...a modern day version of the immaculate conception.
If you are easily offended by religious satire, please skip this post. In fact, you might want to skip most of my posts.
Mary: (sob) Mom, (sob)... I think I may be pregnant.
Mom: (Imagine the panicky voice from "A Christmas Story" when the mom found out her son said a bad word.) Whaaaat? Whaaat?
Mary: I didn't get my period!
Mom: Dammit Mary! Don't they teach you sex-ed in school? How did this happen? How am I going to tell your father?
Mary: Yes, they teach us sex-ed. But I swear, I didn't have sex!
Mom: Mary, so now you are not only a slut, but you're a liar too? Please, do you think I'm a idiot or something?
Mary: No mom, you're not an idiot. An angel came to me and told me that God would make me pregnant.
Mom: That's it! I'm suing your school district.
Mary: What, why?
Mom: Why? Because isn't the school district always at fault and responsible when a minor does not behave properly or breaks a law outside of school. Isn't their responsibility to raise you with morals and respect. It certainly isn't MY fault you're knocked up.
Mary: Mommmmm! Ugh, you always have to embarrass me! Can't you leave me alone??
Mom: (Slapping her forehead) Oy Vey! C'mon, let's go take care of this.
Mary: NOOOOOO! Joseph said he was going to marry me anyway.
Mom: Joseph, the carpenter? That schmuck is the father?
Mary: No, I told you the Holy Spirit, God, is the father. I have been seeing Joseph and he wants to marry me.
Mom: And Joseph believes this cockamamie story?
Mary: Yes, we both had a visit from Angels. Except my angel told me to name the baby Immanuel and his angel told him to name the baby Jesus. It's gonna be a boy!!!!
Mom: Well, if you're going to have this baby, I want you to name him after my father, Saul.
Mary: We'll see about that. Are you going to throw me a shower?
Mom: No, Jews don't have showers, it's bad luck. I'll buy you something after the baby is born.
Mary: But how am I going to have the stuff I need for the baby?
Mom: Why don't you dump Joseph the carpenter and tell Ira the accountant or Joshua the lawyer that they are the dad? Who ever heard of a blue collar Jew anyway? Can you imagine having Shabbot dinner with Joseph's parents? The mother is such a meeskite.
(Translation -Meeskite = yiddish for ugly woman).
Mary: Well, I already called MTV and they are coming tomorrow to start documenting my pregnancy. They'll put cameras up in the house, follow me around and I'll even get to give birth on tv!
Mom: Great, so now not only will I be a grandmother at 45 years old, all the yenta's at the salon are going watch my life unfurl on tv. You're not going to say on tv that you are virgin are you? Everyone will think I'm the mom of a crazy girl. I swear, if I get kicked out the country club for this, I am disowning you.
Mary: No mom, you'll be the star of the country club. Because, guess what? MTV is also going to feature our family and baby Jesus' first year on Teen Mom too! Awesome!
Mom: MOISHE, HUNNY, Get me some Xanax, NOW!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Stay Tuned (please)
I know, I haven't posted in quite a while. But I have a valid excuse. You have all heard of the saying "making a long story short". Well I'm about to make a short story long.
My husband is allergic to chicken. I kind of get sick of eating beef sometimes, plus it's not so good for chloesteral to keep eating meat. Anyway, I was looking for a recipe for ground pork, and being raised Jewish, it's not like I had too many learned pork meals.
I went on google and did a search for ground pork sandwiches. I got a list of good choices and picked one that sounded interesting. Bad move. When I clicked on the link, I got a website called You Porn. Like You Tube. Same design and everything. After my eyes registered what I was seeing..my computer went bezerk. I was screaming at my computer, "I SAID PORK! NOT PORN!!" I now can no longer get internet access, and quite frankly I'm a little scared of it too. I need to find someone who can fix my computer. He not only has to fix my computer but also not rip me off at the same time. In addition, he can't be skeptical of my story. I don't need him thinking I'm a pervert and then want me to pay in porn trade or something.
I am using my husband's work lap top to write this apology / explanation. Please don't give up on me. Keep checking StaceySaidIt. I will have something new soon. Thank you.
My husband is allergic to chicken. I kind of get sick of eating beef sometimes, plus it's not so good for chloesteral to keep eating meat. Anyway, I was looking for a recipe for ground pork, and being raised Jewish, it's not like I had too many learned pork meals.
I went on google and did a search for ground pork sandwiches. I got a list of good choices and picked one that sounded interesting. Bad move. When I clicked on the link, I got a website called You Porn. Like You Tube. Same design and everything. After my eyes registered what I was seeing..my computer went bezerk. I was screaming at my computer, "I SAID PORK! NOT PORN!!" I now can no longer get internet access, and quite frankly I'm a little scared of it too. I need to find someone who can fix my computer. He not only has to fix my computer but also not rip me off at the same time. In addition, he can't be skeptical of my story. I don't need him thinking I'm a pervert and then want me to pay in porn trade or something.
