you don't want to? Well, I think hidden in the music / messages are instructions to my kids to act out and drive me crazy.
It all starts with the shopping cart. They always want me to use the one with the car in front. For those who are not familiar, it's a regular shopping cart, but attached to the front is a plastic car that the kids can sit in. My kids are 4 1/2 and 7. Waaay to old for this crap. This cart, though fun in design, was not actually built for narrow aisles and smooth navigation. It should be easy to just say "no, we are not getting one" but then it sets the whole tone for the shopping adventure. They are whiney from the start. With a standard shopping cart, one has to walk and one can sit in the cart. Amazingly, even if I get a regular cart, the 7 year old still wants to sit in it. Let the fighting begin! Back to the car cart...it weighs a ton and is hard to push. It's even harder to turn corners. Never have I used this particular shopping cart and NOT knocked over a display. Just the fact of losing the debate of whether or not to utilize the car cart starts the patience meter. (That's the internal gauge of "losing one's temper." The patience gauge starts on full but like a car in traffic, the level seeps below safe levels. Proceed with caution.)
Another cart issue is that if they are not in it, they want to stand on the side bar and hang on it. "No, no, no, no, no" I plead. "You can crack you're head open!" We even know somebody who actually cracked her head open doing this and they still fight me. Maybe I should have shown them photos. My older daughter just does not know how to follow along with a cart. She is either slow poking in front of it and I run over her heels, or she is slow poking behind me and gets lost in the crowd. I just can't win.
To be honest, my kids are pretty good with the "I wants." Not boasting or anything, but they really are not the type to say that they want everything in the store. However, what they do want is to put the stuff into the cart. One would think that it's no big deal until they try and throw a carton of milk on top of a carton of eggs. Or, they grab the jar of whatever out my hands and not so delicately plop it down in the cart. I cringe and pray that nothing broke. I don't need the call of shame over the loudspeaker. The younger one just likes to take stuff off the shelves and put it in my cart. When I say we don't need it, she protests that we do. Then I will ask her what it is, you know, to quiz her to see if we actually need the item. When she answers that she doesn't know, I retort in a nanni, nanni, poo, poo tone with "then what makes you think we need it if you don't even know what it is?" YES! VICTORY OVER FOUR YEAR OLD!
At this point, putting shit that I don't want back on to the shelves has made my patience meter drop. At least to half way. This is the time where I say to my children in a not so loud voice, but in a stern way with crazy eyes, "Do I have to be the crazy, yelling mom in the store? Please don't make me become the crazy, yelling mom in the store." They pinky promise that they will behave. But by the next aisle they have forgotten their promise. Also, this is the point where I start getting paranoid. I start wondering if social workers from DYFS are behind the two way mirrors. I am pretty convinced that over the loud speakers I am going to get scolded by a person of authority. Can they see my face? Can they tell by the look in my eyes that I'm imagining beating my kids? (To all of my readers, don't go all berserk calling DYFS on me because of my blog. I don't actually beat my kids. Sometimes it's a fantasy, but really, that's about it.)
At times I have even abandoned cart and went home to avoid freaking out at the store. It only causes me to be inconvenienced by having to go back. But by then, I am more likely to be able to go shopping A-L-O-N-E. Even if it's at 10:00 at night when my husband can be home while the girls sleep.
My solution to this problem, and to avoid having my kids actually taken away from me is for the grocery stores to have baby sitting. Why not? The gyms have it! At the gym, the policy is that if your kid is crying for more than 10 minutes, they come get you and you get your kid back. If that happens at the grocery store, they can just call your name over the loudspeaker and publicly humiliate you at the same time. Also, the grocery store has everything one would need to run an efficient baby sitting center. They can set it up in the warehouse part, I know they have the room. Snacks, Check! Toys? Sure, get a large bundle of paper towels and the kids can make towers and knock them down, Check! Nap? Many grocery stores carry dog beds...perfect!!! (Another check). Speaking of dogs, kids can also play with the doggie toys they sell. My local grocery store also sells dvds, tv's and cd's. Entertainment is at the edge of their fingertips.
This plan is flawless! It's genius! I thought that the system could work like the shopping cart procedure. You stick a quarter in and when you put your shopping cart away (as opposed to leaving it in the middle of the lot) you get your quarter back. You drop off your kid and get your cart, and when you return your cart you get your kid back. I have a feeling the parking lot would be full of abandoned carts.
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