Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Gy(NO!) Visit

Many people have a certain time of the year where they get depressed. For some it's the holidays, others it's their birthday and a significant amount of people get depressed in the winter time. Me? My depression comes once a year when I have to have my annual at the gyno! (Enter sigh here). I'm cringing just thinking about it.

This year I got a great compliment when I went. The doctor asked "You're 39?" and I answered, "Yes, I will be 40 in June". Then he replied, "Well you look GREAT! You take good care of yourself". I was very happy when he said that but then it hit me that he was looking IN me at the time..not AT me! So, does that mean my cervix looks great for my age? Can I go around bragging that I am 40 years old but have the vagina of a 30 year old? I guess a compliment is a compliment and I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth..or in the crotch.

As I have explained in my other posts, I am a bit neurotic. Thoughts worry me that probably don't even enter other people's heads. If you dare to read'll find some of my crazy concerns and some great gyno ideas:

* Do I groom first? I don't mean brush it and put bows in it, but is it proper gyno etiquette to at least shave it down? Sometimes when I go to the dentist, I think about eating Oreos first to create a challenge for the dentist, shake up his day a little. Do I extend the same challenge to the Gyno? Isn't his job bad enough?
What if the doctor's office provided the service of waxing? Wouldn't that be great? I know many women, including myself who feel humilated going to get a bikini wax. It's embarrasing, it's awkward and it's just not fun. Soo, if you feel those emotions anyway while going to the gyno AND going to the "Spa" why not just get it all over with at one time???

By the way, for years I would only see female gynecologists. I just figured that there must be something wrong with a guy who wants to do this for a a pervert or something. I have since overcome that. But having a baby will do that to you. When you are in the hospital having a baby..EVERYONE, I mean EVERYONE lifts up that sheet around your legs and takes a peak. You just have no idea whether it's a doctor, nurse, custodian or visitor. But I digress, back to my issues:

*Why do they bother giving me the gown? They are looking at the most vulnerable part of me anyway. What? Covering my fat belly and droopy boobs are going to make me feel more modest? I think I would feel much better if maybe they threw a little towel over my front and then turned down the lights. He can use the little night light they keep at the end of the stirrups. Plus, in my opinion, he picked the short straw. I may be in this paper gown that rips when I put it on but I actually feel bad for him because he has to look at ME. Hey, I may be the naked one, but at least I don't have to see myself.

I once went to the doctor where instead of putting my legs up..the chair went all the way back and then up at the legs..kind of like a dentist chair but the back went down further and the leg part went up higher. Now that's service! It was awesome!!! She DID dim the lights and I almost felt as though I should be eating strawberries and sipping champagne. I was almost wishing for a high risk pregnancy just so I could go back to her.

*Oh my God, what if I fart? It could happen! What if he accidentally presses on a nerve or something and a fart sneaks out?? I would be mortified. To my knowledge this has never happened to me or anyone..but you just never know.

* My visit would definitely be more pleasurable if the office provided more services. Charge me a little more and put a flat screen tv on the ceiling. That way, I can focus on a reality tv show and not on the fact that there is someone looking and feeling my insides.

Also, while my feet are in stirrups..why not get a pedicure? Kill two birds with one stone, right? It would probably be easier for the manicurist too. They won't have to bend down to do my toes..since my feet will be up in the air supported by stirrups anyway. Also, it's not like I can leave work to get a pedicure..but it's a perfectly good excuse to leave work to go to the doctor. So what if I come back wearing flip flops with tissue between by toes.

So Gynos: If you're out there,reading this just remember the following:
TV on ceiling, pedicure, dim lights and just forget about the damn gown.

364 days until my next gyno anxiety attack.

1 comment:

  1. I HATE going to that yearly, too! I went to a gyno who had paintings on the ceiling-- thought it was thoughtful!!