My friend Karen and I took our kids to the beach. Let me tell you, going to the beach with the kids is NOT what I would call a relaxing day. When I was younger, I'm pretty sure my mom ignored me and let me wander off to do my own thing. Now we are considered irresponsible if we don't stand over them.
Anyway, to our dismay there was a playground at the beach. At first one would think "What is the big deal about a playground at the beach? It sounds like fun." Normally I would think so too, except instead of having the beach experience of playing in the sand and going in the ocean, all the kids wanted to do was go down the slide. It was annoying because we have a slide in the backyard. Why did we travel 60 miles to do this? Karen and I wanted to sit in our beach chairs and chat while the kids played in the sand right in front of us. We didn't want to use up energy walking over to the playground and disciplining other people's kids.
Between the two of us, Karen and I have four kids, all girls. Their ages are: 6 on the cusp of 7, newly 6, 5 and 4 years old. Karen is a whore, she got pregnant when her daughter was only 3 months old. Three months after giving birth, I couldn't even think about sex. Honestly, 1 year after giving birth, I wasn't in the mood either. But I digress.
Since the kids wanted to hang out at the playground, we decided to plant our beach chairs there and keep an eye on them. For the most part, both of our kids are pretty much well behaved. They seemed to be a bit revved up at the playground though. I was a bit ashamed of the way my daughter was acting, but I was at the beach. I was lazy, trying to enjoy my day with Karen and I just wanted to sit. I was not in the mood for disciplining so I just let things slide. Normally I would have been Nazi-mom. A little while later, a man who had been pushing his daughter on a swing approached us. He asked (to both of us) "Do those girls belong to you?" I was kind of afraid to answer because I didn't know if he was asking because he wanted to scold us for having obnoxious kids. I owned up and said "Yes" though in my head I was saying sarcastically "No, I'm a pedophile scouting my next recruit." While preparing myself to be criticized on my parenting skills, the guy said to us, "I would like to take a dip in the ocean, would you mind keeping an eye on my daughter?"
HUH???? He wants me, "Stacey, I can't stand other people's children" to watch his kid? Brave soul. Maybe he thought Karen had a sweet disposition, which she does. But birds of a feather.....just sayin'. I know a lot of people don't write messages on my blog, but I would like to know from any of you out there: Would you leave your kid with a stranger? EVER?!? The man said "I need to get used to the water and then want to ride some waves, so I will be back in a half hour." I didn't see a watch on his wrist (and knowing that the lifeguards were not allowing people in the ocean beyond knee deep) so I answered that he needs to be back in 15 minutes. The guy sulked and said fine. But after he left, I had a paranoid feeling. What if he doesn't come back? Will it be like a Lifetime movie...daughter deserted at the beach and strangers take her home. I don't want another kid!!! But I wouldn't have the heart to turn her over to a foster parent. Then I thought, well, what if I want to leave and he's not back from his romp in the ocean? Would it be negligent of me to leave her? What's he going to do? Report to the police that he left his kid with a stranger and now she's gone?
He introduced his daughter to us and told her that we are going to watch her. He also instructed her that if she has a problem to come to us. I think the latter was going a bit too far. When my own kids tattle or whine my response is usually "I don't care." I can't imagine how I would react when a stranger does it to me. Then I thought, well do I have carte blanche in disciplining this kid while she's under my watch? Can I just stick her in time out until her father gets back? What concerned me even more is that we spend so much time and effort explaining Stranger Danger to our kids. Don't go in a car with a stranger! If a stranger comes up to you and asks you to help find their lost dog, run away! Even if they know you're name. Bad people don't always look like monsters, they can be good looking too. Now this guy is probably confusing the shit out of this girl by making her stay with a stranger.
Fortunately, a few minutes later the father returned. As I knew they would, the lifeguards did not allow him to swim due to the rough waters so he came back. Whew! My paranoid thoughts of him abandoning this girl was dismissed. I gave Karen a look like "thank God" and she breathed a sigh of relief that I didn't give the guy a lesson on what happens when you ask a stranger to watch your kid.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
This Means War!
My daughter recently had color war at her camp. She told me that she needs to wear pink because she is on the pink team. THE PINK TEAM??? What, is she on the support the cure for breast cancer team? Color war teams are strong colors! Gold, Blue, Maroon, Gray. Not pink!
Turns out, at her camp Color War is girls versus boys!!!! How lame!! Who came up with this idea? Why would you put girls versus boys? Other than the sing and dance competition, if they even have one, you would think the boys would have an advantage on the sports. Not trying to be sexist, but I think the boys at her age would be able to run faster, tug a rope harder and throw a ball farther.
Anyway, the worst part of the color war being girls versus boys is the lack of competition between friends. It's a complete shame that these kids are not learning how to deal with conflict among their peers. Remember the days when you totally DESPISED your best friend because she was on the other team? Remember getting into physical fights with a sibling over something that happened at camp when you were on opposing teams??? NOW THAT'S A COLOR WAR!!! Of course, at the end of the week, about an hour after the winner was announced, everyone was back to normal. Your best friend before color war was now your best friend again. You and your sibling fought over other issues instead of "who cheated". Would it really be so terrible if this particular camp broke up the group, just for a few days? Teach the kids a life long lesson that despite differences and personal goals; in the end it all doesn't matter. Friendship prevails.
