Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Suit yourself


Bathing suit shopping HAS to be the most unpleasant and frustrating chore for me.

It used to be fun.  Of course that was before I bore kids when I was a size two and didn't mind flaunting myself in a two piece.  Those damn kids!  Well, I guess I have a little culpability too.  I mean, before kids I also went to the gym regularly and didn't finish other people's breakfast and dinner plates because I didn't want to waste the food.  I want to go back in time when I tried on a bathing suit in the dressing room and didn't break down in tears.   Speaking of dressing rooms..they should totally be sound proof.   I'm sure the other women were curious as to what kind of weirdo was muttering and cursing to herself  in the dressing room next door.   I'm surprised they didn't call security. 

There is also a relatively new trend (I'm talking maybe the past 15 years or so) that is just sooo annoying.  This is the  marketing approach of selling the top separately from the bottom.  WHY????  Ok, I totally get that it increases profit.  Instead of selling one 2 piece bathing suit for $30.00, they can sell the top for $20.00 and the bottom for $15.00, increasing their profit by $5.00.    That's a no brainer.   You know what, save me the fucking aggravation of walking around the store trying to find the god damn matching bottom and I'll pay the extra five dollars.   I swear to God, I spent a good 1/2 hour looking for a bottom to go with the top I picked out.  I know it does not have to matchy-match but I would like something at least similar!  I got so frustrated that I gave up and went to the one pieces.  I found a couple that I liked and grabbed my size.  I then notice the brand label and it reads "long torso!".  Fuck...I am the exact opposite of a long torso.  There were only three one pieces and not one of them was a normal, not long torso suit.  Back to the drawing board.

Here is the most frustrating issue I had to endure.  Albeit, this is not limited to bathing suits but has a much more severe impact when cramming your body into Lycra.  I would get to the dressing rooms with my size 6's.  I would try them on and it would be sooo freaking tight, I couldn't even pull it down past my belly.  How discouraging!!  How can my clothes be one size and bathing suits another?   I go back to the floor and pull out more sizes.   I go back to the dressing room, head down, shoulders slumped, like a walk of shame.  This time, however, I notice that the size posted on the plastic thingy on the hanger is NOT the same size as the label on the suit.  GeeeZus Christ!  No wonder why the suits are not fitting..I probably (and hopefully) got the wrong size.   But it just pisses me off because why can't the person who is in charge of hanging up the suits just match up the size with the hanger.   It should be daughter who is in pre-school can match!  

I walked out of that dressing room so aggravated and hopeless.   Will I ever find a suit that fits?  Will I ever even find a bottom that belongs to a top?  I was seriously hoping to run into a store manager because I really needed to vent.   He or she was going to get such an earful that I'm sure they would go home and tell their spouse how they had a heated discussion with a crazy lady. 

I'm starting to think these nudist colonies have the right idea.   Everyone looks horrible, they don't have to worry about hiding it, and nobody wants to look anyway.  Or I'm hoping that wetsuits will be the next fashion sensation.  

Friday, June 1, 2012

Soda Jerk

In order to attempt to curb obesity, the mayor of New York wants to make it illegal to sell "sugary drinks" that are larger than 16 ounces. 

Is he high?

I am so outraged!  (Of course I am, or this post wouldn't exist.)  Not because I need my Big Gulp or Slurpee.  I am out of my mind wondering when the insanity is going to end.  Leave fat people alone already!  Dictator Bloomberg does not need to ban the sale of large sodas to get people in shape.  This doesn't actually apply to just soda.  It's sugary drinks which could include juice and lemonade too.  You're walking in the city with your family on  a hot day.   Would like a tasty drink that will also cool you off.   You also don't want to get stuck holding every one's cup (come on know you're the one who gets stuck holding every one's shit until you find a garbage can.)  Then you realize, oh no, you can't just buy one big lemonade for everyone to share.  You now have to buy four lemonades so everyone can get their sip.

I watch people on the news and the idiots are like "Oh, it's a great idea.   Soda is so unhealthy. Everything in moderation!"   Yeah, great....we all know that soda isn't a healthy choice but don't these dopes realize that their right to drink it is slowly being violated?  They are not seeing the big picture here.   It starts with large sodas.   What next?  Will cotton candy be banned from carnivals?  Will Tostidos be forbidden at barbecues?  Go ahead, laugh.   But these enjoyable, edible delights have no nutritional value either.  Who is to say government won't eliminate these items as legal purchases?   Let me tell you, I will probably go apeshit if Doritos are made illegal!  I love them!

Imagine walking into a pizza shop and ordering a pie with extra cheese for your family.   At first the guy behind the counter says, "Sorry, if we sell you a pizza with extra cheese we will be fined and could lose our license."  You get upset because  you just came from the gym, had a salad for lunch and don't feel like cooking dinner for your family.  You agree to order the pie with no extra cheese but then you are told that you cannot order a whole pie anymore because the mayor decided everyone is too fat and he is afraid that someone might actually eat the whole pie by themselves.  So now you  have to pay $12.00  for 6 individual slices when you could have just bought a pie for a total of $2.00 less, had more slices and maybe even left overs for the next day. 

Or, imagine going into a grocery store and the entire snack aisle is gone.  You're P.M.S'ing and you just need something salty so that you don't punch a wall.  Sorry, it's now illegal.   You promised your kid an ice cream party for his birthday.   Sorry, son.  We'll have to have a broccoli party instead but to make it fun maybe we can dip the broccoli in ranch dressing.    But they only sell the ranch dressing in 4 ounce bottles because anything larger would make people fat. 

In all honesty, I'm not a huge soda drinker.  I don't even think I ever bought a large gulp or a size larger than 16 ounce.  If it is made illegal, it would not really effect my life.  But if I do want to buy one, perhaps share it with my spouse or just have a nice large cup to put change in afterwards, I should be allowed to buy it.   I don't need government telling me what I can and cannot swallow.  I get mad when my husband does it, even madder when the government does. 

By the way, this mayor also made it illegal to donate food to homeless shelters. Why?  Because they could not assess the amount of salt, fat and fiber in these foods.   Uh, sorry, but if I'm homeless and can't afford to buy food..I really don't give a shit if it has high salt and fat.   I'm eating!!!!  

Enough of the food police!   Gluttony may be a sin..but it's not a federal offense.