DEDICATED TO MY MOM: JANUARY 21, 1938 - JUNE 12, 2010
*************************************************************************************
GLOSSARY:
Minyan: Religious services, quorum of 10 men, sometimes women. Usually held at synagogue except at times of Shiva.
Shiva: Week long period of mourning. It is customary for mourners to not eat their own food. i.e. Friends and family of mourners bring or send food to the home where Shiva is being held.
Goyum: Non Jew
*************************************************************************************
The other night while sitting Shiva for my mom at her house, I took out the garbage. While I was outside, I see a car pull up in the driveway and an old lady gets out of the passenger side. This woman is so old, I think she's Father Time's widow. I don't recognize her and I figure that she is either a relative who I haven't seen since the last funeral or maybe she's a friend of my mom's who I just don't know. Many relatives and /or associates of my parents have no idea if I am Stacey or my twin sister. Not that we look alike, but people are too lazy to remember our identities. Anyway, I decide to take the initiative and introduce myself. Here is the scenario:
Me: Hi (old freaking lady). I'm Stacey.
Father Time's Widow: (In a thick Eastern European Accent) Who Died???????
Me: (Taken back, just a little as the black ribbon I am wearing would indicate that I am a direct descendant of the deceased) My mom!
Father Time's Widow: What happened?
Me: She had cancer.
Father Time's Widow: Where's the husband?
(notice there was no mention of sorrow or condolences)
Me: He died 3 years ago.
Father Time's Widow: Maybe I will recognize the pictures in the house.
Me: What? Are you just here for the sloppy joes???
Then I see the driver of the car, a young man, approach me. I don't recognize him either but then I figure he's a friend or client of my brother. Again I take the initiative of introducing myself.
Me: Hi, I'm Stacey.
Unidentified Man: Hi, I'm Paul.
(Notice, I am still wearing the black ribbon mentioned above and still no words of sympathy).
Me: Excuse me, but what is your association here?
Unidentified Man: We are here for the Minyan (see Glossary above).
AHA!!!!!! They are not Shiva crashers as I suspected. They were actually members of the temple, here for the service.
What a relief! I thought I was going to have to call Vito the bouncer to get these crashers out.
But then I thought, WHAT A RACKET!!!
What an awesome idea. Step 1: Look at the obituaries in the newspaper and check for Jewish sounding names. For you Goyums (check glossary) if you can't tell by the last name, read each one and see if the article states any of the following: Funeral is being held the next day OR the name of the cemetery has the word Shalom in it OR it even states where Shiva is being held.
Step 2: Memorize or take notes on who the remaining survivors are. You may need this to address the mourners ("Oh, I am a friend of a friend of Josh"). If they are very religious, you are in luck! With the very religious Jewish people, you cannot talk to the mourners until they initiate the conversation. If that's the case, You're pretty much in! Just go along with it and keep your mouth shut so you don't blow your cover.
Step 3: Mourners are not permitted to serve the people who come to show their condolences. Go straight to the buffet and help yourself. Bring your family!!!
Imagine, you had a long day at work..you get home around six and the last thing you feel like doing is cooking dinner for your family. The kids just had McDonald's last night and you worry about obesity and all that crap. You don't want to go out for dinner because your husband complained that you spend too much money on non incidentals. Open the paper, calmly say to your family: Hey, Lenore Goldshine died, anyone in the mood for brisket?????????
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
YOU OUGHT TO NEED A LICENSE
About eight years ago I went to adopt a dog from a shelter. I found the dog love of my life at a rescue place. Bailey was just so stunning, I have never seen such a cute and unique looking dog. I found out that Bailey was found wandering the streets of Paterson NJ on a miserable snowy day. That day was so horrible that it was considered a state of emergency and no cars were even allowed on the road. Furthermore, once she was picked up by the pound, she was mistreated by the employees and was then rescued by this shelter. My heart just melted, I HAD to have this dog and save her!
