Tuesday, March 27, 2012


Ok, I always kind of knew that there was something out there. Something that created us all and all that this world offers. I just wasn't sure if it was called God. Well, I have had an epiphany. I found God. I'm pretty sure he is a practical joker or he has a real sick sense of humor.

No offense God, but I think as the creator of the universe, you kind of messed up. Religious folks would say that he didn't mess up, but all the things that we (or I ) think is screwed up, actually is intentional and has its purpose. I think he's trying to drive us nuts.

If I were the creator of the universe, this is how it would be done:

1. I would make healthy food taste awesome and want to spit out junk food. Why is it that the foods that will clog our arteries or make our stomachs turn to mush taste soooo good? How come it pains (some of) us to eat things like cauliflower. Yich! What lesson is god teaching us here? If he could create anything and everything, he should have made sure that the people He CREATED take good care of themselves by eating properly. The only way to ensure that is by making healthy foods really desirable. I know some people will argue and say that they really, really like vegetables, etc. However, is a salad really that good without the dressing? BAM! There's goes the healthiness by pouring on the fatty dressing. Why are Doritos so friggin good and addicting? They do nothing for us with regard to nutrition. I realize that man created Doritos, not God...but God created the man who created the Doritos. There's culpability there.

2. God got a little cocky. He was like "OH, there's 7 days in a week and I can create the entire world in 6". Fuck that. That gloating and showoff-ness really came back to bite us in the ass. He should have either taken another day to complete his work or made the week longer and rested for more than one day. Imagine if in the Bible, God tells us that he worked so hard to get it done in one week that as a result he really needed two days of rest to recover. He made some mistakes that he would not have made if he didn't rush and thought it through. Or he should say that he regrets rushing to get it done in 6 days and he over-extended himself. Now we get one day as the Sabbath. Of course, depending on which religion you are, the Sabbath, or day of rest is Saturday or Sunday. If God just said "Hey everyone, learn from my mistake. Don't work sooo hard and cram everything in." we might have two days of rest and perhaps a 4 day work week. We all know that Saturdays and Sundays are not both days of rest. One day is a "get all your shit done so you can be a couch potato the next day" day. Or, if you are a full time working mother, both days are "ok, I have all this shit to do that I can't do during the week because I'm at work" days. So, thanks a lot God. Everyone thinks I'M the slacker because you can create the universe in 6 days, but in seven days I can't even manage to clean my house, put the laundry away, take kids to dance lessons and cook 21 meals (3 squares a day).

3. I would have definitely made creating babies a lot harder. Not trying to be insensitive to those having a hard time getting pregnant. I mean it from the perspective of people having babies when they don't intend to. I think the process of making a baby should be more thought provoking and take more effort. One that's not enjoyable. Think of it this way. Making a baby requires having sex. People enjoy having sex. People have sex because they enjoy it but don't really want to make a baby in the process. I know there's prevention but it doesn't always work. The attempt to create a life should be something not so pleasurable, just so people really think twice about doing it. That way there is no accident. For instance, lets just say that in order for two people to make a baby, one has to remove the other's toenails and then pour alcohol on it. Fucking ouch, right? Now, wouldn't you think twice about doing that? Two 16 year old kids aren't going to go to the movies and then pull off each other's toenails in the back seat of the car afterwards. And two people who really, really want to start a family are going to make this sacrifice after truly discussing it and deciding that it's the right thing to do at the given time. This would eliminate several modern day problems: unwanted pregnancies, over population and the abortion debate.

4. And while we are on the topic of sex, God had it backwards. He made it so it was extremely easy for men to have orgasms and for most women it takes a bit of work. Hey, women are the ones who get stuck carrying the babies, ruining our figures, getting them out of our bodies and for the most part taking care of them once they are here. Why then, do the guys get most of the pleasure making them? Women should have sooo much easier to reach climax since we pay such a higher price of said act. Just sayin'.

5. I would create miracles every year or so. I mean real ones, not ones like "I won the lottery, it's a miracle" miracle. If I were God I would publicly announce myself to a large group. That way when it happens, it's not just one person saying that he spoke to God and everyone else thinking he was coo-coo. I would do it in the movie theater or at the Giants game. I would present myself somehow so people would be like "holy cow, he does exist!" No question. I'm the big shot here, let it be known.

6. Lastly, if I were God, I would have only created one religion. I mean, I realize he was trying to be multifaceted here. I understand that he wanted a variety of regions to have their own style of "Goding", but enough is enough. Tone it down. I'm not placing the value of one religion over the other, but wouldn't it be a kinder, albeit more boring, world if everyone just agreed in one religion. There wouldn't be extreme religions where it's acceptable to kill other people who don't believe in the same God as they do. People wouldn't whine about it not being fair that their workforce is closed for some religious holidays and not all. We would all get the same holidays off of work and all would be equal. I bet there would be a few less wars too.

There are few other minor things I would change too. Like outside creatures would not have access to the inside of homes. Mice, ants, stay the fuck out of my house. I don't trespass in your homes. I would split the world into four regions...winter, spring, summer and fall. That way, you pick the weather you like the best and you move into that region. No complaining in the winter that you hate the cold and no complaining in the summer that it's too hot. Just move to the place with the most desirable temperature.

My very very last modification would be the understanding of constructive criticism. I need to be assured that the real creator of this universe isn't getting pissed off at this post. Or else I may be in some serious trouble!