Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Penis Envy

I guess I'll have to preface this by stating that I don't have a whole lotta experience with penises. My friend Tara says that you won't believe me. Ok, well, maybe I have come in contact with a couple of penises in my lifetime, but perhaps my eyes were closed at the time (or I could have been very well under the influence).

Well the other day I saw a penis and it was the oddest looking penis I have ever seen! I was baffled. I did a double take!

I know you are all wondering what I could have possibly been doing to randomly see an abnormal penis. I wish I could even come up with a story that would get you intrigued and would be so impressive that you would have to repeat it as if it were your own incident. But the reality is that I was picking up my daughter from daycare and I walked past the little kid bathroom. You know, the bathroom with the miniature size toilets and sinks that make grown ups feel like giants. Well, the bathroom is attached to the classroom and the door for the most part remains opened. As I walk past, my daughter says hi to the teacher in the bathroom, I look in and see this boy standing up, facing me, pants down and this bright red floppy thing attached to the end of his penis. You know those long narrow balloons that are used to create balloon art? Those type of balloons always have this "tail" at the end that doesn't hold air and kind of flops. That's exactly what it looked like! I really tried to look away! I'm not some kind of freaky, pedophile, boy penis looker atter. I was asking in my own head "what the heck is THAT?" I thought the poor kid had an infection on his penis!

The next day my suspicion was confirmed. It was an uncircumcised penis! Holy cow! Is that what it looks like? What do you do with that extra part? I never really gave much consideration to penises, circumcised or not. The most I ever thought about it was when I was pregnant. I told my husband that if we should have a boy (which we did not), my wish is that he be circumcised in the hospital and then we hire an actor to be a moyel for the bris. I am not the type who can hold a baby in my arms while a Jewish clergyman snips skin off him. I would go down, fast. Oops, I didn't mean it that way..I meant I would faint. Not a good thing to happen while holding a human.

Penises seem like a very convenient thing to have. I almost wish I had one. If I had a penis I could pee without undressing. I could pee in a public restroom without my purse hanging off around my neck so that it doesn't touch the floor. I could measure things without having access to a ruler and I could kill time my watching it grow and shrink, grow and shrink with just the touch of my hand. Oh what fun! I also would not need to go to the doctor once a year so he could examine it and stick cold metal objects inside either. BUT, they are U-G-L-Y! I'm not gonna get into the debate whether circumcising is necessary or more healthy, whatever. That's another argument that quite frankly I don't care who wins because it does not apply to me. All I have to say is, you got something that's ugly to begin with, why make it worse? The moral of the story is: The poor thing is unattractive but wants to be touched. Make it pretty. Leaving a long red floppy thing at the end is not going to make people want to see it more than they have to. Cut the damn flop off!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Driving Me Crazy

In the news: 4 year old child was shot while sitting in his car seat. The gunman shot a gun through the 4 year old's mother's car because she took too long to accelerate when the traffic light turned green. WHAT THE FUCK?????????? This is wrong on so many levels:

1. I kind of understand how it's annoying when the light turns green and the person in front of you does not go right away. My husband and I have a saying when it happens. One of us usually says rhetorically "Are you waiting for a nicer shade of green?" We may or may be in a rush at the time but about 20 seconds after the incident it is usually forgotten.

2. When did giving the finger become obsolete? Usually "the finger" is given at inappropriate and unwarranted times anyway...but it was, for the most part, sufficient in conveying the message. If this woman was taking so long to go at the green light, why didn't the shooter just honk his horn to alert her OR he could have simply drove around her. Is it possible that he didn't want to break the law by crossing over a double line???? I highly doubt it.

What is it about driving incidents that make people crazy?? I'll admit, I have had my share of being impatient. I have held my hand on the horn for an unreasonable amount of time, and on occasion I have done the "slow down" in front of someone who is on my ass. But never have I been that outraged that I would shoot a gun at somebody.

I have actually had fantasies where I throw an egg at the car of a driver who has done me wrong. In my fantasy a cop pulls me over and questions me. I respond by asking "who the heck drives around with an egg in their car?" Of course that crazy person would be me, but it would just be so outrageous that the cop would let me go. But another crazy fantasy of mine is to have the ability to crash cars into trees or telephone polls. When a driver is being a real asshole, I want to use my telepathic abilities to cause harm to that driver only. Why can't I just get over it? Why does the rudeness, selfishness and sometimes plain old ignorance cause me to have such an emotional reaction? Especially if no harm was actually caused?

Below are some infractions which drive me berserk. Of course, not berserk enough to shoot someone, but berserk enough to fantasize about mentally blowing the other car up into pieces:

1. Tailgating. Just fucking pass me! Chances are, I know that I am driving the speed limit or not much more and I am actually in the right lane. Just fucking pass me.

2. Not adhering to the "every other car" move. Ok, when there is a lane closure or a lane is ending, traffic flows so much smoother when everyone takes a turn going into the lane. I can't stand it when the guy next to you speeds up just so you can't be the next car. Oh wow, you're one car ahead of me. Whoopie!

3. Rude re-entry onto road after pulling over for an emergency vehicle. When I pull over because there is an ambulance or fire truck behind me with flashing really pisses me off when the car behind me pulls back out onto the road and does not let me on! COME ON! REALLY? I pulled over to help save someone's life and you can't let me go back onto the road? That's just rude and selfish.

4. YIELD! Yield really means stop and make sure the right of way car isn't going to slam into you. It does not mean "ignore this sign and speed up". Enough said.

5. Refusal to use blinker. Is it only me, or does it completely drive you crazy when you are at a traffic light in the left lane, the light turns green AND THEN the driver in front of you turns on his left turn signal???????? Fucking asshole, if you had your turn signal on, I would have gotten in the right lane.

6. Ok, not really a driving issue, but a vehicle issue. Vanity plates that you just can't figure out! Why get the plates if it is going to be a quiz trying to figure it out. Vanity plates should be short, witty and easy to translate. I shouldn't have to go 2 miles out of my way, following the car while trying to figure it out.

7. I really, really wish I could slam a car into a tree when I am waiting on a long line get off an exit and someone speeds up and tries to pull in front. I know I have to exit soon, I move into the right lane and simply wait my turn. Then some SELF RIGHTEOUS ASSHOLE who has this sense of entitlement decides that he can't be bothered to wait and he cuts in front of the line from the left lane. I just don't understand why these douche bags just can't wait like the rest of us. I'll let you in...but I'm going to use my telepathic skills to crash you into a tree. If my telepathic skills are not working, then I'm not letting you in. This is NOT going against my #2 rule of "every other" because technically this driver wasn't waiting for his turn. You know this guy was probably cute in elementary / high school and used to walk up to a homely girl on the lunch line and asked for frontsies. Oh, she gave it to him on the hopes he would like her for it...but the next day he went back to ignoring her.

If we could simply have the ability to communicate from car to car when an infraction occurs, it might eliminate this rage. Maybe drivers could calmly talk it out while at the same time driving to our destination. If that were the case, my daughters' knee jerk reaction to my saying the F word wouldn't be "What happened?". They would already know.