I guess I'll have to preface this by stating that I don't have a whole lotta experience with penises. My friend Tara says that you won't believe me. Ok, well, maybe I have come in contact with a couple of penises in my lifetime, but perhaps my eyes were closed at the time (or I could have been very well under the influence).
Well the other day I saw a penis and it was the oddest looking penis I have ever seen! I was baffled. I did a double take!
I know you are all wondering what I could have possibly been doing to randomly see an abnormal penis. I wish I could even come up with a story that would get you intrigued and would be so impressive that you would have to repeat it as if it were your own incident. But the reality is that I was picking up my daughter from daycare and I walked past the little kid bathroom. You know, the bathroom with the miniature size toilets and sinks that make grown ups feel like giants. Well, the bathroom is attached to the classroom and the door for the most part remains opened. As I walk past, my daughter says hi to the teacher in the bathroom, I look in and see this boy standing up, facing me, pants down and this bright red floppy thing attached to the end of his penis. You know those long narrow balloons that are used to create balloon art? Those type of balloons always have this "tail" at the end that doesn't hold air and kind of flops. That's exactly what it looked like! I really tried to look away! I'm not some kind of freaky, pedophile, boy penis looker atter. I was asking in my own head "what the heck is THAT?" I thought the poor kid had an infection on his penis!
The next day my suspicion was confirmed. It was an uncircumcised penis! Holy cow! Is that what it looks like? What do you do with that extra part? I never really gave much consideration to penises, circumcised or not. The most I ever thought about it was when I was pregnant. I told my husband that if we should have a boy (which we did not), my wish is that he be circumcised in the hospital and then we hire an actor to be a moyel for the bris. I am not the type who can hold a baby in my arms while a Jewish clergyman snips skin off him. I would go down, fast. Oops, I didn't mean it that way..I meant I would faint. Not a good thing to happen while holding a human.
Penises seem like a very convenient thing to have. I almost wish I had one. If I had a penis I could pee without undressing. I could pee in a public restroom without my purse hanging off around my neck so that it doesn't touch the floor. I could measure things without having access to a ruler and I could kill time my watching it grow and shrink, grow and shrink with just the touch of my hand. Oh what fun! I also would not need to go to the doctor once a year so he could examine it and stick cold metal objects inside either. BUT, they are U-G-L-Y! I'm not gonna get into the debate whether circumcising is necessary or more healthy, whatever. That's another argument that quite frankly I don't care who wins because it does not apply to me. All I have to say is, you got something that's ugly to begin with, why make it worse? The moral of the story is: The poor thing is unattractive but wants to be touched. Make it pretty. Leaving a long red floppy thing at the end is not going to make people want to see it more than they have to. Cut the damn flop off!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Driving Me Crazy
In the news: 4 year old child was shot while sitting in his car seat. The gunman shot a gun through the 4 year old's mother's car because she took too long to accelerate when the traffic light turned green. WHAT THE FUCK?????????? This is wrong on so many levels:
1. I kind of understand how it's annoying when the light turns green and the person in front of you does not go right away. My husband and I have a saying when it happens. One of us usually says rhetorically "Are you waiting for a nicer shade of green?" We may or may be in a rush at the time but about 20 seconds after the incident it is usually forgotten.
2. When did giving the finger become obsolete? Usually "the finger" is given at inappropriate and unwarranted times anyway...but it was, for the most part, sufficient in conveying the message. If this woman was taking so long to go at the green light, why didn't the shooter just honk his horn to alert her OR he could have simply drove around her. Is it possible that he didn't want to break the law by crossing over a double line???? I highly doubt it.
What is it about driving incidents that make people crazy?? I'll admit, I have had my share of being impatient. I have held my hand on the horn for an unreasonable amount of time, and on occasion I have done the "slow down" in front of someone who is on my ass. But never have I been that outraged that I would shoot a gun at somebody.
I have actually had fantasies where I throw an egg at the car of a driver who has done me wrong. In my fantasy a cop pulls me over and questions me. I respond by asking "who the heck drives around with an egg in their car?" Of course that crazy person would be me, but it would just be so outrageous that the cop would let me go. But another crazy fantasy of mine is to have the ability to crash cars into trees or telephone polls. When a driver is being a real asshole, I want to use my telepathic abilities to cause harm to that driver only. Why can't I just get over it? Why does the rudeness, selfishness and sometimes plain old ignorance cause me to have such an emotional reaction? Especially if no harm was actually caused?
Below are some infractions which drive me berserk. Of course, not berserk enough to shoot someone, but berserk enough to fantasize about mentally blowing the other car up into pieces:
1. Tailgating. Just fucking pass me! Chances are, I know that I am driving the speed limit or not much more and I am actually in the right lane. Just fucking pass me.
2. Not adhering to the "every other car" move. Ok, when there is a lane closure or a lane is ending, traffic flows so much smoother when everyone takes a turn going into the lane. I can't stand it when the guy next to you speeds up just so you can't be the next car. Oh wow, you're one car ahead of me. Whoopie!
3. Rude re-entry onto road after pulling over for an emergency vehicle. When I pull over because there is an ambulance or fire truck behind me with flashing lights..it really pisses me off when the car behind me pulls back out onto the road and does not let me on! COME ON! REALLY? I pulled over to help save someone's life and you can't let me go back onto the road? That's just rude and selfish.
4. YIELD! Yield really means stop and make sure the right of way car isn't going to slam into you. It does not mean "ignore this sign and speed up". Enough said.
5. Refusal to use blinker. Is it only me, or does it completely drive you crazy when you are at a traffic light in the left lane, the light turns green AND THEN the driver in front of you turns on his left turn signal???????? Fucking asshole, if you had your turn signal on, I would have gotten in the right lane.
6. Ok, not really a driving issue, but a vehicle issue. Vanity plates that you just can't figure out! Why get the plates if it is going to be a quiz trying to figure it out. Vanity plates should be short, witty and easy to translate. I shouldn't have to go 2 miles out of my way, following the car while trying to figure it out.