I miss the good fight.
Turns out, at her camp Color War is girls versus boys!!!! How lame!! Who came up with this idea? Why would you put girls versus boys? Other than the sing and dance competition, if they even have one, you would think the boys would have an advantage on the sports. Not trying to be sexist, but I think the boys at her age would be able to run faster, tug a rope harder and throw a ball farther.
Anyway, the worst part of the color war being girls versus boys is the lack of competition between friends. It's a complete shame that these kids are not learning how to deal with conflict among their peers. Remember the days when you totally DESPISED your best friend because she was on the other team? Remember getting into physical fights with a sibling over something that happened at camp when you were on opposing teams??? NOW THAT'S A COLOR WAR!!! Of course, at the end of the week, about an hour after the winner was announced, everyone was back to normal. Your best friend before color war was now your best friend again. You and your sibling fought over other issues instead of "who cheated". Would it really be so terrible if this particular camp broke up the group, just for a few days? Teach the kids a life long lesson that despite differences and personal goals; in the end it all doesn't matter. Friendship prevails.
I miss the good fight.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Rub Down
I recently had the pleasure of being treated to a European massage. It is supposed to be a relaxing, non eventful experience. Of course, being the neurotic, screwed up person that I am..I can't just let it be stress free.
First, the scheduling. I have to make it on a Saturday because God forbid I am granted a day off of work. I call three weeks in advance and my time choices are limited to two. One at 9:00 am and the other at 4:00. 9:00 kind of sucks because its sooo early for a Saturday. But 4:00 sucks too because whatever I do that day, I have to keep looking at my watch to make sure I'm there. I chose the 9:00 because I figure I can roll out of bed, brush my teeth and go. It's not like I have to take a shower and look nice for a massage.
But of course, there is ALWAYS my doodie issues. I don't want to have to jump off the massage table and run to the bathroom. That would really bite the big one. Plus, my massage is only fifty minutes..I'm sure they would not tack the time I took out to poop and add it to the end. So, I make it a point NOT to eat anything for breakfast! I especially avoid coffee and milk. I have a glass of water and I'm out the door.
My second issue is underwear or no underwear?? I know a lot of women who get massages wearing thong underwear, but I never wear thong underwear. The times that I have tried it, I spent most of my day trying to pull out that wedgie that just won't go away. I don't get how people say it's comfortable. It's comfortable if you like that feeling of something stuck up your ass. The way I see it, when you are annoying to people, a lot of time their response is "what's up your ass"? So overall I don't think something up your ass is a good thing.
Anyway, if I don't wear underwear, will the masseuse accidentally touch something? Gross! Will she be grossed out that I am not wearing underwear? Such a dilemma. I decide to risk it and go "commando". The whole time I am in the robe, which has a kind of high slit, I am wondering if anyone can get a glimpse of my vagina. I hope not. When sitting on the couch, I don't dare even cross my legs or sit in a reclining position. I sit straight up with my knees pushed together.
After getting undressed and into my robe, I go in the "relaxation room". This is the room that is dark and soothing. In the background, lite music plays. The kind with no words and do not resemble any "mainstream" song. There is a note posted on the outside door that states this room is a quiet room. Keep conversation to a minimum and no phones. As usual they have a little spread of mini muffins and cut up bagel pieces. Do I or don't I? It's just a little muffin. What harm can it do? I go for the muffin..the mini muffin. What happens? A little piece of crumb sticks in my throat. I don't want to disturb the other girls so I try to do a little throat clearing. In the quietest way possible I make the "ahem" noise. Nothing. Now I breathe in. Totally made it worse! At this point I start coughing but I am really, really trying to be quiet about it. Should I leave the room so I can be loud? But what if they call me for my turn while I'm outside in the hall? Will they skip over me?? I need help making my decision, but I can't talk because I am choking plus my cell phone is in the locker room. My eye balls are rolling back and forth and the other women are staring at me. Not sure if they are annoyed that I am disturbing their "quiet time" or if they are wondering who is going to get up first and give me the Heimlich maneuver. Pretty awkward in robes. Finally, with a sip of cucumber flavored water (sounds fancy, but really icky), the crumb moistens and goes down. For that, I will reward myself with a free cappuccino after my massage. I don't even like cappuccino but as I mentioned, it's free, I was just in a near death experience and I'm going to take advantage.
I finally make it to my massage! I lie face down as instructed. As I'm getting my massage I hear a stomach rumble. I don't feel anything and I don't seem hungry. I decide it came from the massage therapist. She must be embarrassed. I don't say anything. Shortly after I feel a little bubble in my tush. HOLY CRAP, I can't believe it, I HAVE TO FART!. OH NO! Why is God punishing me???????? Ok, so I have a few options here: 1. I can squeeze my butt cheeks together and try to let it go slow and easy and hopefully undetected. The only problem with this option is that it may make a loud noise despite my efforts OR it may be silent but it could possibly smell. The scents they have already set up in the room for relaxation can't possibly mask the smell of a fart, could it? Also, the message therapist will probably notice that my butt cheeks are squooshed together, or even worse, ask me to relax. Option #2 is just to let it go. Hey, I'm a human and humans fart, right? Maybe she intentionally pushed on a pressure point that would make me fart and she wants to see if it worked. After about a half a second, I reject option #2. Despite my "no shame after giving birth" policy, I can't go through with it. Just not brave enough.