The paperwork to fill out was four pages long! I had to include my living arrangement, work history and about 100 references. I rolled up my sleeve because I thought they were going to draw blood too. You would think I had applied for a job at the white house. Of course they have to check my background so I can't take the dog home right away, they tell me they will call me. Several days later I get a call saying that I am not qualified to take home the dog. WHAT????????????????? The reason is that I am a renter, not a home owner (even though the home I rented had 3 floors) and here's the best part: (insert drum roll here) I AM NOT A STAY AT HOME (DOG) MOM!!!! Are you fucking kidding me? I know people that have live children and don't stay home with them. They expect me to quit work to stay home with a dog?? I was devastated. I COULD NOT believe that this dog was better off in a crate with a cement floor with no interaction than with me because I work. It took about a week of persuading but I got my landlord to call the shelter to confirm that I will not get evicted for having a dog and I also hired a dog walker to come once a day while I was at work. Hallelujah, I was now worthy of having a dog. By the way, I still have the dog and she does not seem at all traumatized about me being a working dog mother.
Fast forward to five years ago. I walk into a hospital, spit out a baby and I need nothing, absolutely nothing but a car seat to take her home. Nobody had me fill out a four page application. I didn't have to provide a work history or even references. I wasn't asked if I own a home or rent or how many people live in my household and they let me walk out with a human being to raise. How on earth does this make sense? If I don't parent the dog correctly, the worse that can happen is that she shits on my floor or chews my shoes. It really has no impact on anyone but the other members of the household. But, if I don't parent this tiny human correctly, she could be a menace to society..the entire society. You would think they would make me take an I.Q. test or something. Nothing crazy like explaining the String Theory. Just something that would indicate whether or not I know right from wrong. For example: If your child is screaming and driving you crazy, do you:
A. Try calming methods like swinging her or rubbing her back
B. Try feeding her or changing her diaper.
C. Crazy Glue her lips shut.
I mention this because I just read an article about a father who tattooed a gang symbol on his seven year old son. WHAT - THE - FUCK is wrong with this guy? How was HE allowed to bring a human being home to raise? This article mentioned that the father stated that the son wanted a tattoo. Oh, Ok, a seven year old wants to permanently scar his skin, with a target for bullets, i.e. gang symbol. Sure kid, what the heck. Now if this father had to take a test before bringing the baby home, this might have been avoided. This poor kid is a victim to having stupid parents. I say parents because even though the mother was not mentioned, she was stupid enough to have sex with someone that would tattoo a child.
I think the dog rescue shelter and baby hospitals should join forces. If you are qualified to bring home a child, perhaps you can get a puppy too.
The paperwork to fill out was four pages long! I had to include my living arrangement, work history and about 100 references. I rolled up my sleeve because I thought they were going to draw blood too. You would think I had applied for a job at the white house. Of course they have to check my background so I can't take the dog home right away, they tell me they will call me. Several days later I get a call saying that I am not qualified to take home the dog. WHAT????????????????? The reason is that I am a renter, not a home owner (even though the home I rented had 3 floors) and here's the best part: (insert drum roll here) I AM NOT A STAY AT HOME (DOG) MOM!!!! Are you fucking kidding me? I know people that have live children and don't stay home with them. They expect me to quit work to stay home with a dog?? I was devastated. I COULD NOT believe that this dog was better off in a crate with a cement floor with no interaction than with me because I work. It took about a week of persuading but I got my landlord to call the shelter to confirm that I will not get evicted for having a dog and I also hired a dog walker to come once a day while I was at work. Hallelujah, I was now worthy of having a dog. By the way, I still have the dog and she does not seem at all traumatized about me being a working dog mother.
Fast forward to five years ago. I walk into a hospital, spit out a baby and I need nothing, absolutely nothing but a car seat to take her home. Nobody had me fill out a four page application. I didn't have to provide a work history or even references. I wasn't asked if I own a home or rent or how many people live in my household and they let me walk out with a human being to raise. How on earth does this make sense? If I don't parent the dog correctly, the worse that can happen is that she shits on my floor or chews my shoes. It really has no impact on anyone but the other members of the household. But, if I don't parent this tiny human correctly, she could be a menace to society..the entire society. You would think they would make me take an I.Q. test or something. Nothing crazy like explaining the String Theory. Just something that would indicate whether or not I know right from wrong. For example: If your child is screaming and driving you crazy, do you:
A. Try calming methods like swinging her or rubbing her back
B. Try feeding her or changing her diaper.
C. Crazy Glue her lips shut.
I mention this because I just read an article about a father who tattooed a gang symbol on his seven year old son. WHAT - THE - FUCK is wrong with this guy? How was HE allowed to bring a human being home to raise? This article mentioned that the father stated that the son wanted a tattoo. Oh, Ok, a seven year old wants to permanently scar his skin, with a target for bullets, i.e. gang symbol. Sure kid, what the heck. Now if this father had to take a test before bringing the baby home, this might have been avoided. This poor kid is a victim to having stupid parents. I say parents because even though the mother was not mentioned, she was stupid enough to have sex with someone that would tattoo a child.