I am using my husband's work lap top to write this apology / explanation. Please don't give up on me. Keep checking StaceySaidIt. I will have something new soon. Thank you.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Sex, Lies and Videotapes
My daughter just entered the 1st grade and is a beginner reader. I'm so happy that she has learned how to sound out letters to form words and I am excited for the doors that will open for her. I am an avid reader and I can't wait to share my favorites from my childhood with her.
However...yes,there is always a however, sometimes life would just be easier if her intelligence / development was limited.
I know it's an awful thing to say, especially out loud. But as a parent, at times normal development can cause more problems. For instance, many parents think it's a pain in the ass when a baby is in diapers. Schlepping all that crap with you. Diapers, wipes, rash cream, extra clothes, etc. But wait, just wait until they are just starting out in underwear. You think, "hooray! No more diapers!" Not so quick. At least when they are in diapers, they poop or pee in their pants and when you find the bathroom (I'm talking social setting here, not your house), you change them. When they are in the early stages of underwear, and they say "I gotta go", all the sudden it's PANIC TIME! Have you ever tried to find the bathroom in a mall? It's never where you would think like by the food court or in children stores. It's always in some remote corner of a department store or the actual mall. The goal is to find the bathroom and actually get to it before it's too late. Which is easier? Cleaning up a dirty diaper, or cleaning up pee or poop on the floor and getting wet pants, underwear, socks and shoes off of a child in public? This is what I mean about sometimes it's easier when children are limited to their development.
Recently, I had a dilemma because now my daughter can read, kind of. We were in the video store looking for something for me. As I am browsing we had the wonderful luck of passing "Sex in the City". My daughter turns to me and asks "What's s-e-x in the city?" I quickly remembered that over the summer she came home from camp singing the Katie Perry song "California Girls" and she was singing the words "SAX, ON THE BEACH (BLAH BLAH BLAH)". I was very unhappy that she knew that song, but pleased that she was singing "sax" and not "sex". After pulling that from my memory bank, I replied "Sax in the City". She accepted my answer and topic was forgotten. Whew, challenge completed.
Until, we get in the car. Let the games begin!
Daughter: Mom? What are sax?
Me: Ummm, sacks, like potato sacks.
Daughter: What are potato sacks?
Me: like bags, that hold potatoes.
Daughter: Why would they have potato sacks in the city?
Me: I don't know! Stop asking questions!
This is exhausting. But then I hear my daughter sounding out her vowels, just like she was taught and just like we practice every night Monday through Friday.
"ah, ah, ah". "eh, eh, eh". "Hey mom! An 'E' does not make the 'ah' sound".
I am really so friggin glad she's learning how to read.
However...yes,there is always a however, sometimes life would just be easier if her intelligence / development was limited.
I know it's an awful thing to say, especially out loud. But as a parent, at times normal development can cause more problems. For instance, many parents think it's a pain in the ass when a baby is in diapers. Schlepping all that crap with you. Diapers, wipes, rash cream, extra clothes, etc. But wait, just wait until they are just starting out in underwear. You think, "hooray! No more diapers!" Not so quick. At least when they are in diapers, they poop or pee in their pants and when you find the bathroom (I'm talking social setting here, not your house), you change them. When they are in the early stages of underwear, and they say "I gotta go", all the sudden it's PANIC TIME! Have you ever tried to find the bathroom in a mall? It's never where you would think like by the food court or in children stores. It's always in some remote corner of a department store or the actual mall. The goal is to find the bathroom and actually get to it before it's too late. Which is easier? Cleaning up a dirty diaper, or cleaning up pee or poop on the floor and getting wet pants, underwear, socks and shoes off of a child in public? This is what I mean about sometimes it's easier when children are limited to their development.
Recently, I had a dilemma because now my daughter can read, kind of. We were in the video store looking for something for me. As I am browsing we had the wonderful luck of passing "Sex in the City". My daughter turns to me and asks "What's s-e-x in the city?" I quickly remembered that over the summer she came home from camp singing the Katie Perry song "California Girls" and she was singing the words "SAX, ON THE BEACH (BLAH BLAH BLAH)". I was very unhappy that she knew that song, but pleased that she was singing "sax" and not "sex". After pulling that from my memory bank, I replied "Sax in the City". She accepted my answer and topic was forgotten. Whew, challenge completed.
Until, we get in the car. Let the games begin!
Daughter: Mom? What are sax?
Me: Ummm, sacks, like potato sacks.
Daughter: What are potato sacks?
Me: like bags, that hold potatoes.
Daughter: Why would they have potato sacks in the city?
Me: I don't know! Stop asking questions!
This is exhausting. But then I hear my daughter sounding out her vowels, just like she was taught and just like we practice every night Monday through Friday.
"ah, ah, ah". "eh, eh, eh". "Hey mom! An 'E' does not make the 'ah' sound".
I am really so friggin glad she's learning how to read.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Getta Room!
I want my own room.
I want my own room!
I.....WANT....MY...OWN....ROOM!!!!
