Buyers Beware

I think that *Shoprite is actually a stakeout location for employees of Child Protective Services to find potential child beaters. Seriously. If not, it would really be a good place to investigate.


*(Shoprite can be substituted with any other grocery store.)


Whenever I go there with my children, I feel like all eyes are on me. My kids are generally pretty well behaved. But you know how in between the music played over the speakers, there are subliminal messages to buy crap you don't want to? Well, I think hidden in the music / messages are instructions to my kids to act out and drive me crazy.


It all starts with the shopping cart. They always want me to use the one with the car in front. For those who are not familiar, it's a regular shopping cart, but attached to the front is a plastic car that the kids can sit in. My kids are 4 1/2 and 7. Waaay to old for this crap. This cart, though fun in design, was not actually built for narrow aisles and smooth navigation. It should be easy to just say "no, we are not getting one" but then it sets the whole tone for the shopping adventure. They are whiney from the start. With a standard shopping cart, one has to walk and one can sit in the cart. Amazingly, even if I get a regular cart, the 7 year old still wants to sit in it. Let the fighting begin! Back to the car cart...it weighs a ton and is hard to push. It's even harder to turn corners. Never have I used this particular shopping cart and NOT knocked over a display. Just the fact of losing the debate of whether or not to utilize the car cart starts the patience meter. (That's the internal gauge of "losing one's temper." The patience gauge starts on full but like a car in traffic, the level seeps below safe levels. Proceed with caution.)



Another cart issue is that if they are not in it, they want to stand on the side bar and hang on it. "No, no, no, no, no" I plead. "You can crack you're head open!" We even know somebody who actually cracked her head open doing this and they still fight me. Maybe I should have shown them photos. My older daughter just does not know how to follow along with a cart. She is either slow poking in front of it and I run over her heels, or she is slow poking behind me and gets lost in the crowd. I just can't win.



To be honest, my kids are pretty good with the "I wants." Not boasting or anything, but they really are not the type to say that they want everything in the store. However, what they do want is to put the stuff into the cart. One would think that it's no big deal until they try and throw a carton of milk on top of a carton of eggs. Or, they grab the jar of whatever out my hands and not so delicately plop it down in the cart. I cringe and pray that nothing broke. I don't need the call of shame over the loudspeaker. The younger one just likes to take stuff off the shelves and put it in my cart. When I say we don't need it, she protests that we do. Then I will ask her what it is, you know, to quiz her to see if we actually need the item. When she answers that she doesn't know, I retort in a nanni, nanni, poo, poo tone with "then what makes you think we need it if you don't even know what it is?" YES! VICTORY OVER FOUR YEAR OLD!


At this point, putting shit that I don't want back on to the shelves has made my patience meter drop. At least to half way. This is the time where I say to my children in a not so loud voice, but in a stern way with crazy eyes, "Do I have to be the crazy, yelling mom in the store? Please don't make me become the crazy, yelling mom in the store." They pinky promise that they will behave. But by the next aisle they have forgotten their promise. Also, this is the point where I start getting paranoid. I start wondering if social workers from DYFS are behind the two way mirrors. I am pretty convinced that over the loud speakers I am going to get scolded by a person of authority. Can they see my face? Can they tell by the look in my eyes that I'm imagining beating my kids? (To all of my readers, don't go all berserk calling DYFS on me because of my blog. I don't actually beat my kids. Sometimes it's a fantasy, but really, that's about it.)

At times I have even abandoned cart and went home to avoid freaking out at the store. It only causes me to be inconvenienced by having to go back. But by then, I am more likely to be able to go shopping A-L-O-N-E. Even if it's at 10:00 at night when my husband can be home while the girls sleep.

My solution to this problem, and to avoid having my kids actually taken away from me is for the grocery stores to have baby sitting. Why not? The gyms have it! At the gym, the policy is that if your kid is crying for more than 10 minutes, they come get you and you get your kid back. If that happens at the grocery store, they can just call your name over the loudspeaker and publicly humiliate you at the same time. Also, the grocery store has everything one would need to run an efficient baby sitting center. They can set it up in the warehouse part, I know they have the room. Snacks, Check! Toys? Sure, get a large bundle of paper towels and the kids can make towers and knock them down, Check! Nap? Many grocery stores carry dog beds...perfect!!! (Another check). Speaking of dogs, kids can also play with the doggie toys they sell. My local grocery store also sells dvds, tv's and cd's. Entertainment is at the edge of their fingertips.


This plan is flawless! It's genius! I thought that the system could work like the shopping cart procedure. You stick a quarter in and when you put your shopping cart away (as opposed to leaving it in the middle of the lot) you get your quarter back. You drop off your kid and get your cart, and when you return your cart you get your kid back. I have a feeling the parking lot would be full of abandoned carts.

Cha Cha Cha

Pachina, whowho, teetee, cucci, nono, pooter.

What the heck am I talking about? Can you figure it out using these nonsense words?

Here's a riddle: A kid on a school playground runs up to a teacher and cries, "I fell and I hurt my no-no!!" What would the teacher look at first? Her nose? Well, it's not bleeding and it does not show any sign of injury. How about if the teacher, in her attempt to solve the problem, then says to the kid, "Why don't you show me what hurts?" Next thing you know the teacher is in handcuffs and fired from her job for attempting to sexually lure the child.

Now do you know what I'm talking about? THE VAJAY-JAY or as more commonly known, the vagina. What the hell is sooo bad about that word? It's a body part! Why are people ashamed to use it, especially with children? Makes no sense to me. We call an ear and ear, an elbow and elbow and a mouth a mouth. Why would vagina be any different?

I bring this to light because a friend of mine had a disturbing incident. She moved to a new town and was very excited because her new neighbor has a daughter the same age as her daughter. Hooray! Instant friend, right! Well, the kids had a play date and soon after that play date the neighbor became aloof. Not returning phone calls and not allowing her daughter to play with my friend's daughter. My friend could not imagine what she could have done to get the cold shoulder. I mean, they have they have known each other for five minutes. So my friend calls this woman and asks for an explanation. The other mom says, reluctantly, that during the play date, my friend's daughter used the word vagina. (Enter gasp here). OH....MY.....GOD! A six year old said vagina!!!! I'm appalled (not really.) She went on to say that she didn't want my friend's daughter hanging around her daughter because she taught her daughter that word. Are you fucking kidding me??? She had to be taught the proper name of a body part? And is that any reason to stop two young girls, potentially life long friends, from playing together? I can't predict the future, but I have a pretty good feeling that this girl is going to grow up to be a slut. Not the girl who said the word vagina, but the girl who has never heard it. When you live a sheltered life like that, you tend to go out and explore the things your parents forbid you to know about.

The only explanation I can think of for making up a nickname for a body part would be embarrassment of the parent. But what confuses me is that they are talking about the same part despite which word they use. So why would "Cha Cha" be less embarrassing than "vagina?" It's still the same thing. OR, maybe because a vagina is also used for sex. I guess that could embarrass the parent. If that's the case, in some instances the mouth and hand are used for the same things. But people aren't embarrassed to say "mouth" or "hand."