I think the dog rescue shelter and baby hospitals should join forces. If you are qualified to bring home a child, perhaps you can get a puppy too.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Spanx Me
I had a wedding to go to and an awesome new dress. Too bad I still have my three year old baby pouch. Diet and exercise??? Feh! Spanx is the answer.
For those virgin Spanx'ers or male readers out there..Spanx is a modern day "girdle". I hate that word by the way. Spanx sucks everything in and renders the user breathless. Your tummy looks flat, your ass looks tight and you are turning blue because everything is just sucked in. Sometimes, depending on where the elastic lands..you can't even eat at the event because there is no room for the food in your temporarily minimized stomach. But it's better to look good than to feel good. Right?
So, I go to Lord and Taylors to buy my Spanx. A male cashier is checking me out. Well, not checking me out, but facilitating my purchase. Anyhow, when paying he asked me "Do you want a gift receipt for this?" Without missing a beat I answered, "I think I would get punched in the face if I gave this as a gift!". Can you imagine???
Just picture this scenario: Happy Birthday Jennifer!!! Ooh, ooh, open my present first! I got you Spanx, being that your ass is so fat and your flabby stomach causes a muffin top. Now Jennifer, put down that birthday cake...you want fit into your Spanks don't you?
Only a man would ask me if I wanted a gift receipt. If he is reading this, the following items don't require one either: Laxatives, Diet pills and Sanitary napkins / tampons. Hope this guy doesn't get a job at Harmons.
For those virgin Spanx'ers or male readers out there..Spanx is a modern day "girdle". I hate that word by the way. Spanx sucks everything in and renders the user breathless. Your tummy looks flat, your ass looks tight and you are turning blue because everything is just sucked in. Sometimes, depending on where the elastic lands..you can't even eat at the event because there is no room for the food in your temporarily minimized stomach. But it's better to look good than to feel good. Right?
So, I go to Lord and Taylors to buy my Spanx. A male cashier is checking me out. Well, not checking me out, but facilitating my purchase. Anyhow, when paying he asked me "Do you want a gift receipt for this?" Without missing a beat I answered, "I think I would get punched in the face if I gave this as a gift!". Can you imagine???
Just picture this scenario: Happy Birthday Jennifer!!! Ooh, ooh, open my present first! I got you Spanx, being that your ass is so fat and your flabby stomach causes a muffin top. Now Jennifer, put down that birthday cake...you want fit into your Spanks don't you?
Only a man would ask me if I wanted a gift receipt. If he is reading this, the following items don't require one either: Laxatives, Diet pills and Sanitary napkins / tampons. Hope this guy doesn't get a job at Harmons.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
3 HOTS AND A COT!
I'M A FUGITIVE!!! THERE IS A WARRANT OUT FOR MY ARREST! MY HORRIBLE CRIME?????
WAIT FOR IT...............
LEAVING MY CAR PARKED IN THE STREET IN FRONT OF MY HOME.
I know, what a disappointment.
Here's the story...It was the evening of my daughter's birthday. My husband pulled the car out of the driveway and left it in the street so that my POOR, CRIPPLED, Mother could park in the driveway. After the wild party which lasted until the late hour of 7:00 pm, we put the kids to bed, cleaned up, sat on the couch and vegged and then forgot ALL about it.
The next day we found a ticket on the car for parking in the street overnight. So lame. We live in the suburbs, there is no street cleaning and garbage pickup wasn't that day. No reason to have a stupid law against parking in the street. The only reason I can think of is for the snow plows or just to raise revenue at the expense of tired parents like us who occasionally forget.
Anyway, the BEST part of this story is that I am actually considering turning myself in!
YES!!!!!!