I have never, ever (well maybe a brief span of time in my 20's) had my own space
Even when I was conceived I had to share the womb with my sister! I'm sure she kicked me and pulled my hair, if I had any, when we were in there too. I know for certain that she bullied me out. How? I came out first, that's how. She probably gave me a big push or kick and forced me out of my mom's birth canal. Then, while I was getting all cleaned up and checked out, she pretty much had seven minutes of alone time with our mother. Totally not fair.
When we got home, we shared a crib for a while. You see, back then in the olden days, doctors didn't participate in full disclosure. My mother was in the dark about having twins until dooms day. Therefore, I had to share MY crib with my sister. How do I know it was my crib and not hers? Well, I was born first, of course. That means I was the "intended" one and she just kind of tagged along like a 3rd wheel.
Once she got her own crib, it was in my room. We shared a room forever! It was awful! Getting yelled at to get out of my own room because she was on the phone. Fighting over whether we slept listening to the radio, tv or nothing. Complaints about breathing too loud. Basically having nowhere to escape. I got my own space at the ripe age of 17. Just in time to go to college and what? Share a dorm room!
I had to share a room with 2 other girls. It was like a jail cell except you were allowed to leave and you had to provide your own meals. Three girls, one closet, one phone (remember, no cell phones back then) and seperate cycles if you know what I mean. Sharing a dorm room wasn't all that terrible..until of course you find out that over break your roommate stole all your Au Coton clothes and didn't pay the phone bill even though you gave her money. And that was the roommate that you got along with.
So then, after college, I spend a few more years alone in my walk in closet, er, bedroom that I did not have to share. Then I go from daddy's house to husband's house. Well, to be fair, husband #1 never came home at night because he was probably out screwing some skank. Sooo, it was kind of like I had my room, but by default. I still shared it..it was ours, per se, his shit was in it. It's not like I could totally call it mine.
Now I share a room with husband #2 (and hopefully he's the final). Love him to death, but want my own room. Top reasons:
1. He farts in bed. I feel like the marital bed is sacred and farts contaminate it. Even after it diffuses. The noise along with the odor is offensive. It should not happen in my room.
2. He makes fun of the shows I watch. Hey, If I wanted commentary I would have watched it in the "common areas" of our house like the living room. If I had my own bedroom, what I watched would be my prerogative and I would not have to defend my poor decisions.
3. Another tv issue..if I'm lying in bed "watching tv", (sometimes I watch tv with my eyes closed and not even facing the television), he feels he has carte blanche to change the channel. Bullshit. Whether I am watching it by staring at it or just listening, if I was in there first, it's my call.
4. His mess is my mess. Clothes on the floor, disorganized stuff on the dresser. I was never such a slob until I got married and shared a room.
Somehow my bedroom has also become a dumping ground for my kids' stuff. Before I go into bed, I have to pull up the covers and examine for Barbie dolls, stuffed animals, head bands and miscellaneous toys. Or else I end up crawling into bed and then discovering these items under my back or at my feet.
My kids have a room in the house designated solely for their play. Toys, tv, no furniture other than a little princess table. They also have their bedrooms. We have a living room that we all share. We have an office that basically my husband uses. Where do I go when I need to hide? Where is my play room? Why can't I have a place that I don't have to share??? Waaahhhh!!!! I want my own room!!!
I want my own room!
I.....WANT....MY...OWN....ROOM!!!!
I have never, ever (well maybe a brief span of time in my 20's) had my own space
Even when I was conceived I had to share the womb with my sister! I'm sure she kicked me and pulled my hair, if I had any, when we were in there too. I know for certain that she bullied me out. How? I came out first, that's how. She probably gave me a big push or kick and forced me out of my mom's birth canal. Then, while I was getting all cleaned up and checked out, she pretty much had seven minutes of alone time with our mother. Totally not fair.
When we got home, we shared a crib for a while. You see, back then in the olden days, doctors didn't participate in full disclosure. My mother was in the dark about having twins until dooms day. Therefore, I had to share MY crib with my sister. How do I know it was my crib and not hers? Well, I was born first, of course. That means I was the "intended" one and she just kind of tagged along like a 3rd wheel.
Once she got her own crib, it was in my room. We shared a room forever! It was awful! Getting yelled at to get out of my own room because she was on the phone. Fighting over whether we slept listening to the radio, tv or nothing. Complaints about breathing too loud. Basically having nowhere to escape. I got my own space at the ripe age of 17. Just in time to go to college and what? Share a dorm room!
I had to share a room with 2 other girls. It was like a jail cell except you were allowed to leave and you had to provide your own meals. Three girls, one closet, one phone (remember, no cell phones back then) and seperate cycles if you know what I mean. Sharing a dorm room wasn't all that terrible..until of course you find out that over break your roommate stole all your Au Coton clothes and didn't pay the phone bill even though you gave her money. And that was the roommate that you got along with.
So then, after college, I spend a few more years alone in my walk in closet, er, bedroom that I did not have to share. Then I go from daddy's house to husband's house. Well, to be fair, husband #1 never came home at night because he was probably out screwing some skank. Sooo, it was kind of like I had my room, but by default. I still shared it..it was ours, per se, his shit was in it. It's not like I could totally call it mine.