I leave the massage room very relaxed and with a smile on my face. I go back to the Relaxation Room which is now abuzz with yentas ignoring the quiet talking rule. As I sip on my free cappuccino, I set a mental reminder to tip the masseuse 20%. She was well worth it.
First, the scheduling. I have to make it on a Saturday because God forbid I am granted a day off of work. I call three weeks in advance and my time choices are limited to two. One at 9:00 am and the other at 4:00. 9:00 kind of sucks because its sooo early for a Saturday. But 4:00 sucks too because whatever I do that day, I have to keep looking at my watch to make sure I'm there. I chose the 9:00 because I figure I can roll out of bed, brush my teeth and go. It's not like I have to take a shower and look nice for a massage.
But of course, there is ALWAYS my doodie issues. I don't want to have to jump off the massage table and run to the bathroom. That would really bite the big one. Plus, my massage is only fifty minutes..I'm sure they would not tack the time I took out to poop and add it to the end. So, I make it a point NOT to eat anything for breakfast! I especially avoid coffee and milk. I have a glass of water and I'm out the door.
My second issue is underwear or no underwear?? I know a lot of women who get massages wearing thong underwear, but I never wear thong underwear. The times that I have tried it, I spent most of my day trying to pull out that wedgie that just won't go away. I don't get how people say it's comfortable. It's comfortable if you like that feeling of something stuck up your ass. The way I see it, when you are annoying to people, a lot of time their response is "what's up your ass"? So overall I don't think something up your ass is a good thing.
Anyway, if I don't wear underwear, will the masseuse accidentally touch something? Gross! Will she be grossed out that I am not wearing underwear? Such a dilemma. I decide to risk it and go "commando". The whole time I am in the robe, which has a kind of high slit, I am wondering if anyone can get a glimpse of my vagina. I hope not. When sitting on the couch, I don't dare even cross my legs or sit in a reclining position. I sit straight up with my knees pushed together.
After getting undressed and into my robe, I go in the "relaxation room". This is the room that is dark and soothing. In the background, lite music plays. The kind with no words and do not resemble any "mainstream" song. There is a note posted on the outside door that states this room is a quiet room. Keep conversation to a minimum and no phones. As usual they have a little spread of mini muffins and cut up bagel pieces. Do I or don't I? It's just a little muffin. What harm can it do? I go for the muffin..the mini muffin. What happens? A little piece of crumb sticks in my throat. I don't want to disturb the other girls so I try to do a little throat clearing. In the quietest way possible I make the "ahem" noise. Nothing. Now I breathe in. Totally made it worse! At this point I start coughing but I am really, really trying to be quiet about it. Should I leave the room so I can be loud? But what if they call me for my turn while I'm outside in the hall? Will they skip over me?? I need help making my decision, but I can't talk because I am choking plus my cell phone is in the locker room. My eye balls are rolling back and forth and the other women are staring at me. Not sure if they are annoyed that I am disturbing their "quiet time" or if they are wondering who is going to get up first and give me the Heimlich maneuver. Pretty awkward in robes. Finally, with a sip of cucumber flavored water (sounds fancy, but really icky), the crumb moistens and goes down. For that, I will reward myself with a free cappuccino after my massage. I don't even like cappuccino but as I mentioned, it's free, I was just in a near death experience and I'm going to take advantage.
I finally make it to my massage! I lie face down as instructed. As I'm getting my massage I hear a stomach rumble. I don't feel anything and I don't seem hungry. I decide it came from the massage therapist. She must be embarrassed. I don't say anything. Shortly after I feel a little bubble in my tush. HOLY CRAP, I can't believe it, I HAVE TO FART!. OH NO! Why is God punishing me???????? Ok, so I have a few options here: 1. I can squeeze my butt cheeks together and try to let it go slow and easy and hopefully undetected. The only problem with this option is that it may make a loud noise despite my efforts OR it may be silent but it could possibly smell. The scents they have already set up in the room for relaxation can't possibly mask the smell of a fart, could it? Also, the message therapist will probably notice that my butt cheeks are squooshed together, or even worse, ask me to relax. Option #2 is just to let it go. Hey, I'm a human and humans fart, right? Maybe she intentionally pushed on a pressure point that would make me fart and she wants to see if it worked. After about a half a second, I reject option #2. Despite my "no shame after giving birth" policy, I can't go through with it. Just not brave enough.
I leave the massage room very relaxed and with a smile on my face. I go back to the Relaxation Room which is now abuzz with yentas ignoring the quiet talking rule. As I sip on my free cappuccino, I set a mental reminder to tip the masseuse 20%. She was well worth it.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Sex Object
When it comes to alternative lifestyles, I have to admit I am very liberal. Seriously, I am so far left I'm practically out of the field. The way I see it, it's your life, your body, your preference. Why should I have any say over it? As long as your not probing me. I mean, except for out of the line stuff like pedophilia and beastiality, I really have no concern what someone else does with their free time or with their private parts. I wasn't even all that offended by Anthony Weiner posting his junk on Twitter. If that's how he wants to be remembered, so be it.