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would still smell as sweet." Juliet Capulet (Romeo and Juliet for you dummies who don't know what I am referencing) would have you believe that what matters is what something is, not what it is called. However, a negative outcome of using made up words is the "Santa Clause Effect." That's when the child realizes you have been lying to them all this time. It could result in rage, confusion and a lack of trust. Imagine, your daughter comes home from school and tells you that all the boys were sent outside to play kickball and the girls had to stay inside to watch a video. Your daughter had no idea what the heck they were talking about in the video because they used the word vagina. She was confused because she was looking at the picture in the video, and it looked like a puccini but they kept calling it a vagina! "Why were they doing that?" she would ask. Then you have to explain that you lied all these years and her "hoo ha" is really called a "vagina." Kind of makes you look bad, dontcha think? Further imagine that your daughter is out sick that day they show the video. She might go through her entire adulthood not knowing what a vagina is. That could be disastrous!



Soo, in conclusion, would a vagina by any other name still smell as sweet? I think not. I think it would stink like fish gone bad.

Wall Street Whiners

If you are from the future and reading this....please go to whatever device you have to look up historical events. When I was a child, it was encyclopedias. Just so you don't have to research what an encyclopedia is, it is a series of books, divided alphabetically by topic. For instance, if you want to research birds, you would grab the "B" book and look it up. As an adult, the most popular tool is the Internet. Specifically, "Google" or "Wikipedia". If information is found there, it's a good at the bible in terms of using it for credibility of your argument.


I mention this because this particular post is in reference to an event that is currently happening, this fall of 2011. It's called Occupy Wall Street. Look it up. For now, at this moment in time it is a bit confusing what the protesters are actually protesting for. Maybe by the time you folks from the future are reading this, the "movement" will be over and someone can time travel back to 2011 and let me know.



There are a couple of issues I have with "Occupy Wall Street". The first issue I have is that if you take 10 people from this group of protesters, isolate them and ask them what they are protesting, you will get 10 different answers. They are united only by the fact that they are camping out together in New York City. One person will say "I am here because my parents lost their jobs and could not pay their mortgage. Now the bank foreclosed on them and it's not fair!" My response to that: Ummm, what's not fair about that? It's called collateral. They agreed, in writing that the bank owns or partially owns the house until the debt is paid in full. You don't pay, they take it away. Think about it in smaller terms. You bring your shirt to the dry cleaners. You don't pay the bill, you don't get your shirt back. What's not fair about that?



Another protester will cry "Rich people should give their money to poorer people". Huh? You mean despite giving to charity, having money taken out of paychecks for social security, unemployment benefits and a ton of miscellaneous taxes, they should fork over more money to people who either don't have jobs or do have jobs but make less money? If kids in school today are not promised that if they study and do well, they can get a great job and make lots of money..what would motivate them to do it? Let's put in another way. You, as a parent give your child $5.00 a week allowance. In order for him to earn the money, he must clean his room, feed the pet, set the table for dinner and put his dirty clothes in the hamper. Imagine if your child was then forced to give $2.00 each week to his classmate who does not get an allowance or gets only $1.50 a week allowance. How is this equal? How is this fair? Now YOU are the one paying for some other kid to do nothing. If your kid is forced to give almost half his allowance to some putz who probably doesn't have any chores, do you think he is going to do his at home? Nope. He is going to say "screw you, mom and dad. Why should I do all this work to just give what I earned to Joe who doesn't have to do chores? I think I'll pass on the chores, do nothing and then perhaps Mary will give me half of her allowance instead." Put that on a grander scale. Why should Mr. CEO who stays at work until 10:00 at night and misses the school plays have to fork over what he earned to someone who punches out at 5:00 everyday?


I recently had a facebook discussion with someone who stated that (direct quote) "anyone who earns over $200,000.00 should give money to those who don't make as much. How many toys can a person have?" Are you fucking kidding me? When I debated her, I gave my allowance example. How would she feel if it was her school aged kid giving away his hard earned money? Then she started singing another song. She then twisted her position to state that people put too much emphasis on working long hours and not quality time with family. That we should have learned from 9/11 what is most important. This is what I'm talking about...you confront a Wall Street Whiner about what they are fighting for and they fucking change the story. So, is it forgiving loans, the rich paying for the poor or the hard workers who should pay more attention to their families instead of working so much? By the way, if someone wants to work harder to become more successful and make more money..who cares? It's their life, let them live it. If they have regrets when they are older about it, so be it. But don't push your life opinion on them.



I understand that many of these people who are camping out at the park all day are either unemployed or have flexible hours in which they do have all this free time to protest. I have NEVER been to a protest. If I wasn't working, then I was looking for a job. However, if they have all this free time to hang out in the city shouting and waving signs about corporations (not much word about government) helping out the less fortunate, WHY AREN'T THEY USING THEIR FREE TIME TO HELP THE LESS FORTUNATE!!!!! These people are obviously in a position to kill time. How about donating some of that time to a place like Meals on Wheels. Instead of crying how you need help, go out and deliver a meal to someone who is disabled and can't leave their apartment. How about signing up with Big Brother / Big Sister. At 3:00, put your freaking sign down and pick up a kid at school. Take them to the park, play checkers, teach them how to pitch a tent.


I truly believe that many of these whiners are kids who grew up receiving trophies, even though their team lost. Kids who received accolades for doing a mediocore job. It was, and kind of is still is the trend to do these things to not only be "fair", but to increase confidence and placate irrate parents. It obviously has back fired. Now the kids are adults and they don't understand that life really isn't always fair. That you don't get a high paying middle management job just because you went to college (I've been out of college about 20 years and have worked since then. I don't even make what they are expecting). Remember the days of walking into an office and turning in your unsolicited resume? Now these people just post their resumes online and expect employers to come to them.



Don't get me wrong. I agree with their right to congregate and their right for free speech (obviously, I have a blog which gives me the ability to say whatever the frig I want). I also have compassion that there are unemployed people. Its sucks to be broke. But what confuses me the most is that I see job postings online. Indeed.com, ziprecruiter.com, monster.com, etc. On my way to work I even saw a huge banner outside of Wendy's restaurant "NOW HIRING". There are jobs..apply for them. It may not be six figures. It may not be what you studied in college. So what? Start from the bottom, even maybe learn a new trade while you're at it. When is this protest going to end? When every single person has a job and can pay their bills? That's not ever going to happen. So, as my husband says to me, "Don't complain unless you have a solution". To "Occupy Wall Street", I just gave you your solution. Quit yer whining.

Goodnight Moon?

Good Night Moon is one of the most popular children's book on the market. I really don't know of any family of babies or toddlers that does not possess this book. It's like a phenomenon. People go crazy over how wonderful it is.

I think it BLOWS! It totally sucks! I don't get it.

There are no characters. There is no plot. Just the author saying goodnight to random things in a bedroom. Stupid shit in a bedroom that does not even belong there. Totally does not make any sense. I can't latch on to the hype. That "Goodnight Moon Cult" can exclude me as a member. It has to be a cult...and the participants are the weak mindless ones who were convinced that it's a great book so they insist on liking it too. I'm sure the believers sell Amway too.

In the great green room there was a telephone and a red balloon and a picture of a cow jumping over the moon. And there were three little bears sitting on chairs and two little kittens and a pair of mittens and a little toy house and a young mouse. And a comb and a brush and a bowl full of mush. And a quiet old lady who was whispering hush.

Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight light and the red balloon. Goodnight bears Goodnight chairs. Goodnight kittens goodnight mittens. Goodnight clocks and goodnight socks. Goodnight little house and goodnight mouse. Goodnight comb and goodnight brush. Goodnight nobody goodnight mush, And goodnight to the old lady whispering hush. Good night stars goodnight air Goodnight noises everywhere.