7. I really, really wish I could slam a car into a tree when I am waiting on a long line get off an exit and someone speeds up and tries to pull in front. I know I have to exit soon, I move into the right lane and simply wait my turn. Then some SELF RIGHTEOUS ASSHOLE who has this sense of entitlement decides that he can't be bothered to wait and he cuts in front of the line from the left lane. I just don't understand why these douche bags just can't wait like the rest of us. I'll let you in...but I'm going to use my telepathic skills to crash you into a tree. If my telepathic skills are not working, then I'm not letting you in. This is NOT going against my #2 rule of "every other" because technically this driver wasn't waiting for his turn. You know this guy was probably cute in elementary / high school and used to walk up to a homely girl on the lunch line and asked for frontsies. Oh, she gave it to him on the hopes he would like her for it...but the next day he went back to ignoring her.
If we could simply have the ability to communicate from car to car when an infraction occurs, it might eliminate this rage. Maybe drivers could calmly talk it out while at the same time driving to our destination. If that were the case, my daughters' knee jerk reaction to my saying the F word wouldn't be "What happened?". They would already know.
1. I kind of understand how it's annoying when the light turns green and the person in front of you does not go right away. My husband and I have a saying when it happens. One of us usually says rhetorically "Are you waiting for a nicer shade of green?" We may or may be in a rush at the time but about 20 seconds after the incident it is usually forgotten.
2. When did giving the finger become obsolete? Usually "the finger" is given at inappropriate and unwarranted times anyway...but it was, for the most part, sufficient in conveying the message. If this woman was taking so long to go at the green light, why didn't the shooter just honk his horn to alert her OR he could have simply drove around her. Is it possible that he didn't want to break the law by crossing over a double line???? I highly doubt it.
What is it about driving incidents that make people crazy?? I'll admit, I have had my share of being impatient. I have held my hand on the horn for an unreasonable amount of time, and on occasion I have done the "slow down" in front of someone who is on my ass. But never have I been that outraged that I would shoot a gun at somebody.
I have actually had fantasies where I throw an egg at the car of a driver who has done me wrong. In my fantasy a cop pulls me over and questions me. I respond by asking "who the heck drives around with an egg in their car?" Of course that crazy person would be me, but it would just be so outrageous that the cop would let me go. But another crazy fantasy of mine is to have the ability to crash cars into trees or telephone polls. When a driver is being a real asshole, I want to use my telepathic abilities to cause harm to that driver only. Why can't I just get over it? Why does the rudeness, selfishness and sometimes plain old ignorance cause me to have such an emotional reaction? Especially if no harm was actually caused?
Below are some infractions which drive me berserk. Of course, not berserk enough to shoot someone, but berserk enough to fantasize about mentally blowing the other car up into pieces:
1. Tailgating. Just fucking pass me! Chances are, I know that I am driving the speed limit or not much more and I am actually in the right lane. Just fucking pass me.
2. Not adhering to the "every other car" move. Ok, when there is a lane closure or a lane is ending, traffic flows so much smoother when everyone takes a turn going into the lane. I can't stand it when the guy next to you speeds up just so you can't be the next car. Oh wow, you're one car ahead of me. Whoopie!
3. Rude re-entry onto road after pulling over for an emergency vehicle. When I pull over because there is an ambulance or fire truck behind me with flashing lights..it really pisses me off when the car behind me pulls back out onto the road and does not let me on! COME ON! REALLY? I pulled over to help save someone's life and you can't let me go back onto the road? That's just rude and selfish.
4. YIELD! Yield really means stop and make sure the right of way car isn't going to slam into you. It does not mean "ignore this sign and speed up". Enough said.
5. Refusal to use blinker. Is it only me, or does it completely drive you crazy when you are at a traffic light in the left lane, the light turns green AND THEN the driver in front of you turns on his left turn signal???????? Fucking asshole, if you had your turn signal on, I would have gotten in the right lane.
6. Ok, not really a driving issue, but a vehicle issue. Vanity plates that you just can't figure out! Why get the plates if it is going to be a quiz trying to figure it out. Vanity plates should be short, witty and easy to translate. I shouldn't have to go 2 miles out of my way, following the car while trying to figure it out.
7. I really, really wish I could slam a car into a tree when I am waiting on a long line get off an exit and someone speeds up and tries to pull in front. I know I have to exit soon, I move into the right lane and simply wait my turn. Then some SELF RIGHTEOUS ASSHOLE who has this sense of entitlement decides that he can't be bothered to wait and he cuts in front of the line from the left lane. I just don't understand why these douche bags just can't wait like the rest of us. I'll let you in...but I'm going to use my telepathic skills to crash you into a tree. If my telepathic skills are not working, then I'm not letting you in. This is NOT going against my #2 rule of "every other" because technically this driver wasn't waiting for his turn. You know this guy was probably cute in elementary / high school and used to walk up to a homely girl on the lunch line and asked for frontsies. Oh, she gave it to him on the hopes he would like her for it...but the next day he went back to ignoring her.
If we could simply have the ability to communicate from car to car when an infraction occurs, it might eliminate this rage. Maybe drivers could calmly talk it out while at the same time driving to our destination. If that were the case, my daughters' knee jerk reaction to my saying the F word wouldn't be "What happened?". They would already know.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
It's like the pot calling the kettle......
Black? African American? Colored? What are we allowed to call this kettle?
I was born in 1970 and I have always been white. In the 70's, 80's 90's and all through the 2000's I have always been identified as a white girl. Sometimes when completing an application or medical form, I am identified as Caucasian. But either way, I'm white, that's who I am and it's not offensive if someone who is non-white calls me such.
However, through out my life time and even a bit before, dark skinned, (not Indian or Asian) have had revolving terminology on how they can be identified.
I get that people should not be "labeled" and blah blah blah. But sometimes it's actually necessary to use descriptive terms. Let's say for instance I bought something from a stranger on Craig's List. We decide to meet at a public place to exchange money and product and I say to him "How will I know you are you"? He might say something like he will be wearing a green shirt. But what if he doesn't know what shirt he will be wearing that day? Can he just say "I'm 5'10", black and have short hair"? The "5'10" isn't offensive, the "short hair" isn't either. Why would saying the color of his skin be? I don't understand.
