Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I'm Done, Period!

I think at a certain age you should be able to elect to stop your period. I have now had my period for thirty years. YES, I SAID 30 YEARS! That is a looong time. Longer than any relationship I have ever had. I'm done having kids, there is absolutely no good reason why I should be ovulating. How about women who decide earlier on in life that they don't want children? Shouldn't they have the option to not have this monthly inconvenience?

I remember the day I got it. Just so happens it was my mother's birthday, that's why I remember the date. We had just returned home from our dinner out, I went to the bathroom and there it was. Ugh! Let the nightmare begin. So I tell my mom and instead of her being helpful or concerned or even sympathetic..what does she do? She slaps me across the face! What the fuck? Since when does bleeding from the vagina warrant getting slapped? It's not like I wiped it on her towels or something. Turns out it's some funky kind of tradition. Let me tell you, the tradition ended then! I will not be passing that one down to my girls. Before I knew it was a tradition, I just thought my mom was mad at me, perhaps for inconveniencing her, especially on her birthday. It's not like my mother ever had logical reasons for her outbursts before this happened. From then on when I got my period I was afraid to tell her. I didn't want to get slapped again. Thank goodness I have a sister who is ten years older than me. At least I could go down to her bathroom and steal her stash of pads. (Yes, Nancy, that's where they disappeared to).

Men don't think periods are such a big deal and wonder why we get cranky. Well, let me tell you, if men bled from their penises once a month, there would be legislation that they can get paid time off from work. It might even be considered a disability. Have you seen how they get when they have a cold or stomach ache? I bet they couldn't even handle it.

One of the benefits of electing to stop your period is not having to buy the paraphernalia. When people find out you are pregnant, they always make the same stupid joke "Better save up for diapers, you're gonna need them. Heh heh". Yeah, real funny and original-NOT. But when you first get your period, nobody says "Better save up for some sanitary napkins and tampons - you're gonna need it, Heh Heh". Meanwhile I have two kids and I only bought diapers for a total of about 3 years, and that's cumulative. I have been buying period supplies, which included Mydol and wine for 30 years! (Well, not the wine). That is just freaking nuts. Imagine how much money I have spent on it all these years. I'm sure it's more than my current salary. I'm actually glad that I was born when I was born though. Imagine the "olden days" when women had to wear that belt contraption? I would just die. I have also always wondered what do women in third world countries do? I mean, they must be able menstruate because they keep having kids..but they don't even wear clothes. Do they roll up a leaf or use the hair from a furry animal? Do they just let it drip down their leg? How come sociologists never do a documentary on this? I really want to know but I'm not getting a bazillion inoculations to go there and find out.

Another benefit of stopping your period is that you can actually plan a vacation, for whenever you want..not just try to figure out 4 months in advance if your going to have it the weekend you want to go away. I know some people are thinking, "What's the big deal if you have your period while on vacation?" Well, to me it is a big deal. I don't want to keep getting off the beach to change, I don't want to worry about drippage and I certainly don't want to be bloated. And forget hotel sex, that's NOT happening if I'm on the rag. Plus I have a unique issue. I'm pretty sure I mentioned this in one of my previous posts, but I'm too lazy to look so I'll just say it again. My daughter ruined my vagina. She came out at lightening speed. My first contraction was at 8:10 and she was born at 8:50. So fast that even the blood vessel in her eyes popped. Since then I have trouble keeping in tampons! If I sneeze, cough, laugh or even fart it falls out!! So if I'm on vacation while I have my period and I'm on the beach, I just have to make sure I don't do any of those things or else I'll be in the bathroom every ten minutes.

If I can elect to stop getting my period, I can also stop taking birth control. Let me tell you, not only is it expensive but it can kill you too! My friend Lori recently told me that she got pancreatice from taking a certain type of birth control. Damn! That seems not only painful, but pretty inconvenient for a stay at home mom. Who watches the kids while you're doubled over in pain on the floor? I copied and pasted the side effects of this particular birth control from their own website: leukorrhea, diarrhea, vomiting, vaginitis, flu syndrome, moniliasis, allergic reaction, cystitis, tooth disorder, sore throat, infection, fever, surgery, back pain, migraine, dyspepsia, rhinitis, acne, gastroenteritis, bronchitis, pharyngitis, skin disorder, intermenstrual bleeding, decreased libido, pain, increased cough, dizziness, pain in extremity, and pelvic pain.