That's not a excerpt from the book. That's the whole friggin book! No plot, no climax, no sense. For instance, if there are kittens in the room, why is there a mouse? Wouldn't the cats scare away the mouse? Why a bowl of mush? It's bedtime for Christ's sake? Put the bowl of mush in the sink, you slob. Maybe that's why you have mice! Same goes for the mittens. Why are they in the bedroom? Isn't there a coat closet or something? In the illustration, there is a telephone on the night stand. What baby (or baby rabbit, in this case) needs a telephone in his room? What's up with the old lady rabbit saying "hush"? The kid hasn't even said a word yet and she's already saying "hush". Now once he started saying goodnight to the god damn pictures on the wall, and the red balloon, you know he was stalling going to bed. That's when the old lady rabbit should say "hush" or "shut up and go to bed already".

Now, a lesser known children's book is "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom". This book ROCKS! It has a story line, it has emotion, it has rhythm. Everything a book needs. It doesn't get half the accolades as Goodnight Moon.

Unlike Gooodnight Moon, Chicka Chicka Boom Boom teaches a lesson. This book teaches kids the alphabet. All the letters in the alphabet climb up the coconut tree. See, there's even a plot. This book even has rhythm..lines like Skit skat skoodle doot. Flip flop Flee. Everybody running to the coconut tree. Now doesn't that sound kind of like a song? Not monotone like goodnight this, good night that.

Mothers, fathers, caretakers everywhere: If you want your child to enjoy reading and to have great expectations of books, throw Goodnight Moon in the trash! Burn it! Don't allow them to fall in the trap that this is great literature. It will only teach your children that they can produce crap and get away with it if everyone else says it's gold. GOOD NIGHT MOON! FOREVER!

Shore Thing

My friend Karen and I took our kids to the beach. Let me tell you, going to the beach with the kids is NOT what I would call a relaxing day. When I was younger, I'm pretty sure my mom ignored me and let me wander off to do my own thing. Now we are considered irresponsible if we don't stand over them.

Anyway, to our dismay there was a playground at the beach. At first one would think "What is the big deal about a playground at the beach? It sounds like fun." Normally I would think so too, except instead of having the beach experience of playing in the sand and going in the ocean, all the kids wanted to do was go down the slide. It was annoying because we have a slide in the backyard. Why did we travel 60 miles to do this? Karen and I wanted to sit in our beach chairs and chat while the kids played in the sand right in front of us. We didn't want to use up energy walking over to the playground and disciplining other people's kids.

Between the two of us, Karen and I have four kids, all girls. Their ages are: 6 on the cusp of 7, newly 6, 5 and 4 years old. Karen is a whore, she got pregnant when her daughter was only 3 months old. Three months after giving birth, I couldn't even think about sex. Honestly, 1 year after giving birth, I wasn't in the mood either. But I digress.

Since the kids wanted to hang out at the playground, we decided to plant our beach chairs there and keep an eye on them. For the most part, both of our kids are pretty much well behaved. They seemed to be a bit revved up at the playground though. I was a bit ashamed of the way my daughter was acting, but I was at the beach. I was lazy, trying to enjoy my day with Karen and I just wanted to sit. I was not in the mood for disciplining so I just let things slide. Normally I would have been Nazi-mom. A little while later, a man who had been pushing his daughter on a swing approached us. He asked (to both of us) "Do those girls belong to you?" I was kind of afraid to answer because I didn't know if he was asking because he wanted to scold us for having obnoxious kids. I owned up and said "Yes" though in my head I was saying sarcastically "No, I'm a pedophile scouting my next recruit." While preparing myself to be criticized on my parenting skills, the guy said to us, "I would like to take a dip in the ocean, would you mind keeping an eye on my daughter?"

HUH???? He wants me, "Stacey, I can't stand other people's children" to watch his kid? Brave soul. Maybe he thought Karen had a sweet disposition, which she does. But birds of a feather.....just sayin'. I know a lot of people don't write messages on my blog, but I would like to know from any of you out there: Would you leave your kid with a stranger? EVER?!? The man said "I need to get used to the water and then want to ride some waves, so I will be back in a half hour." I didn't see a watch on his wrist (and knowing that the lifeguards were not allowing people in the ocean beyond knee deep) so I answered that he needs to be back in 15 minutes. The guy sulked and said fine. But after he left, I had a paranoid feeling. What if he doesn't come back? Will it be like a Lifetime movie...daughter deserted at the beach and strangers take her home. I don't want another kid!!! But I wouldn't have the heart to turn her over to a foster parent. Then I thought, well, what if I want to leave and he's not back from his romp in the ocean? Would it be negligent of me to leave her? What's he going to do? Report to the police that he left his kid with a stranger and now she's gone?

He introduced his daughter to us and told her that we are going to watch her. He also instructed her that if she has a problem to come to us. I think the latter was going a bit too far. When my own kids tattle or whine my response is usually "I don't care." I can't imagine how I would react when a stranger does it to me. Then I thought, well do I have carte blanche in disciplining this kid while she's under my watch? Can I just stick her in time out until her father gets back? What concerned me even more is that we spend so much time and effort explaining Stranger Danger to our kids. Don't go in a car with a stranger! If a stranger comes up to you and asks you to help find their lost dog, run away! Even if they know you're name. Bad people don't always look like monsters, they can be good looking too. Now this guy is probably confusing the shit out of this girl by making her stay with a stranger.

Fortunately, a few minutes later the father returned. As I knew they would, the lifeguards did not allow him to swim due to the rough waters so he came back. Whew! My paranoid thoughts of him abandoning this girl was dismissed. I gave Karen a look like "thank God" and she breathed a sigh of relief that I didn't give the guy a lesson on what happens when you ask a stranger to watch your kid.

This Means War!

My daughter recently had color war at her camp. She told me that she needs to wear pink because she is on the pink team. THE PINK TEAM??? What, is she on the support the cure for breast cancer team? Color war teams are strong colors! Gold, Blue, Maroon, Gray. Not pink!

Turns out, at her camp Color War is girls versus boys!!!! How lame!! Who came up with this idea? Why would you put girls versus boys? Other than the sing and dance competition, if they even have one, you would think the boys would have an advantage on the sports. Not trying to be sexist, but I think the boys at her age would be able to run faster, tug a rope harder and throw a ball farther.

Anyway, the worst part of the color war being girls versus boys is the lack of competition between friends. It's a complete shame that these kids are not learning how to deal with conflict among their peers. Remember the days when you totally DESPISED your best friend because she was on the other team? Remember getting into physical fights with a sibling over something that happened at camp when you were on opposing teams??? NOW THAT'S A COLOR WAR!!! Of course, at the end of the week, about an hour after the winner was announced, everyone was back to normal. Your best friend before color war was now your best friend again. You and your sibling fought over other issues instead of "who cheated". Would it really be so terrible if this particular camp broke up the group, just for a few days? Teach the kids a life long lesson that despite differences and personal goals; in the end it all doesn't matter. Friendship prevails.

I miss the good fight.

Rub Down

I recently had the pleasure of being treated to a European massage. It is supposed to be a relaxing, non eventful experience. Of course, being the neurotic, screwed up person that I am..I can't just let it be stress free.

First, the scheduling. I have to make it on a Saturday because God forbid I am granted a day off of work. I call three weeks in advance and my time choices are limited to two. One at 9:00 am and the other at 4:00. 9:00 kind of sucks because its sooo early for a Saturday. But 4:00 sucks too because whatever I do that day, I have to keep looking at my watch to make sure I'm there. I chose the 9:00 because I figure I can roll out of bed, brush my teeth and go. It's not like I have to take a shower and look nice for a massage.

