If anyone ever has a personal vendetta against me, and they want me dead but also wants to get away with murder - here is your solution. Send me to Funplex and lock the doors. Within an hour or two I will shoot myself in the head.
Seriously, this place is a money sucking, headache giving, arcade on steroids laced with crack.
The minute you walk in the door it's chaotic loudness. Lights are flashing, like one of those video games that they say cause seizures.
So, I went there because my kids were invited to a birthday party there. If you have read my older posts, you know I avoid these places like the plague. I lie to my kids and tell them that Chuck E. Cheese's is only open to parties. You can't walk in off the street and just go in there without an invitation. Same for Funplex. I would never voluntarily go there.
We get to the front door and there is this boy who looks like he's twelve years old, with an earpiece and clip board. Kind of like how you would picture a bouncer at a high end Manhattan night club. By the way, aren't there child labor laws in New Jersey? Don't you have to be at least 15 or something to work? Who knows, maybe he was getting paid in ski ball tickets or coins for the arcade games. So I tell him the name of the birthday girl and he tells me to go upstairs and proceed to party table numbered 112. I swear to god, it took me about ten minutes just to get to the party room. The place is so large and confusing. Not only that but you have to navigate around the kids running into you AND you have to pay attention to not step on the kids lying on the floor having a tantrum. It was like getting across a football field. Turn and block here, so the obnoxious A.D.D boy doesn't run into your crotch...then when you compose yourself you have to hop over the snot nosed kid on the floor.
Finally, we reach the staircase that leads to the party room. To my surprise I see a police man. What?? A policeman at a place called Funplex?? What exactly goes on here that warrants a police man? I double checked. It was NOT a security guard with a uniform that resembles a police man's. It was a real, hopefully unarmed, policeman. I'm trying to imagine a scenario, as annoying as this place is, where a policeman would need to step in. Someone actually getting shot in the laser tag room? A car accident at the bumper car ring? Perhaps the line at the snack stand gets unruly? Or maybe someone is playing a game and another kid runs by and steals the winner tickets. I actually thought about asking the policeman if there is really anything I should be concerned about. But I my lost my nerve because I figured he would confuse my curiosity with facetiousness.
So I get up the staircase and seriously there are a bazzillion table meant for birthday parties. They could seriously have about 100 parties at one time. Talk about headache!! I don't know about you, my reader friends, but I can only take kids in small doses. The party I went to only had about 12 kids, but now I'm surrounded by a swarm of other people's kids. Ugh! I want to die. Some of you would say, "just drop your kids off and pick them up at the end of the party." But I can't do that! I can't leave my kids alone in a huge place like this. What if they get lost from their group? It took me a few minutes just to find the stairs for the party room, with all the obstacles blocking my view. Imagine being 3 feet high and trying to find it. They would totally freak. However, when the party "leader" ( an employee who has been assigned to take care of this particular party) takes the group down to do their activities..I do give them their independence and stay up in the party room. Maybe if they are smart enough they will put out pitchers of beer. (For future references, they are not that smart.) Anyway, the kids go downstairs and next thing I know, maybe 15 minutes later they are back up for pizza and cake. What the hell? 15 minutes of playing? What kind of party is that? A lame one, that's what kind. Then the kids spend like another hour eating pizza and cake. Snooze. Seriously, a venue like this and they only did two things. Laser tag and then when on this ride that goes up and down. I seriously had about 4 times as many activities at my daughter's birthday party, and it was in my backyard!
Ok, so they eat the pizza and cake and bamm, party over! Really, I spent $40 on birthday presents (it was a party for twins) and this only took up about an hour? What a waste. Dollar for dollar, the movies would have been a better choice to kill time. The worst part of the party actually occurs here. They hand out the goodie bags and inside are tokens to play games! Hooray! Not! So I get to spend MORE time at the loud and crowded arcade. It wouldn't be so bad if my kids would stay together. One wanted to go one way and the other wanted to go the other way. I can't possibly keep my eye on both kids at the same time if they are at two different locations in this arcade! I seriously start to panic. Of course they don't even wait for me to say that we need to stick together. They grab their tokens and take off. Even if I yell in my extremely loud Mommy voice, I still won't be heard.
I finally round them up. I try to explain taking turns but the reality is, they didn't even want to play the games. They wanted to do the things that were "extras", stuff I would have to pay for myself! Fuck that! I'm not going to a birthday party and then spending my own money on top of buying a gift. That's just insane. They wanted to go on the bumper cars, see the 3d movie and go in some foam thing, that I don't even know what it is other than I would have to buy a ticket for. Mean mom takes over and I tell my kids "hell no." They can play the games that they have tokens for.
Really, at this point I'm exhausted and frustrated. I want out! I let my kids play one more game each and then I tell them I'll buy them a present (not one behind the ticket counter, where you have to win over 100,000 tickets just to swap it for a bag of M&M's.) if they let me leave. I told them that I'll hold onto their tokens and tickets they have won and we'll come back on a rainy day.
Not only did I throw it out the moment we got home, but I invested in some hypnotism so that they will forget I even made the offer to go back.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
NATIONAL DEBT
Ok, so I have to admit, when it comes to politics I am pretty stupid. Don't get me wrong, I have my strong opinions. For instance, I am a HUGE fan of the right to choose who you want to marry (same sex or opposite sex) and the right to choose if you want to procreate or not. I am also a firm believer in giving those people who are fortunate enough to be wealthy, the benefit of tax relief so that they can pour more money into the economy. I mean, why not? Let's say your mom stayed late at work one night and ended up making an extra $1,000.00 to spend. Would you prefer that she buy you something with that money; benefiting the shop she bought something from and benefiting you at the same time? Or would you rather go the route of "lets tax her more on that $1,000.00 and then give that amount to Joe Schmoe who feels entitled to that money because he is out of work and feels it's not worth his time to take a low paying job?"
Any way, my real issue is "THE BUDGET." In all the debates, a common theme is balancing the budget. Really? This deficit is trillions of dollars and beyond my comprehension. Is it an actual reality, of any political party, to really balance this budget? If the budget is balanced, does that mean that the US has repaid all it's debt to foreign countries and that any country we gave money to has paid us back? I really just don't get it.
When I think of what a budget is, I think of my family expenses. I know that I make a certain amount of money every month, and that when it comes to spending my money, I should keep it within the parameters of what I actually earn. Of course that does not happen, so I use my credit card which would causes my deficit. Is that how it works when it comes to the United States budget? If that's the case, what is the actual amount that the US is allowed to spend per month? Can't someone important hold the check book and if the government tries to spend more money after that monthly surplus has been used, that person just says no? I mean, I do it with MY kids. I really need someone to answer me. What is our allotted amount to make the budget work?
And who is that person who actually reconciles that check book? Can you imagine checking your account on line and seeing check numbered 2,578,001 for $75.00 and being like "what the heck is that? It's not written in my check register! Then shouting around the oval office "who wrote a check for $75.00 and what was it for?" Or seeing a debit card withdrawal at a gas station in Delaware. "Biden! Did you leave Washington and get gas????" " I told you to turn in all of your receipts!"
Let's just fantasize a minute here. Let's pretend I'm the President.
*In real life I would never, ever want to be president. You get called names, you are accused of being a liar when you actually tried your best to make things work. You do one bad thing in your childhood like smoking pot and all hell breaks lose. Seriously, to be president, you have to be the kind of kid who didn't even pick your nose because you know that will be held against you. I enjoy the kind of job that when the day is done I can go home, handle family matters and then veg out while watching Housewives.
Ok, back to ME being president. Let's pretend that I'm a fucking genius and I balanced the budget. HOORAY! I'm a national hero! It becomes a holiday and EVERYONE, including retail, gets the day off! Remember, I'm the genius who did something none of my predecessors ever did. There will not be amazing sales on this day. Ok, so I'm so happy that I balanced this huge checkbook that I decide to take my staff out for dinner and drinks. What do you mean, I should spend my OWN money? (I know you never said that, but it supports my story.) I'm taking work people out so I'm using the company credit card. Wait? I just spent government money! Does that mean that the budget is no longer balanced?????????? Did I just shoot myself in the foot with my victory celebration? crap!
In all honesty, why do they even bring up decreasing the National debt on debate? People don't care about that crap. They care about either getting goods and services for free (necessities like mobile phone and cigarettes) when they don't work, they care about if their mistresses can get an abortion if an oops was made, and they care if taxes are raised and some idiots care about giving ILLEGAL, yes I said ILLEGAL (as in those who decide the rules to become a citizen here are not applicable to them) immigrants the right to live here off our taxes, send their kids to the free schools and purchase petrolum to blow up our federal buildings. While I'm on a rant, it's amazing how almost everyone in this country has a platform that they want the government to support, but no one wants taxes raised. UH DUH, I'm the stupid one and even I know that you can't give money for all these programs / support groups and lower taxes at the same time. Where's the f'in money gonna come from? Let me tell you, if a candidate went on tv and said "listen, reducing your taxes just isn't going to happen. So I'm not going to even waste my breath. Just live with it and go on. As the years go on, prices for things will go up and it's just a fact of life so get over it." I WOULD TOTALLY VOTE FOR HIM. At least he's not trying to bullshit anyone.
The next candidate should just say that on behalf of our country, won't borrow any money, won't charge trips and dinners on the company credit cards, and if we are running low of money, we just say NO to those countries who put their hands out. If we happen to go past our budget for the month, then everyone just stays home, eats boxed macaroni and cheese and sucks it up until the next pay day. Mazel Tov, National debt resolved.
Any way, my real issue is "THE BUDGET." In all the debates, a common theme is balancing the budget. Really? This deficit is trillions of dollars and beyond my comprehension. Is it an actual reality, of any political party, to really balance this budget? If the budget is balanced, does that mean that the US has repaid all it's debt to foreign countries and that any country we gave money to has paid us back? I really just don't get it.
When I think of what a budget is, I think of my family expenses. I know that I make a certain amount of money every month, and that when it comes to spending my money, I should keep it within the parameters of what I actually earn. Of course that does not happen, so I use my credit card which would causes my deficit. Is that how it works when it comes to the United States budget? If that's the case, what is the actual amount that the US is allowed to spend per month? Can't someone important hold the check book and if the government tries to spend more money after that monthly surplus has been used, that person just says no? I mean, I do it with MY kids. I really need someone to answer me. What is our allotted amount to make the budget work?
And who is that person who actually reconciles that check book? Can you imagine checking your account on line and seeing check numbered 2,578,001 for $75.00 and being like "what the heck is that? It's not written in my check register! Then shouting around the oval office "who wrote a check for $75.00 and what was it for?" Or seeing a debit card withdrawal at a gas station in Delaware. "Biden! Did you leave Washington and get gas????" " I told you to turn in all of your receipts!"
Let's just fantasize a minute here. Let's pretend I'm the President.
*In real life I would never, ever want to be president. You get called names, you are accused of being a liar when you actually tried your best to make things work. You do one bad thing in your childhood like smoking pot and all hell breaks lose. Seriously, to be president, you have to be the kind of kid who didn't even pick your nose because you know that will be held against you. I enjoy the kind of job that when the day is done I can go home, handle family matters and then veg out while watching Housewives.
Ok, back to ME being president. Let's pretend that I'm a fucking genius and I balanced the budget. HOORAY! I'm a national hero! It becomes a holiday and EVERYONE, including retail, gets the day off! Remember, I'm the genius who did something none of my predecessors ever did. There will not be amazing sales on this day. Ok, so I'm so happy that I balanced this huge checkbook that I decide to take my staff out for dinner and drinks. What do you mean, I should spend my OWN money? (I know you never said that, but it supports my story.) I'm taking work people out so I'm using the company credit card. Wait? I just spent government money! Does that mean that the budget is no longer balanced?????????? Did I just shoot myself in the foot with my victory celebration? crap!
In all honesty, why do they even bring up decreasing the National debt on debate? People don't care about that crap. They care about either getting goods and services for free (necessities like mobile phone and cigarettes) when they don't work, they care about if their mistresses can get an abortion if an oops was made, and they care if taxes are raised and some idiots care about giving ILLEGAL, yes I said ILLEGAL (as in those who decide the rules to become a citizen here are not applicable to them) immigrants the right to live here off our taxes, send their kids to the free schools and purchase petrolum to blow up our federal buildings. While I'm on a rant, it's amazing how almost everyone in this country has a platform that they want the government to support, but no one wants taxes raised. UH DUH, I'm the stupid one and even I know that you can't give money for all these programs / support groups and lower taxes at the same time. Where's the f'in money gonna come from? Let me tell you, if a candidate went on tv and said "listen, reducing your taxes just isn't going to happen. So I'm not going to even waste my breath. Just live with it and go on. As the years go on, prices for things will go up and it's just a fact of life so get over it." I WOULD TOTALLY VOTE FOR HIM. At least he's not trying to bullshit anyone.