A day or so in jail! I could totally use the rest and a break from the daily minutiae of my day. It sounds so inviting to me. I envision laying on my cot, reading some magazines, and having all my meals brought to me. Meals! Ones that I didn't shop for or cook myself!
Oh the glory!
No work, no kids. And this is punishment? It certainly doesn't fit the crime! I have heard of cruel and unusual punishment..but this is more like well deserved punishment! My town has some pretty wealthy people in it..I'm sure the jail is lovely. It probably even has curtains.
My other thought is to turn myself in on Mother's Day. Make it a little "Daycation". I'll get a mani-pedi first, bring my new Sarah Pekkanen book, and maybe since I'll have the time on my hands, I'll start working on my own book. Stay tuned!
WAIT FOR IT...............
LEAVING MY CAR PARKED IN THE STREET IN FRONT OF MY HOME.
I know, what a disappointment.
Here's the story...It was the evening of my daughter's birthday. My husband pulled the car out of the driveway and left it in the street so that my POOR, CRIPPLED, Mother could park in the driveway. After the wild party which lasted until the late hour of 7:00 pm, we put the kids to bed, cleaned up, sat on the couch and vegged and then forgot ALL about it.
The next day we found a ticket on the car for parking in the street overnight. So lame. We live in the suburbs, there is no street cleaning and garbage pickup wasn't that day. No reason to have a stupid law against parking in the street. The only reason I can think of is for the snow plows or just to raise revenue at the expense of tired parents like us who occasionally forget.
Anyway, the BEST part of this story is that I am actually considering turning myself in!
YES!!!!!!
A day or so in jail! I could totally use the rest and a break from the daily minutiae of my day. It sounds so inviting to me. I envision laying on my cot, reading some magazines, and having all my meals brought to me. Meals! Ones that I didn't shop for or cook myself!
Oh the glory!
No work, no kids. And this is punishment? It certainly doesn't fit the crime! I have heard of cruel and unusual punishment..but this is more like well deserved punishment! My town has some pretty wealthy people in it..I'm sure the jail is lovely. It probably even has curtains.
My other thought is to turn myself in on Mother's Day. Make it a little "Daycation". I'll get a mani-pedi first, bring my new Sarah Pekkanen book, and maybe since I'll have the time on my hands, I'll start working on my own book. Stay tuned!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The Gy(NO!) Visit
Many people have a certain time of the year where they get depressed. For some it's the holidays, others it's their birthday and a significant amount of people get depressed in the winter time. Me? My depression comes once a year when I have to have my annual at the gyno! (Enter sigh here). I'm cringing just thinking about it.
This year I got a great compliment when I went. The doctor asked "You're 39?" and I answered, "Yes, I will be 40 in June". Then he replied, "Well you look GREAT! You take good care of yourself". I was very happy when he said that but then it hit me that he was looking IN me at the time..not AT me! So, does that mean my cervix looks great for my age? Can I go around bragging that I am 40 years old but have the vagina of a 30 year old? I guess a compliment is a compliment and I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth..or in the crotch.
As I have explained in my other posts, I am a bit neurotic. Thoughts worry me that probably don't even enter other people's heads. If you dare to read on..you'll find some of my crazy concerns and some great gyno ideas:
* Do I groom first? I don't mean brush it and put bows in it, but is it proper gyno etiquette to at least shave it down? Sometimes when I go to the dentist, I think about eating Oreos first to create a challenge for the dentist, shake up his day a little. Do I extend the same challenge to the Gyno? Isn't his job bad enough?
What if the doctor's office provided the service of waxing? Wouldn't that be great? I know many women, including myself who feel humilated going to get a bikini wax. It's embarrasing, it's awkward and it's just not fun. Soo, if you feel those emotions anyway while going to the gyno AND going to the "Spa" why not just get it all over with at one time???
By the way, for years I would only see female gynecologists. I just figured that there must be something wrong with a guy who wants to do this for a living...like a pervert or something. I have since overcome that. But having a baby will do that to you. When you are in the hospital having a baby..EVERYONE, I mean EVERYONE lifts up that sheet around your legs and takes a peak. You just have no idea whether it's a doctor, nurse, custodian or visitor. But I digress, back to my issues:
*Why do they bother giving me the gown? They are looking at the most vulnerable part of me anyway. What? Covering my fat belly and droopy boobs are going to make me feel more modest? I think I would feel much better if maybe they threw a little towel over my front and then turned down the lights. He can use the little night light they keep at the end of the stirrups. Plus, in my opinion, he picked the short straw. I may be in this paper gown that rips when I put it on but I actually feel bad for him because he has to look at ME. Hey, I may be the naked one, but at least I don't have to see myself.