Let's change this scenerio a little. Let's say he said "I'm 5'10", African American and have short hair". Am I to assume he's black because he said "African American"? There aren't white people from Africa? I know some white JEWISH people from Africa. Isn't African American more of a description of geographical descent and not physical attribute?
In the early 1900's NAACP was founded. For those who aren't familiar with the acronym, it stands for the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. Colored people???? Aren't we all colored? I'm colored white. I'm certainly not transulent. Once the term "Colored People" was deemed unacceptable, I believe the next appropriate term was "Negro". I could not find any documentation time lining politically correct terms (i.e. Google came up with nothing, that's as far as my research goes). But I am relying on my memory of 1970's television shows such as All in the Family and The Jefferson's. I think they used the word Negro a lot. Then early 1980's "Negro" switched to Black and then very quickly in the mid
1980's the term "African American" took over and is still reigning champ.
Please don't twist this post as a racist thing. I'm not being racist..just racial. I have no issue, dislike or disdain for any group of people especially blacks, negros, colored people or African Americans. If white people kept switching their description I would be picking on them right now too. But while we are on the topic, does anybody know when Oriental became offensive too? Now it's Asian. I have heard that it's rude to call a person Oriental, and that only things can be Oriental like rugs, food, etc. Huh? What Chinese guy finally had enough, blew his top and went on rampage to make Oriental a bad word to say? Is it really that offensive? Asian is VERY broad range of nationalities. What if my friend wanted to set me up on a date and told me the guy was Asain? Well, hello...is he Indian, Israeli, what? How am I supposed to find this guy if my white friend can't say the word "Asian" without offending someone?
Anyway, I am bringing this up because I don't like trying to figure out what geographical region someone's ancestors orignated from in order to just describe an appearance. I am also bringing it up because it is now 2011. The term "African American" has run its course. It's about time for the non African Americans to get confused again on what we are allowed to say without being offensive. Maybe we can all just agree to say light, dark, or medium, medium with a yellow tint or medium with a redish tint and leave race and nationality out of the whole thing.
I was born in 1970 and I have always been white. In the 70's, 80's 90's and all through the 2000's I have always been identified as a white girl. Sometimes when completing an application or medical form, I am identified as Caucasian. But either way, I'm white, that's who I am and it's not offensive if someone who is non-white calls me such.
However, through out my life time and even a bit before, dark skinned, (not Indian or Asian) have had revolving terminology on how they can be identified.
I get that people should not be "labeled" and blah blah blah. But sometimes it's actually necessary to use descriptive terms. Let's say for instance I bought something from a stranger on Craig's List. We decide to meet at a public place to exchange money and product and I say to him "How will I know you are you"? He might say something like he will be wearing a green shirt. But what if he doesn't know what shirt he will be wearing that day? Can he just say "I'm 5'10", black and have short hair"? The "5'10" isn't offensive, the "short hair" isn't either. Why would saying the color of his skin be? I don't understand.
Let's change this scenerio a little. Let's say he said "I'm 5'10", African American and have short hair". Am I to assume he's black because he said "African American"? There aren't white people from Africa? I know some white JEWISH people from Africa. Isn't African American more of a description of geographical descent and not physical attribute?
In the early 1900's NAACP was founded. For those who aren't familiar with the acronym, it stands for the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. Colored people???? Aren't we all colored? I'm colored white. I'm certainly not transulent. Once the term "Colored People" was deemed unacceptable, I believe the next appropriate term was "Negro". I could not find any documentation time lining politically correct terms (i.e. Google came up with nothing, that's as far as my research goes). But I am relying on my memory of 1970's television shows such as All in the Family and The Jefferson's. I think they used the word Negro a lot. Then early 1980's "Negro" switched to Black and then very quickly in the mid
1980's the term "African American" took over and is still reigning champ.
Please don't twist this post as a racist thing. I'm not being racist..just racial. I have no issue, dislike or disdain for any group of people especially blacks, negros, colored people or African Americans. If white people kept switching their description I would be picking on them right now too. But while we are on the topic, does anybody know when Oriental became offensive too? Now it's Asian. I have heard that it's rude to call a person Oriental, and that only things can be Oriental like rugs, food, etc. Huh? What Chinese guy finally had enough, blew his top and went on rampage to make Oriental a bad word to say? Is it really that offensive? Asian is VERY broad range of nationalities. What if my friend wanted to set me up on a date and told me the guy was Asain? Well, hello...is he Indian, Israeli, what? How am I supposed to find this guy if my white friend can't say the word "Asian" without offending someone?
Anyway, I am bringing this up because I don't like trying to figure out what geographical region someone's ancestors orignated from in order to just describe an appearance. I am also bringing it up because it is now 2011. The term "African American" has run its course. It's about time for the non African Americans to get confused again on what we are allowed to say without being offensive. Maybe we can all just agree to say light, dark, or medium, medium with a yellow tint or medium with a redish tint and leave race and nationality out of the whole thing.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
AND THE AWARD GOES TO ...
It should friggen go to ME! ME! I am the best actress in the world!
Every day of my life, almost every moment, I am acting. I act like a mom, I act like a happy employee, I act like a sane human being (Well, sometimes). Yes, it's all an act, and I deserve the award for pulling it off and fooling everybody.
My phoniness starts first thing in the morning when I have to wake my daughters up for school. The real mom would yank the covers back, say "get the hell up" and maybe even dump cold water on their heads. But the actress in me calmly sits down on the bed, moves the hair away from their face and lovingly wakes them up with back rubs and kisses. It takes me a few minutes to get into my role. I must meditate and visualize the calmness prior to going into their bedroom. And the award for best actress goes to..Me!
I walk into day care to drop my daughter off. I say "good morning" with a smile. Yep, acting again. I'm a miserable fuck and most likely it was not a good morning. Sometimes I retort with "Well, it is morning", but just by responding alone, I am in character and playing a role. I'm sure if you ask any of the teachers, they would say I'm pleasant. I usually wear a smile and engage in conversation. It is absolutely an act....and I am good ood ood ood.