The next candidate should just say that on behalf of our country, won't borrow any money, won't charge trips and dinners on the company credit cards, and if we are running low of money, we just say NO to those countries who put their hands out. If we happen to go past our budget for the month, then everyone just stays home, eats boxed macaroni and cheese and sucks it up until the next pay day. Mazel Tov, National debt resolved.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Back to School
A lot of mom's get excited about back to school time. But those are the moms who don't work and over the summer torture themselves by not sending their kids to camp and having to find ways to entertain the kids. They can't wait for their kids to be in school all day so that they can spend the rest of their day either having lunch with friends and complaining about how hard it is to be a stay at home mom OR they are actually staying home folding laundry while talking on the phone with their friends and complaining about being a stay at home mom. Yeah, like it's so friggin hard to do your grocery shopping ALONE without your kids annoying you, or having between 9 and 3 to make dinner and clean your house instead of doing it all on weekends only. Ok, I'm getting off topic here. Let's get back to the topic: Going back to school.
I hate back to school time. I remember when I was younger, the year felt like it was in two equal seasons. School and summer. I started to get depressed in August knowing September was just around the corner. I actually liked school but I loved summer and never wanted it to end.
I hate back to school time even more now that I'm a mother. Making lunches every night, running to the supermarket at 10:00 at night because you ran out of deli meat (lunch meat as you gentiles call it.) because you're not allowed to give your kid a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. In some cases, cooking and packing dinners too because you don't have time to go home and serve a meal between when work ends and that pesky after school sport / activity starts. Finally having a moment to look at all those crumpled papers in your kid's back pack, only to find the one about the diorama due the fucking next day and now you have to drive to A.C. Moore or Michaels to buy art supplies. Too bad it's after bed time so you have to do it while your kid sleeps and then coach your kid in the morning on how he or she is to convince the teacher they did it themselves. Sounds great, huh? Maybe I should home school. Then I would be better prepared. I really don't think I'm smart enough to home school. I'm afraid my kids will grow up dumb and it would be all my fault.
Anyway, my real gripe with back to school is that dreaded SCHOOL SUPPLY LIST. It's absolutely ridiculous. When I was in elementary school, I don't even think I had to bring in pencils. I'm pretty sure the school supplied them. I think we had to bring in loose leaf notebooks and spiral notebooks. That's about it. I think we also had to use our own paper in the loose leaf paper in the notebooks. That was the good ole days. Here is a sampling of my daughter's school supply list. She's going into kindergarten:
1. 9 large Elmer glue sticks. NINE????? Now, keep in mind, the list states to have this stuff the first day of school. It didn't suggest she come in with two and then perhaps replenish every month. The teacher wants NINE and on the first day. If I give my daughter nine glue sticks..eight of them are getting lost by day two. Or, what will happen is, instead of her using one, and then when that one runs out, she uses the second and so on...she will use all nine at one time. One project will take as long because she will want to take turns with the glue sticks. I can assure you. Then, by Thanksgiving break, she will have maybe 2 left (7 will be lost) and the two that are left will be full of glitter, or dried out or just unusable. This kindergarten teacher must be new or she must not have experience with child behavior. My last thought is that perhaps she has a glue sniffing habit to feed. Also, I'm wondering if she specified "Elmer's" glue intentionally. Did she say Elmer's because that's the most popular brand? Kind of like saying "Kleenex" instead of tissues? Or is she really insistent on that brand? Fuck that. Whatever glue they sell at the dollar store...that's what she's getting. She wants to get all high and mighty about the brand, she can splurge for the luxury.
2. Two boxes of crayons. Each box has to be 24 crayons. 48 crayons times 20 kids. Hmmm. She really needs 90 crayons??? Are they melting them down for a mural? My kids go to chain restaurants with me and they are given 3 colors. It occupies them for almost an hour. I guess the teacher can fill an entire school day of coloring if she insists they use each color.
3. 2 boxes of graham crackers. We already pack a lunch and snack, so I'm not quite sure what the graham crackers are for. One parent suggested that they ask for it in case another kid forgot or does not like their snack. I don't know...I think this falls under the too fucking bad category for me. If I pack a snack that my kid won't eat, she can be hungry. Offering her another choice would just enable her to expect choices when there are none. Plus, I would think a parent would know by this time what their kid will or will not eat. Pack something they will eat. Done. An alternative thought on why we are asked for graham crackers would be related to the glue. Maybe they sniff all that glue and it makes them crave crackers.
4. A bottle of liquid soap? Wouldn't this fall under custodial supplies? Can't they get this bulk? Maybe even at a discount since a school is non profit? I'm not asking for the teachers to pay for this but perhaps it can come from the random school supply fund. Why stop at soap? Just send a note home asking for toilet paper. I'm sure they would demand two ply.
5. Two bottles of hand sanitizer and 2 large canisters of disinfecting wipes. See #4 above.
6. 10 pencils. Three will need to be sharpened in desk at all times. I went above and beyond expectations here and sharpened all ten. Go ahead, call me a brown noser.
7. 1 Pink eraser. I really want to just rebel and get another colored eraser. Will the teacher return it home with a note? Will she make a note in my daughter's file that I don't adhere to rules? Why the frig does it have to be pink?
8. 4 Jumbo book sleeves. Ok, so I graduated high school in 1988. It was a while ago but it certainly wasn't the olden days. What the fuck is a book sleeve? So I asked some tweens at Staples to show me the light. They are nylon book covers. Whaat? Why can't I cover her books with paper grocery bags like we did? First of all, you can't even doodle on these book sleeves when you're bored. Second of all, why should I spend money on something that I can get as a perk when I go grocery shopping? These kids have no fun at school anymore!
Ok, so as a reminder, the above is a SAMPLE of her list. There's more. I feel like I should just buy the teacher a gift card and tell her to go nuts. Really, by next year I wouldn't be surprised if they added to the list Keurig K cups for the teacher's lounge, Chalk for the black board, balls for gym class and frozen vegetables and boxed mashed potatos for the cafeteria.
I think I'll nominate myself to be president of the PTA. My platform will be no shopping for school supplies! Instead, I'll mail out a bill to each parent in September. This invoice will state that it's for miscellaneous school supplies and as an extra bonus, pay an additional fee of $50.00 and we won't hound you to buy wrapping paper or some crappy candy from a catalogue that you won't eat anyway. I'm certain I'll be deemed best PTA President ever!!!!!!
I hate back to school time. I remember when I was younger, the year felt like it was in two equal seasons. School and summer. I started to get depressed in August knowing September was just around the corner. I actually liked school but I loved summer and never wanted it to end.
I hate back to school time even more now that I'm a mother. Making lunches every night, running to the supermarket at 10:00 at night because you ran out of deli meat (lunch meat as you gentiles call it.) because you're not allowed to give your kid a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. In some cases, cooking and packing dinners too because you don't have time to go home and serve a meal between when work ends and that pesky after school sport / activity starts. Finally having a moment to look at all those crumpled papers in your kid's back pack, only to find the one about the diorama due the fucking next day and now you have to drive to A.C. Moore or Michaels to buy art supplies. Too bad it's after bed time so you have to do it while your kid sleeps and then coach your kid in the morning on how he or she is to convince the teacher they did it themselves. Sounds great, huh? Maybe I should home school. Then I would be better prepared. I really don't think I'm smart enough to home school. I'm afraid my kids will grow up dumb and it would be all my fault.
Anyway, my real gripe with back to school is that dreaded SCHOOL SUPPLY LIST. It's absolutely ridiculous. When I was in elementary school, I don't even think I had to bring in pencils. I'm pretty sure the school supplied them. I think we had to bring in loose leaf notebooks and spiral notebooks. That's about it. I think we also had to use our own paper in the loose leaf paper in the notebooks. That was the good ole days. Here is a sampling of my daughter's school supply list. She's going into kindergarten:
1. 9 large Elmer glue sticks. NINE????? Now, keep in mind, the list states to have this stuff the first day of school. It didn't suggest she come in with two and then perhaps replenish every month. The teacher wants NINE and on the first day. If I give my daughter nine glue sticks..eight of them are getting lost by day two. Or, what will happen is, instead of her using one, and then when that one runs out, she uses the second and so on...she will use all nine at one time. One project will take as long because she will want to take turns with the glue sticks. I can assure you. Then, by Thanksgiving break, she will have maybe 2 left (7 will be lost) and the two that are left will be full of glitter, or dried out or just unusable. This kindergarten teacher must be new or she must not have experience with child behavior. My last thought is that perhaps she has a glue sniffing habit to feed. Also, I'm wondering if she specified "Elmer's" glue intentionally. Did she say Elmer's because that's the most popular brand? Kind of like saying "Kleenex" instead of tissues? Or is she really insistent on that brand? Fuck that. Whatever glue they sell at the dollar store...that's what she's getting. She wants to get all high and mighty about the brand, she can splurge for the luxury.
2. Two boxes of crayons. Each box has to be 24 crayons. 48 crayons times 20 kids. Hmmm. She really needs 90 crayons??? Are they melting them down for a mural? My kids go to chain restaurants with me and they are given 3 colors. It occupies them for almost an hour. I guess the teacher can fill an entire school day of coloring if she insists they use each color.
3. 2 boxes of graham crackers. We already pack a lunch and snack, so I'm not quite sure what the graham crackers are for. One parent suggested that they ask for it in case another kid forgot or does not like their snack. I don't know...I think this falls under the too fucking bad category for me. If I pack a snack that my kid won't eat, she can be hungry. Offering her another choice would just enable her to expect choices when there are none. Plus, I would think a parent would know by this time what their kid will or will not eat. Pack something they will eat. Done. An alternative thought on why we are asked for graham crackers would be related to the glue. Maybe they sniff all that glue and it makes them crave crackers.
4. A bottle of liquid soap? Wouldn't this fall under custodial supplies? Can't they get this bulk? Maybe even at a discount since a school is non profit? I'm not asking for the teachers to pay for this but perhaps it can come from the random school supply fund. Why stop at soap? Just send a note home asking for toilet paper. I'm sure they would demand two ply.
5. Two bottles of hand sanitizer and 2 large canisters of disinfecting wipes. See #4 above.
6. 10 pencils. Three will need to be sharpened in desk at all times. I went above and beyond expectations here and sharpened all ten. Go ahead, call me a brown noser.
7. 1 Pink eraser. I really want to just rebel and get another colored eraser. Will the teacher return it home with a note? Will she make a note in my daughter's file that I don't adhere to rules? Why the frig does it have to be pink?
8. 4 Jumbo book sleeves. Ok, so I graduated high school in 1988. It was a while ago but it certainly wasn't the olden days. What the fuck is a book sleeve? So I asked some tweens at Staples to show me the light. They are nylon book covers. Whaat? Why can't I cover her books with paper grocery bags like we did? First of all, you can't even doodle on these book sleeves when you're bored. Second of all, why should I spend money on something that I can get as a perk when I go grocery shopping? These kids have no fun at school anymore!
Ok, so as a reminder, the above is a SAMPLE of her list. There's more. I feel like I should just buy the teacher a gift card and tell her to go nuts. Really, by next year I wouldn't be surprised if they added to the list Keurig K cups for the teacher's lounge, Chalk for the black board, balls for gym class and frozen vegetables and boxed mashed potatos for the cafeteria.
I think I'll nominate myself to be president of the PTA. My platform will be no shopping for school supplies! Instead, I'll mail out a bill to each parent in September. This invoice will state that it's for miscellaneous school supplies and as an extra bonus, pay an additional fee of $50.00 and we won't hound you to buy wrapping paper or some crappy candy from a catalogue that you won't eat anyway. I'm certain I'll be deemed best PTA President ever!!!!!!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Boob Tube
I usually try to write about light hearted things. Some self deprecating humor or some recent news event that just ticks me off which I attempt to twist into a laughable article.
This time, I here to bitch and moan and rat out a HUGE corporation..... I'M TAKING ON THE BIG GUYS! Feeling like Norma Rae or Erin Brokovitch. COMCAST CABLE, I'm on your ass!!!
I like to think that I'm at least average in intelligence. I never failed a class, got a lot of C's but a good share of A's and B's. Heck, in college I even made the Dean's List. Of course that was the semester that I had "Officiating" and "Deviant Behavior" in my curriculum...but that's irrelevant. I got the scores. When it comes to figuring out a cable bill or even dealing with speaking with someone about my account, my brain just not function at full capacity. I understand their logic is to confuse the hell out of you just so you eventually throw in the towel and sign up for all of their services or pay the full bill they are charging whether it's legitimate or not. Kind of like a car salesman. You sit there for hours, as though you are being interrogated. Finally, you're so torn down and desperate to give up that you just buy the damn car for thousands more than you should have or wanted to spend. That's how they get ya!
Anyway, this post isn't really about my bill. It's about the unethical practice I just encountered with Comcast Cablevision. It's IMPOSSIBLE to reach someone there to tattle. I have tried. I'm sure it was easier for the U.S. Military to track down Sadam Hussain than it is to air a grievance to a human at Comcast. I hope this post goes friggin viral (hint hint) so that everyone who has Comcast cancels their service and that every potential customer reads this and decides to use a competitor instead. Go ahead, Comcast, just try and sue me for liable. Uh, you can't because everything I am about to write is true. Also, you can't get blood from a stone, if you know what I'm saying. Maybe they will serve me papers...at least then I'll have a valid contact number.