I have, however, recently come across a new (well, new to me) type of love. It's called Objectum Sexuality. I'm horrified! I never thought that I, Me, Ms. Open Minded 2011 could be offended by some one's lifestyle. I'm sure you are all wondering without scrambling to do a Google search what Objectum Sexuality is. Thanks to National Geographic, I have learned about a new lifestyle and will pass my new found information to you. (Who says my blog can't be educational?)
Objectum sexuality is when someone falls in love with a specific object. I'm not talking about being very fond of a certain type of collectible and having it displayed in your home. I'm talking about having emotional relationships with an inanimate object and even going as far to make out with it. Fucking gross! Experts say that these people are hard wired incorrectly. Really? Ya think? (Where's the sarcasm font when you need it?) Objectum sexuals also believe that the object returns the feelings. One of the examples was a man in love with his cars. He had a name for each car. He "bathed" (i.e. washed) his cars daily. While bathing his cars, he would caress it as if it were his girlfriend's breasts. He would even go as far as to French kiss it! He considered that "making love" to it. As he washes the car and rubs it with a cloth, it makes a squeaking noise. He believes that the squeak is the car communicating to him...like a woman would moan during intercourse.
I saw another example where a woman was in love with a wall. The Berlin wall to be exact! I almost understand the car more than a wall!!! A car has shape, it can be shiny and just visibly pleasurable. But a wall? A wall is boring, hard, cold and there just isn't anything sexy about it. She even had a long piece of wall, about 4 feet long that she slept with! How do you cuddle with a wall?
I guess in some way it has it's advantages though. I'm sure in this type of relationship normal conflicts that arise between couples don't exist. For instance, I'm sure this man and his car never argue over where they will spend holidays, like Thanksgiving. Non of the "Well, we went to your parents' house last year!". I'm sure the car also never proclaims that she isn't in the mood or has a head ache. She is pretty much available whenever he is ready. I think it's safe to say that this guy never goes to work and says "Man, Vanilla (one of his car's name) was such a nag last night". And I'm sure the wall woman never called her friend and complained about the wall leaving his dirty socks on the floor - AGAIN! They certainly never argue about money.
I wonder if the objectum sexuals go to therapy and complain about their partners not listening to them or that they don't feel "validated" by their partner. What about double dating? If a guy that you worked with and became friendly with talked about his girlfriend "Candy" a lot, a natural thing to do would be to invite your friend/coworker to go out with you and your partner. Can you imagine if your friend shows up in a red car and introduces "Candy" to you? I mean, what the heck do you do? Would it be inappropriate to go for a ride in it? The only place you could go on your double date would be a drive-in movie, drive through fast food or a car wash.
I just can't comprehend someone falling in love with something with no personality, no physical attractiveness and the inability to have a normal, intelligent conversation. After reading this, my husband has just discovered that he is an objectum sexual.
I have, however, recently come across a new (well, new to me) type of love. It's called Objectum Sexuality. I'm horrified! I never thought that I, Me, Ms. Open Minded 2011 could be offended by some one's lifestyle. I'm sure you are all wondering without scrambling to do a Google search what Objectum Sexuality is. Thanks to National Geographic, I have learned about a new lifestyle and will pass my new found information to you. (Who says my blog can't be educational?)
Objectum sexuality is when someone falls in love with a specific object. I'm not talking about being very fond of a certain type of collectible and having it displayed in your home. I'm talking about having emotional relationships with an inanimate object and even going as far to make out with it. Fucking gross! Experts say that these people are hard wired incorrectly. Really? Ya think? (Where's the sarcasm font when you need it?) Objectum sexuals also believe that the object returns the feelings. One of the examples was a man in love with his cars. He had a name for each car. He "bathed" (i.e. washed) his cars daily. While bathing his cars, he would caress it as if it were his girlfriend's breasts. He would even go as far as to French kiss it! He considered that "making love" to it. As he washes the car and rubs it with a cloth, it makes a squeaking noise. He believes that the squeak is the car communicating to him...like a woman would moan during intercourse.
I saw another example where a woman was in love with a wall. The Berlin wall to be exact! I almost understand the car more than a wall!!! A car has shape, it can be shiny and just visibly pleasurable. But a wall? A wall is boring, hard, cold and there just isn't anything sexy about it. She even had a long piece of wall, about 4 feet long that she slept with! How do you cuddle with a wall?
I guess in some way it has it's advantages though. I'm sure in this type of relationship normal conflicts that arise between couples don't exist. For instance, I'm sure this man and his car never argue over where they will spend holidays, like Thanksgiving. Non of the "Well, we went to your parents' house last year!". I'm sure the car also never proclaims that she isn't in the mood or has a head ache. She is pretty much available whenever he is ready. I think it's safe to say that this guy never goes to work and says "Man, Vanilla (one of his car's name) was such a nag last night". And I'm sure the wall woman never called her friend and complained about the wall leaving his dirty socks on the floor - AGAIN! They certainly never argue about money.
I wonder if the objectum sexuals go to therapy and complain about their partners not listening to them or that they don't feel "validated" by their partner. What about double dating? If a guy that you worked with and became friendly with talked about his girlfriend "Candy" a lot, a natural thing to do would be to invite your friend/coworker to go out with you and your partner. Can you imagine if your friend shows up in a red car and introduces "Candy" to you? I mean, what the heck do you do? Would it be inappropriate to go for a ride in it? The only place you could go on your double date would be a drive-in movie, drive through fast food or a car wash.
