Sunday, November 22, 2009
It is a little ridiculous. I have more facebook friends than real life friends. If I sent each "friend" a request for some money, or called them to bail me out of jail..I wonder which ones would pull through. Probably about 2 or 3. They would of course be the ones that I categorize as my real life friends.
I have enjoyed facebook mainly because I don't just allow ANYONE to "friend me". I have received friend requests from people that I have no idea who they are, from people who only contacted me because we share the same last name but have never met, and from some people who are neither friends nor enemies, merely acquaintances. I pretty much hit the Ignore button when any of these people send me a request. If I have accepted your facebook friendship, consider yourself lucky. It means that I would like to be in contact with you..I do or at one time in my life cared about you. Maybe we lost touch just because we were geographically separated and got we self absorbed in our own lives. It's not a crime, just a fact of life. New people move in, old people move out.
But here's my latest issue (I know, I have a lot): I received a facebook friend request from one of my sister's former friends. (Notice, I didn't say she was MY friend, she maybe was nice to me because of my sister. But then again she was never NOT NICE to me). For the life of me I have no idea why she would send me a friend request. Wait, not one request, but 2. I hit the ignore button hoping she would just go away but then a week or so later I received another one. I don't necessary hate this person, but I don't feel like our friendship can be justified. She was friends with my sister...then she just kind of blew her off. I realize that with a friendship, there is no vow for richer or poorer, sickness or health, good times and bad, etc. However, I don't think friendship requires one it's just understood. Well, when times got bad..she just jumped ship and I think it's a crappy thing to do. Now, keep in mind..me and my sister didn't have the most wonderful relationship either. I have wished death upon her, well maybe not death but severe pain. In my younger years of life I would have been happy that a she got ditched by her friend. I would have gloated, I would have danced around the house so happy for her misery. My "sucks for you" smile would be so bright it would blind her. But that was then, this is now.
Back to the friendship: Can't facebook have an "acquaintance" category reserved for those who you don't really want to let back into your life but don't necessarily want to offend or completely reject? I mean, this person is in my community. I will probably run into her at some point. When this happens do I walk quickly past her avoiding eye contact because I didn't become her Facebook friend? What are my consequences for not friending her? Will Facebook people that we have in common start eliminating me from their friend list? Could it be more severe like having her turn the members of the PTA against me? Maybe my car will be identified at the super market and my tires will be slashed. Having the acquaintance section would make this process a whole lot easier. This person would never know that they were put in the "acquaintence category", they would just assume their friendship was accepted.
Anyway....just thinking out loud.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I rarely go to Dunkin Donuts..maybe once or twice a month. However, when I go on my way to work I seem to encounter the same douche bag lady.
This is what she looks like so that you can identify her:
1. Fake tan. Ok, I'll give her credit that she does not look orange. But a tan so even with no hit of sunburn..obvious that she wasn't running or biking or even speed walking outside to acquire that tan.
2. She's in her mid 40's and wearing Juicy across her butt. Ok, when she purchased her pants at Mandy's, the person at the counter most likely asked her if she needed a gift receipt. Once she replied "no", they should have refused service to her. She is waaay too old for that kind of attraction. Maybe.... just maybe.... she's young at heart. But her ovaries are going to dinner at 4:00 and to bed by 6:00.
2a. She wears a thong and wants us all to know it. I don't care to know it. It doesn't particularly make her ass look nice either. She still has the cottage cheese. Maybe she should be wearing some Spanx instead. And yes, I was checking out her ass...but it was only because the Juicy caught my eye. I thought it was a billboard.
3. She carries the dog....under her arm! This is the most annoying attribute someone can have. You like accessories? Wear a charm bracelet, not a dog. I am an animal lover and a dog owner. I especially love when I just whisper the word "car" and my dogs does the "I'm going in the car" dance. Jumping around, knocking over kids, throwing things off the table with her tail and skidding across the floor in her race to the door. But, if I decide to treat her with a quick ride, I'll leave her in the car. She can wait. There is no reason for the dog to go inside a store. Dogs are kind of like kids...Nobody thinks yours is cute but you.
Anyway, you are probably wondering why I DESPISE this woman. Why am I so OUTRAGED??
Is it because I'm jealous of her tan? Nope. Is it because she wears tight sweat pants with thong underwear? NO. My ass may not look so good to the naked eye, but at least I dress to compliment it. It's because:
I HELD THE DOOR OPENED FOR HER AND SHE DIDN'T SAY THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, that set me off! I am ANGRY! I am FURIOUS! I am ENRAGED! I HAVE HAD IT!!!!!!It may seem as though I am over reacting but here's the scenario:
In one hand I have the hand of a two year old.
In the other hand I have hot coffee and a donut for said two year old.
I am leaving Dunkin Donuts..I push the door open with my shoulder and then see Ms. Juicy Butt With Dog approaching. Though I am extremely inconvenienced, I hold the door open with my ass to allow her in before I exit.
Well, the bitch, and I don't mean the furry yapper under her arm, didn't even acknowledge me. Not a head nod, not a word of gratitude!!!
So as she is walking away from me I tell her "I am not your #!?$# date! If you aren't going to thank me, at least give me a tip". The other people in Dunkin Donuts seemed to like my response but she either acted like she didn't hear it OR she is so self absorbed she didn't think it was intended for her. Next time: I stick my foot out. Don't f'kin (I know last time I used symbols, I'm inconsistent, so sue me) waltz in here acting like you bathe in Coco Chanel when you really stink of Loves Baby Soft. Hmmph!