So, we are moving into a new home. One of our tasks was to sign up for cable for phone, tv and internet. Three essential household items, that quite frankly if I had to live without I think I would actually survive. One day when we were doing some work to the house, prior to moving in, a salesman rang the bell. Let me tell you, it was friggin HOT out that day! If I were a salesman, I might have taken the day off, or tried to sell inside a mall where it's air conditioned. The guy was working hard! He said that he was canvasing the neighborhood and ringing the bells of homes of people that currently were not Comcast customers. He asked if we could spare a few minutes of our time. "Sure!" we answered. It was something we had to do anyway and it would save us several hours of being on hold or listening to a customer service representative on the phone. Mr. Baxter ended up giving us a great deal. No deposit required, free movie channels, 1 free DVR, no contract, a bunch of crap I didn't need for free, and more. The price was very reasonable but not so unreasonable that it would be a scam. He gave us a phone number too. Perfect! I had to enroll my children in school and I could give them my phone number! We explained that we were not actually going to move into the home until August, so we set up an August installation date (it was beginning of July or end of June, I can't remember.) He obliged. Perfect. He left, leaving his business card with his cell phone number. Hooray! No more customer service. I would be harassing, if need be, Mr. Baxter from now on. We set the time for afternoon installation, and then we got an invitation for a surprise party. We decided to switch it to a morning appointment.
Well, a couple of weeks later I get a call from "Fassir" at Comcast Cable. He wanted to know why we canceled our installation and if there was anything he could do to win us back. I was confused, thinking that maybe darling husband already called to switch the time, and I replied "Oh no. We don't want to cancel, just move up the installation time." The guy then ignores my comment and goes on to give me a list of channels and internet speed times and a bunch of nonsense for a low price of xxx. I was very confused as to why he was doing this when I already signed up for my service and channels. I said to him, "I'm at work, I will need to call you back." Which was the truth, I did not have the time to deal with bullshit at that moment. I got his number and actually did bring it home with me to call him back. Before I could even call him back, around dinner time my cell rings. It's Joe Shmoe from Comcast and apparently Fassir told him to call me. Oh boy. Let the games begin. I went on to explain that no, my service was not canceled and I just want to move the appointment from the afternoon to the morning. That's all. Then HE goes on with "the great deal he can give me." I told him that Mr. Baxter gave me price of $89.00 a month and that included (I listed the services.) Mr. Shmoe answers that he can give me the same crap plus throw in Showtime for $79.00 a month. Then a light bulb went off...Hey! He's trying to steal the business from Mr. Baxter! WHAT A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG. Mr. Baxter is the one that walked around the neighborhood. Mr. Baxter is the one who took the initiative to make the sale. Don't steal his commission, you bastard. I put my husband on the phone who scolds him, calls him a name and hangs up. Keep in mind, my husband is a salesman. And even if he wasn't, it's just not the right thing to do to steal someone else's sale. It's unethical and even worse, just mean and obnoxious. Everyone deserves the opportunity to make money, especially the ones that go out and make an effort to get the sale.
I immediately go to call Mr. Baxter but of course, I can't find his business card. I Google him. I find him on LinkedIn. I send him a message to contact me. I want to tell him what his colleagues are up to. He does not respond. Oh well, I tried.
So, as moving day approached, I call Comcast to confirm my appointment and make sure the time was moved to the morning. The first battle was actually finding a phone number! Damn, did I throw out Mr. Baxter's card? I could really use it about now. There is a Comcast in the same town, one of those walk in customer service places. This place has bulletproof glass between the representative and the customer. The reps are properly protected. Now I know why. After the conversation and frustration I had, I really wanted to go there just to choke somebody. Well, when I checked information, there was no number for this location. After an exhausting search, I finally found a number and got through.
I explain that I want to confirm my installation and the woman on the other end tells me that it has been cancelled. WHAT???? Those jerk heads!! Not only that, but the phone number that was assigned to me is no longer available. Crap! I already gave it out to school officials and other VIP's. So even if I go forth with Cablevision again, I would have a different number. I go through the whole story about dumb and dumber calling me to change my service and after the rep is done pretending to listen to me, she starts giving me her spiel of what offer she can give me. OH MY GOD, I feel the aneurysm growing in my head. All these products, internet speed, crap I don't care about all over again. All for the wonderful price of DOUBLE WHAT MR. BAXTER GAVE ME PLUS A $200 DEPOSIT! What the fuck? I ask her, why in the world would I sign up for that service when it's way more money? She explains that the telemarketers get much better deals than the in-house reps. So I said forget it, that I would just wait for another telemarketer to contact me. Then she sings another song and decides she can waive the deposit and throw in other useless movie channels included in the same price. Great, so more stations to thumb through and bypass during my channel surfing. Fortunately, I was really at work and my phone was ringing. I explained I had to go and she said she would call me back. Of course I ignored her calls.
I then decided that Comcast is in the business of Bait and Switch. Remember that from Marketing 101? I do! They lure you in with an advertisement of one price, and then when you inquire, that product or price is no longer available..but they DO have this product at a higher price. So even if I pay more per month signing up with another provider, it's the principal of the matter. NO THANK YOU COMCRAP, I mean Comcast. I'll go with Verizon.
Comcast, go screw yourself. If I were Amish and I was trying to convert, my selling point would be "hey, no electricity. You never have to deal with cable companies again...and you get an automatic entry into heaven." Sounds win win to me.
This time, I here to bitch and moan and rat out a HUGE corporation..... I'M TAKING ON THE BIG GUYS! Feeling like Norma Rae or Erin Brokovitch. COMCAST CABLE, I'm on your ass!!!
I like to think that I'm at least average in intelligence. I never failed a class, got a lot of C's but a good share of A's and B's. Heck, in college I even made the Dean's List. Of course that was the semester that I had "Officiating" and "Deviant Behavior" in my curriculum...but that's irrelevant. I got the scores. When it comes to figuring out a cable bill or even dealing with speaking with someone about my account, my brain just not function at full capacity. I understand their logic is to confuse the hell out of you just so you eventually throw in the towel and sign up for all of their services or pay the full bill they are charging whether it's legitimate or not. Kind of like a car salesman. You sit there for hours, as though you are being interrogated. Finally, you're so torn down and desperate to give up that you just buy the damn car for thousands more than you should have or wanted to spend. That's how they get ya!
Anyway, this post isn't really about my bill. It's about the unethical practice I just encountered with Comcast Cablevision. It's IMPOSSIBLE to reach someone there to tattle. I have tried. I'm sure it was easier for the U.S. Military to track down Sadam Hussain than it is to air a grievance to a human at Comcast. I hope this post goes friggin viral (hint hint) so that everyone who has Comcast cancels their service and that every potential customer reads this and decides to use a competitor instead. Go ahead, Comcast, just try and sue me for liable. Uh, you can't because everything I am about to write is true. Also, you can't get blood from a stone, if you know what I'm saying. Maybe they will serve me papers...at least then I'll have a valid contact number.
So, we are moving into a new home. One of our tasks was to sign up for cable for phone, tv and internet. Three essential household items, that quite frankly if I had to live without I think I would actually survive. One day when we were doing some work to the house, prior to moving in, a salesman rang the bell. Let me tell you, it was friggin HOT out that day! If I were a salesman, I might have taken the day off, or tried to sell inside a mall where it's air conditioned. The guy was working hard! He said that he was canvasing the neighborhood and ringing the bells of homes of people that currently were not Comcast customers. He asked if we could spare a few minutes of our time. "Sure!" we answered. It was something we had to do anyway and it would save us several hours of being on hold or listening to a customer service representative on the phone. Mr. Baxter ended up giving us a great deal. No deposit required, free movie channels, 1 free DVR, no contract, a bunch of crap I didn't need for free, and more. The price was very reasonable but not so unreasonable that it would be a scam. He gave us a phone number too. Perfect! I had to enroll my children in school and I could give them my phone number! We explained that we were not actually going to move into the home until August, so we set up an August installation date (it was beginning of July or end of June, I can't remember.) He obliged. Perfect. He left, leaving his business card with his cell phone number. Hooray! No more customer service. I would be harassing, if need be, Mr. Baxter from now on. We set the time for afternoon installation, and then we got an invitation for a surprise party. We decided to switch it to a morning appointment.
Well, a couple of weeks later I get a call from "Fassir" at Comcast Cable. He wanted to know why we canceled our installation and if there was anything he could do to win us back. I was confused, thinking that maybe darling husband already called to switch the time, and I replied "Oh no. We don't want to cancel, just move up the installation time." The guy then ignores my comment and goes on to give me a list of channels and internet speed times and a bunch of nonsense for a low price of xxx. I was very confused as to why he was doing this when I already signed up for my service and channels. I said to him, "I'm at work, I will need to call you back." Which was the truth, I did not have the time to deal with bullshit at that moment. I got his number and actually did bring it home with me to call him back. Before I could even call him back, around dinner time my cell rings. It's Joe Shmoe from Comcast and apparently Fassir told him to call me. Oh boy. Let the games begin. I went on to explain that no, my service was not canceled and I just want to move the appointment from the afternoon to the morning. That's all. Then HE goes on with "the great deal he can give me." I told him that Mr. Baxter gave me price of $89.00 a month and that included (I listed the services.) Mr. Shmoe answers that he can give me the same crap plus throw in Showtime for $79.00 a month. Then a light bulb went off...Hey! He's trying to steal the business from Mr. Baxter! WHAT A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG. Mr. Baxter is the one that walked around the neighborhood. Mr. Baxter is the one who took the initiative to make the sale. Don't steal his commission, you bastard. I put my husband on the phone who scolds him, calls him a name and hangs up. Keep in mind, my husband is a salesman. And even if he wasn't, it's just not the right thing to do to steal someone else's sale. It's unethical and even worse, just mean and obnoxious. Everyone deserves the opportunity to make money, especially the ones that go out and make an effort to get the sale.
I immediately go to call Mr. Baxter but of course, I can't find his business card. I Google him. I find him on LinkedIn. I send him a message to contact me. I want to tell him what his colleagues are up to. He does not respond. Oh well, I tried.
So, as moving day approached, I call Comcast to confirm my appointment and make sure the time was moved to the morning. The first battle was actually finding a phone number! Damn, did I throw out Mr. Baxter's card? I could really use it about now. There is a Comcast in the same town, one of those walk in customer service places. This place has bulletproof glass between the representative and the customer. The reps are properly protected. Now I know why. After the conversation and frustration I had, I really wanted to go there just to choke somebody. Well, when I checked information, there was no number for this location. After an exhausting search, I finally found a number and got through.
I explain that I want to confirm my installation and the woman on the other end tells me that it has been cancelled. WHAT???? Those jerk heads!! Not only that, but the phone number that was assigned to me is no longer available. Crap! I already gave it out to school officials and other VIP's. So even if I go forth with Cablevision again, I would have a different number. I go through the whole story about dumb and dumber calling me to change my service and after the rep is done pretending to listen to me, she starts giving me her spiel of what offer she can give me. OH MY GOD, I feel the aneurysm growing in my head. All these products, internet speed, crap I don't care about all over again. All for the wonderful price of DOUBLE WHAT MR. BAXTER GAVE ME PLUS A $200 DEPOSIT! What the fuck? I ask her, why in the world would I sign up for that service when it's way more money? She explains that the telemarketers get much better deals than the in-house reps. So I said forget it, that I would just wait for another telemarketer to contact me. Then she sings another song and decides she can waive the deposit and throw in other useless movie channels included in the same price. Great, so more stations to thumb through and bypass during my channel surfing. Fortunately, I was really at work and my phone was ringing. I explained I had to go and she said she would call me back. Of course I ignored her calls.
I then decided that Comcast is in the business of Bait and Switch. Remember that from Marketing 101? I do! They lure you in with an advertisement of one price, and then when you inquire, that product or price is no longer available..but they DO have this product at a higher price. So even if I pay more per month signing up with another provider, it's the principal of the matter. NO THANK YOU COMCRAP, I mean Comcast. I'll go with Verizon.
Comcast, go screw yourself. If I were Amish and I was trying to convert, my selling point would be "hey, no electricity. You never have to deal with cable companies again...and you get an automatic entry into heaven." Sounds win win to me.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Suit yourself
I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!
Bathing suit shopping HAS to be the most unpleasant and frustrating chore for me.
It used to be fun. Of course that was before I bore kids when I was a size two and didn't mind flaunting myself in a two piece. Those damn kids! Well, I guess I have a little culpability too. I mean, before kids I also went to the gym regularly and didn't finish other people's breakfast and dinner plates because I didn't want to waste the food. I want to go back in time when I tried on a bathing suit in the dressing room and didn't break down in tears. Speaking of dressing rooms..they should totally be sound proof. I'm sure the other women were curious as to what kind of weirdo was muttering and cursing to herself in the dressing room next door. I'm surprised they didn't call security.