Now I share a room with husband #2 (and hopefully he's the final). Love him to death, but want my own room. Top reasons:
1. He farts in bed. I feel like the marital bed is sacred and farts contaminate it. Even after it diffuses. The noise along with the odor is offensive. It should not happen in my room.
2. He makes fun of the shows I watch. Hey, If I wanted commentary I would have watched it in the "common areas" of our house like the living room. If I had my own bedroom, what I watched would be my prerogative and I would not have to defend my poor decisions.
3. Another tv issue..if I'm lying in bed "watching tv", (sometimes I watch tv with my eyes closed and not even facing the television), he feels he has carte blanche to change the channel. Bullshit. Whether I am watching it by staring at it or just listening, if I was in there first, it's my call.
4. His mess is my mess. Clothes on the floor, disorganized stuff on the dresser. I was never such a slob until I got married and shared a room.
Somehow my bedroom has also become a dumping ground for my kids' stuff. Before I go into bed, I have to pull up the covers and examine for Barbie dolls, stuffed animals, head bands and miscellaneous toys. Or else I end up crawling into bed and then discovering these items under my back or at my feet.
My kids have a room in the house designated solely for their play. Toys, tv, no furniture other than a little princess table. They also have their bedrooms. We have a living room that we all share. We have an office that basically my husband uses. Where do I go when I need to hide? Where is my play room? Why can't I have a place that I don't have to share??? Waaahhhh!!!! I want my own room!!!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Bully.
There has been a lot of attention in the media these days about kids bullying kids in school. Some of the victims of bullying are going to extreme measures to avoid being bullied by killing themselves. This is disgusting and heart breaking. Schools and other organizations are brainstorming to find ways to send a message that kids should be more compassionate and to be more excepting of peoples' differences.
Hate to say this but: IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. What's that old saying? A tiger doesn't change his stripes? Adults are always trying to change the behavior of kids when the adults themselves do not display the same behavior. For example, let's say that you invited Johnny Jr's. friend, over for a playdate. Johnny Jr's. friend is playing with Johnny's favorite toy. Johnny is not too pleased about that and rips it out of his hands. You try to diffuse the situation and make nice by saying, "Now Johnny, you must share your toys. It's rude not to let him play with it". Now, let's say the friend's mother returns to bring her kid home and she sees your cherry red 1963 Corvette (I know, they didn't have Cherry Red back then, but this is about principle and not details). She mentions that she would like to "play" with your Corvette and can she take it for a ride? Will you follow your own advice that it's rude to not share? Probably not. I know this isn't on the same level as bullying but I'm making the point of expecting children to behave differently from what they are actually taught by example.
I witness adult bullying all the time: Parents bullying coaches. The person tailgating you while you are driving the in the slow lane. Idiots shopping at the mall around Christmas time.
The only way to cure bullying is to teach your children to be prepared for it. Let's just say, IT WORKED FOR ME! Picture this: growing up I had huge boobies, zits on my face, unruly hair. Ok, that's just the physical. Inside I was shy, introverted and very emotional. I know, I sound like a prize, right? I was picked on constantly! Who do you think the predators were? Good looking classmates? Peers who were more confident and social? Nooooo. It was my own siblings! They tormented me! If my parents had established anti bullying and no tolerance laws I would be an only child by now! When I was a child, I cried All..The..Time. Then, my siblings would make fun of me for crying and I would cry even more!!!!! Bullying at home does not sound like the most kind and rewarding thing to do. However, when I was older I didn't get offended by mean comments made by others. I didn't freak out when the boys called me Dolly Parton. My skin had already been made thick. Compare bullying to driving. You can't control the stupid drivers, but you can learn to avoid accidents by learning how to drive defensively.
Moral of the story: You can't stop people from being assholes. Kids don't have the cognitive ability to realize cause and effect and they don't realize what it might do to the victim over time. Let's stop the nonsense of kids killing themselves because peers bully them! Bully your kids or siblings at home and get them prepared for the real world!
Hate to say this but: IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. What's that old saying? A tiger doesn't change his stripes? Adults are always trying to change the behavior of kids when the adults themselves do not display the same behavior. For example, let's say that you invited Johnny Jr's. friend, over for a playdate. Johnny Jr's. friend is playing with Johnny's favorite toy. Johnny is not too pleased about that and rips it out of his hands. You try to diffuse the situation and make nice by saying, "Now Johnny, you must share your toys. It's rude not to let him play with it". Now, let's say the friend's mother returns to bring her kid home and she sees your cherry red 1963 Corvette (I know, they didn't have Cherry Red back then, but this is about principle and not details). She mentions that she would like to "play" with your Corvette and can she take it for a ride? Will you follow your own advice that it's rude to not share? Probably not. I know this isn't on the same level as bullying but I'm making the point of expecting children to behave differently from what they are actually taught by example.
I witness adult bullying all the time: Parents bullying coaches. The person tailgating you while you are driving the in the slow lane. Idiots shopping at the mall around Christmas time.