I just can't comprehend someone falling in love with something with no personality, no physical attractiveness and the inability to have a normal, intelligent conversation. After reading this, my husband has just discovered that he is an objectum sexual.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Pregnant and Stupid
To quote my sister "some people don't deserve to have money". I pretty much agree with her. When I think of wealthy people, I often have an illusion that the money came from either someone making smart decisions with their money or in their occupation which supplies their money. It's just so frustrating and disappointing when you witness wealthy people just acting like stupid idiots or spending their money on ridiculous things. I'm not talking about purchases of indulgence like jewels or plastic surgery. I kind of get that. Sometimes these people do such stupid shit with their money that you would think it makes more sense to take the cash and flush it down the toilet. At least it gets a little spin while going down.
Recently I discovered a new television show: Pregnant in Heels. At first glance I thought this show was about maternity fashion or pregnant models. Something like that. But then one day I saw a clip about an upcoming show and the episode was about a Jewish man and a Catholic woman about to have a baby together and making a decision about the baby's religion. Of course this intrigued me due to my interfaith marriage and I decided to watch the episode. Turns out I was wrong about the premise of the show. It is 100% more fucking stupid than I thought it was. It's about a *MATERNITY CONCIERGE who helps pregnant women / families with baby related issues.
* I know, you are probably wondering, as I did, what the fuck a maternity concierge is. Apparently for a bazillion centuries women have been bearing children and working out relationship conflicts while being pregnant with absolutely no help (except for meddling mothers or friends). The maternity concierge takes the intimacy out of intimate relationships and gets paid, a lot, to interfere with personal issues and decisions. It's the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. More humiliating than the Jersey Shore. I mean, women in third world countries who don't even live with comforts such as beds and running water have survived without a concierge.
Back to the episodes I watched. So this older, unattractive Jewish man was married to a younger, pretty woman....a shiska (gentile woman). I have a funny feeling her favorite color is green and her favorite metal is silver. Anyway, she was about a month away from giving birth and they had a dispute about what faith they would raise their child. Ummmm...you didn't talk about this prior to having children? How can you go into a marriage and bring another human to life without even mentioning issues that are important to you? The wife / mother in this episode said that walking into a Jewish temple would freak her out and make her extremely uncomfortable. Seriously? Just walking into a temple could do that? I've been to churches and according to them, my people killed their savior. I was fine. I didn't even get a rash. I won't bore you with the rest of the details, but the moral of this story (warning, spoiler alert) was that they compromise and when they baptize the baby, they have a naming (Jewish tradition) at the party for the baptism. I find it hard to believe that these two adults did not even think of some sort of compromise on their own. How the heck did they survive all these years? They had to pay tons of money to a concierge to think of a solution to a pretty significant but not so unique situation? Unbelievable!
The next episode was about naming the actual baby. The parents were having their third child and called in the concierge to help name their baby!!!!! Insane!! They wanted a name that other people would like so they insisted on getting a focus group to decide whether a name was nice or not. I have a hard time believing that these people have nothing better to do with their time and money! How can other people decide something like this? Not just because it's their child and they should be making this decision, but because names are very subjective. You take one name and a million people could love the name and another million could hate it. Both of the parents had very prestigious and impressive careers. Ones in which it would seem they could make decisions on their own. In the end, the couple came up with their own cock-a-mamie name that no one in the focus group liked anyway. The name was Bowen. Bowen? Isn't that a type of plane? ( I know, it just sounds like it). So if they were going to pick a stupid made up name that no one would like but them anyway...why bother with the concierge and focus groups? Again, throwing money down the toilet. They should have called me, paid me $1,000.00 and I would have told them how much I love their stupid name. I would have done it in half the time too.
Honestly, I don't really care about how people spend their money. I am not anti-rich. But, if you're going to behave like a fool and spend your money foolishly, don't do it publicly on cable tv. Your future children and grand children might see it and lose respect for you. Let someone like me still have faith that the smart and the hard working get rewarded.
Recently I discovered a new television show: Pregnant in Heels. At first glance I thought this show was about maternity fashion or pregnant models. Something like that. But then one day I saw a clip about an upcoming show and the episode was about a Jewish man and a Catholic woman about to have a baby together and making a decision about the baby's religion. Of course this intrigued me due to my interfaith marriage and I decided to watch the episode. Turns out I was wrong about the premise of the show. It is 100% more fucking stupid than I thought it was. It's about a *MATERNITY CONCIERGE who helps pregnant women / families with baby related issues.
* I know, you are probably wondering, as I did, what the fuck a maternity concierge is. Apparently for a bazillion centuries women have been bearing children and working out relationship conflicts while being pregnant with absolutely no help (except for meddling mothers or friends). The maternity concierge takes the intimacy out of intimate relationships and gets paid, a lot, to interfere with personal issues and decisions. It's the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. More humiliating than the Jersey Shore. I mean, women in third world countries who don't even live with comforts such as beds and running water have survived without a concierge.