There is also a relatively new trend (I'm talking maybe the past 15 years or so) that is just sooo annoying. This is the marketing approach of selling the top separately from the bottom. WHY???? Ok, I totally get that it increases profit. Instead of selling one 2 piece bathing suit for $30.00, they can sell the top for $20.00 and the bottom for $15.00, increasing their profit by $5.00. That's a no brainer. You know what, save me the fucking aggravation of walking around the store trying to find the god damn matching bottom and I'll pay the extra five dollars. I swear to God, I spent a good 1/2 hour looking for a bottom to go with the top I picked out. I know it does not have to matchy-match but I would like something at least similar! I got so frustrated that I gave up and went to the one pieces. I found a couple that I liked and grabbed my size. I then notice the brand label and it reads "long torso!". Fuck...I am the exact opposite of a long torso. There were only three one pieces and not one of them was a normal, not long torso suit. Back to the drawing board.
Here is the most frustrating issue I had to endure. Albeit, this is not limited to bathing suits but has a much more severe impact when cramming your body into Lycra. I would get to the dressing rooms with my size 6's. I would try them on and it would be sooo freaking tight, I couldn't even pull it down past my belly. How discouraging!! How can my clothes be one size and bathing suits another? I go back to the floor and pull out more sizes. I go back to the dressing room, head down, shoulders slumped, like a walk of shame. This time, however, I notice that the size posted on the plastic thingy on the hanger is NOT the same size as the label on the suit. GeeeZus Christ! No wonder why the suits are not fitting..I probably (and hopefully) got the wrong size. But it just pisses me off because why can't the person who is in charge of hanging up the suits just match up the size with the hanger. It should be easy...my daughter who is in pre-school can match!
I walked out of that dressing room so aggravated and hopeless. Will I ever find a suit that fits? Will I ever even find a bottom that belongs to a top? I was seriously hoping to run into a store manager because I really needed to vent. He or she was going to get such an earful that I'm sure they would go home and tell their spouse how they had a heated discussion with a crazy lady.
I'm starting to think these nudist colonies have the right idea. Everyone looks horrible, they don't have to worry about hiding it, and nobody wants to look anyway. Or I'm hoping that wetsuits will be the next fashion sensation.
Bathing suit shopping HAS to be the most unpleasant and frustrating chore for me.
It used to be fun. Of course that was before I bore kids when I was a size two and didn't mind flaunting myself in a two piece. Those damn kids! Well, I guess I have a little culpability too. I mean, before kids I also went to the gym regularly and didn't finish other people's breakfast and dinner plates because I didn't want to waste the food. I want to go back in time when I tried on a bathing suit in the dressing room and didn't break down in tears. Speaking of dressing rooms..they should totally be sound proof. I'm sure the other women were curious as to what kind of weirdo was muttering and cursing to herself in the dressing room next door. I'm surprised they didn't call security.
There is also a relatively new trend (I'm talking maybe the past 15 years or so) that is just sooo annoying. This is the marketing approach of selling the top separately from the bottom. WHY???? Ok, I totally get that it increases profit. Instead of selling one 2 piece bathing suit for $30.00, they can sell the top for $20.00 and the bottom for $15.00, increasing their profit by $5.00. That's a no brainer. You know what, save me the fucking aggravation of walking around the store trying to find the god damn matching bottom and I'll pay the extra five dollars. I swear to God, I spent a good 1/2 hour looking for a bottom to go with the top I picked out. I know it does not have to matchy-match but I would like something at least similar! I got so frustrated that I gave up and went to the one pieces. I found a couple that I liked and grabbed my size. I then notice the brand label and it reads "long torso!". Fuck...I am the exact opposite of a long torso. There were only three one pieces and not one of them was a normal, not long torso suit. Back to the drawing board.
Here is the most frustrating issue I had to endure. Albeit, this is not limited to bathing suits but has a much more severe impact when cramming your body into Lycra. I would get to the dressing rooms with my size 6's. I would try them on and it would be sooo freaking tight, I couldn't even pull it down past my belly. How discouraging!! How can my clothes be one size and bathing suits another? I go back to the floor and pull out more sizes. I go back to the dressing room, head down, shoulders slumped, like a walk of shame. This time, however, I notice that the size posted on the plastic thingy on the hanger is NOT the same size as the label on the suit. GeeeZus Christ! No wonder why the suits are not fitting..I probably (and hopefully) got the wrong size. But it just pisses me off because why can't the person who is in charge of hanging up the suits just match up the size with the hanger. It should be easy...my daughter who is in pre-school can match!
I walked out of that dressing room so aggravated and hopeless. Will I ever find a suit that fits? Will I ever even find a bottom that belongs to a top? I was seriously hoping to run into a store manager because I really needed to vent. He or she was going to get such an earful that I'm sure they would go home and tell their spouse how they had a heated discussion with a crazy lady.
I'm starting to think these nudist colonies have the right idea. Everyone looks horrible, they don't have to worry about hiding it, and nobody wants to look anyway. Or I'm hoping that wetsuits will be the next fashion sensation.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Soda Jerk
In order to attempt to curb obesity, the mayor of New York wants to make it illegal to sell "sugary drinks" that are larger than 16 ounces.
Is he high?
I am so outraged! (Of course I am, or this post wouldn't exist.) Not because I need my Big Gulp or Slurpee. I am out of my mind wondering when the insanity is going to end. Leave fat people alone already! Dictator Bloomberg does not need to ban the sale of large sodas to get people in shape. This doesn't actually apply to just soda. It's sugary drinks which could include juice and lemonade too. You're walking in the city with your family on a hot day. Would like a tasty drink that will also cool you off. You also don't want to get stuck holding every one's cup (come on moms...you know you're the one who gets stuck holding every one's shit until you find a garbage can.) Then you realize, oh no, you can't just buy one big lemonade for everyone to share. You now have to buy four lemonades so everyone can get their sip.
I watch people on the news and the idiots are like "Oh, it's a great idea. Soda is so unhealthy. Everything in moderation!" Yeah, great....we all know that soda isn't a healthy choice but don't these dopes realize that their right to drink it is slowly being violated? They are not seeing the big picture here. It starts with large sodas. What next? Will cotton candy be banned from carnivals? Will Tostidos be forbidden at barbecues? Go ahead, laugh. But these enjoyable, edible delights have no nutritional value either. Who is to say government won't eliminate these items as legal purchases? Let me tell you, I will probably go apeshit if Doritos are made illegal! I love them!
Imagine walking into a pizza shop and ordering a pie with extra cheese for your family. At first the guy behind the counter says, "Sorry, if we sell you a pizza with extra cheese we will be fined and could lose our license." You get upset because you just came from the gym, had a salad for lunch and don't feel like cooking dinner for your family. You agree to order the pie with no extra cheese but then you are told that you cannot order a whole pie anymore because the mayor decided everyone is too fat and he is afraid that someone might actually eat the whole pie by themselves. So now you have to pay $12.00 for 6 individual slices when you could have just bought a pie for a total of $2.00 less, had more slices and maybe even left overs for the next day.
Or, imagine going into a grocery store and the entire snack aisle is gone. You're P.M.S'ing and you just need something salty so that you don't punch a wall. Sorry, it's now illegal. You promised your kid an ice cream party for his birthday. Sorry, son. We'll have to have a broccoli party instead but to make it fun maybe we can dip the broccoli in ranch dressing. But they only sell the ranch dressing in 4 ounce bottles because anything larger would make people fat.
In all honesty, I'm not a huge soda drinker. I don't even think I ever bought a large gulp or a size larger than 16 ounce. If it is made illegal, it would not really effect my life. But if I do want to buy one, perhaps share it with my spouse or just have a nice large cup to put change in afterwards, I should be allowed to buy it. I don't need government telling me what I can and cannot swallow. I get mad when my husband does it, even madder when the government does.
By the way, this mayor also made it illegal to donate food to homeless shelters. Why? Because they could not assess the amount of salt, fat and fiber in these foods. Uh, sorry, but if I'm homeless and can't afford to buy food..I really don't give a shit if it has high salt and fat. I'm eating!!!!
Enough of the food police! Gluttony may be a sin..but it's not a federal offense.
Is he high?
I am so outraged! (Of course I am, or this post wouldn't exist.) Not because I need my Big Gulp or Slurpee. I am out of my mind wondering when the insanity is going to end. Leave fat people alone already! Dictator Bloomberg does not need to ban the sale of large sodas to get people in shape. This doesn't actually apply to just soda. It's sugary drinks which could include juice and lemonade too. You're walking in the city with your family on a hot day. Would like a tasty drink that will also cool you off. You also don't want to get stuck holding every one's cup (come on moms...you know you're the one who gets stuck holding every one's shit until you find a garbage can.) Then you realize, oh no, you can't just buy one big lemonade for everyone to share. You now have to buy four lemonades so everyone can get their sip.
I watch people on the news and the idiots are like "Oh, it's a great idea. Soda is so unhealthy. Everything in moderation!" Yeah, great....we all know that soda isn't a healthy choice but don't these dopes realize that their right to drink it is slowly being violated? They are not seeing the big picture here. It starts with large sodas. What next? Will cotton candy be banned from carnivals? Will Tostidos be forbidden at barbecues? Go ahead, laugh. But these enjoyable, edible delights have no nutritional value either. Who is to say government won't eliminate these items as legal purchases? Let me tell you, I will probably go apeshit if Doritos are made illegal! I love them!
Imagine walking into a pizza shop and ordering a pie with extra cheese for your family. At first the guy behind the counter says, "Sorry, if we sell you a pizza with extra cheese we will be fined and could lose our license." You get upset because you just came from the gym, had a salad for lunch and don't feel like cooking dinner for your family. You agree to order the pie with no extra cheese but then you are told that you cannot order a whole pie anymore because the mayor decided everyone is too fat and he is afraid that someone might actually eat the whole pie by themselves. So now you have to pay $12.00 for 6 individual slices when you could have just bought a pie for a total of $2.00 less, had more slices and maybe even left overs for the next day.
Or, imagine going into a grocery store and the entire snack aisle is gone. You're P.M.S'ing and you just need something salty so that you don't punch a wall. Sorry, it's now illegal. You promised your kid an ice cream party for his birthday. Sorry, son. We'll have to have a broccoli party instead but to make it fun maybe we can dip the broccoli in ranch dressing. But they only sell the ranch dressing in 4 ounce bottles because anything larger would make people fat.
In all honesty, I'm not a huge soda drinker. I don't even think I ever bought a large gulp or a size larger than 16 ounce. If it is made illegal, it would not really effect my life. But if I do want to buy one, perhaps share it with my spouse or just have a nice large cup to put change in afterwards, I should be allowed to buy it. I don't need government telling me what I can and cannot swallow. I get mad when my husband does it, even madder when the government does.
By the way, this mayor also made it illegal to donate food to homeless shelters. Why? Because they could not assess the amount of salt, fat and fiber in these foods. Uh, sorry, but if I'm homeless and can't afford to buy food..I really don't give a shit if it has high salt and fat. I'm eating!!!!
Enough of the food police! Gluttony may be a sin..but it's not a federal offense.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
I BREAST My Case
Ok, it's been a while since I blogged, but fucking blogger.com changed their format and I can't figure out how to use it. What is it with websites redecorating? Facebook did it and put my page on that stupid "timeline" which I fucking hate and now blogger.com did it to me too. I'm so annoyed. I'm from the school of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Anyway, that's not what this topic is about. I just had to vent. I'm done. Thank you.
Here's the real topic. Have you seen this?
http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2012/05/10/time_s_breastfeeding_cover.html
Or if you have some free time and really want to be grossed out, watch this:
The article is about a woman who still breast feeds her four year old son!!!!! Diiiii-sgu-sting!!!!! I want to throw up. (The video above is about a woman who breast feeds her grown daughters but I'll just focus on the article for now.)
I was never a big fan of breast feeding to begin with. I mean, I don't normally find it disgusting, but it just wasn't my thing. My first issue with breast feeding is that if you chose to do it, you're the one stuck feeding the kid. At 2:00 in the morning, dad gets to sleep and you have to get up and feed Jr. Dad wakes up and says "Well, I would do it, but I don't have boobs. So Sorry." I'm all for co-parenting. The baby can drink formula from a bottle and we can take turns getting up. My second issue, it fuckin hurts! The nipples get all chafed, your boobs get so sore when it fills up with milk. Really. Men have no idea. My boobs hurt sooo bad that I fantasized getting a steak knife and slicing them off. I gave it two weeks, tops, with both kids and gave up. Their half J.A.P., er, Jewish anyway, they would much rather have take out (i.e. store bought formula) than a home-made meal anyway.
