Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I'm Done, Period!

I think at a certain age you should be able to elect to stop your period. I have now had my period for thirty years. YES, I SAID 30 YEARS! That is a looong time. Longer than any relationship I have ever had. I'm done having kids, there is absolutely no good reason why I should be ovulating. How about women who decide earlier on in life that they don't want children? Shouldn't they have the option to not have this monthly inconvenience?

I remember the day I got it. Just so happens it was my mother's birthday, that's why I remember the date. We had just returned home from our dinner out, I went to the bathroom and there it was. Ugh! Let the nightmare begin. So I tell my mom and instead of her being helpful or concerned or even sympathetic..what does she do? She slaps me across the face! What the fuck? Since when does bleeding from the vagina warrant getting slapped? It's not like I wiped it on her towels or something. Turns out it's some funky kind of tradition. Let me tell you, the tradition ended then! I will not be passing that one down to my girls. Before I knew it was a tradition, I just thought my mom was mad at me, perhaps for inconveniencing her, especially on her birthday. It's not like my mother ever had logical reasons for her outbursts before this happened. From then on when I got my period I was afraid to tell her. I didn't want to get slapped again. Thank goodness I have a sister who is ten years older than me. At least I could go down to her bathroom and steal her stash of pads. (Yes, Nancy, that's where they disappeared to).

Men don't think periods are such a big deal and wonder why we get cranky. Well, let me tell you, if men bled from their penises once a month, there would be legislation that they can get paid time off from work. It might even be considered a disability. Have you seen how they get when they have a cold or stomach ache? I bet they couldn't even handle it.

One of the benefits of electing to stop your period is not having to buy the paraphernalia. When people find out you are pregnant, they always make the same stupid joke "Better save up for diapers, you're gonna need them. Heh heh". Yeah, real funny and original-NOT. But when you first get your period, nobody says "Better save up for some sanitary napkins and tampons - you're gonna need it, Heh Heh". Meanwhile I have two kids and I only bought diapers for a total of about 3 years, and that's cumulative. I have been buying period supplies, which included Mydol and wine for 30 years! (Well, not the wine). That is just freaking nuts. Imagine how much money I have spent on it all these years. I'm sure it's more than my current salary. I'm actually glad that I was born when I was born though. Imagine the "olden days" when women had to wear that belt contraption? I would just die. I have also always wondered what do women in third world countries do? I mean, they must be able menstruate because they keep having kids..but they don't even wear clothes. Do they roll up a leaf or use the hair from a furry animal? Do they just let it drip down their leg? How come sociologists never do a documentary on this? I really want to know but I'm not getting a bazillion inoculations to go there and find out.

Another benefit of stopping your period is that you can actually plan a vacation, for whenever you want..not just try to figure out 4 months in advance if your going to have it the weekend you want to go away. I know some people are thinking, "What's the big deal if you have your period while on vacation?" Well, to me it is a big deal. I don't want to keep getting off the beach to change, I don't want to worry about drippage and I certainly don't want to be bloated. And forget hotel sex, that's NOT happening if I'm on the rag. Plus I have a unique issue. I'm pretty sure I mentioned this in one of my previous posts, but I'm too lazy to look so I'll just say it again. My daughter ruined my vagina. She came out at lightening speed. My first contraction was at 8:10 and she was born at 8:50. So fast that even the blood vessel in her eyes popped. Since then I have trouble keeping in tampons! If I sneeze, cough, laugh or even fart it falls out!! So if I'm on vacation while I have my period and I'm on the beach, I just have to make sure I don't do any of those things or else I'll be in the bathroom every ten minutes.

If I can elect to stop getting my period, I can also stop taking birth control. Let me tell you, not only is it expensive but it can kill you too! My friend Lori recently told me that she got pancreatice from taking a certain type of birth control. Damn! That seems not only painful, but pretty inconvenient for a stay at home mom. Who watches the kids while you're doubled over in pain on the floor? I copied and pasted the side effects of this particular birth control from their own website: leukorrhea, diarrhea, vomiting, vaginitis, flu syndrome, moniliasis, allergic reaction, cystitis, tooth disorder, sore throat, infection, fever, surgery, back pain, migraine, dyspepsia, rhinitis, acne, gastroenteritis, bronchitis, pharyngitis, skin disorder, intermenstrual bleeding, decreased libido, pain, increased cough, dizziness, pain in extremity, and pelvic pain.

Sounds like fun, doesn't it? All this to regulate your period and have the chance of not getting pregnant. I told Lori to quit birth control and tell her husband that she has headache instead. I would much rather go to the hospital, have surgery to stop my period and deal with the hot flashes and mood swings (which according to my husband I possess anyway). Oh, and speaking of birth control, have you ever seen the commercial for that birth control where it promotes not getting your period for several months? That totally scares me!!! I know, here I am complaining about having it, but I can't imagine altering my body where it only comes every few months. What does that say for PMS? (PRE-Menstrual Syndrome). Do you end up having all this pent up anger and emotion until 3 months later when you actually do get your period? At least each month you get to unleash. I'm sure when the time comes, the user of this birth control just EXPLODES!!!! On the defense of having your period monthly, at least it's a quiet or quieter storm rather than a friggin tornado destroying everything in site.