But of course, there is ALWAYS my doodie issues. I don't want to have to jump off the massage table and run to the bathroom. That would really bite the big one. Plus, my massage is only fifty minutes..I'm sure they would not tack the time I took out to poop and add it to the end. So, I make it a point NOT to eat anything for breakfast! I especially avoid coffee and milk. I have a glass of water and I'm out the door.

My second issue is underwear or no underwear?? I know a lot of women who get massages wearing thong underwear, but I never wear thong underwear. The times that I have tried it, I spent most of my day trying to pull out that wedgie that just won't go away. I don't get how people say it's comfortable. It's comfortable if you like that feeling of something stuck up your ass. The way I see it, when you are annoying to people, a lot of time their response is "what's up your ass"? So overall I don't think something up your ass is a good thing.

Anyway, if I don't wear underwear, will the masseuse accidentally touch something? Gross! Will she be grossed out that I am not wearing underwear? Such a dilemma. I decide to risk it and go "commando". The whole time I am in the robe, which has a kind of high slit, I am wondering if anyone can get a glimpse of my vagina. I hope not. When sitting on the couch, I don't dare even cross my legs or sit in a reclining position. I sit straight up with my knees pushed together.

After getting undressed and into my robe, I go in the "relaxation room". This is the room that is dark and soothing. In the background, lite music plays. The kind with no words and do not resemble any "mainstream" song. There is a note posted on the outside door that states this room is a quiet room. Keep conversation to a minimum and no phones. As usual they have a little spread of mini muffins and cut up bagel pieces. Do I or don't I? It's just a little muffin. What harm can it do? I go for the muffin..the mini muffin. What happens? A little piece of crumb sticks in my throat. I don't want to disturb the other girls so I try to do a little throat clearing. In the quietest way possible I make the "ahem" noise. Nothing. Now I breathe in. Totally made it worse! At this point I start coughing but I am really, really trying to be quiet about it. Should I leave the room so I can be loud? But what if they call me for my turn while I'm outside in the hall? Will they skip over me?? I need help making my decision, but I can't talk because I am choking plus my cell phone is in the locker room. My eye balls are rolling back and forth and the other women are staring at me. Not sure if they are annoyed that I am disturbing their "quiet time" or if they are wondering who is going to get up first and give me the Heimlich maneuver. Pretty awkward in robes. Finally, with a sip of cucumber flavored water (sounds fancy, but really icky), the crumb moistens and goes down. For that, I will reward myself with a free cappuccino after my massage. I don't even like cappuccino but as I mentioned, it's free, I was just in a near death experience and I'm going to take advantage.

I finally make it to my massage! I lie face down as instructed. As I'm getting my massage I hear a stomach rumble. I don't feel anything and I don't seem hungry. I decide it came from the massage therapist. She must be embarrassed. I don't say anything. Shortly after I feel a little bubble in my tush. HOLY CRAP, I can't believe it, I HAVE TO FART!. OH NO! Why is God punishing me???????? Ok, so I have a few options here: 1. I can squeeze my butt cheeks together and try to let it go slow and easy and hopefully undetected. The only problem with this option is that it may make a loud noise despite my efforts OR it may be silent but it could possibly smell. The scents they have already set up in the room for relaxation can't possibly mask the smell of a fart, could it? Also, the message therapist will probably notice that my butt cheeks are squooshed together, or even worse, ask me to relax. Option #2 is just to let it go. Hey, I'm a human and humans fart, right? Maybe she intentionally pushed on a pressure point that would make me fart and she wants to see if it worked. After about a half a second, I reject option #2. Despite my "no shame after giving birth" policy, I can't go through with it. Just not brave enough.

I leave the massage room very relaxed and with a smile on my face. I go back to the Relaxation Room which is now abuzz with yentas ignoring the quiet talking rule. As I sip on my free cappuccino, I set a mental reminder to tip the masseuse 20%. She was well worth it.

Sex Object

When it comes to alternative lifestyles, I have to admit I am very liberal. Seriously, I am so far left I'm practically out of the field. The way I see it, it's your life, your body, your preference. Why should I have any say over it? As long as your not probing me. I mean, except for out of the line stuff like pedophilia and beastiality, I really have no concern what someone else does with their free time or with their private parts. I wasn't even all that offended by Anthony Weiner posting his junk on Twitter. If that's how he wants to be remembered, so be it.

I have, however, recently come across a new (well, new to me) type of love. It's called Objectum Sexuality. I'm horrified! I never thought that I, Me, Ms. Open Minded 2011 could be offended by some one's lifestyle. I'm sure you are all wondering without scrambling to do a Google search what Objectum Sexuality is. Thanks to National Geographic, I have learned about a new lifestyle and will pass my new found information to you. (Who says my blog can't be educational?)

Objectum sexuality is when someone falls in love with a specific object. I'm not talking about being very fond of a certain type of collectible and having it displayed in your home. I'm talking about having emotional relationships with an inanimate object and even going as far to make out with it. Fucking gross! Experts say that these people are hard wired incorrectly. Really? Ya think? (Where's the sarcasm font when you need it?) Objectum sexuals also believe that the object returns the feelings. One of the examples was a man in love with his cars. He had a name for each car. He "bathed" (i.e. washed) his cars daily. While bathing his cars, he would caress it as if it were his girlfriend's breasts. He would even go as far as to French kiss it! He considered that "making love" to it. As he washes the car and rubs it with a cloth, it makes a squeaking noise. He believes that the squeak is the car communicating to him...like a woman would moan during intercourse.

I saw another example where a woman was in love with a wall. The Berlin wall to be exact! I almost understand the car more than a wall!!! A car has shape, it can be shiny and just visibly pleasurable. But a wall? A wall is boring, hard, cold and there just isn't anything sexy about it. She even had a long piece of wall, about 4 feet long that she slept with! How do you cuddle with a wall?

I guess in some way it has it's advantages though. I'm sure in this type of relationship normal conflicts that arise between couples don't exist. For instance, I'm sure this man and his car never argue over where they will spend holidays, like Thanksgiving. Non of the "Well, we went to your parents' house last year!". I'm sure the car also never proclaims that she isn't in the mood or has a head ache. She is pretty much available whenever he is ready. I think it's safe to say that this guy never goes to work and says "Man, Vanilla (one of his car's name) was such a nag last night". And I'm sure the wall woman never called her friend and complained about the wall leaving his dirty socks on the floor - AGAIN! They certainly never argue about money.

I wonder if the objectum sexuals go to therapy and complain about their partners not listening to them or that they don't feel "validated" by their partner. What about double dating? If a guy that you worked with and became friendly with talked about his girlfriend "Candy" a lot, a natural thing to do would be to invite your friend/coworker to go out with you and your partner. Can you imagine if your friend shows up in a red car and introduces "Candy" to you? I mean, what the heck do you do? Would it be inappropriate to go for a ride in it? The only place you could go on your double date would be a drive-in movie, drive through fast food or a car wash.

I just can't comprehend someone falling in love with something with no personality, no physical attractiveness and the inability to have a normal, intelligent conversation. After reading this, my husband has just discovered that he is an objectum sexual.