The only way to cure bullying is to teach your children to be prepared for it. Let's just say, IT WORKED FOR ME! Picture this: growing up I had huge boobies, zits on my face, unruly hair. Ok, that's just the physical. Inside I was shy, introverted and very emotional. I know, I sound like a prize, right? I was picked on constantly! Who do you think the predators were? Good looking classmates? Peers who were more confident and social? Nooooo. It was my own siblings! They tormented me! If my parents had established anti bullying and no tolerance laws I would be an only child by now! When I was a child, I cried All..The..Time. Then, my siblings would make fun of me for crying and I would cry even more!!!!! Bullying at home does not sound like the most kind and rewarding thing to do. However, when I was older I didn't get offended by mean comments made by others. I didn't freak out when the boys called me Dolly Parton. My skin had already been made thick. Compare bullying to driving. You can't control the stupid drivers, but you can learn to avoid accidents by learning how to drive defensively.
Moral of the story: You can't stop people from being assholes. Kids don't have the cognitive ability to realize cause and effect and they don't realize what it might do to the victim over time. Let's stop the nonsense of kids killing themselves because peers bully them! Bully your kids or siblings at home and get them prepared for the real world!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Smokin
The only time people are genuinely happy to see a smoker is when they need a match. Have you ever gone to a birthday party and there's no match to light the candles? That's when the host walks around with a big smile on her face and asks, "Do you smoke?" Normally the host would be annoyed at a smoker but this time she has a sparkle in her eye, a glimmer of hope that someone's gross habit can benefit her.
Truly, this is NOT a lecture on smoking. I could not care less if someone is a smoker. In my opinion, it's your body, you do what you wish with it. Even if the decision is a stupid one, it's your decision, your body and only you pay the consequences. Wanna smoke crack? Inhale glue? Add piercings or ink to your skin? Hit yourself in the head with a frying pan? Go on ahead!!! Do it to yourself. What do I care? To be honest, if cigarettes tasted like chocolate cake or an apple martini, I would be all over it. (Any marketers out there...you might want to pick up on this tip).
The one thing I absolutely hate about people who smoke is that they are litter bugs!!! Ok, like smoking isn't gross enough but do you have to drop your ashes and the butt of the cigarette wherever you happen to be? I was at the beach, alone for once and I relished in the tranquility. I was sitting in my beach chair, eyes closed, fingers grazing the sand. Aaaaaahhhh. But then, ICK! Fucking ICK! While combing my fingers through the sand I grabbed someone's finished cigarette. I wanted to vomit!!! It totally ruined my zen mood. It's just disgusting. Do I know where this person's mouth has been? What kind of germs am I going to get by touching this person's saliva? Even more so, why can't this smoker get off of his or her ASS and throw the butt in the garbage? Then I even made myself more nauseous by convincing myself that I was not only combing my fingers through the sand but through cigarette ashes too.
Let's just say I have a habit too. Not not a terribly harmful one, but I'm addicted nonetheless. For the sake of this argument, let's say my habit is picking my nose (wink, wink). Is it disgusting? Yes. Will it harm me? I'm sure eventually it will. Here are the effects of nose picking:
You can open the door to bacteria and infections. Avid nose-pickers may see more pimples in and around the nose due to increased oil deposits from the fingers. For a very small minority of the nostril-inclined, the consequences of their behavior have been nothing to sneeze at. You can brake a blood vessel that require cauterization (a burning process that deadens tissue) to halt the bleeding that resulted.
Now, nose picking is not as controversial as smoking but imagine if I'm a flicker. When I'm done with my booger, what if I decide to just leave it anywhere, like a smoker would do with his ashes or butt. What if leave it on a stair railing and you touch it? That's like vomit level of gross, right? What if I flick it and it accidentally lands on you? Ewww, I'm shivering with the thought. And even worse, but kind of serious, what if I pick, draw blood or not draw blood and then open a public door without washing or sanitizing my hand? ..And you're the person who touches that door handle right after me!!!! Now do you see my point?
How about a less serious issue. My habit now is chewing gum. I open the wrapper, and if I take the route of a smoker, I will throw the wrapper on the ground. Why? Because I'm done with it, that's why. That's what smokers do. They throw their trash on the ground. Then I chew. Now I'm done with the gum. Should I go out of my way to find a safe way to dispose it? No, I'm following the footsteps of a smoker. I throw it down, that's most convenient for me. Do I care if someone steps in it and tracks it with them? Not really. It's not my gum anymore so I don't really care what happens next.
Same goes for smokers. What do they think happens with their ashes and butts when they are done? Just because THEY are finished,doesn't mean it just goes away. People walk through their smoke (because they HAVE to stand in front of the doorway) and take home the smell with them. People walk through their ashes and bring it via soles into their car and homes.
I'm sure I'll hear shit from smokers...and I say go ahead! Leave a comment! I would love to hear your point a view (click on the comment button below if you dare). All I ask is that if you are going to destroy your lives, go ahead, just BUTT out of mine. And give hoot, don't pollute.
