Sex Object

When it comes to alternative lifestyles, I have to admit I am very liberal. Seriously, I am so far left I'm practically out of the field. The way I see it, it's your life, your body, your preference. Why should I have any say over it? As long as your not probing me. I mean, except for out of the line stuff like pedophilia and beastiality, I really have no concern what someone else does with their free time or with their private parts. I wasn't even all that offended by Anthony Weiner posting his junk on Twitter. If that's how he wants to be remembered, so be it.

I have, however, recently come across a new (well, new to me) type of love. It's called Objectum Sexuality. I'm horrified! I never thought that I, Me, Ms. Open Minded 2011 could be offended by some one's lifestyle. I'm sure you are all wondering without scrambling to do a Google search what Objectum Sexuality is. Thanks to National Geographic, I have learned about a new lifestyle and will pass my new found information to you. (Who says my blog can't be educational?)

Objectum sexuality is when someone falls in love with a specific object. I'm not talking about being very fond of a certain type of collectible and having it displayed in your home. I'm talking about having emotional relationships with an inanimate object and even going as far to make out with it. Fucking gross! Experts say that these people are hard wired incorrectly. Really? Ya think? (Where's the sarcasm font when you need it?) Objectum sexuals also believe that the object returns the feelings. One of the examples was a man in love with his cars. He had a name for each car. He "bathed" (i.e. washed) his cars daily. While bathing his cars, he would caress it as if it were his girlfriend's breasts. He would even go as far as to French kiss it! He considered that "making love" to it. As he washes the car and rubs it with a cloth, it makes a squeaking noise. He believes that the squeak is the car communicating to him...like a woman would moan during intercourse.

I saw another example where a woman was in love with a wall. The Berlin wall to be exact! I almost understand the car more than a wall!!! A car has shape, it can be shiny and just visibly pleasurable. But a wall? A wall is boring, hard, cold and there just isn't anything sexy about it. She even had a long piece of wall, about 4 feet long that she slept with! How do you cuddle with a wall?

I guess in some way it has it's advantages though. I'm sure in this type of relationship normal conflicts that arise between couples don't exist. For instance, I'm sure this man and his car never argue over where they will spend holidays, like Thanksgiving. Non of the "Well, we went to your parents' house last year!". I'm sure the car also never proclaims that she isn't in the mood or has a head ache. She is pretty much available whenever he is ready. I think it's safe to say that this guy never goes to work and says "Man, Vanilla (one of his car's name) was such a nag last night". And I'm sure the wall woman never called her friend and complained about the wall leaving his dirty socks on the floor - AGAIN! They certainly never argue about money.

I wonder if the objectum sexuals go to therapy and complain about their partners not listening to them or that they don't feel "validated" by their partner. What about double dating? If a guy that you worked with and became friendly with talked about his girlfriend "Candy" a lot, a natural thing to do would be to invite your friend/coworker to go out with you and your partner. Can you imagine if your friend shows up in a red car and introduces "Candy" to you? I mean, what the heck do you do? Would it be inappropriate to go for a ride in it? The only place you could go on your double date would be a drive-in movie, drive through fast food or a car wash.

I just can't comprehend someone falling in love with something with no personality, no physical attractiveness and the inability to have a normal, intelligent conversation. After reading this, my husband has just discovered that he is an objectum sexual.