Pregnant and Stupid

To quote my sister "some people don't deserve to have money". I pretty much agree with her. When I think of wealthy people, I often have an illusion that the money came from either someone making smart decisions with their money or in their occupation which supplies their money. It's just so frustrating and disappointing when you witness wealthy people just acting like stupid idiots or spending their money on ridiculous things. I'm not talking about purchases of indulgence like jewels or plastic surgery. I kind of get that. Sometimes these people do such stupid shit with their money that you would think it makes more sense to take the cash and flush it down the toilet. At least it gets a little spin while going down.

Recently I discovered a new television show: Pregnant in Heels. At first glance I thought this show was about maternity fashion or pregnant models. Something like that. But then one day I saw a clip about an upcoming show and the episode was about a Jewish man and a Catholic woman about to have a baby together and making a decision about the baby's religion. Of course this intrigued me due to my interfaith marriage and I decided to watch the episode. Turns out I was wrong about the premise of the show. It is 100% more fucking stupid than I thought it was. It's about a *MATERNITY CONCIERGE who helps pregnant women / families with baby related issues.

* I know, you are probably wondering, as I did, what the fuck a maternity concierge is. Apparently for a bazillion centuries women have been bearing children and working out relationship conflicts while being pregnant with absolutely no help (except for meddling mothers or friends). The maternity concierge takes the intimacy out of intimate relationships and gets paid, a lot, to interfere with personal issues and decisions. It's the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. More humiliating than the Jersey Shore. I mean, women in third world countries who don't even live with comforts such as beds and running water have survived without a concierge.

Back to the episodes I watched. So this older, unattractive Jewish man was married to a younger, pretty woman....a shiska (gentile woman). I have a funny feeling her favorite color is green and her favorite metal is silver. Anyway, she was about a month away from giving birth and they had a dispute about what faith they would raise their child. Ummmm...you didn't talk about this prior to having children? How can you go into a marriage and bring another human to life without even mentioning issues that are important to you? The wife / mother in this episode said that walking into a Jewish temple would freak her out and make her extremely uncomfortable. Seriously? Just walking into a temple could do that? I've been to churches and according to them, my people killed their savior. I was fine. I didn't even get a rash. I won't bore you with the rest of the details, but the moral of this story (warning, spoiler alert) was that they compromise and when they baptize the baby, they have a naming (Jewish tradition) at the party for the baptism. I find it hard to believe that these two adults did not even think of some sort of compromise on their own. How the heck did they survive all these years? They had to pay tons of money to a concierge to think of a solution to a pretty significant but not so unique situation? Unbelievable!

The next episode was about naming the actual baby. The parents were having their third child and called in the concierge to help name their baby!!!!! Insane!! They wanted a name that other people would like so they insisted on getting a focus group to decide whether a name was nice or not. I have a hard time believing that these people have nothing better to do with their time and money! How can other people decide something like this? Not just because it's their child and they should be making this decision, but because names are very subjective. You take one name and a million people could love the name and another million could hate it. Both of the parents had very prestigious and impressive careers. Ones in which it would seem they could make decisions on their own. In the end, the couple came up with their own cock-a-mamie name that no one in the focus group liked anyway. The name was Bowen. Bowen? Isn't that a type of plane? ( I know, it just sounds like it). So if they were going to pick a stupid made up name that no one would like but them anyway...why bother with the concierge and focus groups? Again, throwing money down the toilet. They should have called me, paid me $1,000.00 and I would have told them how much I love their stupid name. I would have done it in half the time too.

Honestly, I don't really care about how people spend their money. I am not anti-rich. But, if you're going to behave like a fool and spend your money foolishly, don't do it publicly on cable tv. Your future children and grand children might see it and lose respect for you. Let someone like me still have faith that the smart and the hard working get rewarded.

Penis Envy

I guess I'll have to preface this by stating that I don't have a whole lotta experience with penises. My friend Tara says that you won't believe me. Ok, well, maybe I have come in contact with a couple of penises in my lifetime, but perhaps my eyes were closed at the time (or I could have been very well under the influence).

Well the other day I saw a penis and it was the oddest looking penis I have ever seen! I was baffled. I did a double take!

I know you are all wondering what I could have possibly been doing to randomly see an abnormal penis. I wish I could even come up with a story that would get you intrigued and would be so impressive that you would have to repeat it as if it were your own incident. But the reality is that I was picking up my daughter from daycare and I walked past the little kid bathroom. You know, the bathroom with the miniature size toilets and sinks that make grown ups feel like giants. Well, the bathroom is attached to the classroom and the door for the most part remains opened. As I walk past, my daughter says hi to the teacher in the bathroom, I look in and see this boy standing up, facing me, pants down and this bright red floppy thing attached to the end of his penis. You know those long narrow balloons that are used to create balloon art? Those type of balloons always have this "tail" at the end that doesn't hold air and kind of flops. That's exactly what it looked like! I really tried to look away! I'm not some kind of freaky, pedophile, boy penis looker atter. I was asking in my own head "what the heck is THAT?" I thought the poor kid had an infection on his penis!


The next day my suspicion was confirmed. It was an uncircumcised penis! Holy cow! Is that what it looks like? What do you do with that extra part? I never really gave much consideration to penises, circumcised or not. The most I ever thought about it was when I was pregnant. I told my husband that if we should have a boy (which we did not), my wish is that he be circumcised in the hospital and then we hire an actor to be a moyel for the bris. I am not the type who can hold a baby in my arms while a Jewish clergyman snips skin off him. I would go down, fast. Oops, I didn't mean it that way..I meant I would faint. Not a good thing to happen while holding a human.

Penises seem like a very convenient thing to have. I almost wish I had one. If I had a penis I could pee without undressing. I could pee in a public restroom without my purse hanging off around my neck so that it doesn't touch the floor. I could measure things without having access to a ruler and I could kill time my watching it grow and shrink, grow and shrink with just the touch of my hand. Oh what fun! I also would not need to go to the doctor once a year so he could examine it and stick cold metal objects inside either. BUT, they are U-G-L-Y! I'm not gonna get into the debate whether circumcising is necessary or more healthy, whatever. That's another argument that quite frankly I don't care who wins because it does not apply to me. All I have to say is, you got something that's ugly to begin with, why make it worse? The moral of the story is: The poor thing is unattractive but wants to be touched. Make it pretty. Leaving a long red floppy thing at the end is not going to make people want to see it more than they have to. Cut the damn flop off!

Driving Me Crazy

In the news: 4 year old child was shot while sitting in his car seat. The gunman shot a gun through the 4 year old's mother's car because she took too long to accelerate when the traffic light turned green. WHAT THE FUCK?????????? This is wrong on so many levels:

1. I kind of understand how it's annoying when the light turns green and the person in front of you does not go right away. My husband and I have a saying when it happens. One of us usually says rhetorically "Are you waiting for a nicer shade of green?" We may or may be in a rush at the time but about 20 seconds after the incident it is usually forgotten.

2. When did giving the finger become obsolete? Usually "the finger" is given at inappropriate and unwarranted times anyway...but it was, for the most part, sufficient in conveying the message. If this woman was taking so long to go at the green light, why didn't the shooter just honk his horn to alert her OR he could have simply drove around her. Is it possible that he didn't want to break the law by crossing over a double line???? I highly doubt it.

What is it about driving incidents that make people crazy?? I'll admit, I have had my share of being impatient. I have held my hand on the horn for an unreasonable amount of time, and on occasion I have done the "slow down" in front of someone who is on my ass. But never have I been that outraged that I would shoot a gun at somebody.