To be honest with you, I don't actually see the health benefits. "They" (meaning articles I have read but cannot cite) say that a baby who drinks breast milk is healthier than a baby that does not. I have not witnessed that. A lot of babies that I KNOW were breast fed had ear infections, reflux, threw up all the time. This is the honest to god truth, my daughter threw up for the first time ever in her life when she was 2 1/2 years old. I know the year because it was the week that I brought baby #2 home from the hospital. She was so shocked, she had no idea what the heck just happened. Can any of you breast feeding moms tell me that your kid's first throw up was at 2 1/2 years old?
My last issue with breast feeding is that most (not all, don't yell at me) women who breast feed are like these self rightious aholes who throw it in your face and try to get you to join their cult. They look down at you like "ohhh, you don't breast feed?" Then they give you a list of reasons why you should. It's like, mind your own business you fucking Jehovah Breastness. Stop knocking on my door trying to show me the way.
Despite the above, I honestly don't have any issues with other people breast feeding. What ever floats your boat.
BUT THERE HAS GOT TO BE A CUTOFF!
Four years old is just waaaay to old to be doing this shit. At what point does it become incest?
"It’s really warm. It’s like embracing your mother, like a hug. You feel comforted, nurtured and really, really loved,” she said. “I had so much self-confidence as a child, and I know it’s from that. I never felt like she would ever leave me. I felt that security.” Direct quote from said breast feeding mother whom was breastfed herself until she was six years old.
Well guess what you friggin moron? My kids don't feel like they are being embraced, they actually are embraced. If I want them to feel the love of a hug...I hug them, god damn it. Oh, and breast feeding gives them confidence? How about just verbally encouraging your kid? Ever think of that? I am so glad that because she was breast fed until she was 6 years old, she never felt that her mother would leave her. I have a pretty good feeling that even though I bottle fed my kids formula, my kids know that they can count on me. I don't need them choppin on my nipple for them to not feel abandoned. Try having meals together, on a plate at a table. That's highly recommend for a cohesive family.
Ok, now lets see it from the kid's point of view. So mommy and Jr. are at the park. He runs up to her and says that he's thirsty. What? Does she just lift up her boob and let him take a gulp? Won't the other kids make fun of him? Or, you know how if a kid brings a toy or food somewhere and the parent / teacher says "You can't play with it / eat it unless you brought some for all." Does that still apply here?
I'm guessing he eats solid foods too. But what happens when he eats at a friend's house. Does he walk over to the mom and say "lift it, bitch." No really, I would not expect a four year old to say "Bitch" but I wouldn't expect a kid to breast feed at all if he can construct sentences. The only thing a breast feeding child should be able to say is "goo goo, gaa gaa."
What about the dad? How does he feel about this? I read two separate articles and there was no mention. They called her Ms. and said that she has an adopted 5 year old whom she also breast feeds. I wonder what happens when her significant other goes to suck on or kiss her boob during foreplay. Does she push him (or her) away and whine "Ewwwl..stop it, that's gross!".
This mom needs to stop! My two kids fight over everything! If one has a toy and the other one sees them playing with it, they automatically start grabbing and yelling over who had it first. With talking breast feeding kids, I'm sure they will begin fist fighting over the boob. I mean, she has two but does she want to use both at the same time?
Crazy breast feeding lady, please end it now. Tell your kids you love them, tuck them in at night and kiss them in the morning. I promise you, they will feel your love without having to feel you up.
Anyway, that's not what this topic is about. I just had to vent. I'm done. Thank you.
Here's the real topic. Have you seen this?
http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2012/05/10/time_s_breastfeeding_cover.html
Or if you have some free time and really want to be grossed out, watch this:
The article is about a woman who still breast feeds her four year old son!!!!! Diiiii-sgu-sting!!!!! I want to throw up. (The video above is about a woman who breast feeds her grown daughters but I'll just focus on the article for now.)
I was never a big fan of breast feeding to begin with. I mean, I don't normally find it disgusting, but it just wasn't my thing. My first issue with breast feeding is that if you chose to do it, you're the one stuck feeding the kid. At 2:00 in the morning, dad gets to sleep and you have to get up and feed Jr. Dad wakes up and says "Well, I would do it, but I don't have boobs. So Sorry." I'm all for co-parenting. The baby can drink formula from a bottle and we can take turns getting up. My second issue, it fuckin hurts! The nipples get all chafed, your boobs get so sore when it fills up with milk. Really. Men have no idea. My boobs hurt sooo bad that I fantasized getting a steak knife and slicing them off. I gave it two weeks, tops, with both kids and gave up. Their half J.A.P., er, Jewish anyway, they would much rather have take out (i.e. store bought formula) than a home-made meal anyway.
To be honest with you, I don't actually see the health benefits. "They" (meaning articles I have read but cannot cite) say that a baby who drinks breast milk is healthier than a baby that does not. I have not witnessed that. A lot of babies that I KNOW were breast fed had ear infections, reflux, threw up all the time. This is the honest to god truth, my daughter threw up for the first time ever in her life when she was 2 1/2 years old. I know the year because it was the week that I brought baby #2 home from the hospital. She was so shocked, she had no idea what the heck just happened. Can any of you breast feeding moms tell me that your kid's first throw up was at 2 1/2 years old?
My last issue with breast feeding is that most (not all, don't yell at me) women who breast feed are like these self rightious aholes who throw it in your face and try to get you to join their cult. They look down at you like "ohhh, you don't breast feed?" Then they give you a list of reasons why you should. It's like, mind your own business you fucking Jehovah Breastness. Stop knocking on my door trying to show me the way.
Despite the above, I honestly don't have any issues with other people breast feeding. What ever floats your boat.
BUT THERE HAS GOT TO BE A CUTOFF!
Four years old is just waaaay to old to be doing this shit. At what point does it become incest?
"It’s really warm. It’s like embracing your mother, like a hug. You feel comforted, nurtured and really, really loved,” she said. “I had so much self-confidence as a child, and I know it’s from that. I never felt like she would ever leave me. I felt that security.” Direct quote from said breast feeding mother whom was breastfed herself until she was six years old.
Well guess what you friggin moron? My kids don't feel like they are being embraced, they actually are embraced. If I want them to feel the love of a hug...I hug them, god damn it. Oh, and breast feeding gives them confidence? How about just verbally encouraging your kid? Ever think of that? I am so glad that because she was breast fed until she was 6 years old, she never felt that her mother would leave her. I have a pretty good feeling that even though I bottle fed my kids formula, my kids know that they can count on me. I don't need them choppin on my nipple for them to not feel abandoned. Try having meals together, on a plate at a table. That's highly recommend for a cohesive family.
Ok, now lets see it from the kid's point of view. So mommy and Jr. are at the park. He runs up to her and says that he's thirsty. What? Does she just lift up her boob and let him take a gulp? Won't the other kids make fun of him? Or, you know how if a kid brings a toy or food somewhere and the parent / teacher says "You can't play with it / eat it unless you brought some for all." Does that still apply here?
I'm guessing he eats solid foods too. But what happens when he eats at a friend's house. Does he walk over to the mom and say "lift it, bitch." No really, I would not expect a four year old to say "Bitch" but I wouldn't expect a kid to breast feed at all if he can construct sentences. The only thing a breast feeding child should be able to say is "goo goo, gaa gaa."
What about the dad? How does he feel about this? I read two separate articles and there was no mention. They called her Ms. and said that she has an adopted 5 year old whom she also breast feeds. I wonder what happens when her significant other goes to suck on or kiss her boob during foreplay. Does she push him (or her) away and whine "Ewwwl..stop it, that's gross!".
This mom needs to stop! My two kids fight over everything! If one has a toy and the other one sees them playing with it, they automatically start grabbing and yelling over who had it first. With talking breast feeding kids, I'm sure they will begin fist fighting over the boob. I mean, she has two but does she want to use both at the same time?
Crazy breast feeding lady, please end it now. Tell your kids you love them, tuck them in at night and kiss them in the morning. I promise you, they will feel your love without having to feel you up.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
What is this world coming to?
I had all these blog post ideas about new revelations that currently piss me off. I started one, then I started another. Then I was chatting with a friend about one of these topics and during the conversation I said to her "What is this world coming to?" So, this post is a combination of the fucked up changes to our society.
All I have to say is (well, it's not really all I have to say or else this post would be really short) I'm kind of glad I was born when I was born, because I would not want to be growing up in today's world. Hopefully I'll die before it gets even worse.
My first gripe is about the kid's game tag. Yes, tag. Did you know that kids in school today are NOT allowed to play tag??? It's considered a game that is "not polite." Give me a friggin break.
Since when did politeness become a factor in a game? Is kickball polite? Is hide and seek polite? Think about it. It's one against the other and there is always someone who holds the power. Are the schools worried about the kids getting hurt while playing tag? If that's the argument, there should be a law that all kids have to be home schooled because EVERYTHING is a potential danger. A kid can trip over his shoelace in the hallway. Which do you eliminate, the shoe or the walking in the hallway? A kid can choke on his cream cheese sandwich (no peanut butter, that would be bad). So, what, no lunch?
I am afraid that the real reason behind this rule is that kids sometimes get upset when they "get out" or get tagged. I mean, isn't against the law now to hurt some one's feelings? Sometimes they phrase it as a hate crime. (Because you can't just disagree with some one's lifestyle without it being hateful, right? - by the way, that's in sarcastic font). Some poor kid will get out and instead of learning how to deal with it, or even learning that it is just a game and has no actual real effect on life, the school administrators would rather avoid the whole thing to begin with. God forbid the generation crybaby kids (see my earlier post Generation Crybaby for this reference) learn how to handle uncomfortable or undesirable situations. Which brings me to my next gripe:
How come people nowadays only use nonverbal devises to communicate? Especially if it's an uncomfortable conversation. It is such a cowardly form. I fear today's youth will not know how to properly communicate as adults. Consider texting. For one thing, most people test in acronyms or abbreviations. Lol (laugh out loud) Cul8tr (see you later), OMG (oh my gosh). This is like talking as though you're a license plate. Kids won't even know how to spell out or speak real phrases. Imagine one of these kids all grown up and in the work force. They are looking for a raise so instead of writing a nice letter or actually going into his/her boss's office to ask, they will instead text and write "I$+".
My other issue with nonverbal communication is that people nowadays don't just have the common courtesy to work things out. Even if it is with a friend or associate. My friend recently received a facebook message from a co-leader of her girl scout troop. The message requested that she (my friend) step down as co-leader. WTF? Something like this warrants a phone call. Don't be a fucking sissy and take the non-evasive way out. If you have an issue, call and solve it. Be a grown up! Apparently in this situation, there was a recent disagreement between the two leaders. Yeah, and??? People can't disagree anymore? This is what you do when you have a disagreement: You call the person, or see them in person. Then you say "I'm sorry but I didn't see it from your point of view and I'm sorry. I didn't intend to hurt your feelings. Now that you pointed it out to me, I can see if from your perspective and I apologize." Only do that if it's the truth and you mean it. However, if you think the other person is wrong, tell them. Actually speak the words that this is how you see it from your perspective. And explain yourself!!! I have learned that friends don't have to agree with each other as long as they respect each other. Air your differences and get over it! Don't start the argument with a text. Don't answer on stupid Facebook. Stop hiding behind devices.
Back in the olden days, before electronic communication, people actually had only two choices. They could air out their differences man to man or they could just walk away from each other. Ok, maybe letters were written, but it took so long to communicate that by the time the letters were received the issue was over with. People take advantage that they don't actually have to speak to one another. They won't call with an uncomfortable issue because they are afraid of the other person's reaction.
Being afraid of undesirable outcomes is no way to live life. Whether the event is getting out at tag or not confronting your family and friends. Just because the schools now teach children that the best result is to avoid the whole situation to begin with, does that mean it should apply to everything in life?
So, as I sit here, blasting my opinion via a blog, I have no fear in stating that if you don't like what I have to say: *** You can BIOYA B/C IMA BAMF. EOD!***
**ADBB! **
* See glossary for translation:
http://www.webopedia.com/quick_ref/textmessageabbreviations.asp
All I have to say is (well, it's not really all I have to say or else this post would be really short) I'm kind of glad I was born when I was born, because I would not want to be growing up in today's world. Hopefully I'll die before it gets even worse.
My first gripe is about the kid's game tag. Yes, tag. Did you know that kids in school today are NOT allowed to play tag??? It's considered a game that is "not polite." Give me a friggin break.
Since when did politeness become a factor in a game? Is kickball polite? Is hide and seek polite? Think about it. It's one against the other and there is always someone who holds the power. Are the schools worried about the kids getting hurt while playing tag? If that's the argument, there should be a law that all kids have to be home schooled because EVERYTHING is a potential danger. A kid can trip over his shoelace in the hallway. Which do you eliminate, the shoe or the walking in the hallway? A kid can choke on his cream cheese sandwich (no peanut butter, that would be bad). So, what, no lunch?