And while we are on the topic of Dunkin Donuts....why do they use the waxed paper to grab my muffin, donut, bagel, whatever, to provide some sort of illusion of being sanitary. But then they throw that waxed paper in the bag with my food!!! WTF!!! The waxed paper that touched their hand is now touching my food! Know what? Wear plastic gloves, leave them on all day and charge me 5 cents more for my donut.
- Just Thinking Out Loud
Friday, November 13, 2009
Pooping is a major part of my life. I'm not proud of it, just a fact. Some people have their children as the center of their life. But pooping, as I'll explain below, really takes control over me. I more often than not have to base a decision on whether or not pooping will fit into the schedule. For example: do I go to the movies after going out for dinner? When I feel the urge, do I stop off at a store and drag my kids into the stall with me or do I test fate and see if I can make it all the way home?
I have this undiagnosed condition which causes me to poop ALL - THE - TIME. I have been to doctors, I have tried medication, altered my diet..everything. Nothing works. Actually there is only 1 cure: BEING PREGNANT. I loved, loved, loved being pregnant and one of the major reasons was that I didn't have to poop everytime I ate or drank something. I have no aspirations of being Octomom, the Duggars or a Kate + 8. Also, quite frankly, I'm pushing 40..so don't think I have many more years of this. Granted I could give these kids away(if I chose to become pregnant again), but I had a hard enough time trying to find a home for my docile cat!
It really is an inconvenience. Especially since I really don't like to poop in public, especially when I am sharing the bathroom with someone in the other stall. I actually turned down a job offer once when I noticed that the bathroom was actually just one regular bathroom, like in a house, inside the office. Not down a hall or upstairs, away from my potential employer and fellow employees. Can you imagine that "walk of shame" out of the bathroom? I would literally be the "butt" of all jokes. Now my brother has a theory of "I suffer ,you guys can suffer along with me". I am really trying to adapt that attitude but it's a work in progress.
Sometimes it's actually comical. I'm kind of like "Lucy" from "I love Lucy". I get into these predicaments where I'm somewhere away from a comfort zone (i.e. home, friend's house etc). and I'm suddenly in immenent danger of pooping in my pants. Many of you might have seen my facebook post where I was at the U.S.S Army (ship in NYC). They thoroughly checked my purse for contraband but they should have checked my colon because it was carrying a weapon of mass destruction! I left a bomb on their Port-a- Potty there. They never knew what hit them. Yuck, I HATE those things.
So, maybe now you guys can understand that I'm not just trying to use bathroom humor to entertain ya'll. Well, I hope it actually does entertain you, but now you know the awful truth.
My darling husband who puts up with it all.
Jim L - when he had his pad in Hoboken I woke him up on an early Saturday morning while he was still sleeping off the alcohol from the night before and I totally destroyed his bathroom. He simply unlocked his door, went back to bed and either forgot it ever happened or was kind enough to ignore it.
Michelle D of ADP - for driving like a friggin maniac back to work without me even asking her to after an out of the office lunch break.
McDonalds at the Brookside rest area on Garden State Parkway: WARNING: THIS IS THE DIRTIEST MOST DISGUSTING BATHROOM I HAVE EVER BEEN SUBJECTED TO USING. If I had the choice again of pooping in my pants or using this rest room again, I would choose to poop in my pants.
Also, what's up with the bathrooms in Bed Bath and Beyond. They SELL everything to make a bathroom nice: mats, candles, seats, dispensers, etc. It was another gross bathroom but not nearly as bad as Brookside.
hmm...maybe I'll capitlize on this and publish a guide (like zagats) where I rate the public restrooms.
Just Thinking Out Loud.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
By the time I permit myself to go today, I have to pee sooo bad that I run into the stall and I can't waste any time putting toilet paper down on the seat...I decide to squat.
Well, all of the sudden, with absolutely NO warning I have to poop. I mean, no "quakage" in the tummy, no flatulence, no message at all that would give my brain warning that this is about to occur.
In a flash I have to decide: do I poop while squatting over the toilet OR do I allow my butt to touch an unprotected seat? Seriously, I had no time at all to decide. That's just a shitty decision to had to make.
What would you do?
Just Thinking Out Loud
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Today in the car I was thinking about sex. But not normal thoughts. Not "ooh, I want some" or "ooh I don't". My thought was provoked by a commercial about impoverished children in third world countries. I often see commercials regarding providing aid to these children and I wondered...How the heck did the parents of these kids have the time or energy to have sex? I mean, they have empty bellies, it takes a day and a 1/2 of walking just to get a pail of water and I'm pretty sure that the physical health would cause irregular menstrual cycles. Again, how do these people find the time and energy to do it? And CONCEIVE? I mean, I have a full time job (that requires no physical labor) and I eat 3 meals a day and then some and I'm TOO DAMN TIRED TO DO IT!
Besides the fact of being too hungry or tired...where do they do it? An entire nuclear family shares a hut and I have never seen a mattress / couch, kitchen table, etc. in these commercials. Do they do it on the dirt floor? Are the children in the hut with them or do they send THEM out for water, or a fly swatter? "Hey kids, there's a plane coming with rice, go wait for it".
-Just Thinking Out Loud
I welcome your thoughts.