Back to the episodes I watched. So this older, unattractive Jewish man was married to a younger, pretty woman....a shiska (gentile woman). I have a funny feeling her favorite color is green and her favorite metal is silver. Anyway, she was about a month away from giving birth and they had a dispute about what faith they would raise their child. Ummmm...you didn't talk about this prior to having children? How can you go into a marriage and bring another human to life without even mentioning issues that are important to you? The wife / mother in this episode said that walking into a Jewish temple would freak her out and make her extremely uncomfortable. Seriously? Just walking into a temple could do that? I've been to churches and according to them, my people killed their savior. I was fine. I didn't even get a rash. I won't bore you with the rest of the details, but the moral of this story (warning, spoiler alert) was that they compromise and when they baptize the baby, they have a naming (Jewish tradition) at the party for the baptism. I find it hard to believe that these two adults did not even think of some sort of compromise on their own. How the heck did they survive all these years? They had to pay tons of money to a concierge to think of a solution to a pretty significant but not so unique situation? Unbelievable!
The next episode was about naming the actual baby. The parents were having their third child and called in the concierge to help name their baby!!!!! Insane!! They wanted a name that other people would like so they insisted on getting a focus group to decide whether a name was nice or not. I have a hard time believing that these people have nothing better to do with their time and money! How can other people decide something like this? Not just because it's their child and they should be making this decision, but because names are very subjective. You take one name and a million people could love the name and another million could hate it. Both of the parents had very prestigious and impressive careers. Ones in which it would seem they could make decisions on their own. In the end, the couple came up with their own cock-a-mamie name that no one in the focus group liked anyway. The name was Bowen. Bowen? Isn't that a type of plane? ( I know, it just sounds like it). So if they were going to pick a stupid made up name that no one would like but them anyway...why bother with the concierge and focus groups? Again, throwing money down the toilet. They should have called me, paid me $1,000.00 and I would have told them how much I love their stupid name. I would have done it in half the time too.
Honestly, I don't really care about how people spend their money. I am not anti-rich. But, if you're going to behave like a fool and spend your money foolishly, don't do it publicly on cable tv. Your future children and grand children might see it and lose respect for you. Let someone like me still have faith that the smart and the hard working get rewarded.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Penis Envy
I guess I'll have to preface this by stating that I don't have a whole lotta experience with penises. My friend Tara says that you won't believe me. Ok, well, maybe I have come in contact with a couple of penises in my lifetime, but perhaps my eyes were closed at the time (or I could have been very well under the influence).
Well the other day I saw a penis and it was the oddest looking penis I have ever seen! I was baffled. I did a double take!
I know you are all wondering what I could have possibly been doing to randomly see an abnormal penis. I wish I could even come up with a story that would get you intrigued and would be so impressive that you would have to repeat it as if it were your own incident. But the reality is that I was picking up my daughter from daycare and I walked past the little kid bathroom. You know, the bathroom with the miniature size toilets and sinks that make grown ups feel like giants. Well, the bathroom is attached to the classroom and the door for the most part remains opened. As I walk past, my daughter says hi to the teacher in the bathroom, I look in and see this boy standing up, facing me, pants down and this bright red floppy thing attached to the end of his penis. You know those long narrow balloons that are used to create balloon art? Those type of balloons always have this "tail" at the end that doesn't hold air and kind of flops. That's exactly what it looked like! I really tried to look away! I'm not some kind of freaky, pedophile, boy penis looker atter. I was asking in my own head "what the heck is THAT?" I thought the poor kid had an infection on his penis!
The next day my suspicion was confirmed. It was an uncircumcised penis! Holy cow! Is that what it looks like? What do you do with that extra part? I never really gave much consideration to penises, circumcised or not. The most I ever thought about it was when I was pregnant. I told my husband that if we should have a boy (which we did not), my wish is that he be circumcised in the hospital and then we hire an actor to be a moyel for the bris. I am not the type who can hold a baby in my arms while a Jewish clergyman snips skin off him. I would go down, fast. Oops, I didn't mean it that way..I meant I would faint. Not a good thing to happen while holding a human.
Penises seem like a very convenient thing to have. I almost wish I had one. If I had a penis I could pee without undressing. I could pee in a public restroom without my purse hanging off around my neck so that it doesn't touch the floor. I could measure things without having access to a ruler and I could kill time my watching it grow and shrink, grow and shrink with just the touch of my hand. Oh what fun! I also would not need to go to the doctor once a year so he could examine it and stick cold metal objects inside either. BUT, they are U-G-L-Y! I'm not gonna get into the debate whether circumcising is necessary or more healthy, whatever. That's another argument that quite frankly I don't care who wins because it does not apply to me. All I have to say is, you got something that's ugly to begin with, why make it worse? The moral of the story is: The poor thing is unattractive but wants to be touched. Make it pretty. Leaving a long red floppy thing at the end is not going to make people want to see it more than they have to. Cut the damn flop off!
Well the other day I saw a penis and it was the oddest looking penis I have ever seen! I was baffled. I did a double take!