I am afraid that the real reason behind this rule is that kids sometimes get upset when they "get out" or get tagged. I mean, isn't against the law now to hurt some one's feelings? Sometimes they phrase it as a hate crime. (Because you can't just disagree with some one's lifestyle without it being hateful, right? - by the way, that's in sarcastic font). Some poor kid will get out and instead of learning how to deal with it, or even learning that it is just a game and has no actual real effect on life, the school administrators would rather avoid the whole thing to begin with. God forbid the generation crybaby kids (see my earlier post Generation Crybaby for this reference) learn how to handle uncomfortable or undesirable situations. Which brings me to my next gripe:
How come people nowadays only use nonverbal devises to communicate? Especially if it's an uncomfortable conversation. It is such a cowardly form. I fear today's youth will not know how to properly communicate as adults. Consider texting. For one thing, most people test in acronyms or abbreviations. Lol (laugh out loud) Cul8tr (see you later), OMG (oh my gosh). This is like talking as though you're a license plate. Kids won't even know how to spell out or speak real phrases. Imagine one of these kids all grown up and in the work force. They are looking for a raise so instead of writing a nice letter or actually going into his/her boss's office to ask, they will instead text and write "I$+".
My other issue with nonverbal communication is that people nowadays don't just have the common courtesy to work things out. Even if it is with a friend or associate. My friend recently received a facebook message from a co-leader of her girl scout troop. The message requested that she (my friend) step down as co-leader. WTF? Something like this warrants a phone call. Don't be a fucking sissy and take the non-evasive way out. If you have an issue, call and solve it. Be a grown up! Apparently in this situation, there was a recent disagreement between the two leaders. Yeah, and??? People can't disagree anymore? This is what you do when you have a disagreement: You call the person, or see them in person. Then you say "I'm sorry but I didn't see it from your point of view and I'm sorry. I didn't intend to hurt your feelings. Now that you pointed it out to me, I can see if from your perspective and I apologize." Only do that if it's the truth and you mean it. However, if you think the other person is wrong, tell them. Actually speak the words that this is how you see it from your perspective. And explain yourself!!! I have learned that friends don't have to agree with each other as long as they respect each other. Air your differences and get over it! Don't start the argument with a text. Don't answer on stupid Facebook. Stop hiding behind devices.
Back in the olden days, before electronic communication, people actually had only two choices. They could air out their differences man to man or they could just walk away from each other. Ok, maybe letters were written, but it took so long to communicate that by the time the letters were received the issue was over with. People take advantage that they don't actually have to speak to one another. They won't call with an uncomfortable issue because they are afraid of the other person's reaction.
Being afraid of undesirable outcomes is no way to live life. Whether the event is getting out at tag or not confronting your family and friends. Just because the schools now teach children that the best result is to avoid the whole situation to begin with, does that mean it should apply to everything in life?
So, as I sit here, blasting my opinion via a blog, I have no fear in stating that if you don't like what I have to say: *** You can BIOYA B/C IMA BAMF. EOD!***
**ADBB! **
* See glossary for translation:
http://www.webopedia.com/quick_ref/textmessageabbreviations.asp
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
OMG!
Ok, I always kind of knew that there was something out there. Something that created us all and all that this world offers. I just wasn't sure if it was called God. Well, I have had an epiphany. I found God. I'm pretty sure he is a practical joker or he has a real sick sense of humor.
No offense God, but I think as the creator of the universe, you kind of messed up. Religious folks would say that he didn't mess up, but all the things that we (or I ) think is screwed up, actually is intentional and has its purpose. I think he's trying to drive us nuts.
If I were the creator of the universe, this is how it would be done:
1. I would make healthy food taste awesome and want to spit out junk food. Why is it that the foods that will clog our arteries or make our stomachs turn to mush taste soooo good? How come it pains (some of) us to eat things like cauliflower. Yich! What lesson is god teaching us here? If he could create anything and everything, he should have made sure that the people He CREATED take good care of themselves by eating properly. The only way to ensure that is by making healthy foods really desirable. I know some people will argue and say that they really, really like vegetables, etc. However, is a salad really that good without the dressing? BAM! There's goes the healthiness by pouring on the fatty dressing. Why are Doritos so friggin good and addicting? They do nothing for us with regard to nutrition. I realize that man created Doritos, not God...but God created the man who created the Doritos. There's culpability there.
3. I would have definitely made creating babies a lot harder. Not trying to be insensitive to those having a hard time getting pregnant. I mean it from the perspective of people having babies when they don't intend to. I think the process of making a baby should be more thought provoking and take more effort. One that's not enjoyable. Think of it this way. Making a baby requires having sex. People enjoy having sex. People have sex because they enjoy it but don't really want to make a baby in the process. I know there's prevention but it doesn't always work. The attempt to create a life should be something not so pleasurable, just so people really think twice about doing it. That way there is no accident. For instance, lets just say that in order for two people to make a baby, one has to remove the other's toenails and then pour alcohol on it. Fucking ouch, right? Now, wouldn't you think twice about doing that? Two 16 year old kids aren't going to go to the movies and then pull off each other's toenails in the back seat of the car afterwards. And two people who really, really want to start a family are going to make this sacrifice after truly discussing it and deciding that it's the right thing to do at the given time. This would eliminate several modern day problems: unwanted pregnancies, over population and the abortion debate.
4. And while we are on the topic of sex, God had it backwards. He made it so it was extremely easy for men to have orgasms and for most women it takes a bit of work. Hey, women are the ones who get stuck carrying the babies, ruining our figures, getting them out of our bodies and for the most part taking care of them once they are here. Why then, do the guys get most of the pleasure making them? Women should have sooo much easier to reach climax since we pay such a higher price of said act. Just sayin'.
5. I would create miracles every year or so. I mean real ones, not ones like "I won the lottery, it's a miracle" miracle. If I were God I would publicly announce myself to a large group. That way when it happens, it's not just one person saying that he spoke to God and everyone else thinking he was coo-coo. I would do it in the movie theater or at the Giants game. I would present myself somehow so people would be like "holy cow, he does exist!" No question. I'm the big shot here, let it be known.
6. Lastly, if I were God, I would have only created one religion. I mean, I realize he was trying to be multifaceted here. I understand that he wanted a variety of regions to have their own style of "Goding", but enough is enough. Tone it down. I'm not placing the value of one religion over the other, but wouldn't it be a kinder, albeit more boring, world if everyone just agreed in one religion. There wouldn't be extreme religions where it's acceptable to kill other people who don't believe in the same God as they do. People wouldn't whine about it not being fair that their workforce is closed for some religious holidays and not all. We would all get the same holidays off of work and all would be equal. I bet there would be a few less wars too.
There are few other minor things I would change too. Like outside creatures would not have access to the inside of homes. Mice, ants, stay the fuck out of my house. I don't trespass in your homes. I would split the world into four regions...winter, spring, summer and fall. That way, you pick the weather you like the best and you move into that region. No complaining in the winter that you hate the cold and no complaining in the summer that it's too hot. Just move to the place with the most desirable temperature.
My very very last modification would be the understanding of constructive criticism. I need to be assured that the real creator of this universe isn't getting pissed off at this post. Or else I may be in some serious trouble!
No offense God, but I think as the creator of the universe, you kind of messed up. Religious folks would say that he didn't mess up, but all the things that we (or I ) think is screwed up, actually is intentional and has its purpose. I think he's trying to drive us nuts.
If I were the creator of the universe, this is how it would be done:
1. I would make healthy food taste awesome and want to spit out junk food. Why is it that the foods that will clog our arteries or make our stomachs turn to mush taste soooo good? How come it pains (some of) us to eat things like cauliflower. Yich! What lesson is god teaching us here? If he could create anything and everything, he should have made sure that the people He CREATED take good care of themselves by eating properly. The only way to ensure that is by making healthy foods really desirable. I know some people will argue and say that they really, really like vegetables, etc. However, is a salad really that good without the dressing? BAM! There's goes the healthiness by pouring on the fatty dressing. Why are Doritos so friggin good and addicting? They do nothing for us with regard to nutrition. I realize that man created Doritos, not God...but God created the man who created the Doritos. There's culpability there.
2. God got a little cocky. He was like "OH, there's 7 days in a week and I can create the entire world in 6". Fuck that. That gloating and showoff-ness really came back to bite us in the ass. He should have either taken another day to complete his work or made the week longer and rested for more than one day. Imagine if in the Bible, God tells us that he worked so hard to get it done in one week that as a result he really needed two days of rest to recover. He made some mistakes that he would not have made if he didn't rush and thought it through. Or he should say that he regrets rushing to get it done in 6 days and he over-extended himself. Now we get one day as the Sabbath. Of course, depending on which religion you are, the Sabbath, or day of rest is Saturday or Sunday. If God just said "Hey everyone, learn from my mistake. Don't work sooo hard and cram everything in." we might have two days of rest and perhaps a 4 day work week. We all know that Saturdays and Sundays are not both days of rest. One day is a "get all your shit done so you can be a couch potato the next day" day. Or, if you are a full time working mother, both days are "ok, I have all this shit to do that I can't do during the week because I'm at work" days. So, thanks a lot God. Everyone thinks I'M the slacker because you can create the universe in 6 days, but in seven days I can't even manage to clean my house, put the laundry away, take kids to dance lessons and cook 21 meals (3 squares a day).
3. I would have definitely made creating babies a lot harder. Not trying to be insensitive to those having a hard time getting pregnant. I mean it from the perspective of people having babies when they don't intend to. I think the process of making a baby should be more thought provoking and take more effort. One that's not enjoyable. Think of it this way. Making a baby requires having sex. People enjoy having sex. People have sex because they enjoy it but don't really want to make a baby in the process. I know there's prevention but it doesn't always work. The attempt to create a life should be something not so pleasurable, just so people really think twice about doing it. That way there is no accident. For instance, lets just say that in order for two people to make a baby, one has to remove the other's toenails and then pour alcohol on it. Fucking ouch, right? Now, wouldn't you think twice about doing that? Two 16 year old kids aren't going to go to the movies and then pull off each other's toenails in the back seat of the car afterwards. And two people who really, really want to start a family are going to make this sacrifice after truly discussing it and deciding that it's the right thing to do at the given time. This would eliminate several modern day problems: unwanted pregnancies, over population and the abortion debate.
4. And while we are on the topic of sex, God had it backwards. He made it so it was extremely easy for men to have orgasms and for most women it takes a bit of work. Hey, women are the ones who get stuck carrying the babies, ruining our figures, getting them out of our bodies and for the most part taking care of them once they are here. Why then, do the guys get most of the pleasure making them? Women should have sooo much easier to reach climax since we pay such a higher price of said act. Just sayin'.
5. I would create miracles every year or so. I mean real ones, not ones like "I won the lottery, it's a miracle" miracle. If I were God I would publicly announce myself to a large group. That way when it happens, it's not just one person saying that he spoke to God and everyone else thinking he was coo-coo. I would do it in the movie theater or at the Giants game. I would present myself somehow so people would be like "holy cow, he does exist!" No question. I'm the big shot here, let it be known.
6. Lastly, if I were God, I would have only created one religion. I mean, I realize he was trying to be multifaceted here. I understand that he wanted a variety of regions to have their own style of "Goding", but enough is enough. Tone it down. I'm not placing the value of one religion over the other, but wouldn't it be a kinder, albeit more boring, world if everyone just agreed in one religion. There wouldn't be extreme religions where it's acceptable to kill other people who don't believe in the same God as they do. People wouldn't whine about it not being fair that their workforce is closed for some religious holidays and not all. We would all get the same holidays off of work and all would be equal. I bet there would be a few less wars too.
There are few other minor things I would change too. Like outside creatures would not have access to the inside of homes. Mice, ants, stay the fuck out of my house. I don't trespass in your homes. I would split the world into four regions...winter, spring, summer and fall. That way, you pick the weather you like the best and you move into that region. No complaining in the winter that you hate the cold and no complaining in the summer that it's too hot. Just move to the place with the most desirable temperature.
My very very last modification would be the understanding of constructive criticism. I need to be assured that the real creator of this universe isn't getting pissed off at this post. Or else I may be in some serious trouble!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Jury Doodie
I recently had the (un)pleasure of being called for jury duty. I realize it's the least I could do for my country - besides paying taxes to live here and recycling - and I certainly enjoyed the day off from work, but jury doodie really stinks!
Of course I think the system is incredibly flawed. Their first mistake? Making me pay to return my questionnaire. They send you the form in the mail requesting your presence at the court house. However, beforehand you must complete the attached form and return it via mail. Whattt?? I get the bad news that I have to go and then they make me pay 45 cents for it!!!! That's fucked up, man. As a courtesy, they should at least provide one of those postage free envelopes.
The next problem? They didn't even check my identification! If I had known that they would not check to see if the real Stacey showed up I could have bribed someone to go in my place and did something fun instead. I had the excused absence from work, with documentation. That never happens. I usually have to invent a sick kid or get one of those online doctor's notes.