Off to work I go. This is where my craft really shines. I can seriously be going off on my boss, giving attitude (the real me) and then "ring, ring!"; I answer the phone with a smile on my face. The victim on the other end of the phone line has no idea that two seconds ago I was a raging lunatic. From his point of view, I am sooo happy to be answering that phone, like it's what I wake up each morning dying to do. My responsiveness is quite the performance. Attempting to go above expectations and assist people in a timely manner. Acting!!! I really don't care that you want a copy of a letter that I already sent you. Fucking pay attention the first time, asshole. This happens a lot with the agents I work with. They call my office with an attitude about not being carbon copied on a communication. When I explain that they were carbon copied the same exact time I faxed the letter out (yes, I can enter several fax numbers at one time for a single transmission, that's how I keep track of who it goes to). I often get the response "OH, I didn't check my fax machine". Well, you know what you stupid dick head? Look at your in coming faxes first and THEN call me to bitch that you didn't get a copy. Of course, being the fine actress that I am, I reply in a calm, friendly way that I will resend the document". I am able to remain in character until I disconnect the call (my version of the director calling "cut") and then calling that person a stupid bitch.
What pisses me off the most is that these paid for actors, the entertainers, really get awards for doing it...and worse of all, such a big deal is made about it. Let's put this in perspective: these people ENTERTAIN for a living. That's worthy of an award????? One in which they get a couple of minutes to thank people and have a platform for their ridiculous monologues. They PRETEND for a living. Most of the time they don't even have to create. It's someone else's job to write the words they need to say. (At least in my profession it's ad lib).
Wouldn't it be awesome if you woke up each morning and someone handed you a sheet of paper with every line you were going to say that day? I mean, you would know early on in the day what shit was going to come your way. You would also know how the other party is going to react! Because it's in your script! Damn I wish my day was like that.
It's also someone else's job to create the actors' costumes (I have to go out and buy my own clothes to perform my job). It's someone else's job to put on their make-up. If you ever saw me without mine, you would think I deserve an award for how I turn out after I apply. All these performers have to do is show up and read a line and make it believable. Again, my daily life...and it's all day long. Not just until the shooting is done. Plus, if they screw up, they get to do it again!!!! How many people can say that about their position? I screw up and I'm literally screwed. No re-do's. It's on to damage control.
I think real working people should get paid tons of money and have televised award shows. The doctor who performed emergency surgery and saved a person's life should actually have the opportunity to get a trophy and thank the people who supported him. Why is an actor, pretending to be a doctor, pretending to save some one's life, getting such an award? I think the administrative support employee should get an award for successfully covering up her boss' error. On the spot, coming up with dialogue to diffuse a situation. Keeping an account when such a fuck up occurs. "And the award for supporting actress goes to...." I mean there are many people in this situation who have to immediately come up with verbal resolution to appease a client. They are the real heroes! Where's their award? How come they aren't on tv telling people how they single handily saved the day. They don't get to go on stage and thank their spouses for their support. And these people get paid FAR LESS money than the people who act out their job on tv or the big screen. What about Michelle Pfiefer in that movie where she's a teacher to an unruly class. She got paid a bazzillion times more than any real teacher of an unruly class would. It's really unfair to those teachers who actually live that life and nobody calls out the word "CUT!" to get the assholes to stop. But this woman who pretended to want to beat the shit out of her students because they drove her crazy got more accolades than any real teacher who showed such restraint.
The only exception to this is Charlie Sheen. In light of recent events, I do believe he is worth tons of money and should get an award. Like me, he is certifiably crazy and he somehow pulls it together and acts NORMAL on tv. Now that's talent.
Every day of my life, almost every moment, I am acting. I act like a mom, I act like a happy employee, I act like a sane human being (Well, sometimes). Yes, it's all an act, and I deserve the award for pulling it off and fooling everybody.
My phoniness starts first thing in the morning when I have to wake my daughters up for school. The real mom would yank the covers back, say "get the hell up" and maybe even dump cold water on their heads. But the actress in me calmly sits down on the bed, moves the hair away from their face and lovingly wakes them up with back rubs and kisses. It takes me a few minutes to get into my role. I must meditate and visualize the calmness prior to going into their bedroom. And the award for best actress goes to..Me!
I walk into day care to drop my daughter off. I say "good morning" with a smile. Yep, acting again. I'm a miserable fuck and most likely it was not a good morning. Sometimes I retort with "Well, it is morning", but just by responding alone, I am in character and playing a role. I'm sure if you ask any of the teachers, they would say I'm pleasant. I usually wear a smile and engage in conversation. It is absolutely an act....and I am good ood ood ood.
Off to work I go. This is where my craft really shines. I can seriously be going off on my boss, giving attitude (the real me) and then "ring, ring!"; I answer the phone with a smile on my face. The victim on the other end of the phone line has no idea that two seconds ago I was a raging lunatic. From his point of view, I am sooo happy to be answering that phone, like it's what I wake up each morning dying to do. My responsiveness is quite the performance. Attempting to go above expectations and assist people in a timely manner. Acting!!! I really don't care that you want a copy of a letter that I already sent you. Fucking pay attention the first time, asshole. This happens a lot with the agents I work with. They call my office with an attitude about not being carbon copied on a communication. When I explain that they were carbon copied the same exact time I faxed the letter out (yes, I can enter several fax numbers at one time for a single transmission, that's how I keep track of who it goes to). I often get the response "OH, I didn't check my fax machine". Well, you know what you stupid dick head? Look at your in coming faxes first and THEN call me to bitch that you didn't get a copy. Of course, being the fine actress that I am, I reply in a calm, friendly way that I will resend the document". I am able to remain in character until I disconnect the call (my version of the director calling "cut") and then calling that person a stupid bitch.
What pisses me off the most is that these paid for actors, the entertainers, really get awards for doing it...and worse of all, such a big deal is made about it. Let's put this in perspective: these people ENTERTAIN for a living. That's worthy of an award????? One in which they get a couple of minutes to thank people and have a platform for their ridiculous monologues. They PRETEND for a living. Most of the time they don't even have to create. It's someone else's job to write the words they need to say. (At least in my profession it's ad lib).
