Sunday, July 17, 2011

Rub Down

I recently had the pleasure of being treated to a European massage. It is supposed to be a relaxing, non eventful experience. Of course, being the neurotic, screwed up person that I am..I can't just let it be stress free.

First, the scheduling. I have to make it on a Saturday because God forbid I am granted a day off of work. I call three weeks in advance and my time choices are limited to two. One at 9:00 am and the other at 4:00. 9:00 kind of sucks because its sooo early for a Saturday. But 4:00 sucks too because whatever I do that day, I have to keep looking at my watch to make sure I'm there. I chose the 9:00 because I figure I can roll out of bed, brush my teeth and go. It's not like I have to take a shower and look nice for a massage.

But of course, there is ALWAYS my doodie issues. I don't want to have to jump off the massage table and run to the bathroom. That would really bite the big one. Plus, my massage is only fifty minutes..I'm sure they would not tack the time I took out to poop and add it to the end. So, I make it a point NOT to eat anything for breakfast! I especially avoid coffee and milk. I have a glass of water and I'm out the door.

My second issue is underwear or no underwear?? I know a lot of women who get massages wearing thong underwear, but I never wear thong underwear. The times that I have tried it, I spent most of my day trying to pull out that wedgie that just won't go away. I don't get how people say it's comfortable. It's comfortable if you like that feeling of something stuck up your ass. The way I see it, when you are annoying to people, a lot of time their response is "what's up your ass"? So overall I don't think something up your ass is a good thing.

Anyway, if I don't wear underwear, will the masseuse accidentally touch something? Gross! Will she be grossed out that I am not wearing underwear? Such a dilemma. I decide to risk it and go "commando". The whole time I am in the robe, which has a kind of high slit, I am wondering if anyone can get a glimpse of my vagina. I hope not. When sitting on the couch, I don't dare even cross my legs or sit in a reclining position. I sit straight up with my knees pushed together.

After getting undressed and into my robe, I go in the "relaxation room". This is the room that is dark and soothing. In the background, lite music plays. The kind with no words and do not resemble any "mainstream" song. There is a note posted on the outside door that states this room is a quiet room. Keep conversation to a minimum and no phones. As usual they have a little spread of mini muffins and cut up bagel pieces. Do I or don't I? It's just a little muffin. What harm can it do? I go for the muffin..the mini muffin. What happens? A little piece of crumb sticks in my throat. I don't want to disturb the other girls so I try to do a little throat clearing. In the quietest way possible I make the "ahem" noise. Nothing. Now I breathe in. Totally made it worse! At this point I start coughing but I am really, really trying to be quiet about it. Should I leave the room so I can be loud? But what if they call me for my turn while I'm outside in the hall? Will they skip over me?? I need help making my decision, but I can't talk because I am choking plus my cell phone is in the locker room. My eye balls are rolling back and forth and the other women are staring at me. Not sure if they are annoyed that I am disturbing their "quiet time" or if they are wondering who is going to get up first and give me the Heimlich maneuver. Pretty awkward in robes. Finally, with a sip of cucumber flavored water (sounds fancy, but really icky), the crumb moistens and goes down. For that, I will reward myself with a free cappuccino after my massage. I don't even like cappuccino but as I mentioned, it's free, I was just in a near death experience and I'm going to take advantage.

I finally make it to my massage! I lie face down as instructed. As I'm getting my massage I hear a stomach rumble. I don't feel anything and I don't seem hungry. I decide it came from the massage therapist. She must be embarrassed. I don't say anything. Shortly after I feel a little bubble in my tush. HOLY CRAP, I can't believe it, I HAVE TO FART!. OH NO! Why is God punishing me???????? Ok, so I have a few options here: 1. I can squeeze my butt cheeks together and try to let it go slow and easy and hopefully undetected. The only problem with this option is that it may make a loud noise despite my efforts OR it may be silent but it could possibly smell. The scents they have already set up in the room for relaxation can't possibly mask the smell of a fart, could it? Also, the message therapist will probably notice that my butt cheeks are squooshed together, or even worse, ask me to relax. Option #2 is just to let it go. Hey, I'm a human and humans fart, right? Maybe she intentionally pushed on a pressure point that would make me fart and she wants to see if it worked. After about a half a second, I reject option #2. Despite my "no shame after giving birth" policy, I can't go through with it. Just not brave enough.

I leave the massage room very relaxed and with a smile on my face. I go back to the Relaxation Room which is now abuzz with yentas ignoring the quiet talking rule. As I sip on my free cappuccino, I set a mental reminder to tip the masseuse 20%. She was well worth it.