Tuesday, November 30, 2010

16 and pregnant

...a modern day version of the immaculate conception.

If you are easily offended by religious satire, please skip this post. In fact, you might want to skip most of my posts.

Mary: (sob) Mom, (sob)... I think I may be pregnant.

Mom: (Imagine the panicky voice from "A Christmas Story" when the mom found out her son said a bad word.) Whaaaat? Whaaat?

Mary: I didn't get my period!

Mom: Dammit Mary! Don't they teach you sex-ed in school? How did this happen? How am I going to tell your father?

Mary: Yes, they teach us sex-ed. But I swear, I didn't have sex!

Mom: Mary, so now you are not only a slut, but you're a liar too? Please, do you think I'm a idiot or something?

Mary: No mom, you're not an idiot. An angel came to me and told me that God would make me pregnant.

Mom: That's it! I'm suing your school district.

Mary: What, why?

Mom: Why? Because isn't the school district always at fault and responsible when a minor does not behave properly or breaks a law outside of school. Isn't their responsibility to raise you with morals and respect. It certainly isn't MY fault you're knocked up.

Mary: Mommmmm! Ugh, you always have to embarrass me! Can't you leave me alone??

Mom: (Slapping her forehead) Oy Vey! C'mon, let's go take care of this.

Mary: NOOOOOO! Joseph said he was going to marry me anyway.

Mom: Joseph, the carpenter? That schmuck is the father?

Mary: No, I told you the Holy Spirit, God, is the father. I have been seeing Joseph and he wants to marry me.

Mom: And Joseph believes this cockamamie story?

Mary: Yes, we both had a visit from Angels. Except my angel told me to name the baby Immanuel and his angel told him to name the baby Jesus. It's gonna be a boy!!!!

Mom: Well, if you're going to have this baby, I want you to name him after my father, Saul.

Mary: We'll see about that. Are you going to throw me a shower?

Mom: No, Jews don't have showers, it's bad luck. I'll buy you something after the baby is born.

Mary: But how am I going to have the stuff I need for the baby?

Mom: Why don't you dump Joseph the carpenter and tell Ira the accountant or Joshua the lawyer that they are the dad? Who ever heard of a blue collar Jew anyway? Can you imagine having Shabbot dinner with Joseph's parents? The mother is such a meeskite.

(Translation -Meeskite = yiddish for ugly woman).

Mary: Well, I already called MTV and they are coming tomorrow to start documenting my pregnancy. They'll put cameras up in the house, follow me around and I'll even get to give birth on tv!

Mom: Great, so now not only will I be a grandmother at 45 years old, all the yenta's at the salon are going watch my life unfurl on tv. You're not going to say on tv that you are virgin are you? Everyone will think I'm the mom of a crazy girl. I swear, if I get kicked out the country club for this, I am disowning you.

Mary: No mom, you'll be the star of the country club. Because, guess what? MTV is also going to feature our family and baby Jesus' first year on Teen Mom too! Awesome!

Mom: MOISHE, HUNNY, Get me some Xanax, NOW!!!!!!!!!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Stay Tuned (please)

I know, I haven't posted in quite a while. But I have a valid excuse. You have all heard of the saying "making a long story short". Well I'm about to make a short story long.

My husband is allergic to chicken. I kind of get sick of eating beef sometimes, plus it's not so good for chloesteral to keep eating meat. Anyway, I was looking for a recipe for ground pork, and being raised Jewish, it's not like I had too many learned pork meals.

I went on google and did a search for ground pork sandwiches. I got a list of good choices and picked one that sounded interesting. Bad move. When I clicked on the link, I got a website called You Porn. Like You Tube. Same design and everything. After my eyes registered what I was seeing..my computer went bezerk. I was screaming at my computer, "I SAID PORK! NOT PORN!!" I now can no longer get internet access, and quite frankly I'm a little scared of it too. I need to find someone who can fix my computer. He not only has to fix my computer but also not rip me off at the same time. In addition, he can't be skeptical of my story. I don't need him thinking I'm a pervert and then want me to pay in porn trade or something.

I am using my husband's work lap top to write this apology / explanation. Please don't give up on me. Keep checking StaceySaidIt. I will have something new soon. Thank you.