Wouldn't it be awesome if you woke up each morning and someone handed you a sheet of paper with every line you were going to say that day? I mean, you would know early on in the day what shit was going to come your way. You would also know how the other party is going to react! Because it's in your script! Damn I wish my day was like that.
It's also someone else's job to create the actors' costumes (I have to go out and buy my own clothes to perform my job). It's someone else's job to put on their make-up. If you ever saw me without mine, you would think I deserve an award for how I turn out after I apply. All these performers have to do is show up and read a line and make it believable. Again, my daily life...and it's all day long. Not just until the shooting is done. Plus, if they screw up, they get to do it again!!!! How many people can say that about their position? I screw up and I'm literally screwed. No re-do's. It's on to damage control.
I think real working people should get paid tons of money and have televised award shows. The doctor who performed emergency surgery and saved a person's life should actually have the opportunity to get a trophy and thank the people who supported him. Why is an actor, pretending to be a doctor, pretending to save some one's life, getting such an award? I think the administrative support employee should get an award for successfully covering up her boss' error. On the spot, coming up with dialogue to diffuse a situation. Keeping an account when such a fuck up occurs. "And the award for supporting actress goes to...." I mean there are many people in this situation who have to immediately come up with verbal resolution to appease a client. They are the real heroes! Where's their award? How come they aren't on tv telling people how they single handily saved the day. They don't get to go on stage and thank their spouses for their support. And these people get paid FAR LESS money than the people who act out their job on tv or the big screen. What about Michelle Pfiefer in that movie where she's a teacher to an unruly class. She got paid a bazzillion times more than any real teacher of an unruly class would. It's really unfair to those teachers who actually live that life and nobody calls out the word "CUT!" to get the assholes to stop. But this woman who pretended to want to beat the shit out of her students because they drove her crazy got more accolades than any real teacher who showed such restraint.
The only exception to this is Charlie Sheen. In light of recent events, I do believe he is worth tons of money and should get an award. Like me, he is certifiably crazy and he somehow pulls it together and acts NORMAL on tv. Now that's talent.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I HEART Valentine's Day
Roses, candy, romantic dinners, touching greeting cards.
I WANT NONE OF IT!!!!!!! REALLY!
Valentine's Day has to be the dumbest, most ridiculous day of observance in the history of life.
I'm not just saying this because my youth was full of imbalanced hormones, zits, unruly hair and social ineptness which resulted in not receiving any Valentine's. I am not bitter. I don't reject Valentine's Day as a defense mechanism for having false expectations.
It really is just stupid.
When my husband and I were approaching our first Valentine's Day, I intervened his thoughts. Prior to Valentine's Day I informed him that it is not really a holiday I care about. No need to purchase over priced flowers. No need to take me out to a pre-fixe dinner. Just ignore the day. At first he was skeptical. He asked his buddies at work what he should do. They all insisted I was lying and that it was a test. NUH-UH. He came home with some flowers. It was nice, but really, if he came home with nothing it would have had the same affect on me.
Why should Hallmark decide what day my significant other should express his affection for me and vice versa? Wouldn't it be more affective if it were done on a whim or on a day when society isn't telling me to do it?
In fact, I think Valentine's Day is kind of cruel. In elementary school, we were forced to give every kid in the class a Valentines, even if we couldn't stand the kid. I'm guilty..I made my own daughter do it. But what does it ultimately teach these kids? When they get a bit older and they stop receiving Valentines, they are going to be clueless, wondering what happened. I can just picture poor Stuey wondering why Ashley gave him a card that read "Choo Choo Choose Me" in the 5th grade yet she won't even acknowledge him when they get to 6th grade. Now if Stuey never got a card to begin with, he wouldn't expect one anyway, right? But society tells us that Stuey should get a card just because it's Valentine's Day.
Also, doesn't Valentine's Day promote having babies out of wedlock? I mean, here we are teaching kids the birds and the bees and that babies come when two people love each other. Then Valentine's Day rolls along and these kids are declaring love to each other, whether they really love the person or not. I see it coming...FREE LOVE! Do the math:
Valentine's Day = Day to show love. Show Love = sex. Therefore Valentine's Day = Sex.
Kids are learning this as early as the first grade! How are we, as responsible parents, supposed to raise our children with morals and respect when we have this day, MARKED ON THE CALENDAR, telling them to go out and have sex just because it's the day to it?
Then you have the lonely hearts club who are miserable on Valentine's Day. Every day they come across something subtle which reminds them that they don't currently have a significant other. Cooking dinner for one, conversations with the cat, and nobody calling to say goodnight. But then you have Valentine's Day and it just shoves the reminder IN THEIR FACE. Now how romantic and loving is that? She'll stay home from work because she won't want to see all of her college's flower deliveries. She won't want to explain why her "boyfriend" who lives in "Canada" didn't send her anything.
You also have these die hard Valentiner's who get angry if they don't go out for dinner or don't get a gift. I believe these people are totally insecure with themselves and with their relationships. do I need my boyfriend / husband, etc to validate our relationship all the time? Do I especially need it because there is a pre printed mark on my calendar showing "Valentine's Day"? Absolutely not. I know he loves me and he knows I love him back. Getting a friggin box of chocolates in not going to change a thing.
I WANT NONE OF IT!!!!!!! REALLY!
Valentine's Day has to be the dumbest, most ridiculous day of observance in the history of life.
I'm not just saying this because my youth was full of imbalanced hormones, zits, unruly hair and social ineptness which resulted in not receiving any Valentine's. I am not bitter. I don't reject Valentine's Day as a defense mechanism for having false expectations.
It really is just stupid.
When my husband and I were approaching our first Valentine's Day, I intervened his thoughts. Prior to Valentine's Day I informed him that it is not really a holiday I care about. No need to purchase over priced flowers. No need to take me out to a pre-fixe dinner. Just ignore the day. At first he was skeptical. He asked his buddies at work what he should do. They all insisted I was lying and that it was a test. NUH-UH. He came home with some flowers. It was nice, but really, if he came home with nothing it would have had the same affect on me.