It's obvious that I am terribly annoyed and inconvenienced with having my period. But I have to say..some of the worst days of my life have been when I went to the bathroom and said to myself "SHIT, I don't have my period yet!??!"

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Cold Stone Ice Cream is just Stone Cold

OK, I'll admit it..I'm a coupon junkie. I don't necessarily cut coupons for stuff I don't buy anyway, but when I see an Internet deal where you get stuff just for signing into the website, I fall for it. Every time. Recently I saw an advertisement that if you go to Cold Stone Ice Cream's website and enter your information you will get a coupon for a free ice cream on your birthday. Whew Hoo! Free ice cream! Where do I sign??

For those of you who are not familiar with Cold Stone: it's not like a Dairy Queen, Carvel or Friendly's. This is not an ice cream place for the middle class. It's the upper echelon of ice cream. Though there is nothing particularly fancy about it.. I mean, they mix in your choice of ingredients such as almonds, brownies, cookie dough, candy, etc..but big deal. For a family of four such as mine, you really need to take out a mortgage to buy ice cream there. And that's for the "Like it" (small) size. I actually would only go to the place when my teenage neighbor worked there and he would accidentally forget to charge me the correct amount. Not only does he no longer work there but the local franchise closed down.

Anyway, my birthday rolls around and I get an email from Cold Stone. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY STACEY!!! CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FREE ICE CREAM!!!" I am so excited, I don't waste any time and I immediately click away. Who cares if I was at work at the time? At least I know the coupon will print here. If I wait to get home to print I'll probably find out that I'm out of ink because my five year old insists on "coloring" on the Noggin web page and printing every single friggin creation she makes. I cannot take that chance. I click on the link, ignore the disclaimer and hit "I Agree". I guess I should have read the disclaimer because apparently Cold Stone is very serious and stingy about their coupons.

First, they make me choose a location. Not just the state or county I live in but I actually have to pick which Cold Stone I want to go to for my free ice cream. At first I thought that was weird because though there is a Cold Stone within 10 miles from my house, what if I'm traveling or visiting a friend and I want to go to that Cold Stone? Then my husband explained that they probably do that because it's a franchise and individually owned. OK, it's annoying but I'll let them have that point.

I then print the coupon and stick it in my purse for safekeeping. My birthday was on a Friday this year and also being the first weekend of summer it was a very, very hectic weekend. On Monday I actually look at the coupon and I'm sooo disappointed. It expires on Friday! They only gave me a week to get my ice cream! What a douche move! It's kind of like wining a free vacation and then finding out you can only go on February 29th and only the first night is free, not the entire vacation. You were sucked in and then denied!! I know you know this feeling. It's happened to the best of us. Now granted, I could go to Cold Stone that night. But I have two little ones. I get home from work at 6, and if I go get ice cream after dinner, they will be bouncing off the wall and will NEVER get to bed! By the way, the 3 year old goes to bed at 7:30..not much time to squeeze in to begin with.

At the last moment on Friday I decide to take the kids and go to Cold Stone for my free birthday ice cream. It's Friday, they can stay up a little later and I justify everything because, really, I want my God Damn free ice cream. I figure since I'm cheap, I'll get the large size and the three of us will share. I read the coupon on the way there (don't worry, my husband was driving), and I notice that the coupon is for the "Like It" size only! Douche move #2. COME ON! It's my birthday! They can't splurge and give me the "Love It" or "Gotta Have It" size? That's just so cheesy. So now this free ice cream is going to cost me money because I have to buy my kids their own ice cream instead of sharing.

So I was joking with my husband and I say "OH, they will probably ask for I.D. too". Well, guess what? On the bottom of the coupon it states that I should be prepared to show identification. I SWEAR ON MY LIFE! Don't believe me? Get a coupon. See for yourself. So ridiculous! Do they really care that much if Stacey doesn't use her free ice cream and gives her coupon to Stephanie to use instead? Is it really that big of a deal?? It's ice cream, not a bank withdrawal. In case you are curious, they didn't make me show id, but they DID make me complete a form and sign it. Cold Stone should really stop taking this birthday coupon so seriously. If they have such strong concerns with the size, time limit and the actual birthday person, then they should probably just not offer the coupon to begin with.

For your reference, I also received two other birthday promotions from franchised restaurants. Wendy's was the nicest about it. I got a dollar off of my purchase. I believe there was an expiration date (didn't use the coupon but the thought was nice). No other strings attached. YEAH FOR WENDY'S! Subway gave me a buy one get one free. That really friggin pissed me off. Why? First of all, it reminded me that absolutely NOBODY invited me out for lunch on my birthday. So, that made me feel like a big loser. Not only am I a feeling sad and lonely because nobody invited me out for lunch on my birthday, but I couldn't even use the coupon because I had to buy one to get one free! Seriously, I'm not going to buy two sandwiches and two drinks just so I can use the coupon? Geez!