I once went to the doctor where instead of putting my legs up..the chair went all the way back and then up at the legs..kind of like a dentist chair but the back went down further and the leg part went up higher. Now that's service! It was awesome!!! She DID dim the lights and I almost felt as though I should be eating strawberries and sipping champagne. I was almost wishing for a high risk pregnancy just so I could go back to her.
*Oh my God, what if I fart? It could happen! What if he accidentally presses on a nerve or something and a fart sneaks out?? I would be mortified. To my knowledge this has never happened to me or anyone..but you just never know.
* My visit would definitely be more pleasurable if the office provided more services. Charge me a little more and put a flat screen tv on the ceiling. That way, I can focus on a reality tv show and not on the fact that there is someone looking and feeling my insides.
Also, while my feet are in stirrups..why not get a pedicure? Kill two birds with one stone, right? It would probably be easier for the manicurist too. They won't have to bend down to do my toes..since my feet will be up in the air supported by stirrups anyway. Also, it's not like I can leave work to get a pedicure..but it's a perfectly good excuse to leave work to go to the doctor. So what if I come back wearing flip flops with tissue between by toes.
So Gynos: If you're out there,reading this just remember the following:
TV on ceiling, pedicure, dim lights and just forget about the damn gown.
364 days until my next gyno anxiety attack.
This year I got a great compliment when I went. The doctor asked "You're 39?" and I answered, "Yes, I will be 40 in June". Then he replied, "Well you look GREAT! You take good care of yourself". I was very happy when he said that but then it hit me that he was looking IN me at the time..not AT me! So, does that mean my cervix looks great for my age? Can I go around bragging that I am 40 years old but have the vagina of a 30 year old? I guess a compliment is a compliment and I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth..or in the crotch.
As I have explained in my other posts, I am a bit neurotic. Thoughts worry me that probably don't even enter other people's heads. If you dare to read on..you'll find some of my crazy concerns and some great gyno ideas:
* Do I groom first? I don't mean brush it and put bows in it, but is it proper gyno etiquette to at least shave it down? Sometimes when I go to the dentist, I think about eating Oreos first to create a challenge for the dentist, shake up his day a little. Do I extend the same challenge to the Gyno? Isn't his job bad enough?
What if the doctor's office provided the service of waxing? Wouldn't that be great? I know many women, including myself who feel humilated going to get a bikini wax. It's embarrasing, it's awkward and it's just not fun. Soo, if you feel those emotions anyway while going to the gyno AND going to the "Spa" why not just get it all over with at one time???
By the way, for years I would only see female gynecologists. I just figured that there must be something wrong with a guy who wants to do this for a living...like a pervert or something. I have since overcome that. But having a baby will do that to you. When you are in the hospital having a baby..EVERYONE, I mean EVERYONE lifts up that sheet around your legs and takes a peak. You just have no idea whether it's a doctor, nurse, custodian or visitor. But I digress, back to my issues:
*Why do they bother giving me the gown? They are looking at the most vulnerable part of me anyway. What? Covering my fat belly and droopy boobs are going to make me feel more modest? I think I would feel much better if maybe they threw a little towel over my front and then turned down the lights. He can use the little night light they keep at the end of the stirrups. Plus, in my opinion, he picked the short straw. I may be in this paper gown that rips when I put it on but I actually feel bad for him because he has to look at ME. Hey, I may be the naked one, but at least I don't have to see myself.
I once went to the doctor where instead of putting my legs up..the chair went all the way back and then up at the legs..kind of like a dentist chair but the back went down further and the leg part went up higher. Now that's service! It was awesome!!! She DID dim the lights and I almost felt as though I should be eating strawberries and sipping champagne. I was almost wishing for a high risk pregnancy just so I could go back to her.
*Oh my God, what if I fart? It could happen! What if he accidentally presses on a nerve or something and a fart sneaks out?? I would be mortified. To my knowledge this has never happened to me or anyone..but you just never know.