Why should Hallmark decide what day my significant other should express his affection for me and vice versa? Wouldn't it be more affective if it were done on a whim or on a day when society isn't telling me to do it?
In fact, I think Valentine's Day is kind of cruel. In elementary school, we were forced to give every kid in the class a Valentines, even if we couldn't stand the kid. I'm guilty..I made my own daughter do it. But what does it ultimately teach these kids? When they get a bit older and they stop receiving Valentines, they are going to be clueless, wondering what happened. I can just picture poor Stuey wondering why Ashley gave him a card that read "Choo Choo Choose Me" in the 5th grade yet she won't even acknowledge him when they get to 6th grade. Now if Stuey never got a card to begin with, he wouldn't expect one anyway, right? But society tells us that Stuey should get a card just because it's Valentine's Day.
Also, doesn't Valentine's Day promote having babies out of wedlock? I mean, here we are teaching kids the birds and the bees and that babies come when two people love each other. Then Valentine's Day rolls along and these kids are declaring love to each other, whether they really love the person or not. I see it coming...FREE LOVE! Do the math:
Valentine's Day = Day to show love. Show Love = sex. Therefore Valentine's Day = Sex.
Kids are learning this as early as the first grade! How are we, as responsible parents, supposed to raise our children with morals and respect when we have this day, MARKED ON THE CALENDAR, telling them to go out and have sex just because it's the day to it?
Then you have the lonely hearts club who are miserable on Valentine's Day. Every day they come across something subtle which reminds them that they don't currently have a significant other. Cooking dinner for one, conversations with the cat, and nobody calling to say goodnight. But then you have Valentine's Day and it just shoves the reminder IN THEIR FACE. Now how romantic and loving is that? She'll stay home from work because she won't want to see all of her college's flower deliveries. She won't want to explain why her "boyfriend" who lives in "Canada" didn't send her anything.
You also have these die hard Valentiner's who get angry if they don't go out for dinner or don't get a gift. I believe these people are totally insecure with themselves and with their relationships. do I need my boyfriend / husband, etc to validate our relationship all the time? Do I especially need it because there is a pre printed mark on my calendar showing "Valentine's Day"? Absolutely not. I know he loves me and he knows I love him back. Getting a friggin box of chocolates in not going to change a thing.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Toddlers and Tiaras....and TRASH!
Watched one episode of the show. I want to throw up.
I am all for boosting my child's self esteem, building confidence, learning about competition and coping with losing and creating a great public speaker. But is putting on tons of make up, false teeth and wigs the way to do it???? I don't think so. These moronic parents (mostly mothers)insist that's why they put their kids in these god awful pageants. Really? Is that why?
I noticed that most of these mothers are obese, ugly or both. My opinion is they are reliving their ugly and miserable childhood by making their girls even more attractive to pedophiles. The mothers also justify entering their kids into these pageants because they can win great cash prizes. Obviously the mothers don't understand basic math....If you spend $500.00 to $1,000.00 on dresses, another $200 to $800.00 on bathing suits and then even more money and makeup, but you win $500.00 in the pageant..you are still in the red BIG TIME. Duh.
I truly believe that this show should be watched by social workers. It will give them the proof they need to educate other parents on how NOT to be parents. I don't think these pageant moms are damaging their child enough to be taken away..but perhaps they can be persuaded to take a parenting class or the government can intervene to have these mothers sterilized.
Here are some of the examples of awful mothering I witnessed on this show:
1. A five year old using a pacifier in between events? Does the mom think that because the older pageant kids wear false teeth anyway it won't matter what her kid's teeth end up looking like? Plus to have a five year old dependent on that thing? I'm sure that dependency will lead to other vices, or even worse, other oral fixations when she's a teen. She'll end up on MTV's Teen Mom. Oh wait, you can't get pregnant that way.
2. Feeding a girl (I'm talking 8 or younger I'm sure) Red Bull and Pixie Sticks. Why stop there? How about a handful of Ecstasy and some strobe lights for her talent. I'm not trying to put out a Holier than Thou vibe, but my kids, now ages 6 and 3 think they are allergic to soda. That way they don't ask for it and when they see other kids with it, they believe it will make them sick and they can't have it. Why get them started? (unlike me, where I need my Coke or Dr.Pepper fix a couple times a week). Like the girl in #1, if she starts off on Red Bull, what will that escalate to? Is Red Bull a gateway drink to harsher beverages? Lattes at 10 years old? As for the Pixie Sticks...with childhood obesity on the rise, why not just give her a packet of sweet and low instead? I smell a good case of diabetes for this poor kid.
3. Having a child's eyebrow waxed??? Come on! That is a little extreme. The poor girl was crying and begging for mercy! Is the friggin $500 and trophy worth your child begging to stop the pain. Yes, it stings..but for a kid with sensitive youthful skin, that sting has got to feel a lot worse! I never even heard of eyebrow waxing until my late 20's when someone suggested I do it for my wedding. And you should have seen my eyebrows! I looked like a descendant of Bert from Sesame Street. Go ahead, check out my facebook pictures and see my college photos. I ain't lying.
4. Other bells and whistles such as spray tanning, wigs / hair pieces, false teeth, false eyelashes and even acrylic nails. Acrylic nails, on a five year old. Give me a break! Is having nice nails really going to be a deal breaker at a kid's beauty pageant? Oh, her talent was explaining in full accuracy the string theory while juggling, but her she had a chip in her nail paint so she's disqualified. Do these mom's realize how damaging the acrylic nails are to the nail beds? Do they also realize how damaging it is to the child to not believe in their true beauty? That they can only be beautiful with all this crap???? More ranting on this below:
What kills me the most is that the mothers claim that the "Beauty Pageant" is all about being a well rounded person. Hmmmm..then why is sooo much money spent and focus on the physical beauty? And then why don't then call it an "Amazing Ability" pageant? It's hard not to be beautiful with the magic of makeup, wigs, spray tanning and false everything else. If it ISN'T a beauty pageant, why go through all that trouble? To be honest, young girls are really, really cute! Why don't they have the pageant based on their true beauty? Without smoke and mirrors? That would be a real contest. I mean who is actually the true winner in this contest, the kid or the person who did the best job applying the makeup? Maybe the makeup artist should get the trophy.