Truly, this is NOT a lecture on smoking. I could not care less if someone is a smoker. In my opinion, it's your body, you do what you wish with it. Even if the decision is a stupid one, it's your decision, your body and only you pay the consequences. Wanna smoke crack? Inhale glue? Add piercings or ink to your skin? Hit yourself in the head with a frying pan? Go on ahead!!! Do it to yourself. What do I care? To be honest, if cigarettes tasted like chocolate cake or an apple martini, I would be all over it. (Any marketers out there...you might want to pick up on this tip).
The one thing I absolutely hate about people who smoke is that they are litter bugs!!! Ok, like smoking isn't gross enough but do you have to drop your ashes and the butt of the cigarette wherever you happen to be? I was at the beach, alone for once and I relished in the tranquility. I was sitting in my beach chair, eyes closed, fingers grazing the sand. Aaaaaahhhh. But then, ICK! Fucking ICK! While combing my fingers through the sand I grabbed someone's finished cigarette. I wanted to vomit!!! It totally ruined my zen mood. It's just disgusting. Do I know where this person's mouth has been? What kind of germs am I going to get by touching this person's saliva? Even more so, why can't this smoker get off of his or her ASS and throw the butt in the garbage? Then I even made myself more nauseous by convincing myself that I was not only combing my fingers through the sand but through cigarette ashes too.
Let's just say I have a habit too. Not not a terribly harmful one, but I'm addicted nonetheless. For the sake of this argument, let's say my habit is picking my nose (wink, wink). Is it disgusting? Yes. Will it harm me? I'm sure eventually it will. Here are the effects of nose picking:
You can open the door to bacteria and infections. Avid nose-pickers may see more pimples in and around the nose due to increased oil deposits from the fingers. For a very small minority of the nostril-inclined, the consequences of their behavior have been nothing to sneeze at. You can brake a blood vessel that require cauterization (a burning process that deadens tissue) to halt the bleeding that resulted.
Now, nose picking is not as controversial as smoking but imagine if I'm a flicker. When I'm done with my booger, what if I decide to just leave it anywhere, like a smoker would do with his ashes or butt. What if leave it on a stair railing and you touch it? That's like vomit level of gross, right? What if I flick it and it accidentally lands on you? Ewww, I'm shivering with the thought. And even worse, but kind of serious, what if I pick, draw blood or not draw blood and then open a public door without washing or sanitizing my hand? ..And you're the person who touches that door handle right after me!!!! Now do you see my point?
How about a less serious issue. My habit now is chewing gum. I open the wrapper, and if I take the route of a smoker, I will throw the wrapper on the ground. Why? Because I'm done with it, that's why. That's what smokers do. They throw their trash on the ground. Then I chew. Now I'm done with the gum. Should I go out of my way to find a safe way to dispose it? No, I'm following the footsteps of a smoker. I throw it down, that's most convenient for me. Do I care if someone steps in it and tracks it with them? Not really. It's not my gum anymore so I don't really care what happens next.
Same goes for smokers. What do they think happens with their ashes and butts when they are done? Just because THEY are finished,doesn't mean it just goes away. People walk through their smoke (because they HAVE to stand in front of the doorway) and take home the smell with them. People walk through their ashes and bring it via soles into their car and homes.
I'm sure I'll hear shit from smokers...and I say go ahead! Leave a comment! I would love to hear your point a view (click on the comment button below if you dare). All I ask is that if you are going to destroy your lives, go ahead, just BUTT out of mine. And give hoot, don't pollute.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Generation Cry Baby
Lately, society has been giving titles to generations. "Generation X" "Generation Y". I do not know where they originate from but I have dubbed the new generation:
WELCOME TO GENERATION CRY BABY!
Today's PARENTS are such friggin cry babies and our current legislation keeps coming up with ways to change the laws so that no one is offended. How is our future generation going to be tough enough to fight in the military or to hold prestigious positions? The parents of today would rather cry and sue over mundane issues than teach their children a life lesson. It's really quite annoying. Here are some examples that drive me absolutely bananas:
Let's start with T-ball, soccer, etc.: EVERYBODY GETS A TROPHY???????? Give me a fucking break! You win the game, you get a trophy. Loser either cries and gets over it or just enjoys the game and goes home. But because some kids whine when they get home after losing...and the parents don't want to hear it..now the losers get trophies too. I totally blame the parents. I have played numerous games of Candy Land with my daughter. She seriously flips out when she does not get the ice cream card. So I give her a choice. She can continue with the game, have fun and see how it turns out. The result will be the same. If she wins she gets nothing and if she loses she gets nothing. OR, she can go in her room and play by herself, because if she continues this behavior she will not have any friends to play with and she will have to become accustomed to being by herself. What does giving trophies to everybody teach our children? It teaches them to be self entitled. They will believe they are entitled to money, promotions and awards that they didn't earn. This is a huge disservice. Why would they bother trying hard or striving for success? By the way, have you ever seen the losers of the Super Bowl get a ring? I haven't.
NOW PARENTS ARE SUING SCHOOLS??????? Absolutely ridiculous! I recently read a story in the paper about a parent who is suing the school because the teacher did not hang their daughter's essay on the wall along with the other students'. The teacher explained that the task was to write an essay about your summer vacation and what you did. Instead, the student wrote about her mother being sick. Is that following directions????? The parent's irrational response was to threaten to sue the school. A bit of an overreaction, don't you think? The better response would have been to review the assignment with their daughter and suggest she follow the instructions, maybe re-do the assignment to comply with what was requested. But parents of today can not accept blame, cannot accept their child has a flaw, even if was as temporary as not following the rules..and cannot discipline their children in order to guide them to their future.