* My visit would definitely be more pleasurable if the office provided more services. Charge me a little more and put a flat screen tv on the ceiling. That way, I can focus on a reality tv show and not on the fact that there is someone looking and feeling my insides.
Also, while my feet are in stirrups..why not get a pedicure? Kill two birds with one stone, right? It would probably be easier for the manicurist too. They won't have to bend down to do my toes..since my feet will be up in the air supported by stirrups anyway. Also, it's not like I can leave work to get a pedicure..but it's a perfectly good excuse to leave work to go to the doctor. So what if I come back wearing flip flops with tissue between by toes.
So Gynos: If you're out there,reading this just remember the following:
TV on ceiling, pedicure, dim lights and just forget about the damn gown.
364 days until my next gyno anxiety attack.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Just A Day in the Park
Have you ever been to the park with your son or daughter and you see a crazy lady yelling at other people's kids? That crazy lady happens to be me! But I have a declaration to make: I am DONE..DONE parenting other people's children!
It is completely beyond my comprehension why people bring their children to public places and then don't bother to watch them? Granted when a kid reaches a certain age, it is not necessary to stand over them. But your eyes should always be on them. The park is for sharing. If you don't want to share or behave appropriately...stay home.
Incident number one happened when my daughter had her eye on the tire swing the moment we got the park. It was always in use. As my daughter was walking towards another activity, she saw that the tire swing had become free. She started running towards it and was an arm length's away when a boy saw her, looked back at where she was running to and hauled ass to the swing and got on it. Just to get a better mental picture, he was walking with two other boys in the opposite direction of this swing. He had already passed it, knowing it was unoccupied. Upon seeing my daughter run towards it, he decided he had to get on it at that moment. So when he did that, I made it a point to let him know that it was a very mean thing to do. I waited for a parent to come and say "hey, why don't you give the girl a turn" but no one showed up. So my daughter walked away holding back the tears. I really had an urge to push the kid off the swing. Hopefully my verbal abuse was enough to scar him.
Incident number two was with a girl sitting at the edge of the slide. I don't know who the girl was and it wasn't my kid going down at the time. But, I thought I would be a good Samaritan and warn the girl that someone was coming down and that she might want to stop loitering at the end of the slide. She got up, the kid came down..but THEN SHE SAT BACK DOWN ON THE SLIDE! What a dumb kid! I mean, while she was sitting on the slide, she was looking at a bench. Wouldn't that be a better place to take a rest? So, she is sitting back down on the slide and it's my daughter's turn to go down. I give the girl another chance. Hey, not all kids are as bright as mine. :) I let her know that she is about to get kicked in the back. Ok, so I wasn't saving a life here, and maybe she would get just a little hurt..but where's her fucking mother telling her to move?? And, just because I happen to be the responsible adult standing there, is it MY responsibility to teach this child cause and effect?
The last incident was another kid using the slide inappropriately. He was walking up it as my daughter was trying to go down. This time I just said "fuck it" and I didn't say a word. If his idiotic parent doesn't care if his teeth get knocked out than neither do I. My three year old had the decency to get up and move out of the way. I secretly wish she hadn't. I wish she went down and knocked this boy on his ass. But then again, here is my three year old who is in the 3rd percentile weight wise and the 50th percentile for height up against a boy who looks like a monster compared to her.
When she was done with the slide, I had HAD it with the park and idiotic kids and their ignorant parents. I bribed my girls with Dairy Queen and got the hell out of Dodge.
I am also very glad I invested in my backyard swing set.
It is completely beyond my comprehension why people bring their children to public places and then don't bother to watch them? Granted when a kid reaches a certain age, it is not necessary to stand over them. But your eyes should always be on them. The park is for sharing. If you don't want to share or behave appropriately...stay home.
Incident number one happened when my daughter had her eye on the tire swing the moment we got the park. It was always in use. As my daughter was walking towards another activity, she saw that the tire swing had become free. She started running towards it and was an arm length's away when a boy saw her, looked back at where she was running to and hauled ass to the swing and got on it. Just to get a better mental picture, he was walking with two other boys in the opposite direction of this swing. He had already passed it, knowing it was unoccupied. Upon seeing my daughter run towards it, he decided he had to get on it at that moment. So when he did that, I made it a point to let him know that it was a very mean thing to do. I waited for a parent to come and say "hey, why don't you give the girl a turn" but no one showed up. So my daughter walked away holding back the tears. I really had an urge to push the kid off the swing. Hopefully my verbal abuse was enough to scar him.
