Penis Envy

I guess I'll have to preface this by stating that I don't have a whole lotta experience with penises. My friend Tara says that you won't believe me. Ok, well, maybe I have come in contact with a couple of penises in my lifetime, but perhaps my eyes were closed at the time (or I could have been very well under the influence).

Well the other day I saw a penis and it was the oddest looking penis I have ever seen! I was baffled. I did a double take!

I know you are all wondering what I could have possibly been doing to randomly see an abnormal penis. I wish I could even come up with a story that would get you intrigued and would be so impressive that you would have to repeat it as if it were your own incident. But the reality is that I was picking up my daughter from daycare and I walked past the little kid bathroom. You know, the bathroom with the miniature size toilets and sinks that make grown ups feel like giants. Well, the bathroom is attached to the classroom and the door for the most part remains opened. As I walk past, my daughter says hi to the teacher in the bathroom, I look in and see this boy standing up, facing me, pants down and this bright red floppy thing attached to the end of his penis. You know those long narrow balloons that are used to create balloon art? Those type of balloons always have this "tail" at the end that doesn't hold air and kind of flops. That's exactly what it looked like! I really tried to look away! I'm not some kind of freaky, pedophile, boy penis looker atter. I was asking in my own head "what the heck is THAT?" I thought the poor kid had an infection on his penis!


The next day my suspicion was confirmed. It was an uncircumcised penis! Holy cow! Is that what it looks like? What do you do with that extra part? I never really gave much consideration to penises, circumcised or not. The most I ever thought about it was when I was pregnant. I told my husband that if we should have a boy (which we did not), my wish is that he be circumcised in the hospital and then we hire an actor to be a moyel for the bris. I am not the type who can hold a baby in my arms while a Jewish clergyman snips skin off him. I would go down, fast. Oops, I didn't mean it that way..I meant I would faint. Not a good thing to happen while holding a human.

Penises seem like a very convenient thing to have. I almost wish I had one. If I had a penis I could pee without undressing. I could pee in a public restroom without my purse hanging off around my neck so that it doesn't touch the floor. I could measure things without having access to a ruler and I could kill time my watching it grow and shrink, grow and shrink with just the touch of my hand. Oh what fun! I also would not need to go to the doctor once a year so he could examine it and stick cold metal objects inside either. BUT, they are U-G-L-Y! I'm not gonna get into the debate whether circumcising is necessary or more healthy, whatever. That's another argument that quite frankly I don't care who wins because it does not apply to me. All I have to say is, you got something that's ugly to begin with, why make it worse? The moral of the story is: The poor thing is unattractive but wants to be touched. Make it pretty. Leaving a long red floppy thing at the end is not going to make people want to see it more than they have to. Cut the damn flop off!