The girls should get up on stage, sans makeup and frills, speak and perform a talent. Let the girls know, at a young age, that they can be successful, talented and a well rounded person without faking their appearance.
On the episode I watched, a pageant mother said,"Let's be honest, better looking people become more successful". Ok, so why send your kid to school or promote good grades? Why even bother with the talent then? And if your kid is beautiful only because you put tons of applications on their face and head to make them that way, will they truly be successful?
By the way, have you ever seen a picture of Bill Gates, Oprah or Hillary Clinton??????????????
I am all for boosting my child's self esteem, building confidence, learning about competition and coping with losing and creating a great public speaker. But is putting on tons of make up, false teeth and wigs the way to do it???? I don't think so. These moronic parents (mostly mothers)insist that's why they put their kids in these god awful pageants. Really? Is that why?
I noticed that most of these mothers are obese, ugly or both. My opinion is they are reliving their ugly and miserable childhood by making their girls even more attractive to pedophiles. The mothers also justify entering their kids into these pageants because they can win great cash prizes. Obviously the mothers don't understand basic math....If you spend $500.00 to $1,000.00 on dresses, another $200 to $800.00 on bathing suits and then even more money and makeup, but you win $500.00 in the pageant..you are still in the red BIG TIME. Duh.
I truly believe that this show should be watched by social workers. It will give them the proof they need to educate other parents on how NOT to be parents. I don't think these pageant moms are damaging their child enough to be taken away..but perhaps they can be persuaded to take a parenting class or the government can intervene to have these mothers sterilized.
Here are some of the examples of awful mothering I witnessed on this show:
1. A five year old using a pacifier in between events? Does the mom think that because the older pageant kids wear false teeth anyway it won't matter what her kid's teeth end up looking like? Plus to have a five year old dependent on that thing? I'm sure that dependency will lead to other vices, or even worse, other oral fixations when she's a teen. She'll end up on MTV's Teen Mom. Oh wait, you can't get pregnant that way.
2. Feeding a girl (I'm talking 8 or younger I'm sure) Red Bull and Pixie Sticks. Why stop there? How about a handful of Ecstasy and some strobe lights for her talent. I'm not trying to put out a Holier than Thou vibe, but my kids, now ages 6 and 3 think they are allergic to soda. That way they don't ask for it and when they see other kids with it, they believe it will make them sick and they can't have it. Why get them started? (unlike me, where I need my Coke or Dr.Pepper fix a couple times a week). Like the girl in #1, if she starts off on Red Bull, what will that escalate to? Is Red Bull a gateway drink to harsher beverages? Lattes at 10 years old? As for the Pixie Sticks...with childhood obesity on the rise, why not just give her a packet of sweet and low instead? I smell a good case of diabetes for this poor kid.
3. Having a child's eyebrow waxed??? Come on! That is a little extreme. The poor girl was crying and begging for mercy! Is the friggin $500 and trophy worth your child begging to stop the pain. Yes, it stings..but for a kid with sensitive youthful skin, that sting has got to feel a lot worse! I never even heard of eyebrow waxing until my late 20's when someone suggested I do it for my wedding. And you should have seen my eyebrows! I looked like a descendant of Bert from Sesame Street. Go ahead, check out my facebook pictures and see my college photos. I ain't lying.
4. Other bells and whistles such as spray tanning, wigs / hair pieces, false teeth, false eyelashes and even acrylic nails. Acrylic nails, on a five year old. Give me a break! Is having nice nails really going to be a deal breaker at a kid's beauty pageant? Oh, her talent was explaining in full accuracy the string theory while juggling, but her she had a chip in her nail paint so she's disqualified. Do these mom's realize how damaging the acrylic nails are to the nail beds? Do they also realize how damaging it is to the child to not believe in their true beauty? That they can only be beautiful with all this crap???? More ranting on this below:
What kills me the most is that the mothers claim that the "Beauty Pageant" is all about being a well rounded person. Hmmmm..then why is sooo much money spent and focus on the physical beauty? And then why don't then call it an "Amazing Ability" pageant? It's hard not to be beautiful with the magic of makeup, wigs, spray tanning and false everything else. If it ISN'T a beauty pageant, why go through all that trouble? To be honest, young girls are really, really cute! Why don't they have the pageant based on their true beauty? Without smoke and mirrors? That would be a real contest. I mean who is actually the true winner in this contest, the kid or the person who did the best job applying the makeup? Maybe the makeup artist should get the trophy.
The girls should get up on stage, sans makeup and frills, speak and perform a talent. Let the girls know, at a young age, that they can be successful, talented and a well rounded person without faking their appearance.
On the episode I watched, a pageant mother said,"Let's be honest, better looking people become more successful". Ok, so why send your kid to school or promote good grades? Why even bother with the talent then? And if your kid is beautiful only because you put tons of applications on their face and head to make them that way, will they truly be successful?
By the way, have you ever seen a picture of Bill Gates, Oprah or Hillary Clinton??????????????
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Eat Me
Fitness fanatics are self righteous assholes! Seriously! I don't mean the people who go to the gym and work out and keep in shape. I mean the people who get involved with legislation and persuade the government to implement these cockamamie rules and laws for dining. I would like to take my fork and poke it into their asses!
Ok, so I would say I'm "average" when it comes to eating and fitness. In my former life when I worked full time but didn't have kids, I went to the gym several times a week. I didn't necessarily eat well at all times but I wasn't a pig either. Prior to giving birth I was about 5'1" and 103 pounds. I am not 103 anymore, but my pants size are still single digits. I am not one to over do it either. At all you can eat buffets (which usually suck anyway), the restaurant makes money off of me. I don't take advantage and when I'm done, I'm done. There are people out there that don't know when to stop or just enjoy it so much they don't want to. BUT....who the fuck am I to get government involved? Should I start legislation to put a limit on the amount of times a customer can get up and put more food on his plate? No, because I'm not an asshole.
