Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Sex Object

When it comes to alternative lifestyles, I have to admit I am very liberal. Seriously, I am so far left I'm practically out of the field. The way I see it, it's your life, your body, your preference. Why should I have any say over it? As long as your not probing me. I mean, except for out of the line stuff like pedophilia and beastiality, I really have no concern what someone else does with their free time or with their private parts. I wasn't even all that offended by Anthony Weiner posting his junk on Twitter. If that's how he wants to be remembered, so be it.

I have, however, recently come across a new (well, new to me) type of love. It's called Objectum Sexuality. I'm horrified! I never thought that I, Me, Ms. Open Minded 2011 could be offended by some one's lifestyle. I'm sure you are all wondering without scrambling to do a Google search what Objectum Sexuality is. Thanks to National Geographic, I have learned about a new lifestyle and will pass my new found information to you. (Who says my blog can't be educational?)

Objectum sexuality is when someone falls in love with a specific object. I'm not talking about being very fond of a certain type of collectible and having it displayed in your home. I'm talking about having emotional relationships with an inanimate object and even going as far to make out with it. Fucking gross! Experts say that these people are hard wired incorrectly. Really? Ya think? (Where's the sarcasm font when you need it?) Objectum sexuals also believe that the object returns the feelings. One of the examples was a man in love with his cars. He had a name for each car. He "bathed" (i.e. washed) his cars daily. While bathing his cars, he would caress it as if it were his girlfriend's breasts. He would even go as far as to French kiss it! He considered that "making love" to it. As he washes the car and rubs it with a cloth, it makes a squeaking noise. He believes that the squeak is the car communicating to him...like a woman would moan during intercourse.

I saw another example where a woman was in love with a wall. The Berlin wall to be exact! I almost understand the car more than a wall!!! A car has shape, it can be shiny and just visibly pleasurable. But a wall? A wall is boring, hard, cold and there just isn't anything sexy about it. She even had a long piece of wall, about 4 feet long that she slept with! How do you cuddle with a wall?

I guess in some way it has it's advantages though. I'm sure in this type of relationship normal conflicts that arise between couples don't exist. For instance, I'm sure this man and his car never argue over where they will spend holidays, like Thanksgiving. Non of the "Well, we went to your parents' house last year!". I'm sure the car also never proclaims that she isn't in the mood or has a head ache. She is pretty much available whenever he is ready. I think it's safe to say that this guy never goes to work and says "Man, Vanilla (one of his car's name) was such a nag last night". And I'm sure the wall woman never called her friend and complained about the wall leaving his dirty socks on the floor - AGAIN! They certainly never argue about money.

I wonder if the objectum sexuals go to therapy and complain about their partners not listening to them or that they don't feel "validated" by their partner. What about double dating? If a guy that you worked with and became friendly with talked about his girlfriend "Candy" a lot, a natural thing to do would be to invite your friend/coworker to go out with you and your partner. Can you imagine if your friend shows up in a red car and introduces "Candy" to you? I mean, what the heck do you do? Would it be inappropriate to go for a ride in it? The only place you could go on your double date would be a drive-in movie, drive through fast food or a car wash.

I just can't comprehend someone falling in love with something with no personality, no physical attractiveness and the inability to have a normal, intelligent conversation. After reading this, my husband has just discovered that he is an objectum sexual.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Pregnant and Stupid

To quote my sister "some people don't deserve to have money". I pretty much agree with her. When I think of wealthy people, I often have an illusion that the money came from either someone making smart decisions with their money or in their occupation which supplies their money. It's just so frustrating and disappointing when you witness wealthy people just acting like stupid idiots or spending their money on ridiculous things. I'm not talking about purchases of indulgence like jewels or plastic surgery. I kind of get that. Sometimes these people do such stupid shit with their money that you would think it makes more sense to take the cash and flush it down the toilet. At least it gets a little spin while going down.

Recently I discovered a new television show: Pregnant in Heels. At first glance I thought this show was about maternity fashion or pregnant models. Something like that. But then one day I saw a clip about an upcoming show and the episode was about a Jewish man and a Catholic woman about to have a baby together and making a decision about the baby's religion. Of course this intrigued me due to my interfaith marriage and I decided to watch the episode. Turns out I was wrong about the premise of the show. It is 100% more fucking stupid than I thought it was. It's about a *MATERNITY CONCIERGE who helps pregnant women / families with baby related issues.

* I know, you are probably wondering, as I did, what the fuck a maternity concierge is. Apparently for a bazillion centuries women have been bearing children and working out relationship conflicts while being pregnant with absolutely no help (except for meddling mothers or friends). The maternity concierge takes the intimacy out of intimate relationships and gets paid, a lot, to interfere with personal issues and decisions. It's the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. More humiliating than the Jersey Shore. I mean, women in third world countries who don't even live with comforts such as beds and running water have survived without a concierge.

Back to the episodes I watched. So this older, unattractive Jewish man was married to a younger, pretty woman....a shiska (gentile woman). I have a funny feeling her favorite color is green and her favorite metal is silver. Anyway, she was about a month away from giving birth and they had a dispute about what faith they would raise their child. Ummmm...you didn't talk about this prior to having children? How can you go into a marriage and bring another human to life without even mentioning issues that are important to you? The wife / mother in this episode said that walking into a Jewish temple would freak her out and make her extremely uncomfortable. Seriously? Just walking into a temple could do that? I've been to churches and according to them, my people killed their savior. I was fine. I didn't even get a rash. I won't bore you with the rest of the details, but the moral of this story (warning, spoiler alert) was that they compromise and when they baptize the baby, they have a naming (Jewish tradition) at the party for the baptism. I find it hard to believe that these two adults did not even think of some sort of compromise on their own. How the heck did they survive all these years? They had to pay tons of money to a concierge to think of a solution to a pretty significant but not so unique situation? Unbelievable!

The next episode was about naming the actual baby. The parents were having their third child and called in the concierge to help name their baby!!!!! Insane!! They wanted a name that other people would like so they insisted on getting a focus group to decide whether a name was nice or not. I have a hard time believing that these people have nothing better to do with their time and money! How can other people decide something like this? Not just because it's their child and they should be making this decision, but because names are very subjective. You take one name and a million people could love the name and another million could hate it. Both of the parents had very prestigious and impressive careers. Ones in which it would seem they could make decisions on their own. In the end, the couple came up with their own cock-a-mamie name that no one in the focus group liked anyway. The name was Bowen. Bowen? Isn't that a type of plane? ( I know, it just sounds like it). So if they were going to pick a stupid made up name that no one would like but them anyway...why bother with the concierge and focus groups? Again, throwing money down the toilet. They should have called me, paid me $1,000.00 and I would have told them how much I love their stupid name. I would have done it in half the time too.

Honestly, I don't really care about how people spend their money. I am not anti-rich. But, if you're going to behave like a fool and spend your money foolishly, don't do it publicly on cable tv. Your future children and grand children might see it and lose respect for you. Let someone like me still have faith that the smart and the hard working get rewarded.