I have actually had fantasies where I throw an egg at the car of a driver who has done me wrong. In my fantasy a cop pulls me over and questions me. I respond by asking "who the heck drives around with an egg in their car?" Of course that crazy person would be me, but it would just be so outrageous that the cop would let me go. But another crazy fantasy of mine is to have the ability to crash cars into trees or telephone polls. When a driver is being a real asshole, I want to use my telepathic abilities to cause harm to that driver only. Why can't I just get over it? Why does the rudeness, selfishness and sometimes plain old ignorance cause me to have such an emotional reaction? Especially if no harm was actually caused?

Below are some infractions which drive me berserk. Of course, not berserk enough to shoot someone, but berserk enough to fantasize about mentally blowing the other car up into pieces:

1. Tailgating. Just fucking pass me! Chances are, I know that I am driving the speed limit or not much more and I am actually in the right lane. Just fucking pass me.

2. Not adhering to the "every other car" move. Ok, when there is a lane closure or a lane is ending, traffic flows so much smoother when everyone takes a turn going into the lane. I can't stand it when the guy next to you speeds up just so you can't be the next car. Oh wow, you're one car ahead of me. Whoopie!

3. Rude re-entry onto road after pulling over for an emergency vehicle. When I pull over because there is an ambulance or fire truck behind me with flashing lights..it really pisses me off when the car behind me pulls back out onto the road and does not let me on! COME ON! REALLY? I pulled over to help save someone's life and you can't let me go back onto the road? That's just rude and selfish.

4. YIELD! Yield really means stop and make sure the right of way car isn't going to slam into you. It does not mean "ignore this sign and speed up". Enough said.

5. Refusal to use blinker. Is it only me, or does it completely drive you crazy when you are at a traffic light in the left lane, the light turns green AND THEN the driver in front of you turns on his left turn signal???????? Fucking asshole, if you had your turn signal on, I would have gotten in the right lane.

6. Ok, not really a driving issue, but a vehicle issue. Vanity plates that you just can't figure out! Why get the plates if it is going to be a quiz trying to figure it out. Vanity plates should be short, witty and easy to translate. I shouldn't have to go 2 miles out of my way, following the car while trying to figure it out.

7. I really, really wish I could slam a car into a tree when I am waiting on a long line get off an exit and someone speeds up and tries to pull in front. I know I have to exit soon, I move into the right lane and simply wait my turn. Then some SELF RIGHTEOUS ASSHOLE who has this sense of entitlement decides that he can't be bothered to wait and he cuts in front of the line from the left lane. I just don't understand why these douche bags just can't wait like the rest of us. I'll let you in...but I'm going to use my telepathic skills to crash you into a tree. If my telepathic skills are not working, then I'm not letting you in. This is NOT going against my #2 rule of "every other" because technically this driver wasn't waiting for his turn. You know this guy was probably cute in elementary / high school and used to walk up to a homely girl on the lunch line and asked for frontsies. Oh, she gave it to him on the hopes he would like her for it...but the next day he went back to ignoring her.

If we could simply have the ability to communicate from car to car when an infraction occurs, it might eliminate this rage. Maybe drivers could calmly talk it out while at the same time driving to our destination. If that were the case, my daughters' knee jerk reaction to my saying the F word wouldn't be "What happened?". They would already know.

It's like the pot calling the kettle......

Black? African American? Colored? What are we allowed to call this kettle?

I was born in 1970 and I have always been white. In the 70's, 80's 90's and all through the 2000's I have always been identified as a white girl. Sometimes when completing an application or medical form, I am identified as Caucasian. But either way, I'm white, that's who I am and it's not offensive if someone who is non-white calls me such.

However, through out my life time and even a bit before, dark skinned, (not Indian or Asian) have had revolving terminology on how they can be identified.

I get that people should not be "labeled" and blah blah blah. But sometimes it's actually necessary to use descriptive terms. Let's say for instance I bought something from a stranger on Craig's List. We decide to meet at a public place to exchange money and product and I say to him "How will I know you are you"? He might say something like he will be wearing a green shirt. But what if he doesn't know what shirt he will be wearing that day? Can he just say "I'm 5'10", black and have short hair"? The "5'10" isn't offensive, the "short hair" isn't either. Why would saying the color of his skin be? I don't understand.

Let's change this scenerio a little. Let's say he said "I'm 5'10", African American and have short hair". Am I to assume he's black because he said "African American"? There aren't white people from Africa? I know some white JEWISH people from Africa. Isn't African American more of a description of geographical descent and not physical attribute?

In the early 1900's NAACP was founded. For those who aren't familiar with the acronym, it stands for the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. Colored people???? Aren't we all colored? I'm colored white. I'm certainly not transulent. Once the term "Colored People" was deemed unacceptable, I believe the next appropriate term was "Negro". I could not find any documentation time lining politically correct terms (i.e. Google came up with nothing, that's as far as my research goes). But I am relying on my memory of 1970's television shows such as All in the Family and The Jefferson's. I think they used the word Negro a lot. Then early 1980's "Negro" switched to Black and then very quickly in the mid
1980's the term "African American" took over and is still reigning champ.

Please don't twist this post as a racist thing. I'm not being racist..just racial. I have no issue, dislike or disdain for any group of people especially blacks, negros, colored people or African Americans. If white people kept switching their description I would be picking on them right now too. But while we are on the topic, does anybody know when Oriental became offensive too? Now it's Asian. I have heard that it's rude to call a person Oriental, and that only things can be Oriental like rugs, food, etc. Huh? What Chinese guy finally had enough, blew his top and went on rampage to make Oriental a bad word to say? Is it really that offensive? Asian is VERY broad range of nationalities. What if my friend wanted to set me up on a date and told me the guy was Asain? Well, hello...is he Indian, Israeli, what? How am I supposed to find this guy if my white friend can't say the word "Asian" without offending someone?

Anyway, I am bringing this up because I don't like trying to figure out what geographical region someone's ancestors orignated from in order to just describe an appearance. I am also bringing it up because it is now 2011. The term "African American" has run its course. It's about time for the non African Americans to get confused again on what we are allowed to say without being offensive. Maybe we can all just agree to say light, dark, or medium, medium with a yellow tint or medium with a redish tint and leave race and nationality out of the whole thing.

AND THE AWARD GOES TO ...

It should friggen go to ME! ME! I am the best actress in the world!

Every day of my life, almost every moment, I am acting. I act like a mom, I act like a happy employee, I act like a sane human being (Well, sometimes). Yes, it's all an act, and I deserve the award for pulling it off and fooling everybody.

My phoniness starts first thing in the morning when I have to wake my daughters up for school. The real mom would yank the covers back, say "get the hell up" and maybe even dump cold water on their heads. But the actress in me calmly sits down on the bed, moves the hair away from their face and lovingly wakes them up with back rubs and kisses. It takes me a few minutes to get into my role. I must meditate and visualize the calmness prior to going into their bedroom. And the award for best actress goes to..Me!

I walk into day care to drop my daughter off. I say "good morning" with a smile. Yep, acting again. I'm a miserable fuck and most likely it was not a good morning. Sometimes I retort with "Well, it is morning", but just by responding alone, I am in character and playing a role. I'm sure if you ask any of the teachers, they would say I'm pleasant. I usually wear a smile and engage in conversation. It is absolutely an act....and I am good ood ood ood.