My anger started quite some time ago which I'll get into later...but the camel's back broke when I went to Ihop for breakfast last week. It was a Saturday morning and the kids were at a sleepover. Hooray! I had the morning off! I could sleep later, I don't have to rush off to dance school. Free for a few hours! My husband and I decide to grab some breakfast. We go to Ihop (which I have dubbed ICrap because it makes me crap more than it makes me hop). Anyway, I open the menu to browse and what the fuck do I see? Calorie counters for each menu item! (let out a big sigh here). You know, I really, really want to enjoy my breakfast. I don't want to see the damage! I know it's not going to be the healthiest meal. I knew that going in! If I wanted healthy and not very tasty I would have stayed home and made some egg whites with no cheese and some plain oatmeal with no flavoring like yummy maple and brown sugar. Putting the calorie counter on it really just turned me off to wanting to order anything. Some of the meals had over a thousand calories! I can't do that, especially since I no longer work out. BUT, if the calories were not listed, SURE I would have ordered it! These self righteous assholes (for now on referred to as SRA) cry to the government that since THEY want to know, everyone else should know too. Heck no! I enjoy being in denial. I'm an adult who can make my own decisions and I don't need information shoved in my face. If I want to know, I will ask. If these SRA's are so worried about not knowing the calories of a meal, they can do one of the following:
1. Don't go to the restaurant.
2. Look up the calories on-line before they go.
3. Ask the manager to see documentation.
4. Eat it anyway and then stick their finger down their throat and throw it up. Viola'! Calories be gone!
As I mentioned, my anger started a while ago. I heard on the radio that some person, group, whatever- an SRA, was getting the government involved with Happy Meals at McDonalds. They were complaining that happy meals should not contain toys because it targets children and makes the children want unhealthy foods. Huh??? For real??? A parent, who I am assuming is a grown up, needs the government involved so they can tell their child "NO"? I don't get it. Of course a kid is going to want a toy! My daughters constantly ask for those annoying, toxic play things that they only get when an Aunt takes them for lunch. But it's really up to the adult in this situation to decide what food items they purchase. McDonalds does has apple slices. They have salads AND you can even purchase the stupid toy without buying a Happy Meal. But you know what? If I want to splurge once in a while and get my kid a freaking toy AND some french fries on the side..I should be allowed to do it. I don't need big brother telling me that it's not a good healthy choice. I know that fuckheads..but if it's not a constant, it's not lethal.
Listen up, SRA's....You don't go to a strip club for spiritual guidance. You don't got to a candy store and ask for diet pills. And when you go to a place like IHop or McDonalds, you know what you are in for when you pull into the parking lot. Stop playing Holier Than Thou and make your own wise decisions. Don't force the government to make them for everybody else too.
Now excuse me while I go throw up my McGriddle. It has waaay too many calories.
Ok, so I would say I'm "average" when it comes to eating and fitness. In my former life when I worked full time but didn't have kids, I went to the gym several times a week. I didn't necessarily eat well at all times but I wasn't a pig either. Prior to giving birth I was about 5'1" and 103 pounds. I am not 103 anymore, but my pants size are still single digits. I am not one to over do it either. At all you can eat buffets (which usually suck anyway), the restaurant makes money off of me. I don't take advantage and when I'm done, I'm done. There are people out there that don't know when to stop or just enjoy it so much they don't want to. BUT....who the fuck am I to get government involved? Should I start legislation to put a limit on the amount of times a customer can get up and put more food on his plate? No, because I'm not an asshole.
My anger started quite some time ago which I'll get into later...but the camel's back broke when I went to Ihop for breakfast last week. It was a Saturday morning and the kids were at a sleepover. Hooray! I had the morning off! I could sleep later, I don't have to rush off to dance school. Free for a few hours! My husband and I decide to grab some breakfast. We go to Ihop (which I have dubbed ICrap because it makes me crap more than it makes me hop). Anyway, I open the menu to browse and what the fuck do I see? Calorie counters for each menu item! (let out a big sigh here). You know, I really, really want to enjoy my breakfast. I don't want to see the damage! I know it's not going to be the healthiest meal. I knew that going in! If I wanted healthy and not very tasty I would have stayed home and made some egg whites with no cheese and some plain oatmeal with no flavoring like yummy maple and brown sugar. Putting the calorie counter on it really just turned me off to wanting to order anything. Some of the meals had over a thousand calories! I can't do that, especially since I no longer work out. BUT, if the calories were not listed, SURE I would have ordered it! These self righteous assholes (for now on referred to as SRA) cry to the government that since THEY want to know, everyone else should know too. Heck no! I enjoy being in denial. I'm an adult who can make my own decisions and I don't need information shoved in my face. If I want to know, I will ask. If these SRA's are so worried about not knowing the calories of a meal, they can do one of the following:
1. Don't go to the restaurant.
2. Look up the calories on-line before they go.
3. Ask the manager to see documentation.
4. Eat it anyway and then stick their finger down their throat and throw it up. Viola'! Calories be gone!
As I mentioned, my anger started a while ago. I heard on the radio that some person, group, whatever- an SRA, was getting the government involved with Happy Meals at McDonalds. They were complaining that happy meals should not contain toys because it targets children and makes the children want unhealthy foods. Huh??? For real??? A parent, who I am assuming is a grown up, needs the government involved so they can tell their child "NO"? I don't get it. Of course a kid is going to want a toy! My daughters constantly ask for those annoying, toxic play things that they only get when an Aunt takes them for lunch. But it's really up to the adult in this situation to decide what food items they purchase. McDonalds does has apple slices. They have salads AND you can even purchase the stupid toy without buying a Happy Meal. But you know what? If I want to splurge once in a while and get my kid a freaking toy AND some french fries on the side..I should be allowed to do it. I don't need big brother telling me that it's not a good healthy choice. I know that fuckheads..but if it's not a constant, it's not lethal.
Listen up, SRA's....You don't go to a strip club for spiritual guidance. You don't got to a candy store and ask for diet pills. And when you go to a place like IHop or McDonalds, you know what you are in for when you pull into the parking lot. Stop playing Holier Than Thou and make your own wise decisions. Don't force the government to make them for everybody else too.
Now excuse me while I go throw up my McGriddle. It has waaay too many calories.
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