Monday, May 3, 2010

Spanx Me

I had a wedding to go to and an awesome new dress. Too bad I still have my three year old baby pouch. Diet and exercise??? Feh! Spanx is the answer.

For those virgin Spanx'ers or male readers out there..Spanx is a modern day "girdle". I hate that word by the way. Spanx sucks everything in and renders the user breathless. Your tummy looks flat, your ass looks tight and you are turning blue because everything is just sucked in. Sometimes, depending on where the elastic can't even eat at the event because there is no room for the food in your temporarily minimized stomach. But it's better to look good than to feel good. Right?

So, I go to Lord and Taylors to buy my Spanx. A male cashier is checking me out. Well, not checking me out, but facilitating my purchase. Anyhow, when paying he asked me "Do you want a gift receipt for this?" Without missing a beat I answered, "I think I would get punched in the face if I gave this as a gift!". Can you imagine???

Just picture this scenario: Happy Birthday Jennifer!!! Ooh, ooh, open my present first! I got you Spanx, being that your ass is so fat and your flabby stomach causes a muffin top. Now Jennifer, put down that birthday want fit into your Spanks don't you?

Only a man would ask me if I wanted a gift receipt. If he is reading this, the following items don't require one either: Laxatives, Diet pills and Sanitary napkins / tampons. Hope this guy doesn't get a job at Harmons.