Friday, November 13, 2009

"Bathroom Humor"

You will find that many of my posts will be about pooping. I will take a moment to explain myself. I realize this is not required but perhaps you can get some insight into my twisted thoughts.

Pooping is a major part of my life. I'm not proud of it, just a fact. Some people have their children as the center of their life. But pooping, as I'll explain below, really takes control over me. I more often than not have to base a decision on whether or not pooping will fit into the schedule. For example: do I go to the movies after going out for dinner? When I feel the urge, do I stop off at a store and drag my kids into the stall with me or do I test fate and see if I can make it all the way home?

I have this undiagnosed condition which causes me to poop ALL - THE - TIME. I have been to doctors, I have tried medication, altered my diet..everything. Nothing works. Actually there is only 1 cure: BEING PREGNANT. I loved, loved, loved being pregnant and one of the major reasons was that I didn't have to poop everytime I ate or drank something. I have no aspirations of being Octomom, the Duggars or a Kate + 8. Also, quite frankly, I'm pushing don't think I have many more years of this. Granted I could give these kids away(if I chose to become pregnant again), but I had a hard enough time trying to find a home for my docile cat!

It really is an inconvenience. Especially since I really don't like to poop in public, especially when I am sharing the bathroom with someone in the other stall. I actually turned down a job offer once when I noticed that the bathroom was actually just one regular bathroom, like in a house, inside the office. Not down a hall or upstairs, away from my potential employer and fellow employees. Can you imagine that "walk of shame" out of the bathroom? I would literally be the "butt" of all jokes. Now my brother has a theory of "I suffer ,you guys can suffer along with me". I am really trying to adapt that attitude but it's a work in progress.

Sometimes it's actually comical. I'm kind of like "Lucy" from "I love Lucy". I get into these predicaments where I'm somewhere away from a comfort zone (i.e. home, friend's house etc). and I'm suddenly in immenent danger of pooping in my pants. Many of you might have seen my facebook post where I was at the U.S.S Army (ship in NYC). They thoroughly checked my purse for contraband but they should have checked my colon because it was carrying a weapon of mass destruction! I left a bomb on their Port-a- Potty there. They never knew what hit them. Yuck, I HATE those things.

So, maybe now you guys can understand that I'm not just trying to use bathroom humor to entertain ya'll. Well, I hope it actually does entertain you, but now you know the awful truth.

Honorable mentions:
My darling husband who puts up with it all.

Jim L - when he had his pad in Hoboken I woke him up on an early Saturday morning while he was still sleeping off the alcohol from the night before and I totally destroyed his bathroom. He simply unlocked his door, went back to bed and either forgot it ever happened or was kind enough to ignore it.

Michelle D of ADP - for driving like a friggin maniac back to work without me even asking her to after an out of the office lunch break.

McDonalds at the Brookside rest area on Garden State Parkway: WARNING: THIS IS THE DIRTIEST MOST DISGUSTING BATHROOM I HAVE EVER BEEN SUBJECTED TO USING. If I had the choice again of pooping in my pants or using this rest room again, I would choose to poop in my pants.

Also, what's up with the bathrooms in Bed Bath and Beyond. They SELL everything to make a bathroom nice: mats, candles, seats, dispensers, etc. It was another gross bathroom but not nearly as bad as Brookside.

hmm...maybe I'll capitlize on this and publish a guide (like zagats) where I rate the public restrooms.

Just Thinking Out Loud.


  1. Let's not forget you coming by my house when I wasn't home and leaving a message..."I came, I pooped and I left"

  2. Sadly, I too have a similar issue. It's very comical when you talk about it, but not so much when you experience it. Certain foods trigger it worse than others---which is why I NEVER order red meat at a restaurant. I could tell you every usable bathroom between Bridgewater and Easton, PA (where I used to work). BTW: Truck stops are horrific!

    I used to commute from NJ to CT every day for 3 years. Ever get stuck in rush hour traffic at a major bridge when fireworks are going off in your colon? Good times. I remember once ditching my car on the side of the road right after the Tappan Zee bridge and running through 150 years of marshy area in order to get to a Burger King. I did make it in time, but my legs were soaking wet up to my shins. Try explaining that one to your boss;-)

    Oh yeah...thank God there are Dunkin' Donuts on every street corner. They are usually in decent condition and you have the place to yourself---unless of course it's occupied. Then you do the pacing back and forth whilst sweat pours down your brow.

    Perhaps we should start a new group..."PA" (Poopers Anonymous)? Hi. I'm Ben and I poop a lot".

  3. Ben, we are soul mates! Maybe you should try getting pregnant too. I once contimplated pooping in a spare diaper I had in my diaper bag. The only problem was I was on that bridge from Route 280 to Newark and there's no shoulder! I couldn't even pull over. But you reminded me of another thing..I never accepted or applied to a job in the city. I never wanted to get stuck on the path with my problem. All of my jobs have been within 20 minutes of where I lived. Your Burger King story was hilarious. Sorry to be laughing at your expense.