I know you are all wondering what I could have possibly been doing to randomly see an abnormal penis. I wish I could even come up with a story that would get you intrigued and would be so impressive that you would have to repeat it as if it were your own incident. But the reality is that I was picking up my daughter from daycare and I walked past the little kid bathroom. You know, the bathroom with the miniature size toilets and sinks that make grown ups feel like giants. Well, the bathroom is attached to the classroom and the door for the most part remains opened. As I walk past, my daughter says hi to the teacher in the bathroom, I look in and see this boy standing up, facing me, pants down and this bright red floppy thing attached to the end of his penis. You know those long narrow balloons that are used to create balloon art? Those type of balloons always have this "tail" at the end that doesn't hold air and kind of flops. That's exactly what it looked like! I really tried to look away! I'm not some kind of freaky, pedophile, boy penis looker atter. I was asking in my own head "what the heck is THAT?" I thought the poor kid had an infection on his penis!
The next day my suspicion was confirmed. It was an uncircumcised penis! Holy cow! Is that what it looks like? What do you do with that extra part? I never really gave much consideration to penises, circumcised or not. The most I ever thought about it was when I was pregnant. I told my husband that if we should have a boy (which we did not), my wish is that he be circumcised in the hospital and then we hire an actor to be a moyel for the bris. I am not the type who can hold a baby in my arms while a Jewish clergyman snips skin off him. I would go down, fast. Oops, I didn't mean it that way..I meant I would faint. Not a good thing to happen while holding a human.
Penises seem like a very convenient thing to have. I almost wish I had one. If I had a penis I could pee without undressing. I could pee in a public restroom without my purse hanging off around my neck so that it doesn't touch the floor. I could measure things without having access to a ruler and I could kill time my watching it grow and shrink, grow and shrink with just the touch of my hand. Oh what fun! I also would not need to go to the doctor once a year so he could examine it and stick cold metal objects inside either. BUT, they are U-G-L-Y! I'm not gonna get into the debate whether circumcising is necessary or more healthy, whatever. That's another argument that quite frankly I don't care who wins because it does not apply to me. All I have to say is, you got something that's ugly to begin with, why make it worse? The moral of the story is: The poor thing is unattractive but wants to be touched. Make it pretty. Leaving a long red floppy thing at the end is not going to make people want to see it more than they have to. Cut the damn flop off!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Driving Me Crazy
In the news: 4 year old child was shot while sitting in his car seat. The gunman shot a gun through the 4 year old's mother's car because she took too long to accelerate when the traffic light turned green. WHAT THE FUCK?????????? This is wrong on so many levels:
1. I kind of understand how it's annoying when the light turns green and the person in front of you does not go right away. My husband and I have a saying when it happens. One of us usually says rhetorically "Are you waiting for a nicer shade of green?" We may or may be in a rush at the time but about 20 seconds after the incident it is usually forgotten.
2. When did giving the finger become obsolete? Usually "the finger" is given at inappropriate and unwarranted times anyway...but it was, for the most part, sufficient in conveying the message. If this woman was taking so long to go at the green light, why didn't the shooter just honk his horn to alert her OR he could have simply drove around her. Is it possible that he didn't want to break the law by crossing over a double line???? I highly doubt it.
What is it about driving incidents that make people crazy?? I'll admit, I have had my share of being impatient. I have held my hand on the horn for an unreasonable amount of time, and on occasion I have done the "slow down" in front of someone who is on my ass. But never have I been that outraged that I would shoot a gun at somebody.
I have actually had fantasies where I throw an egg at the car of a driver who has done me wrong. In my fantasy a cop pulls me over and questions me. I respond by asking "who the heck drives around with an egg in their car?" Of course that crazy person would be me, but it would just be so outrageous that the cop would let me go. But another crazy fantasy of mine is to have the ability to crash cars into trees or telephone polls. When a driver is being a real asshole, I want to use my telepathic abilities to cause harm to that driver only. Why can't I just get over it? Why does the rudeness, selfishness and sometimes plain old ignorance cause me to have such an emotional reaction? Especially if no harm was actually caused?
Below are some infractions which drive me berserk. Of course, not berserk enough to shoot someone, but berserk enough to fantasize about mentally blowing the other car up into pieces:
1. Tailgating. Just fucking pass me! Chances are, I know that I am driving the speed limit or not much more and I am actually in the right lane. Just fucking pass me.
2. Not adhering to the "every other car" move. Ok, when there is a lane closure or a lane is ending, traffic flows so much smoother when everyone takes a turn going into the lane. I can't stand it when the guy next to you speeds up just so you can't be the next car. Oh wow, you're one car ahead of me. Whoopie!
3. Rude re-entry onto road after pulling over for an emergency vehicle. When I pull over because there is an ambulance or fire truck behind me with flashing lights..it really pisses me off when the car behind me pulls back out onto the road and does not let me on! COME ON! REALLY? I pulled over to help save someone's life and you can't let me go back onto the road? That's just rude and selfish.
4. YIELD! Yield really means stop and make sure the right of way car isn't going to slam into you. It does not mean "ignore this sign and speed up". Enough said.
5. Refusal to use blinker. Is it only me, or does it completely drive you crazy when you are at a traffic light in the left lane, the light turns green AND THEN the driver in front of you turns on his left turn signal???????? Fucking asshole, if you had your turn signal on, I would have gotten in the right lane.
6. Ok, not really a driving issue, but a vehicle issue. Vanity plates that you just can't figure out! Why get the plates if it is going to be a quiz trying to figure it out. Vanity plates should be short, witty and easy to translate. I shouldn't have to go 2 miles out of my way, following the car while trying to figure it out.