NO PEANUT BUTTER IN THE SCHOOL: I have a funny feeling that I am going to surprise you all but I agree with the school (and no, I don't have children with allergies). A few years ago, in my hometown, a notice went out to parents of a school explaining that a girl who is highly allergic to peanut products will be enrolled. Her parents and the school would like the cooperation of everybody to not bring peanut butter into the school. The school would also be making accommodations by having the child sit at a "special" table in the cafeteria. Is not being allowed to bring peanut products to school inconvenient? Yes. Is it unfair to students who don't have peanut allergies and really like to eat peanut butter sandwiches? Perhaps. But the reaction that the school got from the parents was absolutely ridiculous!! Instead of keeping in mind that this girl could die, YES, DIE, from being in contact with peanut products, they focused on how upset their precious child will be if they can't have their peanut butter sandwich. Plus, it's so much easier for the parents to just slap together peanut butter on bread. Wouldn't this be the perfect opportunity to have your child open their minds to different lunches? Is it really that hard to make cream cheese and jelly instead of peanut butter and jelly? What about a turkey sandwich? It's so easy: bread, turkey, maybe cheese mustard or mayo. Not any extra steps than peanut butter. Better yet how about using this event to teach your children a little compassion? Wouldn't it be a great idea if instead of parents crying that their family is slightly inconvenienced they stress the importance of a human life over a sandwich??? Children on Generation Cry Baby will grow up valuing food and convenience over humanity.
I think the Crybaby Generation started with the act of being politically correct. This practice of being politically correct has gone completely overboard! The original intent was to eliminate prejudices but now it has gone so far that people can't say anything without the fear of insulting someone. For instance, lets use race as an example. Apparently now using the description "Oriental" is offensive. Why??? I don't get it. If a person appears to be from the Orient region of Asia..why not use it as a descriptive term? Instead, the term,"Asian", is preferred. But Asian is more broad and covers more countries. If I am trying to describe a mugger to a police sketch artist and I say "Asian", he/she wouldn't know whether to draw the picture as a Chinese person or a person from India or Israel. But if I say "Oriental" he can assume that the person has a slant to his eyes, right? Another thing, how the heck am I supposed to look at someone and decide if he or she is African American???????? A person can be white and be African American...or a person can be black, but his/her ancestors as far back as great grandparents can be from United States. I certainly don't expect people to look at ME and try to find the politically correct description. If they did that with my child, they would be politically INCORRECT in saying "Caucasian". That would be offensive, according to the current rules. They would have to use psychic skills to come up with the true identity of Polish, Italian, Russian, Hungarian (I could go on) American. These Generation Crybaby'ers are going to drive us insane trying to figure out what we can and cannot call each other. How about this instead: I call it like I see it, and if I'm seeing it wrong, correct me. That should be what being politically correct really correct means.
Would you believe that the term "Gifted Child" has been made politically incorrect by Generation Crybabies????? What? That's a fucking compliment! And if my child was gifted, I would be shouting it! But instead, the correct term is "Advanced Learner". Seriously, a rose by any other name......? I believe that this is not geared towards the "Advanced Learners" but more likely, the Crybabies whose children are not gifted were offended and jealous and put up a friggin stink about it! Does changing the name make their kids any smarter??? Uh, that would be a big fat NO. Why don't they focus on spending time with their children, teaching their children, taking away the video games and constant television and make their child use their imagination...then THEY can call their own child gifted.
Ok, I'm about to hop off my soap box here. So this post was more venting than funny..but hopefully this cycle of Crybabyies will end!!!! I fear for my children's future when children of Crybabies lead the world. This country won't be protected because we don't want to offend our enemies. The world will be made up of slackers because why should anyone strive for success when awards will be doled out to everyone regardless of achievement? And there will be an island for people with peanut allergies as not to inconvenience the rest of us without this terrible hardship. Perhaps I'll be dead by then and miss it all. If I'm lucky.
WELCOME TO GENERATION CRY BABY!
Today's PARENTS are such friggin cry babies and our current legislation keeps coming up with ways to change the laws so that no one is offended. How is our future generation going to be tough enough to fight in the military or to hold prestigious positions? The parents of today would rather cry and sue over mundane issues than teach their children a life lesson. It's really quite annoying. Here are some examples that drive me absolutely bananas:
Let's start with T-ball, soccer, etc.: EVERYBODY GETS A TROPHY???????? Give me a fucking break! You win the game, you get a trophy. Loser either cries and gets over it or just enjoys the game and goes home. But because some kids whine when they get home after losing...and the parents don't want to hear it..now the losers get trophies too. I totally blame the parents. I have played numerous games of Candy Land with my daughter. She seriously flips out when she does not get the ice cream card. So I give her a choice. She can continue with the game, have fun and see how it turns out. The result will be the same. If she wins she gets nothing and if she loses she gets nothing. OR, she can go in her room and play by herself, because if she continues this behavior she will not have any friends to play with and she will have to become accustomed to being by herself. What does giving trophies to everybody teach our children? It teaches them to be self entitled. They will believe they are entitled to money, promotions and awards that they didn't earn. This is a huge disservice. Why would they bother trying hard or striving for success? By the way, have you ever seen the losers of the Super Bowl get a ring? I haven't.