Then came the excuses! Everyone had an issue on why they could not serve for a week. Most of the people claimed that they could not miss work, that they were too essential or that they would not get paid. I totally solved the problem! New Jersey has an unemployment rate of almost 9%. Let them serve jury duty! It's five dollars for the first day and then if the service is extended, the pay is $40.00. That's awesome for someone that doesn't have a job. It's not like you have to have special skills or education. No chance of getting caught on the lie of (ahem)knowing how to use PowerPoint. How about all those people collecting disability checks? If they can sit home and watch the Price is Right and other crappy daytime television shows, they can sit in a jury box. Granted, they may not be able to wear their Forever Lazy outfits but at least they won't have to get up and move around a lot. Well, they might have to tap into their cognitive skills, but they can just take an aspirin at night to cure the headache.
How about old people? Instead of clogging up the supermarkets on Senior Citizen Tuesdays...maybe the special old people bus can take them to the courts. They can even hang out and watch the trials if they don't get picked. Unfortunately, they might have to only serve one day trials as the next day they might not remember what happened beforehand. But then again, that might just work for a prosecutor. Plus, don't they live for this type of shit.
Speaking of prosecutors, did you know that having sexual relations with one can excuse you from jury duty? Yup! I don't recommend finding a prosecutor the day of a trial and luring him into the alley, then asking for a pass. However, if you happen to have jury duty and the judge asks if you recognize any of the attorneys or witnesses and one of the just happens to be someone you passed time with while in college...speak up! They won't ask for proof.
Don't ask me how I know.
Of course I think the system is incredibly flawed. Their first mistake? Making me pay to return my questionnaire. They send you the form in the mail requesting your presence at the court house. However, beforehand you must complete the attached form and return it via mail. Whattt?? I get the bad news that I have to go and then they make me pay 45 cents for it!!!! That's fucked up, man. As a courtesy, they should at least provide one of those postage free envelopes.
The next problem? They didn't even check my identification! If I had known that they would not check to see if the real Stacey showed up I could have bribed someone to go in my place and did something fun instead. I had the excused absence from work, with documentation. That never happens. I usually have to invent a sick kid or get one of those online doctor's notes.
Then came the excuses! Everyone had an issue on why they could not serve for a week. Most of the people claimed that they could not miss work, that they were too essential or that they would not get paid. I totally solved the problem! New Jersey has an unemployment rate of almost 9%. Let them serve jury duty! It's five dollars for the first day and then if the service is extended, the pay is $40.00. That's awesome for someone that doesn't have a job. It's not like you have to have special skills or education. No chance of getting caught on the lie of (ahem)knowing how to use PowerPoint. How about all those people collecting disability checks? If they can sit home and watch the Price is Right and other crappy daytime television shows, they can sit in a jury box. Granted, they may not be able to wear their Forever Lazy outfits but at least they won't have to get up and move around a lot. Well, they might have to tap into their cognitive skills, but they can just take an aspirin at night to cure the headache.
How about old people? Instead of clogging up the supermarkets on Senior Citizen Tuesdays...maybe the special old people bus can take them to the courts. They can even hang out and watch the trials if they don't get picked. Unfortunately, they might have to only serve one day trials as the next day they might not remember what happened beforehand. But then again, that might just work for a prosecutor. Plus, don't they live for this type of shit.
Speaking of prosecutors, did you know that having sexual relations with one can excuse you from jury duty? Yup! I don't recommend finding a prosecutor the day of a trial and luring him into the alley, then asking for a pass. However, if you happen to have jury duty and the judge asks if you recognize any of the attorneys or witnesses and one of the just happens to be someone you passed time with while in college...speak up! They won't ask for proof.
Don't ask me how I know.
Friday, February 10, 2012
And I (e-yiiiii) will always love you.
Recently, a pop star singer turned bad actress passed away. Her name is Whitney Houston. She was an adorable young woman who, in the 80's or 90's ( I can't remember and don't care enough to even google it) had a bunch of bubblegum pop songs. I thought the songs were good, they were catchy. Now I get to hum along with them in the elevators.
Her death was unexpected. Well, if you are in denial about some one's excessive drug use, I guess you can say it was unexpected. What I'm trying to say is that she wasn't old and as far as the public knew she wasn't ill. It is speculated (at the point that I am writing this) that she combined prescribed medications and abused them. The wrong cocktail of drugs (legal & illegal) and alcohol put her over the edge.
Anyway, the purpose of this post is really about the funeral. Not so much about her throwing her life away. There is a whole lot of discussion about her funeral. The family wants to have a private funeral. Some of her fans want to attend as well and are a bit annoyed. Really? Are you fucking kidding me? Don't the fans have anything better to do on a Saturday morning? It's nearing the end of February. Go get your taxes done or something.
I can understand being shocked and upset that someone you admired, even from a distance passed away. Kind of like when Chris Farley died. I was like "holy shit, I never thought this day would come." I didn't know him, I didn't know anyone related to him. I just thought he was a really funny guy! He entertained me! I didn't expect him to go so soon. Did I cry? No. Did I send his family a greeting card? No. But a piece of me was really disappointed that he would never make me laugh again.
There are actually people freaking out because as FANS they feel entitled to go to the funeral and pay their respects. I think this is ridiculous. I would like someone to explain to me why a fan is justified in attending a funeral. You may not realize it but if you scroll down there is a section for comments. Go ahead, tell me why I'm wrong. On a talk radio station, a caller said that once she became famous she was not a private citizen anymore. She was a public figure and her fans are her public family. He's on crack! Just because she had a talent and used that talent to earn a living, it does not make her lose her private citizen status. She's a god damn saleswoman! You buy her records, maybe pay for a concert ticket or even pay to watch a movie she was in. That does not mean you know her or that she belongs to you. You supported her life style, but she and her family owe you nothing.
Have a little respect for the family. A mother lost her child. A child just lost her mother. Let them grieve among themselves. It's bad enough that her death is blown all over the media filled with negative comments and speculations. Why as a fan would you even want to go? You're not paying your respect to Whitney. She's dead..and she didn't know you anyway! You pay the respect to the family who lost a loved one. They don't really care about you because they never met you and even worse, now you won't be buying anymore of Whitney's stuff. Because she dead. So the family has decided they want a private funeral. Want to show your respect? Stay home and play her cd.
........and if you even start with "well, the taxpayers are paying for the security outside the funeral. So as taxpayers, we should be able to go..." I will fucking go ape shit!!! If the fans would just stay the hell home and shut up, they wouldn't need security.
as a side note....why was the location of the funeral even made public to begin with???? That's rhetorical. No need to answer in my unused comments section.
Her death was unexpected. Well, if you are in denial about some one's excessive drug use, I guess you can say it was unexpected. What I'm trying to say is that she wasn't old and as far as the public knew she wasn't ill. It is speculated (at the point that I am writing this) that she combined prescribed medications and abused them. The wrong cocktail of drugs (legal & illegal) and alcohol put her over the edge.
Anyway, the purpose of this post is really about the funeral. Not so much about her throwing her life away. There is a whole lot of discussion about her funeral. The family wants to have a private funeral. Some of her fans want to attend as well and are a bit annoyed. Really? Are you fucking kidding me? Don't the fans have anything better to do on a Saturday morning? It's nearing the end of February. Go get your taxes done or something.
I can understand being shocked and upset that someone you admired, even from a distance passed away. Kind of like when Chris Farley died. I was like "holy shit, I never thought this day would come." I didn't know him, I didn't know anyone related to him. I just thought he was a really funny guy! He entertained me! I didn't expect him to go so soon. Did I cry? No. Did I send his family a greeting card? No. But a piece of me was really disappointed that he would never make me laugh again.
There are actually people freaking out because as FANS they feel entitled to go to the funeral and pay their respects. I think this is ridiculous. I would like someone to explain to me why a fan is justified in attending a funeral. You may not realize it but if you scroll down there is a section for comments. Go ahead, tell me why I'm wrong. On a talk radio station, a caller said that once she became famous she was not a private citizen anymore. She was a public figure and her fans are her public family. He's on crack! Just because she had a talent and used that talent to earn a living, it does not make her lose her private citizen status. She's a god damn saleswoman! You buy her records, maybe pay for a concert ticket or even pay to watch a movie she was in. That does not mean you know her or that she belongs to you. You supported her life style, but she and her family owe you nothing.
Have a little respect for the family. A mother lost her child. A child just lost her mother. Let them grieve among themselves. It's bad enough that her death is blown all over the media filled with negative comments and speculations. Why as a fan would you even want to go? You're not paying your respect to Whitney. She's dead..and she didn't know you anyway! You pay the respect to the family who lost a loved one. They don't really care about you because they never met you and even worse, now you won't be buying anymore of Whitney's stuff. Because she dead. So the family has decided they want a private funeral. Want to show your respect? Stay home and play her cd.
........and if you even start with "well, the taxpayers are paying for the security outside the funeral. So as taxpayers, we should be able to go..." I will fucking go ape shit!!! If the fans would just stay the hell home and shut up, they wouldn't need security.
as a side note....why was the location of the funeral even made public to begin with???? That's rhetorical. No need to answer in my unused comments section.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Pants on Fire!
LIAR LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!!! Soon, my kids, when they have that "aha" moment will be singing this to me until I am on my death bed. Even then they will probably say, "go in peace, you friggin liar."
I lie to my kids ALL - THE - TIME! I know it's bad parenting, but it's really most convenient to me and it usually is in the best interest for my kids. I don't think my lie telling is harmful to my kids. It's not like I'm lying about who their real father is or about taking money from their 529 accounts. The lies I tell usually revolve around incidents I prefer to avoid. Whether it's health (mental or physical health) or monetary or another purpose, the lie probably won't negatively effect their livelihood and actually, most likely will improve their lives.
Here are some examples of my parenting via anti-truth telling:
1. Chucky Cheese is an invitation only venue. I took the kids once to Chucky Cheese. That's all I needed to form my opinion and ban the place for life. I took two kids by myself. First of all, I thought I was going to have a seizure from all the noise from the people and games, the poor lighting and the flashing from the electronic games. Instant headache. Then, my kids ran off in two different directions. It was impossible to watch both at the same time. Yeah, ok, they have a system in place so the kids can't leave the building by themselves. But is there a system in place to monitor the pervs lurking over my kid, or the older, bigger bully kid bothering my kid? NOPE. Therefore, I must be a shadow. My kids however, quite enjoyed their 20 minutes of Chucky Cheese (I bribed them with the reward of McDonalds for them to leave.) Now, each time we pass Chucky Cheese they ask to go. Do I want to explain to them about all my issues about the big Cheese? NO. Do I want to be the mean mommy who says "no" every time they ask. NO. So my solution was to tell them that the rules changed and now you can only step foot into a Chucky Cheese if you are invited for a birthday party. They seem to understand and accept this and I don't come off as Mommy Dearest.
2. They are allergic to certain foods. Not really. My kids are not allergic to anything. Thank goodness. But they do have a friend who is severely allergic to peanuts and other foods. They understand that if she eats it, she could get very sick or even die. Yes, they understand death. There are certain foods I don't want my kids to eat / drink either forever or until they reach a certain age. These include soda, popcorn and gum. Soda is forever, popcorn has an age requirement and gum I am striving for forever but will give in at a certain age.
They are allergic to soda because I just don't want them drinking it. There are so many better options and if they are without my supervision at a friend's house or party, I would prefer them to not drink it.
They are allergic to gum because I think it's a bad habit. Not only that, but I don't need them chewing gum in the car and then choking on it when I slam on my brakes or something. I also would like to avoid having to get it out of their hair.
They are allergic to popcorn until they are 5 years old. Popcorn is the only food that expands when eating. I have heard of too many horror stories abouts kids choking and dieing from popcorn. I know, I know, kids can choke on any food. But popcorn is a great risk. Plus, even as an adult, when you get a casing stuck in your throat, it's so damn hard to get it loose by clearing your throat. You know what I'm talking about. For a kid it's a lot harder to make that motion.
That was my public service announcement. Back to regular scheduled programing.
3. "You had that before and liked it". Often I will make something new for dinner or introduce a new vegetable. Automatically my kids sing out that they don't like it, even without trying it. It's so annoying. I then reply "The last time you ate this you loved it and asked me to make it again." To be honest, this is getting old and they are getting to the age where they remember what they told me. However, it never hurts to try. If I can be convincing enough, using my acting skills, I can atleast get them to taste it again. Then they can decide whether they like it or not.
4. The battery died. All those toys with noises drive me insane. I just want to watch my show, god damn it. Stop making so much noise. Most of these toys have had the batteries removed. They can play with it just fine without the blinking lights that will cause A.D.D. and the annoying music or beeps. When my kids go to play with it with all the functions, they ask for my help when it does not work properly. I say "oh well the battery died." Nowadays, the battery is kept behind an enclosure that requires a screwdriver. Yes, double threat. Mommies don't use screwdrivers, so when daddy gets home, ask him to change the battery for you. By that time, I have already hid the toy under a pile of stuffed animals and all is forgotten.