Off to work I go. This is where my craft really shines. I can seriously be going off on my boss, giving attitude (the real me) and then "ring, ring!"; I answer the phone with a smile on my face. The victim on the other end of the phone line has no idea that two seconds ago I was a raging lunatic. From his point of view, I am sooo happy to be answering that phone, like it's what I wake up each morning dying to do. My responsiveness is quite the performance. Attempting to go above expectations and assist people in a timely manner. Acting!!! I really don't care that you want a copy of a letter that I already sent you. Fucking pay attention the first time, asshole. This happens a lot with the agents I work with. They call my office with an attitude about not being carbon copied on a communication. When I explain that they were carbon copied the same exact time I faxed the letter out (yes, I can enter several fax numbers at one time for a single transmission, that's how I keep track of who it goes to). I often get the response "OH, I didn't check my fax machine". Well, you know what you stupid dick head? Look at your in coming faxes first and THEN call me to bitch that you didn't get a copy. Of course, being the fine actress that I am, I reply in a calm, friendly way that I will resend the document". I am able to remain in character until I disconnect the call (my version of the director calling "cut") and then calling that person a stupid bitch.

What pisses me off the most is that these paid for actors, the entertainers, really get awards for doing it...and worse of all, such a big deal is made about it. Let's put this in perspective: these people ENTERTAIN for a living. That's worthy of an award????? One in which they get a couple of minutes to thank people and have a platform for their ridiculous monologues. They PRETEND for a living. Most of the time they don't even have to create. It's someone else's job to write the words they need to say. (At least in my profession it's ad lib).

Wouldn't it be awesome if you woke up each morning and someone handed you a sheet of paper with every line you were going to say that day? I mean, you would know early on in the day what shit was going to come your way. You would also know how the other party is going to react! Because it's in your script! Damn I wish my day was like that.

It's also someone else's job to create the actors' costumes (I have to go out and buy my own clothes to perform my job). It's someone else's job to put on their make-up. If you ever saw me without mine, you would think I deserve an award for how I turn out after I apply. All these performers have to do is show up and read a line and make it believable. Again, my daily life...and it's all day long. Not just until the shooting is done. Plus, if they screw up, they get to do it again!!!! How many people can say that about their position? I screw up and I'm literally screwed. No re-do's. It's on to damage control.

I think real working people should get paid tons of money and have televised award shows. The doctor who performed emergency surgery and saved a person's life should actually have the opportunity to get a trophy and thank the people who supported him. Why is an actor, pretending to be a doctor, pretending to save some one's life, getting such an award? I think the administrative support employee should get an award for successfully covering up her boss' error. On the spot, coming up with dialogue to diffuse a situation. Keeping an account when such a fuck up occurs. "And the award for supporting actress goes to...." I mean there are many people in this situation who have to immediately come up with verbal resolution to appease a client. They are the real heroes! Where's their award? How come they aren't on tv telling people how they single handily saved the day. They don't get to go on stage and thank their spouses for their support. And these people get paid FAR LESS money than the people who act out their job on tv or the big screen. What about Michelle Pfiefer in that movie where she's a teacher to an unruly class. She got paid a bazzillion times more than any real teacher of an unruly class would. It's really unfair to those teachers who actually live that life and nobody calls out the word "CUT!" to get the assholes to stop. But this woman who pretended to want to beat the shit out of her students because they drove her crazy got more accolades than any real teacher who showed such restraint.

The only exception to this is Charlie Sheen. In light of recent events, I do believe he is worth tons of money and should get an award. Like me, he is certifiably crazy and he somehow pulls it together and acts NORMAL on tv. Now that's talent.

I HEART Valentine's Day

Roses, candy, romantic dinners, touching greeting cards.

I WANT NONE OF IT!!!!!!! REALLY!

Valentine's Day has to be the dumbest, most ridiculous day of observance in the history of life.

I'm not just saying this because my youth was full of imbalanced hormones, zits, unruly hair and social ineptness which resulted in not receiving any Valentine's. I am not bitter. I don't reject Valentine's Day as a defense mechanism for having false expectations.

It really is just stupid.

When my husband and I were approaching our first Valentine's Day, I intervened his thoughts. Prior to Valentine's Day I informed him that it is not really a holiday I care about. No need to purchase over priced flowers. No need to take me out to a pre-fixe dinner. Just ignore the day. At first he was skeptical. He asked his buddies at work what he should do. They all insisted I was lying and that it was a test. NUH-UH. He came home with some flowers. It was nice, but really, if he came home with nothing it would have had the same affect on me.

Why should Hallmark decide what day my significant other should express his affection for me and vice versa? Wouldn't it be more affective if it were done on a whim or on a day when society isn't telling me to do it?

In fact, I think Valentine's Day is kind of cruel. In elementary school, we were forced to give every kid in the class a Valentines, even if we couldn't stand the kid. I'm guilty..I made my own daughter do it. But what does it ultimately teach these kids? When they get a bit older and they stop receiving Valentines, they are going to be clueless, wondering what happened. I can just picture poor Stuey wondering why Ashley gave him a card that read "Choo Choo Choose Me" in the 5th grade yet she won't even acknowledge him when they get to 6th grade. Now if Stuey never got a card to begin with, he wouldn't expect one anyway, right? But society tells us that Stuey should get a card just because it's Valentine's Day.

Also, doesn't Valentine's Day promote having babies out of wedlock? I mean, here we are teaching kids the birds and the bees and that babies come when two people love each other. Then Valentine's Day rolls along and these kids are declaring love to each other, whether they really love the person or not. I see it coming...FREE LOVE! Do the math:

Valentine's Day = Day to show love. Show Love = sex. Therefore Valentine's Day = Sex.
Kids are learning this as early as the first grade! How are we, as responsible parents, supposed to raise our children with morals and respect when we have this day, MARKED ON THE CALENDAR, telling them to go out and have sex just because it's the day to it?

Then you have the lonely hearts club who are miserable on Valentine's Day. Every day they come across something subtle which reminds them that they don't currently have a significant other. Cooking dinner for one, conversations with the cat, and nobody calling to say goodnight. But then you have Valentine's Day and it just shoves the reminder IN THEIR FACE. Now how romantic and loving is that? She'll stay home from work because she won't want to see all of her college's flower deliveries. She won't want to explain why her "boyfriend" who lives in "Canada" didn't send her anything.

You also have these die hard Valentiner's who get angry if they don't go out for dinner or don't get a gift. I believe these people are totally insecure with themselves and with their relationships. do I need my boyfriend / husband, etc to validate our relationship all the time? Do I especially need it because there is a pre printed mark on my calendar showing "Valentine's Day"? Absolutely not. I know he loves me and he knows I love him back. Getting a friggin box of chocolates in not going to change a thing.

Toddlers and Tiaras....and TRASH!

Watched one episode of the show. I want to throw up.

I am all for boosting my child's self esteem, building confidence, learning about competition and coping with losing and creating a great public speaker. But is putting on tons of make up, false teeth and wigs the way to do it???? I don't think so. These moronic parents (mostly mothers)insist that's why they put their kids in these god awful pageants. Really? Is that why?

I noticed that most of these mothers are obese, ugly or both. My opinion is they are reliving their ugly and miserable childhood by making their girls even more attractive to pedophiles. The mothers also justify entering their kids into these pageants because they can win great cash prizes. Obviously the mothers don't understand basic math....If you spend $500.00 to $1,000.00 on dresses, another $200 to $800.00 on bathing suits and then even more money and makeup, but you win $500.00 in the pageant..you are still in the red BIG TIME. Duh.