Incident number two was with a girl sitting at the edge of the slide. I don't know who the girl was and it wasn't my kid going down at the time. But, I thought I would be a good Samaritan and warn the girl that someone was coming down and that she might want to stop loitering at the end of the slide. She got up, the kid came down..but THEN SHE SAT BACK DOWN ON THE SLIDE! What a dumb kid! I mean, while she was sitting on the slide, she was looking at a bench. Wouldn't that be a better place to take a rest? So, she is sitting back down on the slide and it's my daughter's turn to go down. I give the girl another chance. Hey, not all kids are as bright as mine. :) I let her know that she is about to get kicked in the back. Ok, so I wasn't saving a life here, and maybe she would get just a little hurt..but where's her fucking mother telling her to move?? And, just because I happen to be the responsible adult standing there, is it MY responsibility to teach this child cause and effect?
The last incident was another kid using the slide inappropriately. He was walking up it as my daughter was trying to go down. This time I just said "fuck it" and I didn't say a word. If his idiotic parent doesn't care if his teeth get knocked out than neither do I. My three year old had the decency to get up and move out of the way. I secretly wish she hadn't. I wish she went down and knocked this boy on his ass. But then again, here is my three year old who is in the 3rd percentile weight wise and the 50th percentile for height up against a boy who looks like a monster compared to her.
When she was done with the slide, I had HAD it with the park and idiotic kids and their ignorant parents. I bribed my girls with Dairy Queen and got the hell out of Dodge.
I am also very glad I invested in my backyard swing set.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
EWWW! That's F'kin GROSS!
It's only Wednesday but I can't believe I have survived this week so far unscathed. By now I should have received a virus or been punched in the face. I have witnessed three gross, disgusting acts of "Sanitation Betrayal" (yes, I coined my own term. Like it??)...and I was VERY vocal about it.
On Monday I went into the bathroom at work. There are two stalls. The person in the other stall was obviously making a doodie. It stunk, she was noisy about it and when she heard me walk in..she made an attempt to hurry up and get out. I guess she was shy about her pooping. So, if you have read my other posts, you will know that I am VERY QUICK with my peeing. As she was walking out of her stall, I flushed. When I opened my stall door I noticed that she DID NOT WASH HER HANDS! Ewww! Ick! Yuck!. As she was running out the door (I did not see her face so I don't know if it is someone who works in the building - which means it could be a repeat offender) I yelled "Wash your fucking hands you pig". I have no idea if she heard me, I really don't understand how she couldn't. I mean, I mumble shit under my breath and both my husband and boss hear them when I really don't want them too. I envisioned her coming back in and smacking me with that smelly, fecal contaminated hand. I learned my lesson though. You just never know! I washed my hands and I took the paper towel I used to dry them to turn the door knob. The walk back to the office suite from the bathroom was uneventful. I was safe!
Lady: In case you are reading this, and you know who you are even if I don't know who you are. After you go potty, you wash your hands with warm water. As you are washing your hands, sing this song so that you know when it's time to stop washing:
(To the tune of "Where is Thumpkin") Top and bottom / top and bottom / in between / in between / rub them all together / rub them all together/ Now we're clean / Now we're clean.
Yesterday I went to the A&P Grocery store. While I was waiting on line at the pharmacy, some older lady walks past me and I hear "Kah". (That's my onomatopoei for a cough). EWWWL! She coughed and didn't even cover her mouth!!!! What the fuck is wrong with her?????????? My daughter who just turned 3 last week even says "germs are not for sharing". How come this old lady does not know this? Was she just too lazy to move her arm up to her mouth? She had nothing in her hands and she wasn't pushing a cart. It's not like her hands were busy doing something else. Of course I could not keep this to myself so I said "Ewl, cover your mouth". I did not add any name calling. She was old..I showed a little respect. Again, I expected a dirty look, a germ contaminated hand to smack me. Nothing! Nothing! So my theory would be that people who display Sanitary Betrayal behaviors are passive aggressive. They won't say or do anything to defend their wrong actions, they will just get you sick by spreading their "icky bugs".