NOW PARENTS ARE SUING SCHOOLS??????? Absolutely ridiculous! I recently read a story in the paper about a parent who is suing the school because the teacher did not hang their daughter's essay on the wall along with the other students'. The teacher explained that the task was to write an essay about your summer vacation and what you did. Instead, the student wrote about her mother being sick. Is that following directions????? The parent's irrational response was to threaten to sue the school. A bit of an overreaction, don't you think? The better response would have been to review the assignment with their daughter and suggest she follow the instructions, maybe re-do the assignment to comply with what was requested. But parents of today can not accept blame, cannot accept their child has a flaw, even if was as temporary as not following the rules..and cannot discipline their children in order to guide them to their future.
NO PEANUT BUTTER IN THE SCHOOL: I have a funny feeling that I am going to surprise you all but I agree with the school (and no, I don't have children with allergies). A few years ago, in my hometown, a notice went out to parents of a school explaining that a girl who is highly allergic to peanut products will be enrolled. Her parents and the school would like the cooperation of everybody to not bring peanut butter into the school. The school would also be making accommodations by having the child sit at a "special" table in the cafeteria. Is not being allowed to bring peanut products to school inconvenient? Yes. Is it unfair to students who don't have peanut allergies and really like to eat peanut butter sandwiches? Perhaps. But the reaction that the school got from the parents was absolutely ridiculous!! Instead of keeping in mind that this girl could die, YES, DIE, from being in contact with peanut products, they focused on how upset their precious child will be if they can't have their peanut butter sandwich. Plus, it's so much easier for the parents to just slap together peanut butter on bread. Wouldn't this be the perfect opportunity to have your child open their minds to different lunches? Is it really that hard to make cream cheese and jelly instead of peanut butter and jelly? What about a turkey sandwich? It's so easy: bread, turkey, maybe cheese mustard or mayo. Not any extra steps than peanut butter. Better yet how about using this event to teach your children a little compassion? Wouldn't it be a great idea if instead of parents crying that their family is slightly inconvenienced they stress the importance of a human life over a sandwich??? Children on Generation Cry Baby will grow up valuing food and convenience over humanity.
I think the Crybaby Generation started with the act of being politically correct. This practice of being politically correct has gone completely overboard! The original intent was to eliminate prejudices but now it has gone so far that people can't say anything without the fear of insulting someone. For instance, lets use race as an example. Apparently now using the description "Oriental" is offensive. Why??? I don't get it. If a person appears to be from the Orient region of Asia..why not use it as a descriptive term? Instead, the term,"Asian", is preferred. But Asian is more broad and covers more countries. If I am trying to describe a mugger to a police sketch artist and I say "Asian", he/she wouldn't know whether to draw the picture as a Chinese person or a person from India or Israel. But if I say "Oriental" he can assume that the person has a slant to his eyes, right? Another thing, how the heck am I supposed to look at someone and decide if he or she is African American???????? A person can be white and be African American...or a person can be black, but his/her ancestors as far back as great grandparents can be from United States. I certainly don't expect people to look at ME and try to find the politically correct description. If they did that with my child, they would be politically INCORRECT in saying "Caucasian". That would be offensive, according to the current rules. They would have to use psychic skills to come up with the true identity of Polish, Italian, Russian, Hungarian (I could go on) American. These Generation Crybaby'ers are going to drive us insane trying to figure out what we can and cannot call each other. How about this instead: I call it like I see it, and if I'm seeing it wrong, correct me. That should be what being politically correct really correct means.
Would you believe that the term "Gifted Child" has been made politically incorrect by Generation Crybabies????? What? That's a fucking compliment! And if my child was gifted, I would be shouting it! But instead, the correct term is "Advanced Learner". Seriously, a rose by any other name......? I believe that this is not geared towards the "Advanced Learners" but more likely, the Crybabies whose children are not gifted were offended and jealous and put up a friggin stink about it! Does changing the name make their kids any smarter??? Uh, that would be a big fat NO. Why don't they focus on spending time with their children, teaching their children, taking away the video games and constant television and make their child use their imagination...then THEY can call their own child gifted.
Ok, I'm about to hop off my soap box here. So this post was more venting than funny..but hopefully this cycle of Crybabyies will end!!!! I fear for my children's future when children of Crybabies lead the world. This country won't be protected because we don't want to offend our enemies. The world will be made up of slackers because why should anyone strive for success when awards will be doled out to everyone regardless of achievement? And there will be an island for people with peanut allergies as not to inconvenience the rest of us without this terrible hardship. Perhaps I'll be dead by then and miss it all. If I'm lucky.
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