So folks, learn from my mistakes. Nothing is free..and if it is free you're gonna pay for it some way or another. Perhaps the REAL lesson is to stop signing up for free food. My heart is saying YES but my ass is saying NO!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Gender Equality can go SUCK IT!

All I have to say is: I would give up a limb to hear my husband say "NO WIFE OF MINE IS GOING TO WORK!!!" Aahh, I can only dream.

I'm sure the bra burning women in the 60's and 70's thought they were doing the right thing. I'm sure they had no clue on how much this would backfire. It's kind of like pulling over on the road to help a stranded motorist and he turns around and robs you instead. The good intentions were there. It just didn't work out as planned.

Right now, this very second, I could be home, cooking dinner, maybe cleaning. But instead, I'm at work, (By the way, my job is not blogging or related in any way to creative writing) - which tells you how devoted I am to my job. Now, because women felt the strong desire to be equal to life sucks...BIG TIME.

If women didn't fight so hard for equal rights:

1. I would not have the right to vote. Who gives a fuck? Anyone who has ever run for a political office has been a liar, has cheated on his spouse and generally cares more about notoriety rather than the state of the economy or public safety. The rule is get re-elected, not cure the problems. Kind of like prosecutors: they only care to get the "win" not that the defendant has actually committed the crime. Having the right to vote makes my life even harder. I now have to keep up with current events. If I go out for dinner with another couple, I have to be intelligent enough to keep up with the conversation if it turns to politics. That means that after working, cooking dinner, giving baths, etc, I now have to read the newspaper or stay up to watch the 11:00 news when I would much rather go to sleep. It would have been so much easier if when the topic turned to politics, I could turn to the wife and talk about recipes instead. But no, we have to be equal.

2. In the 1950's women were expected to have either looks or brains. Now we are expected to have both. That's putting a lot of pressure on us. We are expected to juggle work and have social lives. If it weren't for gender equality, I could either work AND not have a family and society would say, "well, she's not a looker so she has to put her effort into a job. No man is going to support that ugly mug". OR if I didn't have a job, it would be acceptable because I would have the husband and family. I would have the time to stay home, rest and put myself together before my husband came home from work. But Nooo, we have to have equality. So now after working all day, I am expected to still look refreshed and put together. Please.

**This reminds me of a funny story which is absolutely 100% true. I know I'm digressing but I must tell it**

I was in the hospital after just giving birth to my first child. As the labor came unexpectantly and quickly, my husband was home that first morning getting stuff ready. I'm in bed and the baby is in the plastic cradle next to me. Anyway, visiting hour was approaching and I assumed relatives would be coming. A nurse walks in and tells me that I should take a shower. I tell her that since the baby is in the room, and visiting hour is probably would not be a good idea to leave the baby unattended while I take a shower. I mean, first day with the baby and I'm already neglicting her? Is this a test? I explain that my husband will be here later and that is when I will shower. She came in one more time and made her suggestion about showering. Then, about 20 minutes later she comes in and says to me, "You know, you should really make it a point to look nice for your husband. You shouldn't stay in your pajamas all day." IS SHE INSANE??? I HAVE A FUCKING VILLAGE IN MY UNDERWEAR AND SHE IS TELLING ME TO LOOK NICE FOR MY HUSBAND??? I'm sure if a baby just squirted out of his penis hole, he would not be so quick to freshen up for me. OK, end of story.

3. Many feminist would argue that because of gender equality we now have more rights when it comes to maternity leave. Our position is saved for us, we get paid a portion of our salary and even extended time off. Ummm, duhhh! You wouldn't have to fight for this stuff if we didn't have to go back to work in the first place. 'Nuff said.

4. Instead of equality we have INequality! Seriously. Great, so we get equal pay for equal jobs. But what about when we get home? Is division of labor split any different? In most cases I would say no. Not saying that every wife does more in the household than her husband..but women are still expected by society to still have the same roles. Child rearing, maintenance, grocery shopping, event planning, etc. I have to cram my "chores" into the hours of 6 pm (when I get home) and 10 pm (my target bed time). If I was home all day I could pace myself. But no, we have to be equal.

5. If it weren't for gender equality, I would have a seat on the subway! Not that I travel the tubes often but I do not recall any time where a man got up from his seat and offered it to me or any other standing female. I can just see the wheels turning in the heads of men. "OH, you want equal rights, huh? Well, equally stand up the entire train ride, bitch." This particularly hurts me because I am not the most coordinated person. Also, I am short. This means I cannot utilize the bar over the seat and I must fight for a spot at the vertical pole. The train moves and I fly all over the place. I'm constantly rethinking my footing strategy so I don't fall on my face. I could have had a seat..but NO, we have to be equal.

The intent of Women's liberation was to eliminate forms of oppression based on gender and to gain for women equal economic and social status and rights to derermine their own lives as are enjoyed by men. I say, oppress me, keep me home, keep me pretty, don't make me think to hard, let me work at a leisurely pace and give me my fucking seat back!!