The third act of Sanitary Betrayal was also yesterday at the A&P. (Sorry A&P, you're getting a bad rep here). I was on line (or is it in line?) at the checkout. The person checking out in front of me paid by cash. The cashier was giving change and she LICKED HER FINGER to get a better grip on the dollar bill! So fucking gross!!!! Why would she do that? If she has trouble grabbing bills, she should wear one of those rubber things on her fingers like bank tellers do. If I were the customer I would have asked her to put that money aside and get a manger to hand her the change. So now this poor person is walking around with spit in her wallet. I have heard of dirty money..but this is ridiculous. When it was my turn to pay...I took out my credit card and swiped it myself. My germs are not for sharing!
I am by far not a germ a phobe! My house is dirty and I did not use hand sanitizer when my kids were babies. I think being exposed to a little dirt is ok and my kids are pretty much never sick. BUT, I'm starting to think that Michael Jackson had the right idea walking around with gloves anad a mask on!
On Monday I went into the bathroom at work. There are two stalls. The person in the other stall was obviously making a doodie. It stunk, she was noisy about it and when she heard me walk in..she made an attempt to hurry up and get out. I guess she was shy about her pooping. So, if you have read my other posts, you will know that I am VERY QUICK with my peeing. As she was walking out of her stall, I flushed. When I opened my stall door I noticed that she DID NOT WASH HER HANDS! Ewww! Ick! Yuck!. As she was running out the door (I did not see her face so I don't know if it is someone who works in the building - which means it could be a repeat offender) I yelled "Wash your fucking hands you pig". I have no idea if she heard me, I really don't understand how she couldn't. I mean, I mumble shit under my breath and both my husband and boss hear them when I really don't want them too. I envisioned her coming back in and smacking me with that smelly, fecal contaminated hand. I learned my lesson though. You just never know! I washed my hands and I took the paper towel I used to dry them to turn the door knob. The walk back to the office suite from the bathroom was uneventful. I was safe!
Lady: In case you are reading this, and you know who you are even if I don't know who you are. After you go potty, you wash your hands with warm water. As you are washing your hands, sing this song so that you know when it's time to stop washing:
(To the tune of "Where is Thumpkin") Top and bottom / top and bottom / in between / in between / rub them all together / rub them all together/ Now we're clean / Now we're clean.
Yesterday I went to the A&P Grocery store. While I was waiting on line at the pharmacy, some older lady walks past me and I hear "Kah". (That's my onomatopoei for a cough). EWWWL! She coughed and didn't even cover her mouth!!!! What the fuck is wrong with her?????????? My daughter who just turned 3 last week even says "germs are not for sharing". How come this old lady does not know this? Was she just too lazy to move her arm up to her mouth? She had nothing in her hands and she wasn't pushing a cart. It's not like her hands were busy doing something else. Of course I could not keep this to myself so I said "Ewl, cover your mouth". I did not add any name calling. She was old..I showed a little respect. Again, I expected a dirty look, a germ contaminated hand to smack me. Nothing! Nothing! So my theory would be that people who display Sanitary Betrayal behaviors are passive aggressive. They won't say or do anything to defend their wrong actions, they will just get you sick by spreading their "icky bugs".
The third act of Sanitary Betrayal was also yesterday at the A&P. (Sorry A&P, you're getting a bad rep here). I was on line (or is it in line?) at the checkout. The person checking out in front of me paid by cash. The cashier was giving change and she LICKED HER FINGER to get a better grip on the dollar bill! So fucking gross!!!! Why would she do that? If she has trouble grabbing bills, she should wear one of those rubber things on her fingers like bank tellers do. If I were the customer I would have asked her to put that money aside and get a manger to hand her the change. So now this poor person is walking around with spit in her wallet. I have heard of dirty money..but this is ridiculous. When it was my turn to pay...I took out my credit card and swiped it myself. My germs are not for sharing!
I am by far not a germ a phobe! My house is dirty and I did not use hand sanitizer when my kids were babies. I think being exposed to a little dirt is ok and my kids are pretty much never sick. BUT, I'm starting to think that Michael Jackson had the right idea walking around with gloves anad a mask on!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)