7. I really, really wish I could slam a car into a tree when I am waiting on a long line get off an exit and someone speeds up and tries to pull in front. I know I have to exit soon, I move into the right lane and simply wait my turn. Then some SELF RIGHTEOUS ASSHOLE who has this sense of entitlement decides that he can't be bothered to wait and he cuts in front of the line from the left lane. I just don't understand why these douche bags just can't wait like the rest of us. I'll let you in...but I'm going to use my telepathic skills to crash you into a tree. If my telepathic skills are not working, then I'm not letting you in. This is NOT going against my #2 rule of "every other" because technically this driver wasn't waiting for his turn. You know this guy was probably cute in elementary / high school and used to walk up to a homely girl on the lunch line and asked for frontsies. Oh, she gave it to him on the hopes he would like her for it...but the next day he went back to ignoring her.
If we could simply have the ability to communicate from car to car when an infraction occurs, it might eliminate this rage. Maybe drivers could calmly talk it out while at the same time driving to our destination. If that were the case, my daughters' knee jerk reaction to my saying the F word wouldn't be "What happened?". They would already know.
1. I kind of understand how it's annoying when the light turns green and the person in front of you does not go right away. My husband and I have a saying when it happens. One of us usually says rhetorically "Are you waiting for a nicer shade of green?" We may or may be in a rush at the time but about 20 seconds after the incident it is usually forgotten.
2. When did giving the finger become obsolete? Usually "the finger" is given at inappropriate and unwarranted times anyway...but it was, for the most part, sufficient in conveying the message. If this woman was taking so long to go at the green light, why didn't the shooter just honk his horn to alert her OR he could have simply drove around her. Is it possible that he didn't want to break the law by crossing over a double line???? I highly doubt it.
What is it about driving incidents that make people crazy?? I'll admit, I have had my share of being impatient. I have held my hand on the horn for an unreasonable amount of time, and on occasion I have done the "slow down" in front of someone who is on my ass. But never have I been that outraged that I would shoot a gun at somebody.
I have actually had fantasies where I throw an egg at the car of a driver who has done me wrong. In my fantasy a cop pulls me over and questions me. I respond by asking "who the heck drives around with an egg in their car?" Of course that crazy person would be me, but it would just be so outrageous that the cop would let me go. But another crazy fantasy of mine is to have the ability to crash cars into trees or telephone polls. When a driver is being a real asshole, I want to use my telepathic abilities to cause harm to that driver only. Why can't I just get over it? Why does the rudeness, selfishness and sometimes plain old ignorance cause me to have such an emotional reaction? Especially if no harm was actually caused?
Below are some infractions which drive me berserk. Of course, not berserk enough to shoot someone, but berserk enough to fantasize about mentally blowing the other car up into pieces:
1. Tailgating. Just fucking pass me! Chances are, I know that I am driving the speed limit or not much more and I am actually in the right lane. Just fucking pass me.
2. Not adhering to the "every other car" move. Ok, when there is a lane closure or a lane is ending, traffic flows so much smoother when everyone takes a turn going into the lane. I can't stand it when the guy next to you speeds up just so you can't be the next car. Oh wow, you're one car ahead of me. Whoopie!
3. Rude re-entry onto road after pulling over for an emergency vehicle. When I pull over because there is an ambulance or fire truck behind me with flashing lights..it really pisses me off when the car behind me pulls back out onto the road and does not let me on! COME ON! REALLY? I pulled over to help save someone's life and you can't let me go back onto the road? That's just rude and selfish.
4. YIELD! Yield really means stop and make sure the right of way car isn't going to slam into you. It does not mean "ignore this sign and speed up". Enough said.
5. Refusal to use blinker. Is it only me, or does it completely drive you crazy when you are at a traffic light in the left lane, the light turns green AND THEN the driver in front of you turns on his left turn signal???????? Fucking asshole, if you had your turn signal on, I would have gotten in the right lane.
6. Ok, not really a driving issue, but a vehicle issue. Vanity plates that you just can't figure out! Why get the plates if it is going to be a quiz trying to figure it out. Vanity plates should be short, witty and easy to translate. I shouldn't have to go 2 miles out of my way, following the car while trying to figure it out.
7. I really, really wish I could slam a car into a tree when I am waiting on a long line get off an exit and someone speeds up and tries to pull in front. I know I have to exit soon, I move into the right lane and simply wait my turn. Then some SELF RIGHTEOUS ASSHOLE who has this sense of entitlement decides that he can't be bothered to wait and he cuts in front of the line from the left lane. I just don't understand why these douche bags just can't wait like the rest of us. I'll let you in...but I'm going to use my telepathic skills to crash you into a tree. If my telepathic skills are not working, then I'm not letting you in. This is NOT going against my #2 rule of "every other" because technically this driver wasn't waiting for his turn. You know this guy was probably cute in elementary / high school and used to walk up to a homely girl on the lunch line and asked for frontsies. Oh, she gave it to him on the hopes he would like her for it...but the next day he went back to ignoring her.
If we could simply have the ability to communicate from car to car when an infraction occurs, it might eliminate this rage. Maybe drivers could calmly talk it out while at the same time driving to our destination. If that were the case, my daughters' knee jerk reaction to my saying the F word wouldn't be "What happened?". They would already know.
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