Sounds like fun, doesn't it? All this to regulate your period and have the chance of not getting pregnant. I told Lori to quit birth control and tell her husband that she has headache instead. I would much rather go to the hospital, have surgery to stop my period and deal with the hot flashes and mood swings (which according to my husband I possess anyway). Oh, and speaking of birth control, have you ever seen the commercial for that birth control where it promotes not getting your period for several months? That totally scares me!!! I know, here I am complaining about having it, but I can't imagine altering my body where it only comes every few months. What does that say for PMS? (PRE-Menstrual Syndrome). Do you end up having all this pent up anger and emotion until 3 months later when you actually do get your period? At least each month you get to unleash. I'm sure when the time comes, the user of this birth control just EXPLODES!!!! On the defense of having your period monthly, at least it's a quiet or quieter storm rather than a friggin tornado destroying everything in site.

It's obvious that I am terribly annoyed and inconvenienced with having my period. But I have to say..some of the worst days of my life have been when I went to the bathroom and said to myself "SHIT, I don't have my period yet!??!"


  1. I completely agree.
    I actually tried the birth control that makes your period less frequent and I got it MORE frequently. At one point my period lasted a good 4 weeks. So that stuff sucks.
    Now I'm actually scared to have kids the natural way since you've mentioned what it's done to you...

  2. Dear Anonymous: Don't be scared of having kids the natural way..I think that I'm a freak. I never heard of it happening to anyone else. Maybe I'm an over-acheiver in the birthing department.

    P.S. My husband already thinks my period lasts two weeks. It's my "excuse". :)

  3. Great post! I think tampons and sanitary napkins should be included in health insurance plans. And you're absolutely right that if men had to go through this they would get time off from work. I wish there was more information available about how women from other cultures handle these things. It annoys me that we aren't supposed to talk about something that happens to EVERY woman and on such a frequent basis. If it grosses men out, there must be no reason to talk about it, right? So says my husband anyway. He didn't get my complaint that all the commercials for sanitary women's products showing them absorbing thin, blue liquid don't show the usefulness of the product. When is the last time you had a thin, blue period? His argument was why do they need to advertise them at all? *sigh*
    And I do get my period for 2 weeks- 1 week of PMS, 4 days of actual period and 3 days of PMS (Post Menstrual Syndrome).

    ~Dawn(I was too lazy to sign into my account)

  4. Yeah I've always wondered about the other cultures too. And what about women in the Bible? They probably had to stay home and sit on a whole or something...

  5. Stacy,
    Good job! Funny stuff! I will have to keep reading! :)

    I shouldn't complain because I can go 30, 60 or 90 days or more without my period, but that can be a problem because there's no consistency. It happens without a warning! I am still traumatized by a moment when I was caught off guard. Let's just call that the "freshman year (of high school) incident." And my gym teacher was a guy and a young one at that! Thankfully, the Lord is merciful and made sure this kind of embarassment only happned while I was in an all girls school! It could have been a lot worse. Then there is the issue of not knowing when I can or can't take medication when I am really sick. The winner of the thanks alot stupid freaking period award goes to the day I found out I was pregnant almost 6 years ago. I casually asked the pharmacist if you were pregnant could you take the medicine I had been prescribed. He got all serious and went into the back to confer with a colleague. When he came back out he was very concerned. "Uh, no, no you can't take the medicine. That would be a bad idea. Not safe. Take a test" And that's what I did. Surprise surprise!!! It's not that I minded ( I love being a mom!) but I mind not knowing that I am pregnant and possibly endangering a fetus all because my body didn't have the courtesy to give me a hint that my period was going to be a no show in a given period ( NO PUN INTENDED) of time!
    Anyhow, that's my period story!

    Rachel Vitz :)

  6. Rachel! OMG, up to 90 days! I would be in heaven! But, since I am a planner, the spontaneous hemorraging would seriously drive me bezerk.

    Congratulations on managing to keep your fetus in perfect shape!