I truly believe that this show should be watched by social workers. It will give them the proof they need to educate other parents on how NOT to be parents. I don't think these pageant moms are damaging their child enough to be taken away..but perhaps they can be persuaded to take a parenting class or the government can intervene to have these mothers sterilized.

Here are some of the examples of awful mothering I witnessed on this show:

1. A five year old using a pacifier in between events? Does the mom think that because the older pageant kids wear false teeth anyway it won't matter what her kid's teeth end up looking like? Plus to have a five year old dependent on that thing? I'm sure that dependency will lead to other vices, or even worse, other oral fixations when she's a teen. She'll end up on MTV's Teen Mom. Oh wait, you can't get pregnant that way.

2. Feeding a girl (I'm talking 8 or younger I'm sure) Red Bull and Pixie Sticks. Why stop there? How about a handful of Ecstasy and some strobe lights for her talent. I'm not trying to put out a Holier than Thou vibe, but my kids, now ages 6 and 3 think they are allergic to soda. That way they don't ask for it and when they see other kids with it, they believe it will make them sick and they can't have it. Why get them started? (unlike me, where I need my Coke or Dr.Pepper fix a couple times a week). Like the girl in #1, if she starts off on Red Bull, what will that escalate to? Is Red Bull a gateway drink to harsher beverages? Lattes at 10 years old? As for the Pixie Sticks...with childhood obesity on the rise, why not just give her a packet of sweet and low instead? I smell a good case of diabetes for this poor kid.

3. Having a child's eyebrow waxed??? Come on! That is a little extreme. The poor girl was crying and begging for mercy! Is the friggin $500 and trophy worth your child begging to stop the pain. Yes, it stings..but for a kid with sensitive youthful skin, that sting has got to feel a lot worse! I never even heard of eyebrow waxing until my late 20's when someone suggested I do it for my wedding. And you should have seen my eyebrows! I looked like a descendant of Bert from Sesame Street. Go ahead, check out my facebook pictures and see my college photos. I ain't lying.

4. Other bells and whistles such as spray tanning, wigs / hair pieces, false teeth, false eyelashes and even acrylic nails. Acrylic nails, on a five year old. Give me a break! Is having nice nails really going to be a deal breaker at a kid's beauty pageant? Oh, her talent was explaining in full accuracy the string theory while juggling, but her she had a chip in her nail paint so she's disqualified. Do these mom's realize how damaging the acrylic nails are to the nail beds? Do they also realize how damaging it is to the child to not believe in their true beauty? That they can only be beautiful with all this crap???? More ranting on this below:

What kills me the most is that the mothers claim that the "Beauty Pageant" is all about being a well rounded person. Hmmmm..then why is sooo much money spent and focus on the physical beauty? And then why don't then call it an "Amazing Ability" pageant? It's hard not to be beautiful with the magic of makeup, wigs, spray tanning and false everything else. If it ISN'T a beauty pageant, why go through all that trouble? To be honest, young girls are really, really cute! Why don't they have the pageant based on their true beauty? Without smoke and mirrors? That would be a real contest. I mean who is actually the true winner in this contest, the kid or the person who did the best job applying the makeup? Maybe the makeup artist should get the trophy.

The girls should get up on stage, sans makeup and frills, speak and perform a talent. Let the girls know, at a young age, that they can be successful, talented and a well rounded person without faking their appearance.

On the episode I watched, a pageant mother said,"Let's be honest, better looking people become more successful". Ok, so why send your kid to school or promote good grades? Why even bother with the talent then? And if your kid is beautiful only because you put tons of applications on their face and head to make them that way, will they truly be successful?

By the way, have you ever seen a picture of Bill Gates, Oprah or Hillary Clinton??????????????

Eat Me

Fitness fanatics are self righteous assholes! Seriously! I don't mean the people who go to the gym and work out and keep in shape. I mean the people who get involved with legislation and persuade the government to implement these cockamamie rules and laws for dining. I would like to take my fork and poke it into their asses!

Ok, so I would say I'm "average" when it comes to eating and fitness. In my former life when I worked full time but didn't have kids, I went to the gym several times a week. I didn't necessarily eat well at all times but I wasn't a pig either. Prior to giving birth I was about 5'1" and 103 pounds. I am not 103 anymore, but my pants size are still single digits. I am not one to over do it either. At all you can eat buffets (which usually suck anyway), the restaurant makes money off of me. I don't take advantage and when I'm done, I'm done. There are people out there that don't know when to stop or just enjoy it so much they don't want to. BUT....who the fuck am I to get government involved? Should I start legislation to put a limit on the amount of times a customer can get up and put more food on his plate? No, because I'm not an asshole.

My anger started quite some time ago which I'll get into later...but the camel's back broke when I went to Ihop for breakfast last week. It was a Saturday morning and the kids were at a sleepover. Hooray! I had the morning off! I could sleep later, I don't have to rush off to dance school. Free for a few hours! My husband and I decide to grab some breakfast. We go to Ihop (which I have dubbed ICrap because it makes me crap more than it makes me hop). Anyway, I open the menu to browse and what the fuck do I see? Calorie counters for each menu item! (let out a big sigh here). You know, I really, really want to enjoy my breakfast. I don't want to see the damage! I know it's not going to be the healthiest meal. I knew that going in! If I wanted healthy and not very tasty I would have stayed home and made some egg whites with no cheese and some plain oatmeal with no flavoring like yummy maple and brown sugar. Putting the calorie counter on it really just turned me off to wanting to order anything. Some of the meals had over a thousand calories! I can't do that, especially since I no longer work out. BUT, if the calories were not listed, SURE I would have ordered it! These self righteous assholes (for now on referred to as SRA) cry to the government that since THEY want to know, everyone else should know too. Heck no! I enjoy being in denial. I'm an adult who can make my own decisions and I don't need information shoved in my face. If I want to know, I will ask. If these SRA's are so worried about not knowing the calories of a meal, they can do one of the following:
1. Don't go to the restaurant.
2. Look up the calories on-line before they go.
3. Ask the manager to see documentation.
4. Eat it anyway and then stick their finger down their throat and throw it up. Viola'! Calories be gone!

As I mentioned, my anger started a while ago. I heard on the radio that some person, group, whatever- an SRA, was getting the government involved with Happy Meals at McDonalds. They were complaining that happy meals should not contain toys because it targets children and makes the children want unhealthy foods. Huh??? For real??? A parent, who I am assuming is a grown up, needs the government involved so they can tell their child "NO"? I don't get it. Of course a kid is going to want a toy! My daughters constantly ask for those annoying, toxic play things that they only get when an Aunt takes them for lunch. But it's really up to the adult in this situation to decide what food items they purchase. McDonalds does has apple slices. They have salads AND you can even purchase the stupid toy without buying a Happy Meal. But you know what? If I want to splurge once in a while and get my kid a freaking toy AND some french fries on the side..I should be allowed to do it. I don't need big brother telling me that it's not a good healthy choice. I know that fuckheads..but if it's not a constant, it's not lethal.

Listen up, SRA's....You don't go to a strip club for spiritual guidance. You don't got to a candy store and ask for diet pills. And when you go to a place like IHop or McDonalds, you know what you are in for when you pull into the parking lot. Stop playing Holier Than Thou and make your own wise decisions. Don't force the government to make them for everybody else too.

Now excuse me while I go throw up my McGriddle. It has waaay too many calories.