There are other subtle lies / tricks that I use for parenting. For instance, all the digital clocks in my house are like ten minutes fast. That way I can tell tell my kids that it's bedtime before the actual time. Or I can point out how wonderful I am by showing them the time and saying "Look, I let you stay up late." Another trick is the "placebo method". My kids will occasionally delay going to sleep with complaints of ailments. No worries, when my instinct tells me it's the truth, I come into action. But most of the time I know it's a plot. So I tell them that I will give them medicine. I give them water in one of those clear, plastic medicine cups. Sometimes I will even put the tiniest bit, and I mean tiny, of medicine just to add coloring or flavor. Miraculously, after getting the medicine, they feel fine.
You may think I'm a rotten mother for tricking my kids. You know what? I may just be...but I have a challenge for you. Try to define what a good mother is. I'll give you time to think.
You can't answer because there is no answer. Do I avoid taking my kids to a gross indoor amusement place where I can't supervise them? Should I permit or encourage them to eat foods that are not good for them? Do I do what I can to get them to actually eat the healthy stuff. SURE! So, if getting the desired results requires a little alteration of the truth and a little trickery, I would say to go get some water to put that fire out on my pants and my nose is going to be really big by the time my kids are teens. It works for me.
I lie to my kids ALL - THE - TIME! I know it's bad parenting, but it's really most convenient to me and it usually is in the best interest for my kids. I don't think my lie telling is harmful to my kids. It's not like I'm lying about who their real father is or about taking money from their 529 accounts. The lies I tell usually revolve around incidents I prefer to avoid. Whether it's health (mental or physical health) or monetary or another purpose, the lie probably won't negatively effect their livelihood and actually, most likely will improve their lives.
Here are some examples of my parenting via anti-truth telling:
1. Chucky Cheese is an invitation only venue. I took the kids once to Chucky Cheese. That's all I needed to form my opinion and ban the place for life. I took two kids by myself. First of all, I thought I was going to have a seizure from all the noise from the people and games, the poor lighting and the flashing from the electronic games. Instant headache. Then, my kids ran off in two different directions. It was impossible to watch both at the same time. Yeah, ok, they have a system in place so the kids can't leave the building by themselves. But is there a system in place to monitor the pervs lurking over my kid, or the older, bigger bully kid bothering my kid? NOPE. Therefore, I must be a shadow. My kids however, quite enjoyed their 20 minutes of Chucky Cheese (I bribed them with the reward of McDonalds for them to leave.) Now, each time we pass Chucky Cheese they ask to go. Do I want to explain to them about all my issues about the big Cheese? NO. Do I want to be the mean mommy who says "no" every time they ask. NO. So my solution was to tell them that the rules changed and now you can only step foot into a Chucky Cheese if you are invited for a birthday party. They seem to understand and accept this and I don't come off as Mommy Dearest.
2. They are allergic to certain foods. Not really. My kids are not allergic to anything. Thank goodness. But they do have a friend who is severely allergic to peanuts and other foods. They understand that if she eats it, she could get very sick or even die. Yes, they understand death. There are certain foods I don't want my kids to eat / drink either forever or until they reach a certain age. These include soda, popcorn and gum. Soda is forever, popcorn has an age requirement and gum I am striving for forever but will give in at a certain age.
They are allergic to soda because I just don't want them drinking it. There are so many better options and if they are without my supervision at a friend's house or party, I would prefer them to not drink it.
They are allergic to gum because I think it's a bad habit. Not only that, but I don't need them chewing gum in the car and then choking on it when I slam on my brakes or something. I also would like to avoid having to get it out of their hair.
They are allergic to popcorn until they are 5 years old. Popcorn is the only food that expands when eating. I have heard of too many horror stories abouts kids choking and dieing from popcorn. I know, I know, kids can choke on any food. But popcorn is a great risk. Plus, even as an adult, when you get a casing stuck in your throat, it's so damn hard to get it loose by clearing your throat. You know what I'm talking about. For a kid it's a lot harder to make that motion.
That was my public service announcement. Back to regular scheduled programing.
3. "You had that before and liked it". Often I will make something new for dinner or introduce a new vegetable. Automatically my kids sing out that they don't like it, even without trying it. It's so annoying. I then reply "The last time you ate this you loved it and asked me to make it again." To be honest, this is getting old and they are getting to the age where they remember what they told me. However, it never hurts to try. If I can be convincing enough, using my acting skills, I can atleast get them to taste it again. Then they can decide whether they like it or not.
4. The battery died. All those toys with noises drive me insane. I just want to watch my show, god damn it. Stop making so much noise. Most of these toys have had the batteries removed. They can play with it just fine without the blinking lights that will cause A.D.D. and the annoying music or beeps. When my kids go to play with it with all the functions, they ask for my help when it does not work properly. I say "oh well the battery died." Nowadays, the battery is kept behind an enclosure that requires a screwdriver. Yes, double threat. Mommies don't use screwdrivers, so when daddy gets home, ask him to change the battery for you. By that time, I have already hid the toy under a pile of stuffed animals and all is forgotten.
There are other subtle lies / tricks that I use for parenting. For instance, all the digital clocks in my house are like ten minutes fast. That way I can tell tell my kids that it's bedtime before the actual time. Or I can point out how wonderful I am by showing them the time and saying "Look, I let you stay up late." Another trick is the "placebo method". My kids will occasionally delay going to sleep with complaints of ailments. No worries, when my instinct tells me it's the truth, I come into action. But most of the time I know it's a plot. So I tell them that I will give them medicine. I give them water in one of those clear, plastic medicine cups. Sometimes I will even put the tiniest bit, and I mean tiny, of medicine just to add coloring or flavor. Miraculously, after getting the medicine, they feel fine.
You may think I'm a rotten mother for tricking my kids. You know what? I may just be...but I have a challenge for you. Try to define what a good mother is. I'll give you time to think.
You can't answer because there is no answer. Do I avoid taking my kids to a gross indoor amusement place where I can't supervise them? Should I permit or encourage them to eat foods that are not good for them? Do I do what I can to get them to actually eat the healthy stuff. SURE! So, if getting the desired results requires a little alteration of the truth and a little trickery, I would say to go get some water to put that fire out on my pants and my nose is going to be really big by the time my kids are teens. It works for me.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Big Screen
Recently I went to the movies with my daughter. We went on a weekday when there was no school. The movie had been out for a few weeks already so I didn't think it would be too busy. Plus, only a few local towns had no school this day. But as it was approaching an hour before start time I started to feel it. That uncomfortable, itchiness, I gotta get there feeling (very similar to the one I get when I have to be at the airport on time.)
I SUFFER FROM MOVIES ANXIETY!!!
I can't help it. I get anxious about getting there and finding a seat. It's not too often that I will go to a movie when it's first released. I rarely go to the movies anymore but when I do go, I usually have to wait until it's been out for two weeks anyway, because I buy discounted tickets and that's the stipulation. So, even though most of the world has seen the movie, I get nervous that the theater will be so crowded that I will get stuck in the first row. I once sat in the front row and it was awful. I had a headache from the blurred vision and my neck was sore from tilting it upward. I don't even know why they even have the front two rows. They should just eliminate them and have less seats. I'm not stupid, I understand it's revenue. But if the customers are going to be unhappy, why bother?
So, I make sure I am at the theater at least a half an hour before the start time. I understand that I will sit through all the commercials, plus all the previews add another 20 minutes. I don't care, I have my seat. I like to sit next to the wall. I honestly have no problem sitting next to a stranger, but being next to wall means that no one will do the tuck in the ass squeeze past me during the film. While I'm on the topic, why do people always leave a seat between them and the unknown person in their row. It should be a rule that you have to sit in the first available seat in that row. That way you don't have a group of movie goers looking for seats together. Have you ever gone to the movies and within one row there are two empty seats but they are not next to each other? Then it turns out that if two people just slide over by one chair and (gasp) sit next to a stranger, then you and your movie partner could actually sit together! It drives me bananas!
When I last went to the movies, there was a mother, father and daughter looking for seats together. In one row, there were two available seats. At the very end seat was a pile of coats. Really? The coats need a seat? Did the coats pay friggin $11.00 for the two hour movie? Then, when the mother asked the coat owner to move the coats so that her family could sit together, the coat owner got annoyed! If I didn't value my teeth, I would have butted in and said something, like she was being a jack ass.
Just a bit of trivia here: remember I mentioned the tuck in your ass move while passing the row of occupied seats? Well, it is actually proper etiquette to FACE the person when squeezing past. That way your ass isn't in their face. I know what your thinking, then your "junk" is in face-level with someone. That's what I thought, but don't blame the messenger. Blame Emily Post. Actually, I kind of get it. If you are facing the person sitting, then you can give eye contact, say excuse me and you can gauge how much room you have between you and them. If your back is to them, you have no idea how far your butt is sticking out and exactly how close it is to their face.
My anxiety does does not stop at the urge to get a good seat. I very rarely buy from the concession stand. Popcorn is $6.00!! As that's for a small!!! It's fucking insane and almost like robbery except there is no weapon used to make you fork over your money. I usually don't eat in the theater but when I take my kids, I'll bring some Cheeze-Its or Goldfish and bottles of water and juice boxes. Of course I go with my big hobo bag but I am so paranoid that I will get caught! In order to avoid getting caught, I will stick my passes / tickets and money in my pocket. That way, I don't need to open my purse and the potential of the cashier accidentally seeing my stash is eliminated! Pretty savvy, huh?
Between the drive there (I get anxious just going because I am anticipating getting caught in a line, thus missing the opportunity for premier seating), waiting on line, being paranoid about getting caught with my snacks and then walking that loong hallway from the ticket taker to the actual theater....I'm a mess! An enjoyable outing becomes a panic attic.
I went to discuss this with a psychiatrist. She signed me up for Netflix. With the money I saved on my co-pay, I think I'll buy a large popcorn if I ever make it to another movie.
I SUFFER FROM MOVIES ANXIETY!!!
I can't help it. I get anxious about getting there and finding a seat. It's not too often that I will go to a movie when it's first released. I rarely go to the movies anymore but when I do go, I usually have to wait until it's been out for two weeks anyway, because I buy discounted tickets and that's the stipulation. So, even though most of the world has seen the movie, I get nervous that the theater will be so crowded that I will get stuck in the first row. I once sat in the front row and it was awful. I had a headache from the blurred vision and my neck was sore from tilting it upward. I don't even know why they even have the front two rows. They should just eliminate them and have less seats. I'm not stupid, I understand it's revenue. But if the customers are going to be unhappy, why bother?
So, I make sure I am at the theater at least a half an hour before the start time. I understand that I will sit through all the commercials, plus all the previews add another 20 minutes. I don't care, I have my seat. I like to sit next to the wall. I honestly have no problem sitting next to a stranger, but being next to wall means that no one will do the tuck in the ass squeeze past me during the film. While I'm on the topic, why do people always leave a seat between them and the unknown person in their row. It should be a rule that you have to sit in the first available seat in that row. That way you don't have a group of movie goers looking for seats together. Have you ever gone to the movies and within one row there are two empty seats but they are not next to each other? Then it turns out that if two people just slide over by one chair and (gasp) sit next to a stranger, then you and your movie partner could actually sit together! It drives me bananas!
When I last went to the movies, there was a mother, father and daughter looking for seats together. In one row, there were two available seats. At the very end seat was a pile of coats. Really? The coats need a seat? Did the coats pay friggin $11.00 for the two hour movie? Then, when the mother asked the coat owner to move the coats so that her family could sit together, the coat owner got annoyed! If I didn't value my teeth, I would have butted in and said something, like she was being a jack ass.
Just a bit of trivia here: remember I mentioned the tuck in your ass move while passing the row of occupied seats? Well, it is actually proper etiquette to FACE the person when squeezing past. That way your ass isn't in their face. I know what your thinking, then your "junk" is in face-level with someone. That's what I thought, but don't blame the messenger. Blame Emily Post. Actually, I kind of get it. If you are facing the person sitting, then you can give eye contact, say excuse me and you can gauge how much room you have between you and them. If your back is to them, you have no idea how far your butt is sticking out and exactly how close it is to their face.
My anxiety does does not stop at the urge to get a good seat. I very rarely buy from the concession stand. Popcorn is $6.00!! As that's for a small!!! It's fucking insane and almost like robbery except there is no weapon used to make you fork over your money. I usually don't eat in the theater but when I take my kids, I'll bring some Cheeze-Its or Goldfish and bottles of water and juice boxes. Of course I go with my big hobo bag but I am so paranoid that I will get caught! In order to avoid getting caught, I will stick my passes / tickets and money in my pocket. That way, I don't need to open my purse and the potential of the cashier accidentally seeing my stash is eliminated! Pretty savvy, huh?
Between the drive there (I get anxious just going because I am anticipating getting caught in a line, thus missing the opportunity for premier seating), waiting on line, being paranoid about getting caught with my snacks and then walking that loong hallway from the ticket taker to the actual theater....I'm a mess! An enjoyable outing becomes a panic attic.
I went to discuss this with a psychiatrist. She signed me up for Netflix. With the money I saved on my co-pay, I think I'll buy a large popcorn if I ever make it to another movie.
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